Grown, Part 2: Heart

I spent most of my "girl-hood" stuck in a perpetual state of playing house. Only brave enough to muse over my dreams and desires for love. As a girl, I never considered what I needed to become as those dreams and desires transitioned into reality. I wanted Love, and I thought that I would be in a state of life-long bliss and inner fulfillment once it arrived. That little girl forgot about the sort of heart needed in order to catch, keep, and cultivate Love.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

As a girl in relationships, I gave my heart without question. I prematurely opened myself to the great ideal I worshiped. I caught a hint of potential and attempted to form it with my own tiny hands into what I thought I wanted. I was blind to the fact that what I needed was unlike anything I'd seen on TV or even in my own house. It was a craving for a unique Love that I knew well but was also estranged to. Once I realized that limited, earthly affection was never meant to fulfill that need, I was able to conclude what the heart (with all of its desires) was created for.

Imagine suffering such great disappointment on a consistent basis; serving as a reminder that you will never be loved like you desired. Looking all around for the source of True Love that didn't seem to want to be found. Suddenly, you look inside and notice that you had the Source all along. He was the Comforter that held you close as your heart broke for the thousandth time. He felt every sting of rejection and disapproval you've ever felt. He compassionately dried every tear, and waited patiently while suffering through the greatest Unrequited Love story that has ever taken place.

Christ waited for me to see that He is my Source, and that my heart was His home. I was to guard that dwelling place because giving it to those undeserving would be abandoning my First Love. Trading in gold for a clump of dirt. It isn't until the day that I exchange my heart with another that I can free my heart. And I have to keep preparing myself for that day, because it could be closer than I think.
I mean, I am grown after all....

Grown, Part 1: Head

My imagination can tend to run away from me at times. One iota of evidence, mixed with an already existing tendency towards distrust, can paint a clear picture prematurely. It wasn't until recently that I realized how this way of thinking was sabotaging my life. The wisest woman I know, my mother, used to always tell me, "Believe little of what you hear, and even less of what you see."

Little girls are led away by their pre-existing notions which are usually made concrete by prototypes of the past. It takes a grown woman to recognize that the more life you experience, the less typical life seems to be. I'm beginning to understand that. My defense mechanisms & victim mentality will only aid in keeping me trapped in a self-fulfilling prophecy that I will always stop short of fulfillment. In a constant cycle of disappointment, and with a strong inability to see joy in each breath and sunrise.

The inner corridors of my head are where this battle rages daily. But, I have become more victorious lately. There are far too many dreams and desires close enough within my grasp to continue to nurse wounds that have already scabbed over. After all, I am grown now.

Grown. [Intro]

24 years. 3 months. And 10 days.

......

Wants & Needs

Wants

• My computer fixed/External Hard Drive
  
• A real bomb pair of skinny jeans
• Bling :)
• Sharing the stage with Phonte of The Foreign Exchange
• Jill Scott concert tickets
• Attend a guest lecture from Nikki Giovanni/ or Maya Angelou
• Discovery of another indie music gem
  

Needs

• Peace concerning trouble getting pregnant with my future husband
• Grace to do it right this time
• Clarity & Direction for future plans
• To be hidden away in the arms of Christ
• More adventures with my best friend
  

How I Feel.

...Life is chaos. Be back soon...

Maxwell's cover of MJ's "Lady in My Life"

Thanks to Ms. Jonesin Eb for this one...

Thanksgiving.

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Special thanks to Maxine the Nissan Maxima, the George family, and the "great" state of NJ for a wonderful 8 days.

Smile. Thanksgiving Break is Here :)

Bad quality video. Still funny tho. :)

How I Feel (Lyrics Version)

I've come through many hard trials
Through temptations on every hand
Though Satan's tried to stop me
And to place my feet on sinking sand
Through the pain and all of my sorrows
Through the tears and all of my fears
The Lord was there to keep me
For He's kept me in the midst of it all

Not because I've been so faithful
Not Because I've always obeyed
Noo, It's not because I trust him
To be with me all of the way
But it's because He loves me so dearly
He was there to answer my call
He was there always to protect me
For He's kept me in the midst of it all

--From "In the Midst of it All" Yolanda Adams

As Always....He is the Last Thing I Think of...

