Be Still. {The Blog}

I've Moved...

2011-08-23T23:27:00.000-04:00

Hello readers,

Please go to Be Still for my new blog location. Thanks!

Hill City Bride :)

2011-07-27T01:57:00.001-04:00

So.

I'm getting married in 295 days.
...this may come as a huge surprise to many of my readers, considering I haven't posted in months. Needless to say, lots has happened since my last blog entry. But I'm positive we will have considerable time to go over all of the details.

...for now. I've compiled a variety of websites to help me in this process from betrothed to wife.
Hill City Bride is one of those resources.
Their current giveaway, a book entitled "When Me Becomes We", will help my fiance and I with a huge hurdle:
Decorating the love nest. [muffled giggles]

Wish me luck! :)

Here's the link:
Hill City Bride Giveaway

Welcome!

2011-04-28T00:37:00.000-04:00

Welcome!: "I connected Blogger to my http://flavors.me page - http://flavors.me/iamspokenword"

Beware the Allure of Spring

2011-04-26T01:02:00.003-04:00

It was a ripe 85 degrees today.

I live in an area where the weather tends to be a bit unpredictable. Tomorrow may be clammy and peaking in the 50s. You never know. Regardless, it is definitely spring time. My college campus is filled with bright eyes and colors, shorter dresses and Docker cargo shorts. The general sense of well-being is higher, because the climax of spring gives hints to the coming of summer. My peers and I wanting to track star through finals, sell the tattered couch in our apartments that we're soon to be leaving, and prepare for another summer adventure.

Love is definitely in a challenging mode. People are either planning summer weddings or looking to get out of their current situations. For those of us who aren't at least engaged, being single during the heightened time of the year is promising. No one wants to be held down during the summer, right? The last thing you want is for your boyfriend to call you every night the week you are para-sailing down in the Cape with your Ladies Bible Study group. Freedom is a beautiful thing, isn't it? And for every one person that clamored near Thanksgiving to find a Winter boo to exchange hellos under mistletoe by Christmastime, two are fleeing love in the opposite direction, towards the call of summer's heat and sense of adventure.

Can't say that I blame these track stars....Summertime is usually a tough time for relationships.

Maybe I'm paranoid. It has been my experience that I will return to routine in late August with a new betrayal to deal with.

...anyway...I digress...

I encourage adventure. I have a deep, gut feeling that my life is destined to be an adventure. And I wouldn't dare desire to keep this kind of existence from anyone.

But, I want to give a word of caution, whether you are single or taken. Be cautious of the pull of this season. Make sure that your desire for adventure doesn't lead to you hurting someone who stuck with you through hard times. If you think it is a good time for a clean break, then do this sensibly. Know yourself.

Remember that people, although sometimes undependable, are not to be like seasons, because seasons are always changing.

And the Beat Goes On...

2011-01-21T23:34:00.001-05:00

You know the feeling.

You hear a song for the first time, probably one you’re driven to listen to because it’s by your favorite artist/band. The song is amazing. It’s a great marriage of harmonious melodies, beats, and personally meaningful lyrics. For approximately 2 to 3 minutes, you’re one piece of a musical bond. You wade through the song’s second verse, bridge, and hook; automatically preparing yourself for the ending of the song. You’ve already made up your mind that you’re going to put the song on repeat to enjoy it again. And then it happens…

The singer’s/band’s vocals drop out.

The volume doesn’t fade, but steadies at its current pace.

The instruments spread their wings and soar across your heart, leaving an incredibly warm, resounding feeling behind. It’s as if they were using the song as a mere warm up.

And it’s beautiful.

And surprising.

And nourishing.

Even after the fiftieth time you’ve taken this journey.

It’s like the artist has given you a gift. As if he/she trusts the song’s melody enough to turn away the steady, watchful eye of their voice and allow it to roam and reverberate. The listener undergoes a tiny bit of sadness when approaching the end of a song.

But here, the melody is like a lingering kiss before the goodbye.

I love that feeling. It’s one of the things that I live for in music: when the beat goes on.

Here is a list of my favorite songs that do just that…

1. Do I Do – Stevie Wonder

2. Woman – Maroon 5

3. Papa Was a Rolling Stone – The Temptations

4. Got to Give It Up – Marvin Gaye

5. When Everything Is New – Little Brother

6. Kings and Queens – 30 Seconds to Mars

7. Waking Up – OneRepublic

8. Surrender Saved My Life – This Beautiful Republic

9. Don’t Wait – The Foreign Exchange Feat. Darien Brockington

10. Red Letters – DC Talk

11. Dangerous – Michael Jackson

12. Moment In Life – Musiq Soulchild

13. Love Stoned/I Think That She Knows – Justin Timberlake

14. I Keep/Still Here – Jill Scott
15. Umi Says -- Mos Def

Me, Me, Me, Me, Me...

2011-01-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

More ramblings of things I am figuring out about myself.
2011 is going to be a doozy, I can already tell....

1. My heart beats for quality time. If you don't like to invest your time in me, it is the equivalent of a slap in the face. My true friends seek to spend time with me, not just tolerate having me around.
2. I get annoyed really, really easy. And even though I am working on not showing it outwardly, I will always have an inner reaction. Kind of like rolling my eyes at you in my head.
3. I'm still waiting on my BIG MOMENT. Not sure what that means yet. I really feel there is something significant that I haven't done yet. But I know its coming.
4. I enjoy being hospitable. Like, really enjoy it. It's important to me for people to enjoy being in my home; comfortable, well-fed, and entertained. I want to have a night where people lose track of time and are at my house until the wee hours of the morning. I'm scared I'm not that interesting yet, though.
5. My need to get in shape has become more about livelihood and vitality and less about my figure.
6. I have quite an ear for music. I appreciate actual instruments and harmony in a song...which is why I'm so picky of what I listen to...
7. I'm tapping into my "go with the flow" mode. I'm planning on taking a lot of chances this year, and bounce back 100% times faster if they don't work out.
8. Two things give me a headache without fail: Stress and Not eating.
9. I don't want anymore close friends right now. I need to cultivate the relationships I have.
10. Last year, I struggled with really wanting to get married. I haven't had a single thought like that so far this year. Now, I am thrilled I'm not getting married anytime soon. Thrilled, I tell you.
11. Three things I love right now: Books, Welch's Concord Cherry Grape Juice, Big singing voices
12. Above all things, God has been my counselor. I've had a pretty lonely road, so I'm glad I had/have him to release my pain to.

SoulPancake (Yeah, I know...)

2011-01-16T02:25:00.001-05:00

I've owned this book for about 5 hours and it has already started to change my life. It's fresh and successfully unhinged the glob of mortar that caused my writer's block.

When You Believe (My Go-To Inspirational Playlist)

2011-01-13T16:38:00.001-05:00

It's funny how a single song...3:34 minutes of music...can change your whole perspective of a situation. That's the beautiful thing about music: it can mold, as well as express, a mindset. Most of the time, this is a negative thing, but I like to think that music was meant to inspire.

Inspire well-being, peace, and determination.

Granted, I do get in those moods where I only want to listen to Coldplay, James Blunt, and Sam Cooke. My deep melancholy is expressed in the music playlist of my choice. As it is when I'm in a romantic, praise-oriented, or thuggish mood. So, I figured I'd share my all-time favorite inspirational tracks. God knows with the cold, frigid weather we could all use a little warmth.

1. When You Believe - Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston (Prince of Egypt Soundtrack)

2. World's Greatest - R.Kelly (Ali Soundtrack)

3. I Believe - Yolanda Adams (Honey Soundtrack)

4. Hero - Nas (The N Word Album)

5. I Believe I Can Fly - (Yep) R Kelly (Space Jam Soundtrack)

6. Declaration (This Is It) - Kirk Franklin (The Fight of My Life Album)

7. Stand Out - Powerline/AKA: Tevin Campbell (A Goofy Movie Soundtrack)

8. Not Afraid - Eminem (Recovery Album)

9. Tightrope - Janelle Monae (The ArchAndroid Album)

10. In the Light - DC Talk (Jesus Freak Album)

11. Warm It Up (With Love) - Brandy (Human Album)

12. Black or White - Michael Jackson (Dangerous Album)

13. Lovely Day - Bill Withers (The Very Best of Bill Withers Album)

14. Dare You To Move - Switchfoot (The Beautiful Letdown Album/A Walk to Remember Soundtrack)

15. It's My Life - Bon Jovi (Crush Album)

16. Good Life - OneRepublic (Waking Up Album)

17. I Believe - Fantasia (Self-Titled Album)

18. River Deep, Mountain High - Celine Dion (c/o Tina Turner) (Let's Talk About Love Album)

19. Optimistic - The Sounds of Blackness

Honorable Mention: Whip My Hair - Willow Smith

Did I miss any?

What I Did in 2010

2010-12-31T14:54:00.000-05:00

My, oh my. What a year it has been for me. List is in no particular order...

1. Moved into my first place ever.
2. Got a new job as a graduate writing tutor.
3. Traveled more than I ever have; from VA to NJ, NY, SC, NC, DC, OH, and NJ again
4. Saw an amazing concert and actually talked to the lead singer. (I love you Phonte)
5. Ate a White Castle burger in the Bronyx.
6. Sat in a recording studio as my bf recorded poetry tracks
7. Performed poetry at a wedding
8. Applied for 40 summer jobs -- got 0. Applied for 30 jobs in VA -- got one of the best jobs on campus.
9. Ended my 2nd year as a Resident Assistant
10. Managed to not flunk out of graduate school
11. Retired straight hair
12. Obtained three side hustles: greeting card writer, professional blog writer, and manuscript editor
13. *** ****** ***
14. Exercised more forgiveness than I thought was possible
15. Dealt with jealousy, fear, and self-preservation (the three enemies of a relationship)
16. Witnessed the death of The Triangle
17. Saw three of my friends entangled in their own triangle
18. Learned a few phrases in Korean
19. Went to Victoria's Secret and saw a specialist. :)
20. Switched cell phone services and bought the Best. Phone. Ever.
21. Had my surprised birthday plans ruined...but plan B involved spending more money at once than I ever had. Had a blast doing it.
22. Gave my blessings to at least 10 friends who got engaged.
23. Had my first Five Guys burger.
24. Got therapy; professionally and semi-professionally
25. Turned 25. Feels great.
26. Put counseling techniques into practice and actually helped someone in the process.
27. Drove from VA to SC all by myself.
28. Went to a nightclub for the first time. Eh.
29. Almost got published.
30. Baked cookies at least once a week.
31. Went to the Holocaust museum. Changed my life.
32. Had a few amazing photo shoots.
33. Got to the 3 year mark with the bf. Many are holding their breath for the moment I get the ring..except me. :)

The Way

2010-12-29T11:49:00.002-05:00

I have been a Christian since I was a little girl. I remember sitting in church, next to my mom and older brother, and hearing the preacher talk about the love of Jesus Christ. I'd heard many stories in Sunday School and at home about Noah and the Ark, Jonah and the Whale, and Adam and Eve. I even knew about Jesus performing miracles and coming to earth as a little baby. I loved those stories. However, it was something about that preacher's words that made me feel a warm sensation in my chest.

"Jesus loves me"

I knew that my parents loved me. I knew that my cousins and other family members loved me. But I felt that they kinda had to since we were born into the same family. It wasn't inconvenient, but it was obvious that it had to be the norm. But why did Jesus love me enough to give his life?

Why me?

Maybe it is simply a really good story. A metaphor for how life on earth is meant to be. Maybe Jesus is simply a nice teacher who was more of an advocate for universalism than faith in One God. Maybe he didn't resurrect on the third day and his bones are tucked away in Osama Bin Laden's hiding place.Maybe it, like all other religions, are a construction of the intricate human psyche. Or maybe Buddha is just as significant as Jesus who is equal to Muhammad. Maybe god is a figment of my broken imagination. Maybe I am god and don't know it.

I don't have certainty. Philosophically, none of us can be certain of anything. But I have faith that Jesus did come to earth, as God and Man, and died for me out of love and compassion for my sins. So that I can be free in this life and the next. I have faith that that day I prayed to Jesus for the first time, he heard me and answered.

At times, my faith is made tangible. Through an unseen comfort in moments where I faced sorrow, heartache, and despair alone. Certain evidences have appeared in my life that have blatantly hinted at a truth I learned as little girl:

"Jesus loves me"

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
—II Timothy 3:14-17

The Reason For the Season.

2010-12-24T10:57:00.000-05:00

Be good to one another.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

A Man Among Boys (Intro)

2010-12-12T02:05:00.000-05:00

I am dating one of the most incredibly raw minds of this world. He sees his sporadic thinking as a flaw, but I believe that in moments where it acquires focus/purpose, he captivates the listener with a rare combination of wisdom, wit, and empathy. With that being said, it scares me when he feels that he cannot capture the respect/attention of other males. There is a part of his existence that has been backed into a corner, and I feel that speaking on his behalf would be overstepping my boundaries as the girlfriend.

