A Man Among Boys (Intro)

I am dating one of the most incredibly raw minds of this world. He sees his sporadic thinking as a flaw, but I believe that in moments where it acquires focus/purpose, he captivates the listener with a rare combination of wisdom, wit, and empathy. With that being said, it scares me when he feels that he cannot capture the respect/attention of other males. There is a part of his existence that has been backed into a corner, and I feel that speaking on his behalf would be overstepping my boundaries as the girlfriend.

His baritone has jarred me. Left me standing at full attention and ready to join him in both task and heart. While it is thrilling to watch his manhood stand out further among lesser Johns, I'm saddened that they secretly jeer at his words. And I'm unsure of the coming-of-age process. How men accept one another and respect the thoughts of another male. What convinces a male that he can stand in a man's shoes; fulfill his role, and gain the recognition of other men?

Patience

Hm.

Another friend of mine is engaged. Happily engaged. And I am forced to do that "mind thing" where I remind myself that it's okay that it's not me. Because I love him, and he loves me back. I trust that he, and more importantly, God, has a great, unique, taylor-made plan just for us. I'd rather wait another 10 years, enduring a seemingly endless dating purgatory than to do things too soon.



I'm okay.

See You Later, Darling...

I still get sad when he leaves.
Not all the time, and not in a way that cripples me.
But I do dread that moment when he shifts in his seat, checks the time on his phone, and says,
"I think I'm going to get ready to head home."

I'll admit it.
My heart sinks a tad.

Yes, I know that it won't be long before I see him again.
And I have that first hug/touch/smile to look forward to...

Still.
Seeing him walk/drive away isn't always fun.
I think I'm dealing with the "see you later" becoming a possible "goodbye".
Sure, that's pretty pessimistic/paranoid, but it only takes losing someone once without warning to get you thinking about the moments you're allowed to have with those you love.
There are times where I wish he'd come back for one more hug. One last look into my eyes to subliminally tell him that I thank God for him.

I'm not sure how it became the norm, but every time he drops me off at my house, he will wait until I get my key into the door, for it to open, and for me to turn to look at him sitting in his car...before he waves at me. And I'll wave back.

He does that every time.
And that wave isn't frantic like a "goodbye" (you know, how you see at the end of movies...), but it's a subtle, unconscious "see you later". Which is why that first hug/touch/smile is so electric to me. It's like God gave us a gift in the form of a fulfilled "see you later".

Because none of us knows if we will every see anyone later, right?

192 hours.

For the past 8 days, loving him has been like enduring open heart surgery without anesthesia. Metaphorically speaking, of course.  All of my theories and convictions about love are undergoing great scrutiny, and sometimes I can't tell my heart from my head. On a brighter note, they are finally starting to come to an agreement: Love is a gorgeous mess.

For the past 3 years (almost), I've been one of three corners in a technical love triangle of friendlationship. (Yes, friendlationship is friendship + relationship. Hear that, Webster?) Infidelity was avoided, but I still ended up being the victim of betrayal. Ultimately, my desire was to keep this out of the blogworld until time created a healthy amount of distance between the confession and the pain that ensued. However, my words provide me healing. Hopefully, it will give my readers the same benefit.

If you read between the lines of my love and I's story, then you will see annotations of another significant bond in his life. This bond, while purposeful in its valuing of genuine friendship, carried the weight of the "What If". Granted, it was incapable of stunting the progression of passion between my love and I. Nonetheless, the fantasy of potential was fed, subtly...until the moment it was strong enough to take on a life of its own. This significant moment fell parallel with the season we took a breather from The Title, mind you. I think the instant I knew that I loved someone who had questionable feelings for someone else, I realized that it would always be the three of us. The night I held his confession letter, I was escorted back to that night I saw him holding her from the reflection of my darkened computer screen. It felt like deja-vu, almost. Although I didn't understand why my heart felt heavy that night so long ago, the rush of past connecting with the present gave me clarity. And it only took me a second to track through every conversation, each moment I quieted the sickening feeling in my gut, and every instance I forced myself to trust him.