It's something about that initial contact.

That moment.
I mean, we exist a part from each others sights consistently.
It could be days before we are next to each other, and that doesn't make me question whether or not I am on his mind...Like he is on mine...
I don't wonder if the love is fading, because I feel that the exact opposite is true.

Still.
It's something about that first hug. The "hello" in his hand grabbing mine.
The second his fingertips graze my cheek.
I anticipate the electricity but am still caught off guard at the point of impact.
Sometimes, I want to go through intentional bouts of long distant agony, so that I experience his touch at maximum strength.

It's love.
I know.
But in that moment, it's as if I've always known...but not quite enough.
I missed a detail. A hidden, minuscule portion of the obvious.
That contact overwhelms my awareness.
And if doubt could ever manage it's way into my heart, it could never be then.
In that moment.
...There's just no room.

Honest Scrap Award.

I have had the supreme pleasure of coming across some of the greatest minds in the blog-o-sphere. And I believe that when you receive some form of recognition, you should share the spotlight with those who have contributed to your gift. And since I've so graciously received the Honest Scrap Award, I want to pass it along to those whose blogs consistently inspire and move me.

The honest scrap award rules:
1. Present the award to seven bloggers whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design or who have encouraged you.
2. Tell those seven people that you have given them the Honest Scrap Award.
3. Share ten honest things about yourself.

I Nominate (Click to go to the blog) :

• I Wrote This For You
• Love Becomes Her
• Minus the Bars
• she's so flyy
• Black Woman Lost & Found
• .The Socialight Times.
• [R]Evolution...

10 Honest Things 'bout Me:
1. I love being Southern. Wouldn't trade it for any other geographic affiliation in our nation.
2. I'm supressing baby/family fever. My COUN 502 course is NOT helping me win this battle.... (I've spent the last 2 months raising a Virtual Child as part of this course's project. Um. Yeah.)
3. I hate politics. It's a shame that people who don't hold my same morals can teach those who do a thing or two about civility and tolerance.
4. I am surrounded by opportunities to force friendships. And I can't do it anymore. I'm sick of pretending that I have connections with people that I just don't. And that makes me sad....
5. I spend many moments of the day reminding myself that I am okay just the way that I am. I take up too much of my time actively trying to evolve/grow, but it's when I completely let go, that I forget what I lack; unconsciously trusting that it's God that adds to my heart daily.
6. I love writing. (Duh....but. Really. I do.)
7. I don't know why Jesus loved me enough to die for me. Or why He still loves me. Or why He promises to love me always. But whatever the answer is...it is, by far, the hope of my life.
8. The more I'm extremely picky about what music I listen to/buy/download, the more gems I find. (I.e. The Foreign Exchange)
9. I'm starting to loathe the whole gift part of Christmas. I don't want a thing this year.
10. I love my momma. There's no one else I look up to more.

Shabazz. Palaces.

Shabazz Palaces - "Belhaven Meridian" [OFFICIAL] from Kahlil Joseph on Vimeo.

This video was shot in ONE take, FYI. Not to mention the track is dope.
[Found on Soulbounce.com.]

In Memory of the Unborn.

Untitled (Haiku)
4-18-07

women silently
giving birth to corpses. Who
will speak for the dead?

Ugly. (Part 2...before Part 1)

I carry a beauty inside that I do not understand.

I have never thought of myself as an especially attractive person, but I do see a beauty when I look into my own reflection. I see beauty in most things, actually. There is beauty in the embrace of two enemies. In the giggle of a carefree child. In the random, purposeful flight pattern of a butterfly. Even in the surprising crescendo of melody during the bridge of a song. It’s as if a surge of emotion comes from a hidden place inside of you, and for a moment, you connect with God’s original design. Sometimes, I’ll want to stay and linger, because it feels like I am literally walking through the Garden with Him. It feels familiar; like I am back in a place where I am welcome. Home.

I tend to hide in the background.

Even though I stand at an even six feet, I am most comfortable preparing others for their individual callings for greatness. I’ve had moments where I’ve witnessed God’s light within my own soul. However, I try my best to shy away from it after a while, because I do not want to get contented with the idea that God wants to dwell permanently within me. I understand that for salvation and righteousness purposes, God wants to set up his dominion. He wishes to have complete Lordship over my heart, and to this, I gladly comply. Still, I am uneasy with the fact that He not only wants to own me, but He wants to live in and through me.