His baritone has jarred me. Left me standing at full attention and ready to join him in both task and heart. While it is thrilling to watch his manhood stand out further among lesser Johns, I'm saddened that they secretly jeer at his words. And I'm unsure of the coming-of-age process. How men accept one another and respect the thoughts of another male. What convinces a male that he can stand in a man's shoes; fulfill his role, and gain the recognition of other men?

Patience

2010-12-11T23:33:00.002-05:00

Hm.

Another friend of mine is engaged. Happily engaged. And I am forced to do that "mind thing" where I remind myself that it's okay that it's not me. Because I love him, and he loves me back. I trust that he, and more importantly, God, has a great, unique, taylor-made plan just for us. I'd rather wait another 10 years, enduring a seemingly endless dating purgatory than to do things too soon.

I'm okay.

Unashamed [Quote]

2010-12-01T13:00:00.001-05:00

"I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

I have Holy Spirit power.

The dye has been cast, I have stepped over the line.
I am a disciple of His.

I won’t look back,
Let up,
Slow down,
Back away,
or be still.

My past is redeemed.

I am finished with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, and dwarfed goals.

I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.

I now live by faith,
Lean on his presence,
Walk by patience,
Live by prayer,
Labor by power,

My faith is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven.

My road is narrow, my companions are few. My guide reliable, my mission clear.

I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, or delayed.

I will not flinch in face of sacrifice,
Hesitate in the presence of the adversary,
or negotiate at the table of the enemy.

I won’t give up shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up, for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus.

I must go until he comes,
Give till I drop,
Preach until all know, and
Work till he stops me.

And when He comes for His own He will have no problem recognizing me."

-- Worth Dying For

Mary Sibande.

2010-11-19T10:41:00.001-05:00

Mary Sibande is a young South African artist born in 1982.

Using paintings and sculpture, she explores the construction of identity in a post-colonial context, in South Africa, and also criticizes stereotypes of black women.

See her entire gallery at:

Gallery MOMO

Full Plate.

2010-11-12T12:24:00.001-05:00

My life is like a steady stream of chaos right now. My plate is full. Pilled to capacity with carbohydrate-rich foods, salty vegetables, and meats. Socially, I have a waiting list of people that I need to hang out with. And I'm worried about all of them.

"Brittney! You're ignoring me! We have to catch up!"
"Hey! When are we going to hang out?"
"I want to see you! Can we have lunch tomorrow?"

::slops on mashed potatoes::

I've been in a game of phone tag with a friend for about 3 weeks and I can't seem to have the time to talk to her.

"Stop ignoring my phone calls!" (via message)

::piles on collard greens::

I haven't called my mom in a week. I have 3 graduate classes that all have papers/projects due in the next seven days. I've cooked a real meal in my kitchen once this week. I'm juggling two part-time jobs and attend two small groups a week. I'm worried about using my boyfriend's gas allotment to get me back and forth to work; among his other problems that he's dealing with. I signed up to make two sweet potato pies for a dinner I'm attending this weekend. I'm in therapy (basically) and I need to start looking for an internship to get my supervision hours. My computer's at the shop to be fixed, and I need it to do homework.

::adds a slab of chicken-fried stake::

I want to go home. I want to sleep. I want to bake cookies and watch The Cosby Show. I want to snuggle underneath my boyfriend's rib and not move an inch.

No matter what I do, or how hard I try, someone goes without something they need from me. I'm worried about flunking an assignment. Or being a bad friend. Or being undependable.

God knows I can't do it alone, so I'm trying to trust him. Meanwhile, keep up with the momentum.

Sistah-Hood

2010-11-10T11:32:00.000-05:00

What do you see when you look at this picture? I mean, besides the fact that this is taken from the gallery of Tyler Perry's movie adaptation of For Colored Girls....

I think of my mother being comforted by her three sisters and their mother while standing next to the grave of my brother. I think of the great bellows of laughter coming from the hair salon that I frequented as a child. I recall the knowing glances and outstretched hands that I have exchanged with another Black woman. Granted, I have the pleasure of knowing many beautiful women...across the entire palette of ethnicity. However, there is a deeper sense of unity that I feel when I, and other Black women embrace one another. Welcome one another. Encourage and affirm one another. Because we are known to bicker and be competitive. Tear down another because her hair is natural. Or relaxed. She's too skinny or flat-chested. Or too big. Lighter or Darker. Rough around the edges or materialistic. Carrying an infant or a Gucci bag in her arms.

It's nice to have kindred arms, though we are only connected through shade, hold you up. And it may not be done intentionally, but it always feels familiar. Sometimes, I have to double-take, because I could swear that the arms of my "sistah" feels like the arms of a "sister".

New MaryMary. :)

2010-11-05T12:57:00.002-04:00

Walking by Mary Mary Music

The Language of My Politics

2010-10-28T10:30:00.003-04:00

I believe that the political arena was created by people to help people. And there are moments in our history where it has served that purpose. The first settlers came to this land because they didn't want to be told how or who to worship. Some say that America was founded on Biblical principles. It's no matter to me, personally, because you can hold a Bible in one hand, and still grip a whip in the other hand. You can shake the hand of a red-skinned man in a gesture of brotherhood, while concealing a rifle behind your back.

Woefully, America was doomed to pay for her sins.

The same battle for freedom that the first Europeans sought from a harsh theocracy is being reflected in the subtle war of religious variety in America today. If you wish to build a land that is free from an established religion, then it must be just that. The tide will be determined, not by the power of the Christians, but by the heart/courage of the Christians. God decided to bring the Savior to earth during a time where one of the most feared rulers reigned. Why do believers feel that we are entitled to theocratic submission in a democracy? Go vote, yes. Shine your light, definitely. But don't think it strange when there are Muslims, Buddhists, and Atheists who are openly adamant in their faith. The existence of other faiths should not threaten yours. I believe in a God who is real, whether or not I believe in Him or worship Him. He will Be when America is long gone. He was here before its first Natives stepped on to its soil.

We need God back in our land, yes. But not necessarily back in the White House (assuming it ever was), or in the Pentagon. But in the people. The desperate, lost ones that walk the streets. The hurting and afraid that aren't even old enough to vote yet. We argue and bicker on the internet, in coffee shops, and in dorm rooms over policy but will go no further.

Our politics, though they can carry the weight of great moral conviction, has been reduced to propaganda. The same type that rallied naive Germans into slaughtering millions of Jews. Because it distracts and it prevents us from seeing what happens around us every day. Today, everyone's focus (and a pointed, accusatory finger) is aimed at Washington. I've seen with my young eyes, that it produces strife among friends. Disharmony among brothers. And contempt among citizens. I, for one, am sick of being handled by the machine.

See You Later, Darling...

2010-10-21T00:00:00.001-04:00

I still get sad when he leaves.
Not all the time, and not in a way that cripples me.
But I do dread that moment when he shifts in his seat, checks the time on his phone, and says,
"I think I'm going to get ready to head home."

I'll admit it.
My heart sinks a tad.

Yes, I know that it won't be long before I see him again.
And I have that first hug/touch/smile to look forward to...

Still.
Seeing him walk/drive away isn't always fun.
I think I'm dealing with the "see you later" becoming a possible "goodbye".
Sure, that's pretty pessimistic/paranoid, but it only takes losing someone once without warning to get you thinking about the moments you're allowed to have with those you love.
There are times where I wish he'd come back for one more hug. One last look into my eyes to subliminally tell him that I thank God for him.

I'm not sure how it became the norm, but every time he drops me off at my house, he will wait until I get my key into the door, for it to open, and for me to turn to look at him sitting in his car...before he waves at me. And I'll wave back.

He does that every time.
And that wave isn't frantic like a "goodbye" (you know, how you see at the end of movies...), but it's a subtle, unconscious "see you later". Which is why that first hug/touch/smile is so electric to me. It's like God gave us a gift in the form of a fulfilled "see you later".

Because none of us knows if we will every see anyone later, right?

Fall Break

2010-10-18T12:39:00.003-04:00

I performed at George Mason University. Shared the stage with people who hated Christians and thinks the Bible is a joke. Left with their respect and understanding of our differing views. Had a blast.
Left the Liberty/Lynchburg bubble. Hallelujah.
Laughed more than I ever have in a very long time...
Didn't drink, smoke, or go to a club. And still had the time of my life.
Was encouraged and blessed.
Shopped.
Slept.
Spent a whole day in DC, where I ate an out-of-this-world lunch at my favorite spot (Busboy's and Poets) and went to the Holocaust Museum. I've never had my heart broken over my own humanity so many times over the course of 2 hours before.
Shopped.
Took tons of pictures.
Played outside of my comfort zone. New comfort zone established.
Heard dope new music...including an unnamed college jazz group who had voices that left me breathless.
Navigated the DC Metro system without any help. :)
Ate my first Five Guys burger. Soooo good, but will be going to the gym frequently for the next few weeks.

My gem of DC....

Me sitting outside the Smithsonian Information Center...

Me outside of a building on 13th street (I think it was...lol). It's Colombian art...

Taken before going into the Holocaust Museum...the Department of Agriculture reflecting off of the window...

Finally.

2010-10-07T12:37:00.000-04:00

So, in case you missed it. I'm 25 now (have been for almost a month lol).

My current, constant mood is peaceful. I've never stressed LESS before in my whole life. Yes, I was a fearful, worrisome child. But I'm starting to snuggle up next to my own psyche and finding contentment with who I am...even though I'm still in the process of painting that picture. The brush isn't in my hands anyway, so I might as well have some sense of joy.

...yeah, I guess that's it. I have joy.

I am imperfect, but I'm accepted and affirmed. Just as I am.

This Unconditional Love actually drives me to grow.

Fear and pressure never does anyone any good. Let people be who they are,

and they may become more than you expect.

God bless reader. There's more to come...don't worry. :)

And One For All...

2010-09-13T13:02:00.003-04:00

Love is the most beautiful gift that God affords humanity this side of heaven. It can be tangibly seen, touched, and affect every area of your life…many times without your permission. Rarely, you will have the object of your affection in front of you, and you’re afforded the great privilege of expressing exactly what’s on your heart to them. You are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in sync with another human being and are immediately (if only momentarily) able to understand why God surrounds you with people so unlike but identical to yourself. To be one of two hearts in a consistent exchange of positive regard and unconditional care. And it is beautiful because it feels right and familiar somehow…

But what of those moments where things have gotten so out of control that we look around and wonder how Love became a catalyst for such unrest and pain? What is the answer when men overstep their commitment barriers or when a woman abuses her lover’s trust? What of the victims of gossip, manipulation, and one-sided friendships? The heart that always gives but never receives anything in return…where can love be naturally applied? I am a living, breathing testimony that Jesus is the source for all healing when you’ve suffered heartache at the hands of those you love. He is truly all you need. However, what are we commanded to do with the deep, God-given, inner desire for camaraderie and acceptance? Are we to generalize our dependence on the Father by disconnecting with each other? Or is it that a part of our communion with the Father is directly connected to our bond with each other?

Even before the Fall, God declared that it’s “incomplete” that man is alone. Adam had God all to himself…and even still he was incomplete. Not quite finished. Loved and the most precious part of His creation, but still lacking an important element: a companion. Someone like him, but unique enough to exist as a separate person. Why did God take out a part of an incomplete man (his rib) to make him complete? I feel that He wants us to remember that we weren’t always separated.

I’m thinking that forgiveness and trust is not only for the wounded heart, nor for the transgressor, but for the bond broken. For the good of us all, and not just individuals. The moment I become especially distant from the hearts that divinely pump life around me, the more the voice of my own self-interest drowns out the gentle whisper of our Lord. Love can be horrible. Confusing. And the ultimate test of our lives designed to connect us deeper and stronger to each other, and ultimately, to God the Father. I am not proposing that walking away should never be an option, but we should never forget that we are human beings. And we need each other.

Seasons.

2010-09-06T12:23:00.001-04:00

There is a significance that hides within the order of the seasons. Fall was not meant to preceed Spring, nor was Winter supposed to come before Summer. Each transition from one season to the next has scientific and inherent meaning.

The comfort and replenishment of Spring is not meant to last forever, lest the plants be overgrown or the earth be drowned by rain. Likewise, Winter is the necessary length to cease all things, even to the point of death. However, there is the moment when the first budding plant breaks through the melting snow...which is a sign that change is approaching. The seasons are regulated without the influence of man; showing the imminence of our God, who knows and controls all things. Just as we adjust our clothing according to season, we must also submit our lives to the seasons the Lord takes us through. In times of flourishing and in times of famine.

God never promised a continuous summer, but he asks us to stand on His loyalty and long-suffering. Rest your heart with the Sustainer of the Season and not the seasons themselves. Whether you are blinded by the glorious cloudless sky or beaten down by the tumultuous rain, peer beyond and see the Father...who remains Unmoved.