My love and I are well on our way to recovery and reconciliation. However, my interaction with the third corner is in a peculiar place. I know most would say that reaching out to her is unnecessary, but my heart beckoned me to. She is peculiar to me, because I'm told that she places only a feather's weight on what happened. Therefore, my attempts to reconcile seem to come off annoying and juvenile....and she is well within her rights to ignore me and my heart. Although it pains me, I will shake the metaphorical dust off of my feet and try to repair and rebuild. I am allergic to dysfunction, but I will not run from it. I'll choose, instead, to war with it.

My love is actively working to gain my trust back. As with the third corner, she sees no point in responding to my extension of forgiveness. No worries, though. I have her scent; matched with a keen sense of smell.

**Update (March 22, 2010): I've talked to the third corner and from our conversation, I've gained closure about her.

As Always....He is the Last Thing I Think of...

It's something about that initial contact.

That moment.
I mean, we exist a part from each others sights consistently.
It could be days before we are next to each other, and that doesn't make me question whether or not I am on his mind...Like he is on mine...
I don't wonder if the love is fading, because I feel that the exact opposite is true.

Still.
It's something about that first hug. The "hello" in his hand grabbing mine.
The second his fingertips graze my cheek.
I anticipate the electricity but am still caught off guard at the point of impact.
Sometimes, I want to go through intentional bouts of long distant agony, so that I experience his touch at maximum strength.

It's love.
I know.
But in that moment, it's as if I've always known...but not quite enough.
I missed a detail. A hidden, minuscule portion of the obvious.
That contact overwhelms my awareness.
And if doubt could ever manage it's way into my heart, it could never be then.
In that moment.
...There's just no room.

Simple Truth.

I can be irrational and difficult.
Moody and over-analytical.
Guide issues of the heart with the logic in my head.
Sometimes I will use too many seconds doubting and not enough of them noticing the way he looks at me.
But simply....still...he loves me.
And the feeling is completely and utterly...
Mutual.

7 Months.19 days.13 hours.

I've reasoned around it, armed my heart with logic and understanding, and convinced myself countless times that our break from each other is healthy. Needed.
But I've sat and surveyed the past 7 months, 19 days, and 13 hours, and I've tried to make sense of a couple things:

• Most things between us stayed the same, relationally.
• Every time I bring up our relationship, you get tense and/or frustrated.
• The night I attempted to discard all ties from you, you became distraught.
  
• My love for you has grown since the day we decided to take a break.
• Why exactly you continually need a break.
• You're aware that you're hurting me, and yet you still do it.
  

In the event that we do get back together, what happens then?
We can change our FB status back to "In a relationship"....but, what else? We won't hang out more often than we do now....my heart will still thump ferociously when you appear...my mind will still go to the moon when you hug me or touch me.

What am I doing?
What should I do?

Just....just say it, already...

I don't think he knows that I'm speaking the same phrase to him.
Repeatedly. The last time more emphatically than the one before.
Every. thing. that I do....repeats that phrase to him: The way I smile extra wide when he's around...to let him know that I am happier in the moment. How quickly I give. And give. And give. And receive when he manages to give. The way I glance in his direction & hold it there until I catch his eyes. The way I lower my guard. and my walls...leaving myself defenseless. How I convince my heart that everything will be okay, that the day will come when I can love you completely and it will be okay... And that it's somehow honorable to be foolish when you love someone. The way I remind myself that you aren't running from me....right?

"I love you."

A Girl Can Dream...

I wished my world was made up of only My Lord, Poetry, Love, and him.
To walk in the garden again with God; know Him without getting in my own way.
Write with clarity and vulnerability, and Love giving no thought to consequence.
To have him at my side and adjoined to his heart always, without fear or pretense.

Love, Chasity, & Prudence. (Intro?)

"What is my love for him founded on?"

I asked myself this question while deep in prayer. Realizing that I'm in a critical place in life, and that I cannot afford to drag around dysfunction disguised as Love. I was ready to let you go.

One look, would give me the answer. So, once the service was over, I looked at you; softly requesting you to pray for me. Your reaction caused a million thoughts, wildly varied but topically centered, to rush through my mind:

"If he never touched me again, the kindness in his eyes would provide ample warmth and affection. If I forget what his lips feel like, my spirit is content with the genuineness tucked underneath each of his words. I would neglect my body forever if it meant that I could [one day] live in his heart."

