I really, really, REALLY need to go home.
I feel as though I am wearing out my welcome, and its becoming a struggle to be around people. I am a Psychology major, so people should be my area of expertise. Right now, I am stumped.
My best guy friend (with whom I have complicated feelings for)has gone clueless on me. Or maybe I've been clueless for at least a month.... I thought he was one of the few people on this campus that understood me. At times, it seems the air is clear, but add other people into the mix, and I have no clue what is going on. I wrote him a haiku last night while we were studying, and he looked at it like I'd written in Arabic. I was a little disappointed.
....plus...I had begun (even unknowingly to myself) to build up a sense of false hope of things changing between us. I wasn't expecting a dating relationship per se, but a distinct difference than what we were used to. It hit me sitting in that computer lab somewhere between 3 and 4 am, that things will NEVER change. I badly want to be in his life, but I realized that I must keep him at a distance.
I don't want to yearn for him the way he yearns for her. And she is "just a friend". Why make my misery worse?
But its not just his part in it that makes me uneasy, I'm not helping the situation either. A fear inside of me has reared its ugly head. I am afraid of not being close to him. But I won't allow myself to get close if it means my feelings for him will grow. I don't like the feeling I feel when "we three" are in the same room. I am not the jealous type and I can very clearly see why he adores her. She is a constant source of conversation between us, and I am never naturally bias in my advice.
I can tell a difference. In him, I mean. He playfully hugs me, yet he holds her. He writes poetry describing her, and I am merely an encouragement in the Art; a colleague.
What's this familiar pain I feel in my chest?
Homesickness doesn't paralyze me like this..........