How I Feel

2010-08-24T18:54:00.001-04:00

Here.

And choosing not to be afraid of the calm.

...resting in the following:

I am exactly where I am meant to be.

Welcome Home?

2010-08-18T02:55:00.000-04:00

At this very moment I'm sitting in my first (rented) duplex house.

Mine.

Lounging on a bed/comforter that I paid for.

I'm a little nervous...

Not because I can't live basically alone (there's another tenant with me, but she's here temporarily). Or that I can't handle the rent payments.

I'm nervous about calling this my "home".

Because it's just me here.

Running for Dear Life. (Feelings in Figurative Speech)

2010-08-10T17:21:00.001-04:00

I am a fugitive.

Desperately fleeing the snares that pursue me. Nipping at the back 2 inches of my heels, I breathe deep and pound my feet harder. So swift sometimes, I am, that I no longer feel the ground. No matter if it's land or sea, my pace is so rapid that I maneuver my steps on the water's surface. My heartbeat throbs with fear, mixed with a desperation to keep my soul in tact. At times, my foot catches a blade of grass or my knees buckle from sudden pressure...but through my stumbling I fling my body further ahead. No need to look back because I know well what hounds me. And I run because it had me in its clutches before, and I dare not let it seize me again. Dear Lord, not again...

She Said Chronicles, Part 2: The Scorned Woman

2010-08-10T02:41:00.001-04:00

I can remember the days when men saw me as beautiful and mysterious. They had a respect for my nature and valued my presence. It used to be that man would do anything possible to protect me...But now, men and pain are synonymous. I've become nothing more than a causality. Stuck in a grief-stricken state; held at the mercy of a man's desire. As each hungry, handsome face comes and goes, I am viewed only as something to be obtained, but never cared for. Possessed, but never cherished. In the beginning, I blamed myself...convinced myself that I was attracting these self-occupied neanderthals. But even after getaways with the girls, consistent church attendance, and 2 days a week in therapy...I arrived back at the original conclusion: Men only want; they never give.

Truthfully, I'm just tired. Most times, too tired to maintain my alertness. I manage to rest my guard so that I can allow a sense of peace into my bedroom. I begin to embrace the serenity I feel while I take up both sides of the bed; stretching my limbs across my solitude and breathe in long enough to taste the air. It's bliss, I swear.

And then it happens.

Another curious, handsome carnivore creeps his way past my office doorway. Or the seat next to me on the bus. Or the adjacent study table at the library. Though well-intentioned, he is like all the rest: a souped up suitor with a superman complex...seeking to be the cure to my disdain. In the end, I am worse off because of him. He is attracted to my contentment with being by myself, because he does/will not notice me until he sees that I am blessedly whole and happy without him. Yet he swears that loving him will add value to my life.

He sees me as fresh ground to tread, and secretly desires to tap into my virtue and rob it from me as if I am his fountain of youth. As my history constantly depicted, once I am depleted...he leaves.

And I roam through the same sad cycle of Pain, Recovery, Contentment, Pursuit, and Pain again. Over and over.

I wish they would all just leave me alone.
...Or love me.

Janelle Monae ♥

2010-08-06T11:08:00.003-04:00

How I Feel.

2010-08-04T15:07:00.000-04:00

"With God all things are possible..." --Matthew 19:26

She Said Chronicles, Part One: the Insecure Woman.

2010-07-28T15:01:00.012-04:00

Since the moment I realized boys weren't so detestable, I've warred with the Other Woman. Each day that I look into my mirror, I hope that my curls fall distinctly in the right places, that my teeth are unrealistically white and toes perfectly polished, and that I can manage to go through the day without completely embarrassing myself. It's hard work, because I feel like I have to keep two steps ahead of her. I have to be uncomplicated, single-minded, and confident. Fun and mysterious. Sexy, but not slutty. I have to ensure that the carrot I dangle in front of him today isn't too close (because once he dines on it, he'll lose interest), but not too far away (because he'll see me as a lost cause). I can't let the other woman slip her way closer towards his heart, or I'll have to start all over. Walking to class, driving to work, or lounging by the beach I am constantly thinking and observing. Both him and her. I'm afforded the great task of sizing him, my potential, up. Not with too much scrutiny, because being picky certainly won't help. But also, I need to keep an eye on her. Funny thing is, she's a worthy opponent. Out of necessity and survival, I study her. But just when I begin to know somewhat her tactics or her movement, she switches something up. Her clothes, status, or motive.

She could be the cute Spanish secretary at my job. Or my cousin's summer fling. His ex-wife who can't let go. Or even his close friend that almost became his girlfriend. She could be my roommate. Or the co-worker that goes out of her way to listen to him. Or the random girl at the party that he had a great conversation with. The shapely White girl that sits behind me in class that eyes him when he comes to pick me up. Or some girl he went to high school with.

She could be anyone, appear at anytime. And the closer I get to him, the more I have to watch out for her. Our comfort could produce his complacency. And that's usually when she'll make her move. It only takes a moment; one swift, intentional move to realign the course of destiny. No matter how hard I try to make him happy...it won't make a difference in whether or not he leaves me for her. Or dates us at the same time. It's his decision, ultimately. And it's all because I am no longer enough. I'm lacking something. There was a bit of small print that I missed when I signed on to fall in love. There are certain stipulations that I did not see...and it makes all the difference, I guess. The difference between finding a man and keeping a man.

No matter how many men I lose to her, there is always the chance to lose love to The Other Woman again. She's like the perfect women with a set of unquenchable hungry eyes and soft lips that I can't seem to compete against. Because men chase her, not me. She is their greener side. Their dream woman. The one that can turn the head of any man, no matter his relationship status. She is the woman that is a valuable commodity in this world of high divorce rates and commitment-phobic lovers. Basically, I'm driven by gaining victory over her.

Honestly...What is it that I truly want?

Peace. Emotional security. And time to learn how to give him what he's secretly searching for.... in her.
My god, why won't he give me time to evolve? Extend his attention span to notice that past my weary face is a pair of shoulders bearing the weight of his world and mine. I get up at least 30 minutes earlier (on average) than he does, just so I can prepare to give to him....and anyone else who'll need something from me that day. So, the last thing I need is him leaving me for a falsified, care-free woman who is bound to turn into someone like me anyway...

Ugly Truths. (Smile & Let it Go)

2010-07-28T05:53:00.005-04:00

We are all self-centered. Even the most selfless person is actually self-centered. We cannot help it, because we're human. The sooner you realize that it is in your nature to think of only yourself, the less surprised you are when others put themselves before you. Well..actually...the act of you being appalled that others aren't thinking of you is pretty self-centered, don't you think?
The world will never be a better place. It's not supposed to be. As long as we are civilized (in the economical sense), then there will always be poor, dying people in this world. Guess what? Your purpose shouldn't be to make the world a better place, anyway. Make your world a better place. Many of us don't get that far (see number 1 for explanation). I know people who spend their lives putting humanitarian effort into other countries but fail to impact the people that exist around them everyday. You live where you live for a reason. Ignore your world, and you're life won't make much of a difference globally.
Guess what will happen when you die? Not to you, but to the rest of us...still living, I mean. We will go on living. Without you. Great things will happen once you're gone. God still has a purpose for the rest of us, and yours will cease to exist. So, while you're here, stop acting like your purpose is the only one that matters.
There is an ultimate truth. There has to be. If you believe in scientific fact, then you've already opened yourself up to the notion that Absolute Truth exists. But, everything else...is simply your perception. Never. Ever. Mix the two.
Kindness trumps self-righteous virtue, any day. The moment you start to think you know better than another human being, the moment you become an enemy of God.
FOX News is a cesspool for bigoted, conservative bullies. And they do not represent the Christian stance. Since when does standing up for ''Christian'' morals make you a Christian? No matter how you slice it, we are not on the same side.
Technically, there is no such thing as love at first sight. Maybe love at first hearing...or like at first sight, but there is no way you can love (in the true sense of the word) by simply seeing another person. Any person who believes in it is slightly misguided.
Even in the smallest part, we all end up like our parents. Whether you believe in either side of the Nature or Nurture debate, you'll still get the same result. Get over it...there's still so much of you left to figure out.
Marijuana makes you an idiot. And if it's legalized then that will kill the 1.7 billion dollar underground marijuana industry that's keeping urban America afloat. So, if I were a weed man/connoisseur ...I'd keep my indignant rants to myself.
Nothing, usually, is ever as serious as you're making it in the moment. There are nations of people around the world, at this very moment, that are surviving hunger, poverty, attempted genocides of their nation, oppression, abuse, societal rape, natural disasters, etc. Surely, you have all that you need to get through this as well. Just take a second. Do your brain a favor, and give it some extra oxygen. Breathe.
God's given us all the choice to invent & reinvent ourselves into whatever we want, but knowing your Creator intimately is like saying hello to yourself for the first time.

Style :)

2010-07-24T16:27:00.001-04:00

I've been attempting to transition into another style for about 2 years. I've succeeded for the most part. The journey I've gone through with my style says as much about my growth as a person as any other facet of my life. Mind you, I'm no "Devil Wears Prada" drone. Vogue is not my bible. But, fashion, like any other "art" form, makes a statement.

Fall 2008

Fresh from summer camp, I had gotten used to rocking headbands and ponytails. I remember reading my first blog on the "Natural Hair" movement and I was appalled at the rituals of African American hair care. So, I began to transition. I consciously decided to go natural in August 2008. Granted, I was afraid to chop it all off. So, I embraced the ponytail for as long as I could. With the pony, came the tomboyish look that I embraced in my young teens. Bermuda shorts and Converses in tow, I settled into the lowest level of maintenance that I could. Plus, as a first year RA, and a senior in college, there wasn't much time for long bouts in front of the mirror.

Winter 2008/Spring 2009

A close friend of mine introduced me to the Flat Iron; which I embraced whole-heartedly. I stopped being afraid to let my hair down. However, I noticed that my hair was completely broken off in many places due to all of the ponytail action. My hair was extremely short in the middle of my head, embarrassingly enough. But, my friend took caution with my hair, and I decided to make my style more comfortable than low-maintenance. I started wearing corduroy vests and sweaters, and began experimenting with colors. I resurrected the "fake spectacles" to add a hint of "serious student" to my style.

Summer 2009

No camp for me this summer. Around this time, I'd started flat ironing my hair myself. This is all that I figured being "natural" was all about. I still used all the same hair products, but at least my hair was starting to grow back. I started focusing on my semi-formal look; experimenting on different accessories. Here, I took a vintage dress of mine, and spruced it up with my favorite cream scarf. I already loved funky jewelry, so I gave it a permanent place in my fashion regiment. I was starting to get bolder....slowly, but surely.

Fall 2009/Winter 2009

I'd completely settled into my "chic bohemian" style at this point. I was struggling with my hair, because I'd been natural for over a year, and its thickness made it hard to manage. I came really close a number of times to putting a relaxer in it...but I never caved. I continued to flat iron it as much as possible, and work with the products that I still had. Basically, I was at a stand still with my hair care, and was searching for something drastically different. I began wearing small bits of make-up more often; settling into my womanhood around my 24th birthday.

Spring 2010

I remember there was a huge snowstorm at my college, and my roommate and I decided to have a photo shoot once it stopped snowing. So, a few of us trekked out into the snow and had a day that I won't soon forget. I remember coming in my room from the shower and taking the towel off of my freshly washed hair. I teased it with my comb, jokingly at first, and looked up into the mirror. Making a few adjustments and parting it in the front, I remember being astonished at how pleased I was with my hair. I smiled at the few ringlets of curls on my ends. I looked down at the blow dryer in my hand, and after a moment, I put it back on my bed. Afraid to death, I went outside and did our photo shoot. For the first time, I was truly natural. I had to go back to my natural state before I could progress any further in developing my style.

Present (Summer 2010)/Future

I threw away over $150 worth of hair care products. I haven't blow-dryed/flat ironed my hair in over 5 months. Out of the 6 products I regularly use, the first (greatest) of them is water. I plan on continuing many of the trends that I love, but my style is currently under transition again.