We've Come So Far, but have So Far To Go.

I have loved the same guy for over 2 1/2 years. He's been my friend for over 3 1/2. It was a short time before I fell in love with him, that he was my Best friend. In the span of 18 months, we aimed and shot emphatically at each others hearts....pacing at the speed of light. Passion and emotion, mixed with a deeply poetic connection and Spiritual accord to boot, and you have a duo that became almost infamous among our circle of friends.

Life did what it's known to do. It proved to be bigger than we could handle with our overeager hands. The title became too much of a weight to carry. And the future, with all of its expectations and hope, took his breath away. Thus, the status became "complicated".

After almost 7 months of being "just friends", there's still a glow growing between us that we can't seem to smother. Close friends of ours watch closely to see if we'll eventually disintegrate like most in the same scenario do. The title has been stripped; resting on a strategically placed mantel...hidden away. But, laughter and camaraderie still exists as strongly as it ever did. Granted, it took some work to get there...but we're still here. Still friends.

I look back at the path we've taken to get to this spot, and it's littered with debris from all that we've endured at one another's side. And then I squint my eyes at the trail extended before he and I. It's straight and narrow, yet wide enough for two pairs of feet. And it seems to stretch for miles.....

Final Thoughts for Tonight...

Who is this voice telling me not to trust him?
...dear God, I hope he doesn't hurt me...

Court Jester.

I'm very good at making myself look like a fool for him. Since enduring the Great Hurt in high school, I promised myself that I would never conduct heart matters without a heavy amount of dignity. Now, all of my mature intentions have gone completely out of the window. I am utterly devoid of "cool points". And I could care less.

Even though I can feel my inner feminist cringe and flinch whenever I smile insanely at a text from him, look at his picture for the millionth time, or jump at the sound of his ring-tone, the romantic little girl in me comes out of hiding. Each day, I experience the same blended emotion:
gratefulness because of our friendship, and fear of losing his love forever. I live in the moment, emphatically....times 4. Because not only am I purposefully NOT thinking about getting back together, I am so thankful for every second and moment I get to spend with him.

I'm constantly in the mode of making a memory. I take longer looks into his eyes. Wrap my arms around his neck for a second more. I listen intently like a friend would, but at the same time...I am paying special attention to the light in his eyes when he discusses certain topics. I memorize the moments his dimples fade and reappear. The rise and fall of his smile when he's trying to hide a thought. I listen. More than he realizes.

I express purpose in my speech...so that he never misunderstands that I am appreciating every moment. And that is so foolish of me.

Because he doesn't need all of that, does he?
He doesn't need such attention or sincerity...

...rather a warm body at night, that is gone by daybreak.
Or an open, willing heart with no strings attached.
And I am a fool...because I would give it.

Today.

I'd waited for over 3 months to see him. My very best friend.
I didn't know what I would do the moment my eyes met his. I didn't care, really.
I just wanted him near. Have him smile at me and playfully grab me into his arms.

Six months ago I wouldn't want to settle for just that. I'd want more.
But today...felt different. [Those desires are still alive, mind you. Hidden, but alive.]
It felt different because of how slowly each moment passed. It's like I watched his every move...in slow motion. Noticing things that I'd normally miss:
His posture.
The subtle mix of expectancy and purpose in his eyes.
The reflection and wiser introspection in his speech.

At some point Today, I thought, "My gosh. My best friend has grown. "
And it thrilled me in a way that I really can't explain.
He's always made me curious...but Today, I watched him so very closely.
I will dare to say that I was intrigued.
He is the same person, but sharper and amplified. I began to thank God because it was so evident that the summer has been good to both of us. Naturally, I am expectant. But in a calm way. Knowing that the best method doesn't involve either of our pairs of hands.

Upon my initiation, we slightly reenacted a fond memory of ours.
Our conversation, though brief, reminded me of how much I cherish him.
...and how much I....love him.

Forget relationship titles/status for a moment...being in the arms of a friend is more than I can ask for.

I'll let God take care of the technicalities....

Building My Castle for Two...

