Let it Go.

I've figured out that the worst thing I can do for any circumstance or issue in my life, is to try and fix it myself. Normally, I'll go through a trecherous cycle of:

Step 1: Analyzing it
Step 2: Mapping out possible results
Step 2b: Rehashing on the worse-case-scenario
Step 3: Worrying
Step 4: Asking people not involved to pray for me
Step 5: Acting based on my certainty of the issue's outcome
It usually goes like this. But I usually either overthink it, or mess the whole thing up by the time I get to Step #5. And it's odd because I know that there's a better way.

Especially in relationships. There is a certain level of control that I'd like to maintain if I am going to be in a relationship with a guy. I'll exercise the tendency to keep a close eye on where the relationship is headed...and if need be, steer it myself. I don't let heartache catch me off guard.

But my current love is completely different. I am involved in the most unique "friendlationship" of my whole life. [I use "friendlationship" because we're on a break...if you're a follower of my blog then you're already aware of this.] We are colleagues in an art (Spoken word/poetry) that is becoming like a campus ministry, we graduated with the same major, we have the same passions and pursuits in life, etc. When I realized that I loved him...my mind dashed to the alter. Today, we are close friends concentrating on our individual lives; away from the daily distractions that being in a serious relationship can bring.

Whenever I feel myself becoming too occupied with the state of this friendship...I can feel God reminding me to give it to Him. Step #4 involves me asking for others to pray for me, but I usually don't need prayer -- simply the strength to obey. It's like He has to consistantly pry my firm grip off of this beautifully wrapped box labeled "The Future". (God has taught me patience in these 4 months.)

I've recently had to deal with some issues about me, the guy, and another girl that is closer to him than I'd like. I'd become unsure about how she really feels about him, and that made me uneasy. So, after being backed into an emotional corner early yesterday, I finally said,

"Okay, Lord. I give up. I'm letting it go..."

About 8 hours later: I recieved a text from the boy (he's away working at a summer camp); telling me exactly what I needed to hear. The fear that was I trying to maneuver myself; went away.

And it happened when I decided to let it go.

Be.Still. (Part Four -- Weariness)

Worse than a lazy man, is a weary one who has lost motivation.
Many times I have confused the two...
I've looked at a homeless man sitting on the side of the road and jumped to the conclusion that this must be a man who would rather someone else do his work for him. But that may not be the case...
...what if, in fact, this is a broken man? Who at one point ran the race with endurance, but then somehow got weary and gave up?

Now, I look into the eyes of that homeless man and I'm suddenly struck with empathy.
How close am I to matching his demeanor/mindset?

I am tired.
Well-rested, nourished, and active,
but weary. Running full speed on a full stomach and an empty tank.
I have not lost heart....because it has been trained though years of experiencing trials, but my MIND is revolting against me.

There is SO MUCH to think about, consider, worry over, plan, configure, and engage into.

...with 24 days until graduation, four months until graduate school, and a million other deadlines in between, I hear these words echoing inside my head:

"I don't know how much more I can take".

If I'm not engrossed in academic pursuits, then I am mulling over summer plans and money woes. Or the billion details concerning being an RA again next year. Or thinking about my mother's health/recovery. Or people that I need to meet and talk to. Or the state of my friendships. Etc. I try to pray over the clamor, but they all rush back into place once I utter "Amen". Why? Because no one else should carry my load but me. Right?

My arms and legs, though ripped from bearing my responsibilities, are fatigued and failing me.
I feel pieces of my academics slipping out from their neatly-arranged places; falling to the ground. Bit by bit, my well-guarded thought life drifts out of its alignment; no longer a safe haven.
Hope, piece by piece, slips away and shatters to the ground.

Just as I am about to completely give way, I drop to my knees and lay each burden. Every responsibility. All of my concerns, worries, and obligations. And lay them at the feet of Jesus.
I do not move, save the quivering of my shoulders as I weep from exhaustion.
Without one word spoken, I am swept up into the arms of my Savior. Closer to Him than I've been in a while. Close enough to see the scars on His hands and the stripes on His upper back and shoulders. The empathy in His eyes.

Weariness taught me something:
....when I am weak, He is strong. Christ bore it all. All of it. So He's strong enough. He really is enough.

I Just. Lost. Everything.

Job 1:20

“Job got to his feet, ripped his robe, shaved his head, then fell to the ground and worshipped.”


The act of Surrender is easy concerning the future. We will allow God, in all of His Sovereignty, to handle the “soon to be”. Yet we still look to have complete control over that which is the “here and now”. We silently force the hand of God away from what that same Hand has so mercifully given unto us. As if to say “Don’t worry God, I can handle this. I can take it from here.” But how deceived we are. We have no more strength inside to inhale our next breath, much less govern our lives, without the provision of God. We will thank Him for his blessings, yet won’t lay them at His feet in worship and adoration.

We start to need Him less and less. Gradually. Well-to-do Christians, but spoiled and self-indulgent.

We end up like Job. With the whole world at our beckon call, but with only a subtle amount of faith.

Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that what we possess is secure. That we aren’t in danger of losing everything. God has our best interest at heart, but He is no good luck charm. He commands that we yearn for Him above all else. And there is no better way to understand Job’s dilemma than to endure something similar.

The Death of a Dream, perhaps.

God has given me dreams, ambitions, and talents, but even those, I must commit back to Him in service and worship. Release my firm, selfish grip off of those things; even if God says they are for me. I can even pray for the health or safety of loved ones, but even they should never come closer to my heart than God. Let them go, and desperately grab a hold to Him. Him only. If I am consistently in the presence of He who holds all things in His hands, then I am sure to never lack.

If God wills that I lose all I have. Up to my own life, even, then I will count it all gain for Christ. I used to think that this meant that I couldn’t truly care for anything else. Not so. My love and need for Him overflows into every area of my existence. I am a better daughter. A better student. A better friend. A better girlfriend.

All because God showed me that everything He has allotted to me is fragile. Able to be taken away at any moment. In many ways, all of my dreams have died. Just like Job’s. It hasn’t happened physically, but in my heart: I lost everything.

I wasn’t able to afford school, so I got kicked out.
I ended an important relationship.
My family fell a part at the seams.
My parents and I become financially destitute.
I lost my love for writing.

All of it: gone.

The certainty of some of these things hanged in the balance. The fear of their coming to be weighed heavy on my shoulders. So heavy, that my soul hurt as if I had really lost all that I hold precious.

I mean, I might as well have.


And in losing everything, I gained everything.

Instead of begrudging my Father, I did like Job did:

Job 1:20

“Job got to his feet, ripped his robe, shaved his head, then fell to the ground and worshipped.”

In an ongoing act of worship, I believed in the plan of God for my life. That if my greatest fears ends up being what He has for me: then He is STILL worthy of every ounce of praise that my weak, frail body can give Him. Yea, though He slay me; yet will I trust Him, the scripture says.

Then something miraculous happened. God gave it all back to me.

Not only all that I had lost, but a surplus. And the blessings are still coming.

But this time, instead of focusing my eyes on what God has given me, I bow my head in reverence, kneeling, and place those blessings at His feet.

After all, He’s all I ever really wanted….


Beloved, God holds the universe in His hands. Whatever you need, He's got for you.

But, this year, let's try something different. Let's ask, above all else, for one thing:

HIM.

period.