And here's a sneak preview: eShakti

They Call Me Southern Belle. (An Essay)

2010-07-23T00:55:00.004-04:00

I was born in a small hospital in Newberry, South Carolina. My mother tells me that she was able to walk up the street to give birth to me. I was raised on grits, cornbread [sweet like pound cake], collard greens garnished with pork, and tea sweet enough to make your teeth hurt. My form of public transportation growing up was the back half of my cousin's bicycle seat, and I felt the grip of death if I didn't make it indoors before my street lights came on. We had water hoses, not fire hydrants to use for instant water parks in our backyards. I knew the first name of my Ice Cream Truck Man, because he was usually one of the neighbors. I played My Car, Your Car on my front porch, spent at least 1 1/2 hours on the yellow bus to school every morning. I didn't speak when grown-ups were talking, and I said "ma'am/sir" as the periods to my sentences. I smile when I smell ribs and fried catfish in the air during the summer (At Cookouts...not Barbecues) and see the school cancellations on the news due to signs of frost. Slamming the screen door is a sign of disrespect, and so is not bringing a dish with you when visiting someone's home. Fried chicken is considered a food group, and I've seen my family members prepare, cook, and eat every part of a pig's body.I grew up wearing frilly dresses to church and pink foam rollers to bed. Adults are automatically given respect and the elderly are given your seat. We had porches, not stoops. Soda, not pop. I spoke stretching my vowels and smiling at strangers. Church was not optional and I said grace as soon as I could learn to speak full sentences. My first instrument was the tambourine, and my cousin and I fought usually over my mom's church fan. Family did everything together & it was my older brother's duty to hold my hand in public when we were small. I learned to fear Whites more than I was taught to hate them. I started going to the shop (not salon) when I was 10 years old. I learned that community is as much as your family as your own kin. And I never received a single time-out in my entire life....unless you mean the time it took to go get my own switch.

Laid back & friendly. Generous & charming. True Southern women are more than their portrayed scantly clothed bodies & round, rotund behinds. We are more than "ya'lls" and huge church hats. Crazy hairstyles & kool-aid. The women who raised me taught me in the Southern tradition: family, dignity, and grace. I am deeply southern-bred, and it is one of the facts about myself that I am the proudest.

New.

2010-07-21T08:26:00.003-04:00

So, I'm trying a new blog template out...

I'm sure you're used to the deep brown background that I love so much, but I thought I'd try to spruce the place up a bit. Hope your eyes aren't hurting too much. (smile)

Kudos to Blogger for finally stepping their game up, because I've spent a good bit of my blogging time on Tumblr. (gasp)

I'm feeling a bit reborn these days...going through the fire (metaphorically speaking) will do that to you.

Quote

2010-07-15T09:33:00.003-04:00

The wonderful fact about True Things is that your belief in them cannot make them any more true, and your disbelief won't take away from their ability to be True. I seek Jesus in order to be True. That way, affirmation from others becomes appreciated, but optional. --Me

How I Feel. (July Photo Edition)

2010-07-09T12:49:00.002-04:00

I only pretended I didn't need anyone.

You, with a Love as gentle as a whisper, found a way into my heart.

Now, I'm not so afraid to let them in anymore.

{1 John 3:16}

Dream Girl. (A List)

2010-07-07T12:27:00.005-04:00

I am 24 and are still considered an unmarried woman. I've made plenty of mistakes, but have gained a bit of wisdom in the process. Granted, some of this list is pretty obvious, but you'd be surprised how often we've/I've intentionally did the opposite.

Keep your priorities straight. Despite popular opinion, a relationship for an unmarried person should be at about 4th or 5th on the list. With God being 1st, family 2nd, academics 3rd, and work/life goals 4th. A man can tell if he is too high (or too low) on your priority list.
Don't reveal too much, too soon. This applies to anything regarding intimate pieces of your Self. I can't tell you how many girls I've known that were heartbroken over a guy they've only known (not dated, known) for 6 months. Enjoy the process. And if you're trying to keep up with other couples, then you're probably going too fast.
Value yourself, completely by yourself. Solitude is a beautiful thing, and is valuable even in relationships. If you're waiting for a person to make you feel whole, then you're setting yourself up for consistent disappointment. Plus, the time spent away will rejuvenate you and enrich the time you have with the other person.
Learn to let your hair down. First of all, this requires you to be comfortable in your own skin. Many women make the mistake of over-primping themselves when they know they'll see their significant other. If you are serious about this man, show him you AS IS. This applies to the soul, as well. I know that you're a strong, powerful woman, but learn to let that wall down...one brick at a time.
Do some revision of that "must have" list. Sometimes our high expectations can be hazardous...in any relationship. Be wise, but gracious of others humanity. A man who feels safe to be himself is sure to give you the love you desire.
Learn to cook. (If you're not much of a cook, at least master the basics.)
Be competitive, not docile. Meaning, don't just let him win the basketball game. A man, though his ego may be bruised, loves it when his woman makes him step his game up. And engaging in any physical or competitive sport is always a good thing to share in a relationship.
Have a sense of humor, and a hearty laugh. Those cute giggles will get annoying because they're not genuine. Stop coaxing his ego by laughing at his wack jokes. Instead, use a healthy amount of sarcasm. He'll be pleasantly surprised at your wit...because it keeps him on his toes. Which men like.
Have a hobby or skill that he doesn't. It's good to share talents, but he'll appreciate that you're cultivating some other passion a part from his input.
Have an open mind. You don't know everything...so don't pretend you've got all the answers. This attitude will turn you into the classic "nag" that helps make a loveless marriage.

Best Romance in Cinema (My Comprehensive List)

2010-07-02T13:40:00.008-04:00

Many romance movies borderline a pointless pornography theme, and others dupe the consumer with emotional propaganda that, in no way, represents True Love. However, in my lifetime I've come across many films that stand out. With its genuineness, creativity, and heartfelt message on the love that exists between two people. Granted, I appreciate a good "romp" film or chick flick like the next female 20-something, but only those mentioned are what I classify as Romance.

{Idea taken from my friend, Don.}
This list is in no particular order.

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
This is one of my favorites. The premise of being able to try and literally erase one's ex from your memory, but then attempting to reverse the process, is such a creative concept for a love story. Many of us would like to permanently remove hurtful memories, conversations, and circumstances from the brain. But it gives me a really good feeling when the heart seems to defy the mind and choose to cherish the memory. Jim Carrey is brilliant in this too, and the scenes allow you to vividly travel with him as he fights to get her back.

2. Love and Basketball
I'd say that Brown Sugar is a close runner-up to this movie, but I'll choose this one because of its sentimental value to me when I was a teenager. Classic tale that depicts real circumstances of a young, Black couple that everyone seemed to relate to. This movie struck a cord with me because I was in love with a ball player in high school too (who wasn't, for that matter?). I sort of lived vicariously through Sanaa's Monica because I hoped one day that he'd recognize how amazing I was and we'd both fall madly in love. Eh not exactly my story. Regardless, it was still heart-wrenching to watch the moments after she'd lost that final game and Quincy (played by the gorgeous Omar Epps) said, "Hey...double or nothing." This movie showed me that what is meant to be, truly will be. And this movie has an AMAZING soundtrack, by the way.

3. The Notebook
I'm sorry, this movie still makes me cry like a newborn. It's story is too beautiful to be ignored, and it stays with you long after you've finished watching it. In typical Nicholas Sparks' fashion, where one or both characters die, he still manages to promote the theme of Love that is truly selfless. This principle is a gem in the the midst of movies where women leave their boyfriends for flings had abroad or formed through some great, but short-lived adversity. Many movies show how quickly people are to forfeit commitment for excitement, but this movie emphasizes the opposite. At first viewing, I cried because of the thought, "This is so unfair! How can this happen to two people who love each other and fought so hard to be with one another?" After watching it several times, I realized that their Love was strengthened by her disease, not crippled by it.

4. Moulin Rouge
Another movie that never fails to leave me surrounded by wads of tissue. Not only is this movie a musical (which I absolutely love), but it's beautifully made. It's theme of "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and to be loved in return" is promoted as a philosophy in life; which is what is left with the viewer...rather than a mere feeling. It carries the same realness & transparency as Pretty Woman (which deserves an honorable mention on this list, if I had the room): True Love is able to help a person desire the best out of life. Nicole Kidman's Satine is a woman of ill-repute. Nonetheless, Ewan McGregor's Christian helps her fight to choose a better life for herself. Love makes you want to be your best; for yourself and for that person.

5. Away We Go
This is one of my recent favorites, because it is a straight-forward portrayal of a young couple and their struggle to find their place in the world; together. The movie is hilarious, but has an element of intelligence with its characters (who are all portrayed by great actors with memorable characters). This movie isn't well known, but the fact that it slipped somewhat under the radar makes it special to me. I could heartily relate to Maya Rudolph's Verona and fell in love with the charm and kindness of John Krasinski's Burt (which is an awful name, but actually adds to his lovableness). Ultimately, you grow to care about the couple and pray by the end of the movie that they find as much happiness in the world as they've found in each other.

6. Slumdog Millionaire
First off, Bollywood movies are the best. I was pleased to find out that this movie followed in the Bollywood cinematic tradition, and was not let down while watching it. Beautiful film! It has a rich historic feel that gives as much emphasis on the life of Dev Patel's Jamal, as his struggle to rescue his long lost love. This movie, more than any other movie I can think of, is so much more than a romance.

7. Shakespeare in Love
I adore this movie, because I'm a huge fan of Shakespeare. In my opinion, it is the best explanation of Shakespeare's relation to his Romeo & Juliet. I believe all stories are written from some part of the writer's experience, and I'm sure Shakespeare had a muse to inspire Romeo & Juliet. Combine a beautiful storyline, great actors, and a script that would make Shakespeare proud, and you have a solid romance film. My favorite character is actually Judi Dench who brilliantly played Queen Elizabeth.

8. Titanic
C'mon. This is one of the greatest love stories of my generation. I've never had my heart broken while watching a film before....until I dared go to the theater (Yep. And that's a long time to sit in a theater chair, too) with family to view this historic tragedy. I'd never even learned all about the Titanic prior to....so not only was I (at 12 years old) faced with the grave fact that so many people senselessly died on that ship, but that there is the realization that a potentially great love was cut short in the process. And these lessons are still with me to this day.

9. Beauty and the Beast
Yeah, it's a cartoon. So what? I remember watching this a child, and desiring to have a heart just like Belle: kind and selfless. She was portrayed to me as a heroine that ended up being rewarded for her character. Despite her seemingly disconnected nature with those around her, she still possessed the noblest view of life and love. Quite a pair of shoes to want to walk in; despite the fact that they were first drawn on paper. Magical, be it may, it still resounds an important truth to kids and adults alike: Love is only as powerful as it is unconditional. For that, Disney got it completely right.

10. Forrest Gump
Laugh if you want to, but I've never seen a man love a woman as much as Forrest loved Jenny. Not only is this one of my favorite movies of all time, it's a favorite romance movie of mine. He traveled the world, and found himself in the center of history a number of times. Yet, in the midst of all that travel, he never mentally left his back yard...which is this place where he protected his love for the only woman he'd ever loved. The relationship Tom Hanks' Forrest has with Robin Wright's Jenny is both heartbreaking and hopeful. Love's known to be like that sometimes...

Almost (Spoken Word Piece)

2010-06-29T23:26:00.004-04:00

Wishlist (Repost)

2010-06-26T02:21:00.002-04:00

I want to be wealthy, but live especially below my means.
With a warm, welcoming house to raise my kids in; one that will grow up with them.
And a room full of books and a large window where my spouse and I can write and read.
I want the biggest room to be the kitchen...

And I want to be able to see the stars at night, and have a back yard in case we decide to get a dog.
I want to grow my own vegetables.

[I can picture helping my little girl plant her first batch of tulips.]

I want laughter, joy, and chaos.
A messy house every now and then.
Mischief on Saturday mornings and intimate whispers late at night.

I want adventures that were not planned or expected.

I want to love on children that aren't my own.
And write for the rest of my life; never retiring from it.
I want to love/be with my best friend for the rest of my days, and have children that will have his kindness and my strength. I want him next to me as we introduce life's adventures to them.
I want to hold & kiss my great-grandchildren.

I want to touch people's lives by acting out God's love.
Be a walking, breathing message that He is real.
I want to leave the world having gave all I had; leaving my best behind for my children.

I want to grow wiser with age, but keep a youthful heart.
To love my full head of gray hair and worn hands.
I want my inner beauty to grow as my body's slowly dims.

And live my life as one, huge act of gratitude...

Timing.

2010-06-25T11:38:00.002-04:00

I am a dichotomy of sorts. At times my ideals conflict with my actions. One of those being that of timing. I have an awful sense of timing; despite having a strong reverence for the value of time itself. Losing my brother at an early age opened this door to my mental; showing me that time is precious. No words should be left unsaid. Actions are meant to be intentional, meaningful, but sure. We're only given one life, and a numbered set of chances. Surprisingly, even to myself, I've had my brave moments.

I am not, by far, one of those people who go from spontaneous moment to the next. Maybe because I feel peace when something I put work and effort into, actually meets success. Some things are meant to have the accompaniment of planning. Even important, lofty things like dreams cannot become reality without your own two hands' determined grasp. Regardless, unplanned or thought out, each transition from one season to another is birthed through a single moment. Where you make a decision to move or act. Granted, it's only 1/18 of a second in light of a lifetime, but these moments are the vehicles of our lives.

The moment where I decided to pick up that pencil and paper and write my first poem.
...Where I filled out that college application.
...Where I stood in front of a microphone at my first open mic.
...Where I kissed him back and peeked open my heart.
...Where I prayed that prayer with my pastor.