I am quietly building. Storing up an internal investment specifically for his heart. Actively waiting for the moment where he will open up his mouth and say to me, "It's you". Momentairly, I will relapse into a state of fear and doubt. I try and remind myself that friendship is more than enough, and that I should be grateful to have him in my life.

"Relax" I whisper to the aching member inside my chest."He won't recognize your emotions as pain. And it will hurt him to be reminded of his temporary selfishness. It is for the best. Let the pain go...just love him."

I expected love to be fair. For it to go right when I felt that it should. But truthfully, love can equate sacrifice. And in order for it to grow wings and soar, beyond the hatred and indifference that has us enslaved in everyday life, there must be a desire surrendered. A heart must be inconvenienced.

And I have come too far to throw it all away...for the sake of my own self-preservation.

Trial by Fire.

I've had many things test my faith over the past few years:

Financial need.

Academics.

Family schisms.
However, none of of these has managed to scorch my heart cleaner than my current friendship...with a man that I love.

It has been almost 5 months since we agreed to go on a "break", and I have missed him more during these months than I did when we were separated for other extended periods of time. We were close friends with a unique bond before we started dating, and we wanted to maintain that even after the "break" started. Needless to say, there have been rough moments; with the potential to turn into drama. However, the stability of our friendship outweighs the emotional wear-and-tear.

And things got somewhat complicated, involving a mutual friend (a woman) that he shares complex feelings for.

I, being new to this whole situation, stood still. Wanting to continue to be a dependable friend/partner in the Art...even though it was a daily struggle. I was so uncertain about the future, despite our shared desire to get back together. And even when I completely Let Go of my hope for the future, something comes to my attention that makes me question even the validity of our friendship. I want very much to trust him as much as I did, but this just doesn't involve him and I [anymore], and his unsure heart makes me wonder if this is worth fighting for.

...and I feel something flinch deep inside of me when I ponder on that fear. Because I love him more than I thought I would, and it has grown in these past 5 months. I've tried to picture a happiness without him, but didn't want to. And being "just friends" with him has scorched me; hard and tender places, alike.

The lyrics from Maxwell's "Pretty Wings" comes to mind....

"Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love ya
I hope you feel the same. "

At the end of the day, he's my closest friend. And I love him.

It's all I know.

Nothing else survived in the fire...

And One Thing Will Lead to Another...

God help me...It just dawned on me that the summer is half-way over.

Meaning August is fast approaching.

Which is when he and I will return to Liberty for our first year of graduate school...where we will be in the same classes, roll in the same circles, and see each other quite often.

He may have a car this year, so there will probably be more opportunities to hang out alone.

Meaning that we will have more adventures together.

We'll share more inside jokes and discover newness everyday.

And he will make me laugh until tears and will grow closer to my heart.

We will write more & perform poetry together...and talk about writing our book.

Meaning that we will begin to do the things that we've always pictured ourselves doing...together.

And I will grow up next to him.

Meaning that I will focus my heart on no one but him. The smiles and eyes of others will become eternally dead to me.

My hopes will fly higher. My love for him will mature and grow more stubborn.

And one thing will lead to another...

And it will be harder to let him go, if I ever have to...

How I Feel...

.....

Itch.

I'm experiencing an itch

on that part of my back that I can't reach...

I'm especially affectionate at the moment.
I want to snuggle next to another's mind.
Lay naked next to someone's thoughts that are just as bare.
However, I'm not afforded this luxury.
Taking deep breaths,
I remember that I cannot be led by it.
Though I could intentionally seek out a man of whom to spend all of this pent up emotional energy on...
...it would be unfair.
An injustice committed to all involved.

...because none of them...are him.

The him that I really want.

The mind that I desire.

The warmth that I miss.

To My Sis-stars (Original Piece by N.Steven)

The Underground: To My Sis-stars


Location: Liberty University (My Alma Mater)
Poet: N.Steven (My Homie/Partner in Rhymes -- haha)


Click here if you would like to read more from N.Steven. (Quick plug -- He's got three books out, including "Just Some Stuff I Wrote Down", which debuted this past spring.)

Shout out to N.Steven. Much Love.
Enjoy!!!!