A landlord is not required to live in the same apartment complex as his tenants, but a good landlord will commit to the well-being of those who live there. The landlord who lives among his tenants wishes to be readily available to them. I will never understand why Christ saved my soul, only to set up a gorgeous palace in the center of its ruins, and then rest there.

He is my beauty.
He’s the beauty that I do not understand.
...That I am scared to death to live without...

Out In the Cold.

Love subjects you to the worse kinds of treatment. It is literally a call to submit one's will to that of another. That may mean forgiving an offense quickly. Biting your tongue when misunderstood. Embrace when you're not ready to. Love never looks out for itself...it is constantly, intentionally self-less.

Easier said than done.

Oh, it's quite easy to give your last dime when you don't have any issues standing in the way of you and the person in need. It's pretty effortless to give Love in the middle of June, on a gorgeous beach...as you and your baby stretch out next to one another; picking out clouds and deciphering their shapes.

Sure.

But, to me, Love is the dead of winter. Two embittered people stung by circumstance and hovering together underneath one umbrella...Meanwhile the harsh cold winds blow and the stinging snow comes down unmercifully. There is a chance for survival, because they are in it together. There will be times where the other person will slow his/her pace. Or get weary. And will need encouragement and a strong arm to hold them up. Soon, it may be your own feet that drag from the journey in the cold. Love knows that it will die without exercise or freedom of movement. So, in the cold it moves as much as it possibly can...

But what if there's only one person? A solitary soul...out in the cold.

"...if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?"
--Ecclesiastes 4:11

What happens to a person that has no other to keep him/her warm? To aid him/her along in the journey? Always possessing the Source/Creator of Love, but having no one to exercise Love to? Or having a body to keep warm, but receiving no warmth themselves in return? How does a heart survive without true empathy, selflessness, and kindness?

How long will that soul travel the streets before someone stops to join him/her?

Simple Truth.

I can be irrational and difficult.
Moody and over-analytical.
Guide issues of the heart with the logic in my head.
Sometimes I will use too many seconds doubting and not enough of them noticing the way he looks at me.
But simply....still...he loves me.
And the feeling is completely and utterly...
Mutual.

Love Musings.

1. It isn't until he sees her laugh at another guy's joke, or say hello to him while making direct eye contact, that he considers maybe bachelorhood wasn't as wonderful as he thought. For a second, he thinks that possibly...he had it good for a little while.

2. Single people long to be in a relationship. Married people secretly wish for their single or courtship days. Widowers mourn over lost lovers. It's a harsh reality: love is hard.

3. I am amazed at how discontent we are with one another's humanity in relationships. Truthfully, everyone wants someone that they can rest their hat and coat with. To be faced with their plain face, morning breath, and grumpy moods...and still consider them worth keeping around.

4. Speaking of plain faces: I make it a habit of not wearing make-up regularly when dating a guy. Simply because I want him to make sure he sees what he's getting.

5. Anyone deciding to chase after love must be prepared to endure a triathlon. Love tends to involve various disciplines and demands eclectic skill. It isn't just running for great distances, but a trek across land and sea.

6. I still wonder what he is thinking when he looks at me....

7. "Love at first sight"....but what about Mothers and unborn babies? Love transcends sight, I think.

How I Feel (Music Version).

Hallelujah.

No Longer a Bridesmaid...

I loved to play dress up as a little girl.

I can picture myself placing my tiny feet into my mother’s high heels, draping her long dresses over my small body, and pretending that I was a kind mother or a strong wife. My favorite character to play dress up in was a bride on her wedding day. I clearly recall my mother pulling out her wedding dress from the back of her closet; carefully removing it from its clear, plastic bag and smoothing out the impressed wrinkles. She would gaze retrospectively at the dress; recalling how she felt on that day. I have had many talks with her, as well as many young women, about my anticipation towards wearing this special garment myself one day. No matter my relationship status, I possess a secret desire to don this piece of clothing that represents honor, beauty, and grace.