I've had my brave moments. But I wasn't alone.
Something was always present; beckoning me on. Calling me higher.
Encouraging me not to live life afraid; hiding from the bad moments.

Which is why I don't see life as a rollercoaster meant to only be enjoyed and endured until the ride is over. Each turn, rise, and fall is meaningful. The destination is sure to come, but that doesn't make the journey any less beautiful.

Look up from your grind and notice the handwriting in between each minute on the clock. Pay attention to the hidden pull of Love, and its urgency to call you higher from where you've settled.

Timing speaks and it says that there's more.

200.

2010-06-24T13:39:00.001-04:00

My 200th post! Feels pretty exciting...
Mainly because I've been able to stick with something consistently. And with all of the changes that have taken place in my life since my first post, I'd say that this is somewhat of an achievement. Or maybe I'm just a know-it-all (lol)....either way. Here it is: number 200...

Random thoughts:

My pride of having a black president is starting to wear off, and I'm getting increasingly worried that President Obama may be completely ignoring civil opinion. I fear many things about the future of America. One of them being that our first minority president is being corrupted, despite all of his good intentions coming into office.
Why are all of these music artists coming out with reality shows about their lives? Truthfully, I don't care how you grew up (which doesn't take a whole season to reveal) or your struggle to put together a huge birthday party in Miami. Even though your music may speak some relevance to me, I cannot relate to your current woes about which island in the Caribbean to spend Christmas. I don't care.
This summer is confirming to me that hell is not an option.
I need more fun in my life; whether I have money at the time or not.
I hate it when my beloved is stressed out. More so when I see that he's attempting to handle it all on his own; trying to convince me that nothing's really wrong. He doesn't know that I see him more than he thinks.
I need to get married. Now. This limbo between seriously committed couple and engaged couple is getting old. lol And I'm only partially kidding...
I love my hair. Thank you Kinky-curly :)
I don't care if Drake sold almost 500,000 units in his first week. I still do not like his music.
My perfect concert: Janelle Monae/VV Brown with B.O.B & Lupe Fiasco (I love alternative Hip Hop/Soul. I can get my rock fix with some bomb instrumentally thorough tracks that have dope lyrics).
I'm doing 25 HUGE. I'm already planning...

Love & War

2010-06-19T09:20:00.004-04:00

After much self-inspection, I am still not sure exactly how I survived the past 16 months. While I am grateful that a Being more sovereign than I saw fit to accompany me every step of the way, acting as a guide/protector, I am still taking inventory of all that my heart has endured. Years ago, I would have submerged myself into a vat of self-pity labeled "Victim-mentality", but with 25 less than 3 months away...I'm finding a different perspective. On what it means to live. Truly live. But foremost, on how to truly love.

One cannot be sure how strong the bond is between two people unless it has been tested. Taken through a variety of turmoil and even betrayal. However, I feel that it isn't just the strength of the love that's stressed, but the power of the Will of each person. At any moment after a betrayal or crisis, only one person is needed to decide not to continue. To be committed to another person is the weightiest vow a human being can give, because he/she knows that love alone just isn't enough. We gladly give our lives (and rightfully so) to the notion of possessing love. To give ourselves completely to it. We innately desire to be disassembled by its ways; changing us from the inside out. Then, we realize that intense feelings can be duplicated from person to person. The addicting high that comes with connecting with another person can be experienced repeatedly (as you move from person to person)..and we can feed off of the excitement of an individual's mystery for years. The Love is there, but the Will has not yet taken the reigns.

The first time I fell in love, it ended because he slept with another woman. After 2 years of dating, we had just begun to get to know each other. It was my first adult relationship and we both knew early that we wanted it to lead to marriage. We were insanely in love and it drove our lives. I had just gotten over a 5 year crush/fling that left me empty and afraid. I was war-torn. I can remember the first time he held me, because it was the first time I'd ever been held like that by a man. I was intrigued and enamored by him. So, we allowed ourselves to be caught up in the ebb and flow of our love; with nothing else sustaining us. In retrospect, I believe that we could have worked it out. We could have taken this season of war and used it to strengthen a love that was already present. But we did not.

I allowed that relationship to form my original philosophy on relationships: Love is a Choice.

Afterward, I stopped being afraid of enduring war in Love. I realized it was necessary, and a testing agent to how strong the Love is. Currently, I am still in awe of how much stronger my heart is now. Because it had been broken, subtly and repeatedly. Others have broken it intentionally. However, my Love for my Beloved is so much stronger than it was 16 months ago. My choice to love him is as fiery and passionate as a summer fling, but it's girded with the stuff that allows Love to see its golden years.

War.

2010-06-15T15:47:00.000-04:00

Raheem DeVaughn

Feat. Jill Scott, Bilal, Anthony Hamilton, Algebra, Chrisette Michele, Shelby Johnson, Ledisi, Citizen Cope, Dwele, Chico DeBarge & Rudy Currence

Do Yourself a Favor...

2010-06-02T16:31:00.001-04:00

Tightrope (Wondamix) Janelle Monae feat. Lupe Fiasco & B.O.B.

How I Feel (Photo & Words Version)

2010-05-24T22:24:00.002-04:00

Rest.

Take one moment to pause.

Stop to catch your breath.

Because you are about to engage in the rest of your life.

So stretch your tired muscles

Take the smile inside you out of hiding

And point yourself in the direction of your destiny.

No need for certainty,

Only gather Faith.

Look around for just a moment and marvel at your surroundings,

and remember how far you've come already.

Be grateful.

1st Year of Grad School. Done. {Basically...}

2010-05-13T03:11:00.006-04:00

How I Feel...

2010-04-28T19:16:00.004-04:00

It's that time again....

Be back in two weeks.

My current theme song:

{Remembering} Dr. Dorothy Irene Height

2010-04-20T12:18:00.000-04:00

(March 24, 1912 – April 20, 2010)

"Grandmother of the Civil Rights Movement"

Activist. Educator. Woman. Black.

Her Biography

Thank You Dr. Height.

Men to Avoid. (A Comprehensive List)

2010-04-15T03:02:00.004-04:00

1. The Fiend
I understand that it is a bit of a challenge for both men and women to exercise self-control when it comes to sex. Especially men. Our culture is sexually saturated and that actually weakens the will to keep sex separated for (truly) committed relationships. If you find yourself with a guy who 1) cannot keep his hands off of you at your prompting, 2) makes sexually explicit jokes/references often enough to make it uncomfortable, or 3) has significantly lower/no standards than you when it comes to sex, then you need to leave him alone. [Special mention: If you find porn on his computer/in his DVD collection: run!] This poor guy is not capable of contributing the real work it takes to maintain a relationship outside of the bedroom. No matter how much he brags on his sexual prowess, know that he is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually impotent. Also, you need a guy who you can be sure will protect your integrity, (whether you have been sexual or not).

2. The Passive-Aggressive
In the post-era of the Woman's progressive movement, the sexes are maneuvering on a more equal plane. However, there are some extremes that have been traded in for others. Despite popular opinion, the majority of women still want a "knight-in-shining armor". A protector. A man who will stick up for them at a moment's notice and not be afraid of standing up for what's right. Also, women (as much as we hate to admit it) need a man who will correct us respectfully. [I'll place the emphasis on correct, since respectfully should be a given.] Beware of the guy who is too soft to stand up to others, much less stand up to you. If he doesn't have the self-respect to divide right from wrong, then he is not adequate enough to stand next to you. He's still got some growing to do.

3. The Spiritually Mundane
This one gets a lot of us into unnecessary trouble. First of all, I would suggest two things: 1)you are spiritually growing yourself, 2)that you date within your religion. I've noticed many women (myself included) set their standards too high in other areas (e.g. salary, no kids, etc.) and will accept the bare minimum when it comes to a man's religious walk. Know where your standard is spiritually and do not accept a man who will not actively encourage you to grow. If he shows no remorse towards his/your acts of immorality and isn't attempting to feed his spirit man regularly, then you need to show him the door. If a man cannot lead himself spiritually, then as a spiritual leader he may run a household into the ground.

4. The Momma's Boy
I've heard from a number of sources that if you want to see how a man will treat you; watch how he treats his mother. That is a proven truth. There is, however, an extreme that exists. It is one thing if he seeks wise counsel from his parents/mother, but it is completely unhealthy if he cannot make major decisions without consulting her. A guy who clings to his mother will eventually cling to you; which will lead to you being the stronger half of the relationship. If he seldom/never takes charge over little decisions, or if he consistently caters to your every whim without expressing his own desires, then you should take a step back and examine his heart. Is this his misguided attempt at wooing you or is he secretly afraid of having a back-bone?

5. The Caveman
This guy sees you as his personal porcelain doll. He explicitly thinks that women have a solitary place; which is at the man's side. He has no real regard for a woman as an individual, and is incapable of viewing her past her shapely thighs and alluring nature. To him, women are always nagging and emasculating. This is the guy who complains about women excessively while he's in between relationships. He has an exact philosophy when it comes to women and their behavior, but can't seem to figure out why he's still single. He can be quite charming when engaged in the Chase, but he is actually afraid of being truly vulnerable to the fairer sex. He thinks that as along as he can mentally dominate a female, that he is exerting his manhood. Steer clear of this guy. You do that, then you'll slowly drain him of his mo-jo.

6. The Opportunist
A real man makes things happen, but the extent of this man's hustle is limited to those he associates with. Be cautious when being pursued by him, because he will drain you of your ambition. A woman's hustle is born out of a necessity, and is maintained by a sense of survival. I think, however, the man's hustle is the complete opposite. If, while you're chasing your dreams, he's on the sidelines, then I urge you to give your relationship a second look. Seasons of failure are a given, but a man who has no vision of his own (for his own) is not a man to follow. Don't let him steal your shine...let him go find his own.

7. The Drama King
There is always something popping off with him. You can be relaxing at his house, waiting for him to get off of work. So graciously tidy up his place and start cooking him a meal to enjoy when he gets home. Much to your surprise, he comes in the house, overly upset that you cooked because he was in the mood for pizza. (extreme example, I know) This man loves to pick fights, because he has a sick desire to mentally and emotionally tire you. In moments where he is discontent with his life (temporarily or generally), he intentionally sets up "traps" in your conversations to start arguments. If 1) you are unsure what mood he is going to be in from one day to the next, 2)you notice his reactions never match the situation, or 3)you feel emotionally drained when you're around him, then you should get out of this relationship. These are the types of men who turn out to be abusers (emotional/physical).

So...You Think You're A Lady? (Repost)

2010-04-15T00:41:00.001-04:00

My mother is one of the classiest women I have ever known. No matter how many incredible ladies I will meet in THIS lifetime, no one will surpass my mother. I look up to her simple because she always seeks to be better, despite her flaws. Jesus is my Source for Holiness, but my mother is my example for the standard of class and sophistication.

To my mother, I dedicate this note.

Sadly, most young women lack the 3 things that are imperative in a Lady's character:Dignity, Wisdom,Spirituality.

Dignity- bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation; elevation of character.

Wisdom- knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.

Spirituality- predominantly spiritual character as shown in thought, life, etc.

......

As young women, especially young black women, we have been taught to take up for ourselves. Never let anyone talk you down. Don't back down from anyone. The definition of our character comes from the wrong places. Either we are known for our shape, or for our loud mouths. But a true lady not only knows what to say, but she knows how to say it, and in what situation its appropriate to say it.

Also, our presence doesn't demand respect. We will attract what is inside of us. If you attract disrespect, then its because you need to increase your amount of self-respect. Because the Holy Spirit dwells inside of you, you will treat it as a temple. This should effect what you put on your temple, put into your temple, and allow to come out of your temple. Covers just about everything, right?

"I'm just being myself, and I don't care who doesn't like it."

Excuse me, sister? You don't care? It's that type of attitude that bears the fruit of an unteachable, haughty spirit. This is not the character of a lady.A lady can disagree humbly. She does not HAVE to fight so intently against the stereotypes that try to bind us, because her presence subtly changes the atmosphere around her. She doesn't have to yell or be loud, because one look can express volumes, and you will know exactly how she feels. Now, she CAN get loud when the occasion calls for it, but her wisdom discerns when it is necessary.

She does not have to be self-reliant, because in everything she does, she relies on God for. He supplies her every need. There is no reason for her to chase a man, or break her back endlessly in her career, because she keeps her Father as her number one priority. She doesn't keep her ear to a music industry that constantly slanders her, nor does she listen to the words of the streets who attempt to enslave her. She quiets her spirit, turns off the noise, and concentrates on what her Lord has to say about her. This is where she finds her strength.

Young women, please pay attention to these words. You are far more valuable than you are presenting yourself to be. Your Lord, Your God, is King of the Universe, and you are His daughter.....

...honey, that makes you Royalty. You are a Princess.

Be encouraged.

My Jam for the Moment...

2010-04-02T01:29:00.000-04:00

This song grabs me. And the video gives me energy.

God bless James Brown...

The New [Old] Standard.

2010-03-30T09:46:00.002-04:00

Guess what? Your way of Love just isn't cutting it.

Be More.

Cop Sho Baraka's newest album, Lions & Liars.

Photo Editing Attempt

2010-03-25T00:30:00.001-04:00

love24, originally uploaded by iamspokenword.

"24" is concerning the journey of my 24th year on earth.

How I Feel.

2010-03-22T16:30:00.000-04:00

"...He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."

-1 John 4:4

I am a mere silhouette. A vessel for greatness.

192 hours.

2010-03-09T01:32:00.004-05:00

For the past 8 days, loving him has been like enduring open heart surgery without anesthesia. Metaphorically speaking, of course. All of my theories and convictions about love are undergoing great scrutiny, and sometimes I can't tell my heart from my head. On a brighter note, they are finally starting to come to an agreement: Love is a gorgeous mess.

For the past 3 years (almost), I've been one of three corners in a technical love triangle of friendlationship. (Yes, friendlationship is friendship + relationship. Hear that, Webster?) Infidelity was avoided, but I still ended up being the victim of betrayal. Ultimately, my desire was to keep this out of the blogworld until time created a healthy amount of distance between the confession and the pain that ensued. However, my words provide me healing. Hopefully, it will give my readers the same benefit.

If you read between the lines of my love and I's story, then you will see annotations of another significant bond in his life. This bond, while purposeful in its valuing of genuine friendship, carried the weight of the "What If". Granted, it was incapable of stunting the progression of passion between my love and I. Nonetheless, the fantasy of potential was fed, subtly...until the moment it was strong enough to take on a life of its own. This significant moment fell parallel with the season we took a breather from The Title, mind you. I think the instant I knew that I loved someone who had questionable feelings for someone else, I realized that it would always be the three of us. The night I held his confession letter, I was escorted back to that night I saw him holding her from the reflection of my darkened computer screen. It felt like deja-vu, almost. Although I didn't understand why my heart felt heavy that night so long ago, the rush of past connecting with the present gave me clarity. And it only took me a second to track through every conversation, each moment I quieted the sickening feeling in my gut, and every instance I forced myself to trust him.

My love and I are well on our way to recovery and reconciliation. However, my interaction with the third corner is in a peculiar place. I know most would say that reaching out to her is unnecessary, but my heart beckoned me to. She is peculiar to me, because I'm told that she places only a feather's weight on what happened. Therefore, my attempts to reconcile seem to come off annoying and juvenile....and she is well within her rights to ignore me and my heart. Although it pains me, I will shake the metaphorical dust off of my feet and try to repair and rebuild. I am allergic to dysfunction, but I will not run from it. I'll choose, instead, to war with it.

My love is actively working to gain my trust back. As with the third corner, she sees no point in responding to my extension of forgiveness. No worries, though. I have her scent; matched with a keen sense of smell.

**Update (March 22, 2010): I've talked to the third corner and from our conversation, I've gained closure about her.

Speak. {Part 1}

2010-02-26T02:38:00.000-05:00

For most of my childhood, I thought that my voice was either insignificant or incompetent. I grew up as a soft-spoken soul in the midst of a loud family who needed to shout to get their point across. My peers and I, in grade school, held the belief that the people who talked the loudest/most were heard/reverenced more. I was neither. However, my silence gave me maneuvering abilities. I was able to observe without being noticed, and I witnessed many truths and life lessons. I literally learned through the mistakes of others, and that gave me a bit of wisdom that most teenagers did not have. In a way, it made it easier to stay out of trouble, because I was close enough to see where some paths lead. Superiors and mentors in my life began to take notice. And suddenly, I became an "ideal" teenager; with a clean lifestyle and wisdom, conjointly. Through my silence/docile nature, I had finally been given a voice.

Somewhere around my 21st birthday, I became more and more vocal. Confident in spiritual matters because I'd been groomed to be the leader. The fault-less standard of holiness that others could look up to. The one who not only lived above reproach, but made sure she told everyone else how they should straighten up. I became less afraid of speaking up; and caring less about the consequences. It was liberating, truly. Considering that I was forced to keep silent; be seen and never heard, I took most opportunities to open my heart and mouth and use it as a method to teach and educate others.

My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment. Even so, the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. --James 3:1,5

The moment I was given a voice, I also accepted the tendency to be judgmental and haughty. I assumed that I'd been given a gift of oversight to correct others. I was, unknowingly, using a vehicle of condemnation; calling it a gift of teaching. Meanwhile, I myself struggled with correction, and was more condemning to my own heart than anyone else. "This is the way that it has to be, right?" "People won't change unless you give them hard truth and pierce through their emotions!" I think this passage in James says that those who wish to teach must have a clearer sense of grace, empathy, and humility than those they teach. Teachers will be examined more thoroughly, because of the responsibility attached to carry truth to others. If the teachers misuse their role, then people may not receive truth.

Let everyone be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger because the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. -- James 1:19-20

Likes & Dislikes

2010-02-24T00:36:00.000-05:00

Likes

Ihop's International Free Pancake Day
Naps
Candid pictures that capture emotion
Doggy bags from restaurants
eBay
Struggling to stop laughing
Cult films that represent Black culture (e.g. Coming to America, Black Dynamite)
Learning something new about him
Feeling the peace of God immediately change my attitude
A good quote

Dislikes

Feeling rushed
People who constantly take but never try to give
Seeing a sweet kid shyly smile at you and then the frustrated mother snatch him away
Getting up extra early to finish homework
Crying from frustration
Pushy, ungrateful people
That one person that usually messes up the chill vibe in a room
Double standards
Going too long without reading my Bible

For Michael. [Rememberance]

2010-02-22T15:49:00.001-05:00

11 years and still I feel aching.

Not a sorrowful aching, though. I don't wish for you to leave Paradise to reacquaint yourself to mortal flesh; taking back on its limits and sometimes repugnant tendencies.

Keep your wings.

Spread them, fan the Glory of Heaven closer to where we are. Where we wait, in anticipation. The Lord has been faithful to mend the wounds caused by the suddenness of your goodbye. And He will keep our hearts steady. Everyday. Especially today.

I miss you.

Michael Bradley Jeter

August 1, 1979 - February 22, 1999

Food Lion+Ingles+Kroger = My Rodeo Drive.

2010-02-22T15:27:00.001-05:00

Everytime my mother calls, she'll ask the same question:"You got enough food in your fridge? You getting enough to eat?" Lately, I find myself fussing over my boyfriend more and more when he tells me that he hasn't eaten all day. The first thing I do when I travel back home to my parents' house (after resting my bags in my old room) is look in the refrigerator. And not necessarily because I'm hungry, but it somehow helps me guage how well my parents are doing financially.

I'm starting to notice a trend...

I connect a sense of well-being with the amount of food I have direct access to.

I am not proud to admit this...but the last month and a half of the past fall semester, I stole food from the dining hall on campus. Because of the campus dining plan I chose, I could only visit the dining hall 5 times a week. Plus, I had ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY. Granted, I had shelter, hot water, electricity, and a warm bed. Thankfully, I didn't owe my university any money. But the miniature fridge tucked underneath my bed had a jar of applesauce and a couple bottles of water in it. Life, momentarily, sucked. However, it's strange to me that the moment I received a bit of money, the first thing I thought of to buy was food. I was elated that I could go to the grocery store and get groceries to last me a whole month instead of a pair of cute boots...or skinny jeans from American Eagle. And whenever my fridge was stocked to capacity, with a overloaded bin of snacks sitting next to it, I could care less that the bottoms of my AE ballet flats are starting to wear thin, or that my jeans are outdated. Or that I can fit my entire wardrobe in one suitcase, even.

In the smallest amount feasible, I understand what it's like to not know where you're next meal is coming from. But there are people in other countries, children especially, who go days...weeks without food. Americans see economic status based on the types/quality of clothes a person wears, but true poverty is found within a man. Also, there are almost 13000 McDonald's running in America, with 2000 more than open every year. Americans are the most unhealthy, wasteful people as a group. 25% of the food Americans eat is thrown away.

We think that being blessed is what we drive, wear, and possess. Christians, even, think sometimes that what Jesus meant in John 10:10 equates to material possessions. Granted, He never clarifies, but I'm sure it wasn't physical wealth. There are many people in this world, on a daily basis, that go without basic needs. We should be content (which is not the same as settling) with what we have.

There is no greater satisfaction than a full stomach.

*Dedicated to broke college students.

Wants & Needs

2010-02-21T02:37:00.000-05:00

Wants

skinny jeans & an external hard drive....still
more money
an amazing photo shoot with the best friend
to know who my real friends are
a vacation

Needs

skinny jeans
more discipline with the money I have
intentionally make mental pictures of quiet moments with the best friend
treat everyone with respect and dignity, whether they deserve it or not
more moments to rest my mind

How I Feel.

2010-02-17T11:27:00.001-05:00

In the immortal words of Shug Avery:

"Ooo, Miss Celie...I feels like sanging!"

Learn The Lesson.

2010-02-16T17:40:00.003-05:00

"Life is a long lesson in humility." -- James Matthew Barrie

We live in the age of the Hater, where we place emphasis on having victory over odds and others. From birth, we are taught to pursue what we want in life, and that the most important opinion is our own. The toughest heart is girded to hold to the belief that you can only count on yourself. You are all you have. Even religious-minded people hold similar thoughts: "Trust no man, only God." " Only God can judge me." Circumstances, which are meant to chip away the hardness of our hearts, only add to the boulder on our shoulders. Overall, it's puzzling to me why we end up choosing to grasp tighter to ourselves, instead of letting go. Is it that we think we'll end up losing ourselves at the end of it all? But that's impossible.

We are who we are.

When God created us, He didn't just mold our outer shells. He also placed an inner nature deep inside. That, which is "in His image". But, as the story goes, we believed a lie and took on another, false nature. True love is self-sacrificing, but we are taught that love is indicative on how a person makes us feel. We weren't created to deny our feelings, or be led by them. Yet, God knew that a passionate heart, tainted by a sinful nature would equal disaster. Which is why we, as human beings, are in a constant, ever-abounding need of an ego check.

All of us. From Hitler to Mother Theresa.

Our society desires to keep us occupied on the dissension that lies between us, instead of the real battle that's going on. I'm not downplaying hurt, rejection, or any of the other forms of heartache that one can endure in a lifetime. However, we are taught that the remedy is to increase your self-love. That if you'd simply love yourself more, it will help you make sense of all you've been through. But, that is incomplete.

It's amazing the point of reference you have when you take the stance of a servant.

Love's Day. (A Letter)

2010-02-12T16:24:00.002-05:00

Dear Everyone,

You are Loved. Always have been, and always will be.

Celebrate, on this, your day.

Love,

God

Friends, Acquaintances, and Other Folk.

2010-02-10T12:22:00.002-05:00

I've had an especially fierce burden on my shoulders for my friends recently. Most of them are involved in a wide array of circumstances, and I've actually been able to slow down enough to watch their turmoil unfold before me in a slow-motion fashion. I remember having significant moments like that in high school, and I'm sure it means the same as it does now:

God is intentionally pointing something out to me. To learn from and to pray for. In these moments, God tends to teach me about the ways of people. Certain people, at times, but usually its a general lesson about humanity. I'm broken by the sabotage we allow to go on in our relationships with others. It's natural to have dysfunction...because we're humans. But it's almost as if we have this itch for utter destruction to happen ever so often. People have become indispensable, and we don't value others enough to look past our own needs.

You see it everyday, divorces happen. Childhood friends fall out of sync. Family members hold life-long grudges that affect generations. And we'll choose, instead, to hold onto this immaterial pain that makes our hearts more feeble and colder. Or worse, we'll fill our lives with numerous shallow, unproductive acquaintances...and think that it will fill the place that God reserved for those that will add to our existence. Vulnerably speaking, I wish not to surround myself with drones of people who aren't looking out for my benefit. Those who won't help me stay true to my standards, convictions, ...myself.

Life is too short to try and go at this thing all alone. And I'd rather have two or three in my corner than a crowd of people spectating in the stands.

Figure out who your real friends are. And treat them that way.

Interlude: Re-Introducing.

2010-02-05T02:27:00.002-05:00

Brittney S.

Age 24

In pursuit of a more intimate walk with my Lord.

Explicitly Black.

Graciously Woman.

I write. everything.

Presently being equipped to go back & save our children.

Heart of gold that beats outside of my chest.
Lives for the stage but deaf to applause.
Secretly building "my castle made for two"...

Hello.

Grown, Part 4: Hips.

2010-01-29T12:32:00.004-05:00

I had every intention of remaining a virgin until my wedding night. Not only because it aligned with my morals, but because it was a dream of mine to save my body for the man that pledges his life, heart, and hand to me in the sacred covenant of marriage. I never really understood why most people (or girls, specifically) treated their sexuality with such thoughtlessness & disrespect. (My wish here is not to be judgmental, by the way.) I had friends who believed that being "free" sexually equated being irresponsible. It wasn't until I'd entered into my first serious relationship when my standards were tested. I never even considered "going all the way" until I fell in love.

And even though I was full of upright principles, sound Biblical evidence, and a proper upbringing, I still made subtle choices that led me to a series of bad decisions. Regrettably, I am not the young girl I was, on one hand. However, I am a grown woman who still muses over an old dream: to be a precious gift to my future husband. And to be pure in the eyes of God; forgiven and clothed with priceless Grace.

The matriarchs in my family used to be able to tell that a young woman had started to have sex because her hips would start to spread. I'm not sure how accurate that is, but it served as a proper metaphor concerning growing up:

Adult activity matures the infantile body.

God will begin to prepare the expecting mother for birth through all of the changes her body goes through in those 9 months. He is aware that giving birth is the most daunting, necessary task a human body can endure. An important part of this bodily transformation is how the hips spread (which happens in the first stage of childbirth, actually). It's all necessary, but too much if God has not already prepared the body.

We live in a culture where 11 and 12 year old girls have the bodies of grown women. Wide, voluptuous shapes that confirm that our children are growing up too fast. And when these girls become expectant mothers, it is more likely that the generation to come will be "pre-mature" & impatient in their thinking, maybe because they themselves were birthed by the premature. But we must have hope. Hope that God will still fulfill His promises & plan for every life.

I have hope. Despite my own premature entrance into the world, I still have opportunity to birth something great. These hips were created to birth greatness. I need only to be patient while God continues to prepare His vessel.
...I am grown, after all.

Interlude: Wants & Needs

2010-01-27T17:46:00.000-05:00

wants

A $100 to blow @ Forever 21
A dope new hairstyle
Skinny jeans
A new notebook
One really good photo shoot
Car (transitioning into a "need")
More time on stage performing poetry

needs

$ for the pending apartment
My apartment to no longer be "pending"
The focus/girth to completely fill the notebooks I have
My computer to be fixed
Emotional fortitude
A summer/fall job
Clarity with the avenue to expose a hidden talent

Grown, Part 3: Hair.

2010-01-21T18:36:00.004-05:00

To paraphrase scripture: "A woman's hair is her shining glory."

I remember, as a little girl, the harsh, trying feat of my mother doing my hair. Most of the time, I did not like it. The whole process caused tears and plenty of "ow! ma!" 's coming from my lips. I was affectionately labeled "tender headed", because one comb stroke convulsed my limbs more than a seizure would. Usually, I didn't like the end result either. My bangs were too curly. Or my ponytails were too tight.

But the older members of my family raved about how cute I looked. I pouted as they pinched my cheeks, but something makes more sense to me now than it did back then....

My mother was shaping my glory.

One thing I appreciate about being a Black Woman is that hair-care is a form of intimacy. Mother to child. Sister to sister. Woman to man. Other cultures won't quite understand why this can be a sensitive act between two people. My cousin recently put micro-braids in my hair, and it was a nurturing, bonding experience. She was doing more than "hooking me up". She was tending to my glory.

[I am, in no way, trying to disregard the recent anthem of India.Arie. Women ARE more than their hair. However, there is something significant about the covering of a woman's head that shines brightly to the opposite sex. I've been told that it is one of the first things a man notices about a woman's apperance.]

When I was in middle school, I hated doing my hair. Transitioning through my ball-playing, tomboy phase, I rocked t-shirts and wore my hair back in a ponytail. I never brushed it. I seldom combed it. I washed it to keep it from itching, but I could have cared less what my glory was becoming (or not becoming). It wasn't until I started to get it professionally done (at my mother's prompting) that I noticed a difference. I remember my stylist Keisha (who is still my go-to superwoman when I am back in my home state) spinning my chair around to face the big mirror...and asking me what I thought.

It was one of the first times in my adolescence that I'd felt beautiful without someone telling me so. I remember looking down for a moment in shame because I wasn't aware that I could be pleased with my appearance. But then I quickly looked back up, and smiled at my reflection. Keisha nodded and said something to the effect, "I guess that means you like it."

Sometimes we can be afraid of our own God-given glory. Granted, it is a glory that would be non-existent without Him, but it is ours none the less. Other times, we assume that we should possess a certain type of glory. But true glory is unique to its vessel; though it all comes from a singular Source.

I've spent too much of my life being afraid of me. Stifling the glory that so wishes to shine forth.
It is a battle, but I am searching. Digging for the depths of God's glory, and the glory He has destined to rest on my head. Flowing. Lovely. Gorgeous.

...after all, I am grown now.

For. Haiti.

2010-01-14T12:47:00.000-05:00

If it affects one of us, it affects all of us.

How to Help

Soundtrack for a Revolution.

2010-01-08T09:21:00.002-05:00

What Did I Do In 2009?

2010-01-01T08:58:00.003-05:00

Inspired by N.Steven...

Endured the WORST case of Senior-itis imaginable
...but still graduated from college; getting my Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology
Went through my first full year since going natural (hair, that is)
...and I learned to cut my own bangs (Don't smirk, that's an accomplishment.)
Completed my first year as a Resident Assistant...working on the second.
Burned through over $450 on a birthday shopping spree over the course of a weekend
[Speaking of birthdays] I turned 24
Had a summer that consisted of writing, sleeping, and talking on the phone. Jealous?
Cried on a consistant basis...
...because I fell deeper in Love with my best friend
...whom I was seperated from for 8 agonizing months...
...but we got back together; better and stronger than we were before.
Survived my first semester of graduate school (and with exceptional grades might I add)
Messed up...had quite a few "almost's"...but still managed to drag my broken self back towards the Throne of Grace
Went caroling for the first time
Gained closure for all three of my previous relationships that ended in heartache...one of which, I took by force)
Learned that God IS the God of Second Chances (and third, fourth, etc.)
Dance sporatically with friends sitting in a parking lot
Banned BET
Stood in the cold rain for/during a home football game for 7 hours. Yeah...never doing THAT again.
Had a grip of my family in VA with me at the same time (Yeah. Glorious Chaos...)
Performed poetry (with the best friend) a few times; including in front of a crowd of about 75 people.
Bought almost 20 books...including Just Some Stuff I Wrote Down
Raised a virtual child online
Mourned the loss of a Legend
Saw a couple great theatre plays & went to The Concert that changed my life
Got lost in DC & NJ
Was involved in a technical love triangle...and witnessed the woeful formation of another
Got lost in beautiful, intimate moments
"Chased" a homeless bum to give him some food
Fell out of a moving car
Acquired a serious love jones for Phonte Coleman of Little Brother/The Foreign Exchange
Witnessed two of my closest girlfriends (one of which who swore she'd be a cat lady) fall in love
Starred in my first Hawt Sawse video (Sure, you have no idea who I'm talking about...so watch it!)
Stole food from my campus' cafeteria for 2 1/2 months straight
Lost and found my necklace in over a foot of snow
Watched my mom learn to walk again
Acquired addictions to Bejeweled, Moe's Southern Hot Wings, and chocolate syrup :)

Grown, Part 2: Heart

2009-12-31T00:32:00.012-05:00

I spent most of my "girl-hood" stuck in a perpetual state of playing house. Only brave enough to muse over my dreams and desires for love. As a girl, I never considered what I needed to become as those dreams and desires transitioned into reality. I wanted Love, and I thought that I would be in a state of life-long bliss and inner fulfillment once it arrived. That little girl forgot about the sort of heart needed in order to catch, keep, and cultivate Love.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

As a girl in relationships, I gave my heart without question. I prematurely opened myself to the great ideal I worshiped. I caught a hint of potential and attempted to form it with my own tiny hands into what I thought I wanted. I was blind to the fact that what I needed was unlike anything I'd seen on TV or even in my own house. It was a craving for a unique Love that I knew well but was also estranged to. Once I realized that limited, earthly affection was never meant to fulfill that need, I was able to conclude what the heart (with all of its desires) was created for.

Imagine suffering such great disappointment on a consistent basis; serving as a reminder that you will never be loved like you desired. Looking all around for the source of True Love that didn't seem to want to be found. Suddenly, you look inside and notice that you had the Source all along. He was the Comforter that held you close as your heart broke for the thousandth time. He felt every sting of rejection and disapproval you've ever felt. He compassionately dried every tear, and waited patiently while suffering through the greatest Unrequited Love story that has ever taken place.

Christ waited for me to see that He is my Source, and that my heart was His home. I was to guard that dwelling place because giving it to those undeserving would be abandoning my First Love. Trading in gold for a clump of dirt. It isn't until the day that I exchange my heart with another that I can free my heart. And I have to keep preparing myself for that day, because it could be closer than I think.
I mean, I am grown after all....

Grown, Part 1: Head

2009-12-25T20:07:00.006-05:00

My imagination can tend to run away from me at times. One iota of evidence, mixed with an already existing tendency towards distrust, can paint a clear picture prematurely. It wasn't until recently that I realized how this way of thinking was sabotaging my life. The wisest woman I know, my mother, used to always tell me, "Believe little of what you hear, and even less of what you see."

Little girls are led away by their pre-existing notions which are usually made concrete by prototypes of the past. It takes a grown woman to recognize that the more life you experience, the less typical life seems to be. I'm beginning to understand that. My defense mechanisms & victim mentality will only aid in keeping me trapped in a self-fulfilling prophecy that I will always stop short of fulfillment. In a constant cycle of disappointment, and with a strong inability to see joy in each breath and sunrise.

The inner corridors of my head are where this battle rages daily. But, I have become more victorious lately. There are far too many dreams and desires close enough within my grasp to continue to nurse wounds that have already scabbed over. After all, I am grown now.

Grown. [Intro]

2009-12-21T00:50:00.001-05:00

24 years. 3 months. And 10 days.

......

Wants & Needs

2009-12-19T15:43:00.000-05:00

Wants

My computer fixed/External Hard Drive
A real bomb pair of skinny jeans
Bling :)
Sharing the stage with Phonte of The Foreign Exchange
Jill Scott concert tickets
Attend a guest lecture from Nikki Giovanni/ or Maya Angelou
Discovery of another indie music gem

Needs

Peace concerning trouble getting pregnant with my future husband
Grace to do it right this time
Clarity & Direction for future plans
To be hidden away in the arms of Christ
More adventures with my best friend

How I Feel.

2009-12-08T10:18:00.001-05:00

...Life is chaos. Be back soon...

Maxwell's cover of MJ's "Lady in My Life"

2009-12-03T16:25:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Ms. Jonesin Eb for this one...

Thanksgiving.

2009-11-29T17:19:00.005-05:00

+

Special thanks to Maxine the Nissan Maxima, the George family, and the "great" state of NJ for a wonderful 8 days.

Smile. Thanksgiving Break is Here :)

2009-11-20T01:50:00.001-05:00

Bad quality video. Still funny tho. :)

How I Feel (Lyrics Version)

2009-11-15T11:06:00.004-05:00

I've come through many hard trials
Through temptations on every hand
Though Satan's tried to stop me
And to place my feet on sinking sand
Through the pain and all of my sorrows
Through the tears and all of my fears
The Lord was there to keep me
For He's kept me in the midst of it all

Not because I've been so faithful
Not Because I've always obeyed
Noo, It's not because I trust him
To be with me all of the way
But it's because He loves me so dearly
He was there to answer my call
He was there always to protect me
For He's kept me in the midst of it all

--From "In the Midst of it All" Yolanda Adams

As Always....He is the Last Thing I Think of...

2009-11-13T02:52:00.007-05:00

It's something about that initial contact.

That moment.
I mean, we exist a part from each others sights consistently.
It could be days before we are next to each other, and that doesn't make me question whether or not I am on his mind...Like he is on mine...
I don't wonder if the love is fading, because I feel that the exact opposite is true.

Still.
It's something about that first hug. The "hello" in his hand grabbing mine.
The second his fingertips graze my cheek.
I anticipate the electricity but am still caught off guard at the point of impact.
Sometimes, I want to go through intentional bouts of long distant agony, so that I experience his touch at maximum strength.

It's love.
I know.
But in that moment, it's as if I've always known...but not quite enough.
I missed a detail. A hidden, minuscule portion of the obvious.
That contact overwhelms my awareness.
And if doubt could ever manage it's way into my heart, it could never be then.
In that moment.
...There's just no room.

Honest Scrap Award.

2009-11-13T00:46:00.008-05:00

I have had the supreme pleasure of coming across some of the greatest minds in the blog-o-sphere. And I believe that when you receive some form of recognition, you should share the spotlight with those who have contributed to your gift. And since I've so graciously received the Honest Scrap Award, I want to pass it along to those whose blogs consistently inspire and move me.

The honest scrap award rules:
1. Present the award to seven bloggers whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design or who have encouraged you.
2. Tell those seven people that you have given them the Honest Scrap Award.
3. Share ten honest things about yourself.

I Nominate (Click to go to the blog) :

10 Honest Things 'bout Me:
1. I love being Southern. Wouldn't trade it for any other geographic affiliation in our nation.
2. I'm supressing baby/family fever. My COUN 502 course is NOT helping me win this battle.... (I've spent the last 2 months raising a Virtual Child as part of this course's project. Um. Yeah.)
3. I hate politics. It's a shame that people who don't hold my same morals can teach those who do a thing or two about civility and tolerance.
4. I am surrounded by opportunities to force friendships. And I can't do it anymore. I'm sick of pretending that I have connections with people that I just don't. And that makes me sad....
5. I spend many moments of the day reminding myself that I am okay just the way that I am. I take up too much of my time actively trying to evolve/grow, but it's when I completely let go, that I forget what I lack; unconsciously trusting that it's God that adds to my heart daily.
6. I love writing. (Duh....but. Really. I do.)
7. I don't know why Jesus loved me enough to die for me. Or why He still loves me. Or why He promises to love me always. But whatever the answer is...it is, by far, the hope of my life.
8. The more I'm extremely picky about what music I listen to/buy/download, the more gems I find. (I.e. The Foreign Exchange)
9. I'm starting to loathe the whole gift part of Christmas. I don't want a thing this year.
10. I love my momma. There's no one else I look up to more.

Shabazz. Palaces.

2009-11-11T01:14:00.003-05:00

Shabazz Palaces - "Belhaven Meridian" [OFFICIAL] from Kahlil Joseph on Vimeo.

This video was shot in ONE take, FYI. Not to mention the track is dope.
[Found on Soulbounce.com.]

In Memory of the Unborn.

2009-11-11T00:30:00.002-05:00

Untitled (Haiku)
4-18-07

women silently
giving birth to corpses. Who
will speak for the dead?

Ugly. (Part 2...before Part 1)

2009-11-01T01:39:00.004-04:00

I carry a beauty inside that I do not understand.

I have never thought of myself as an especially attractive person, but I do see a beauty when I look into my own reflection. I see beauty in most things, actually. There is beauty in the embrace of two enemies. In the giggle of a carefree child. In the random, purposeful flight pattern of a butterfly. Even in the surprising crescendo of melody during the bridge of a song. It’s as if a surge of emotion comes from a hidden place inside of you, and for a moment, you connect with God’s original design. Sometimes, I’ll want to stay and linger, because it feels like I am literally walking through the Garden with Him. It feels familiar; like I am back in a place where I am welcome. Home.

I tend to hide in the background.

Even though I stand at an even six feet, I am most comfortable preparing others for their individual callings for greatness. I’ve had moments where I’ve witnessed God’s light within my own soul. However, I try my best to shy away from it after a while, because I do not want to get contented with the idea that God wants to dwell permanently within me. I understand that for salvation and righteousness purposes, God wants to set up his dominion. He wishes to have complete Lordship over my heart, and to this, I gladly comply. Still, I am uneasy with the fact that He not only wants to own me, but He wants to live in and through me.

A landlord is not required to live in the same apartment complex as his tenants, but a good landlord will commit to the well-being of those who live there. The landlord who lives among his tenants wishes to be readily available to them. I will never understand why Christ saved my soul, only to set up a gorgeous palace in the center of its ruins, and then rest there.

He is my beauty.
He’s the beauty that I do not understand.
...That I am scared to death to live without...

Out In the Cold.

2009-10-28T01:10:00.006-04:00

Love subjects you to the worse kinds of treatment. It is literally a call to submit one's will to that of another. That may mean forgiving an offense quickly. Biting your tongue when misunderstood. Embrace when you're not ready to. Love never looks out for itself...it is constantly, intentionally self-less.

Easier said than done.

Oh, it's quite easy to give your last dime when you don't have any issues standing in the way of you and the person in need. It's pretty effortless to give Love in the middle of June, on a gorgeous beach...as you and your baby stretch out next to one another; picking out clouds and deciphering their shapes.

Sure.

But, to me, Love is the dead of winter. Two embittered people stung by circumstance and hovering together underneath one umbrella...Meanwhile the harsh cold winds blow and the stinging snow comes down unmercifully. There is a chance for survival, because they are in it together. There will be times where the other person will slow his/her pace. Or get weary. And will need encouragement and a strong arm to hold them up. Soon, it may be your own feet that drag from the journey in the cold. Love knows that it will die without exercise or freedom of movement. So, in the cold it moves as much as it possibly can...

But what if there's only one person? A solitary soul...out in the cold.

"...if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?"
--Ecclesiastes 4:11

What happens to a person that has no other to keep him/her warm? To aid him/her along in the journey? Always possessing the Source/Creator of Love, but having no one to exercise Love to? Or having a body to keep warm, but receiving no warmth themselves in return? How does a heart survive without true empathy, selflessness, and kindness?

How long will that soul travel the streets before someone stops to join him/her?

Simple Truth.

2009-10-16T01:38:00.004-04:00

I can be irrational and difficult.
Moody and over-analytical.
Guide issues of the heart with the logic in my head.
Sometimes I will use too many seconds doubting and not enough of them noticing the way he looks at me.
But simply....still...he loves me.
And the feeling is completely and utterly...
Mutual.

Love Musings.

2009-10-14T01:39:00.003-04:00

1. It isn't until he sees her laugh at another guy's joke, or say hello to him while making direct eye contact, that he considers maybe bachelorhood wasn't as wonderful as he thought. For a second, he thinks that possibly...he had it good for a little while.

2. Single people long to be in a relationship. Married people secretly wish for their single or courtship days. Widowers mourn over lost lovers. It's a harsh reality: love is hard.

3. I am amazed at how discontent we are with one another's humanity in relationships. Truthfully, everyone wants someone that they can rest their hat and coat with. To be faced with their plain face, morning breath, and grumpy moods...and still consider them worth keeping around.

4. Speaking of plain faces: I make it a habit of not wearing make-up regularly when dating a guy. Simply because I want him to make sure he sees what he's getting.

5. Anyone deciding to chase after love must be prepared to endure a triathlon. Love tends to involve various disciplines and demands eclectic skill. It isn't just running for great distances, but a trek across land and sea.

6. I still wonder what he is thinking when he looks at me....

7. "Love at first sight"....but what about Mothers and unborn babies? Love transcends sight, I think.

How I Feel (Music Version).

2009-10-05T01:58:00.002-04:00

Hallelujah.

No Longer a Bridesmaid...

2009-10-02T12:21:00.001-04:00

I loved to play dress up as a little girl.

I can picture myself placing my tiny feet into my mother’s high heels, draping her long dresses over my small body, and pretending that I was a kind mother or a strong wife. My favorite character to play dress up in was a bride on her wedding day. I clearly recall my mother pulling out her wedding dress from the back of her closet; carefully removing it from its clear, plastic bag and smoothing out the impressed wrinkles. She would gaze retrospectively at the dress; recalling how she felt on that day. I have had many talks with her, as well as many young women, about my anticipation towards wearing this special garment myself one day. No matter my relationship status, I possess a secret desire to don this piece of clothing that represents honor, beauty, and grace.

I’m surrounded by a culture that marries young, and I have yet to make significant strides towards that walk down the aisle. Somewhere around the entrance of my 24th birthday, I began to get slightly depressed about how distant I am from getting married. I talk frequently with 21 and 22 year olds who have recently tied the knot, and they (though enduring their share of problems that come along with getting married young) seem to be so grounded in their Love for one another. A part of me feels like I haven’t earned this privilege yet; the privilege of being committed to. That despite the hardships that are promised with being in Love, I haven’t arrived at the level to where I can wear that beautiful wedding dress and declare that I have someone who wants to Love me unconditionally. I can only be one of the bridesmaids; those who can celebrate and advocate for Love, but cannot relate to the demonstration taking place between the Groom and his Bride.

Participating in the celebration, but unable to take ownership of this Love.

Revelation 19:7-8 (English Standard Version)
7Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;
8it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

I have been so enamored by the timing that I will wear a physical wedding dress, that I have forgotten that I am already clothed. I am adorned in my spirit with grace, beauty, and honor through His salvation and holiness. My spiritual linens are pure and white, and every day my heart is being prepared for the day that He (my Groom) will return for me. Each moment that I commune with Him, I am reminded that before any man decides to declare his lifelong Love to me, I already hold the promise to “Love, honor, and protect” from God. Eternally. He has always loved me. He is my First Love. I am already a Bride….His. There is no “until death, do us part” in my Groom and I’s vows.

I am His now, and for always.

"How I Got Over". The Roots.

2009-10-01T01:48:00.000-04:00

The Roots - How I Got Over (Directed by BBGUN) from bbgun on Vimeo.

Living in the Moment.

2009-09-28T23:15:00.004-04:00

It was one of those rare instances where I didn’t feel pressured to contribute something clever to the moment. It was during one of my many required meetings as a Resident Assistant. I sat on my bed across from my roommate & partner. Scattered across our room were the other student leaders; excitedly involved in other many random conversations. We were attempting to get through important announcements; which is usually difficult for my girls because we see every gathering as an opportunity for fellowship. More pleasure than business, you would say.

I was especially tired. Had this been a regular Sunday night, with an overworked weekend behind me and a busy week looming ahead, I would have been short on patience. Like I said, I was tired. Funny thing is, is that it was a regular Sunday night, but my attitude was significantly different.

My thoughtful gaze scanned the room. I took in each smile and burst of laughter. I noticed their emotions and sense of camaraderie they shared with each other. We had an agenda set, and we had pertinent information to go over, but all I could do was smile. Interestingly enough, I glanced upwards and met eyes with my roommate, who looked as though she shared my thoughts. We grinned at each other, and she softly shook her head.

I’m thankful for the moments where God turns my face towards His; where He gently reminds me to enjoy the present moment He’s given me. I am 24 years old, and already I am so easily swept away in using future tense. The second that I stare too long at the distant horizon, I feel life speed up, and there is a bit of joy that I’ve missed.

I’m too blessed to ignore what’s in front of me. The grace above me. The power within me. And the Love surrounding me. It’s only in the times where I am still that I realize that I have so much to be thankful for.

I think I’ll take a second longer to smell these roses. Life is beautiful, and in abundance...

7 Months.19 days.13 hours.

2009-09-19T02:06:00.005-04:00

I've reasoned around it, armed my heart with logic and understanding, and convinced myself countless times that our break from each other is healthy. Needed.
But I've sat and surveyed the past 7 months, 19 days, and 13 hours, and I've tried to make sense of a couple things:

Most things between us stayed the same, relationally.
Every time I bring up our relationship, you get tense and/or frustrated.
The night I attempted to discard all ties from you, you became distraught.
My love for you has grown since the day we decided to take a break.
Why exactly you continually need a break.
You're aware that you're hurting me, and yet you still do it.

In the event that we do get back together, what happens then?
We can change our FB status back to "In a relationship"....but, what else? We won't hang out more often than we do now....my heart will still thump ferociously when you appear...my mind will still go to the moon when you hug me or touch me.

What am I doing?
What should I do?

Just....just say it, already...

2009-09-16T12:23:00.006-04:00

I don't think he knows that I'm speaking the same phrase to him.
Repeatedly. The last time more emphatically than the one before.
Every. thing. that I do....repeats that phrase to him: The way I smile extra wide when he's around...to let him know that I am happier in the moment. How quickly I give. And give. And give. And receive when he manages to give. The way I glance in his direction & hold it there until I catch his eyes. The way I lower my guard. and my walls...leaving myself defenseless. How I convince my heart that everything will be okay, that the day will come when I can love you completely and it will be okay... And that it's somehow honorable to be foolish when you love someone. The way I remind myself that you aren't running from me....right?

"I love you."

How I Feel....

2009-09-15T00:00:00.001-04:00

A Girl Can Dream...

2009-09-14T00:44:00.004-04:00

I wished my world was made up of only My Lord, Poetry, Love, and him.
To walk in the garden again with God; know Him without getting in my own way.
Write with clarity and vulnerability, and Love giving no thought to consequence.
To have him at my side and adjoined to his heart always, without fear or pretense.

Love, Chasity, & Prudence. (Intro?)

2009-09-03T01:19:00.005-04:00

"What is my love for him founded on?"

I asked myself this question while deep in prayer. Realizing that I'm in a critical place in life, and that I cannot afford to drag around dysfunction disguised as Love. I was ready to let you go.

One look, would give me the answer. So, once the service was over, I looked at you; softly requesting you to pray for me. Your reaction caused a million thoughts, wildly varied but topically centered, to rush through my mind:

"If he never touched me again, the kindness in his eyes would provide ample warmth and affection. If I forget what his lips feel like, my spirit is content with the genuineness tucked underneath each of his words. I would neglect my body forever if it meant that I could [one day] live in his heart."

FE is the Truth. Period.

2009-08-30T18:43:00.000-04:00