I’m surrounded by a culture that marries young, and I have yet to make significant strides towards that walk down the aisle. Somewhere around the entrance of my 24th birthday, I began to get slightly depressed about how distant I am from getting married. I talk frequently with 21 and 22 year olds who have recently tied the knot, and they (though enduring their share of problems that come along with getting married young) seem to be so grounded in their Love for one another. A part of me feels like I haven’t earned this privilege yet; the privilege of being committed to. That despite the hardships that are promised with being in Love, I haven’t arrived at the level to where I can wear that beautiful wedding dress and declare that I have someone who wants to Love me unconditionally. I can only be one of the bridesmaids; those who can celebrate and advocate for Love, but cannot relate to the demonstration taking place between the Groom and his Bride.

Participating in the celebration, but unable to take ownership of this Love.

Revelation 19:7-8 (English Standard Version)
7Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;
8it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

I have been so enamored by the timing that I will wear a physical wedding dress, that I have forgotten that I am already clothed. I am adorned in my spirit with grace, beauty, and honor through His salvation and holiness. My spiritual linens are pure and white, and every day my heart is being prepared for the day that He (my Groom) will return for me. Each moment that I commune with Him, I am reminded that before any man decides to declare his lifelong Love to me, I already hold the promise to “Love, honor, and protect” from God. Eternally. He has always loved me. He is my First Love. I am already a Bride….His. There is no “until death, do us part” in my Groom and I’s vows.

I am His now, and for always.

"How I Got Over". The Roots.

The Roots - How I Got Over (Directed by BBGUN) from bbgun on Vimeo.

Living in the Moment.

It was one of those rare instances where I didn’t feel pressured to contribute something clever to the moment. It was during one of my many required meetings as a Resident Assistant. I sat on my bed across from my roommate & partner. Scattered across our room were the other student leaders; excitedly involved in other many random conversations. We were attempting to get through important announcements; which is usually difficult for my girls because we see every gathering as an opportunity for fellowship. More pleasure than business, you would say.

I was especially tired. Had this been a regular Sunday night, with an overworked weekend behind me and a busy week looming ahead, I would have been short on patience. Like I said, I was tired. Funny thing is, is that it was a regular Sunday night, but my attitude was significantly different.

My thoughtful gaze scanned the room. I took in each smile and burst of laughter. I noticed their emotions and sense of camaraderie they shared with each other. We had an agenda set, and we had pertinent information to go over, but all I could do was smile. Interestingly enough, I glanced upwards and met eyes with my roommate, who looked as though she shared my thoughts. We grinned at each other, and she softly shook her head.

I’m thankful for the moments where God turns my face towards His; where He gently reminds me to enjoy the present moment He’s given me. I am 24 years old, and already I am so easily swept away in using future tense. The second that I stare too long at the distant horizon, I feel life speed up, and there is a bit of joy that I’ve missed.

I’m too blessed to ignore what’s in front of me. The grace above me. The power within me. And the Love surrounding me. It’s only in the times where I am still that I realize that I have so much to be thankful for.

I think I’ll take a second longer to smell these roses. Life is beautiful, and in abundance...

7 Months.19 days.13 hours.

I've reasoned around it, armed my heart with logic and understanding, and convinced myself countless times that our break from each other is healthy. Needed.
But I've sat and surveyed the past 7 months, 19 days, and 13 hours, and I've tried to make sense of a couple things:

• Most things between us stayed the same, relationally.
• Every time I bring up our relationship, you get tense and/or frustrated.
• The night I attempted to discard all ties from you, you became distraught.
  
• My love for you has grown since the day we decided to take a break.
• Why exactly you continually need a break.
• You're aware that you're hurting me, and yet you still do it.
  

In the event that we do get back together, what happens then?
We can change our FB status back to "In a relationship"....but, what else? We won't hang out more often than we do now....my heart will still thump ferociously when you appear...my mind will still go to the moon when you hug me or touch me.

What am I doing?
What should I do?

Just....just say it, already...

I don't think he knows that I'm speaking the same phrase to him.
Repeatedly. The last time more emphatically than the one before.
Every. thing. that I do....repeats that phrase to him: The way I smile extra wide when he's around...to let him know that I am happier in the moment. How quickly I give. And give. And give. And receive when he manages to give. The way I glance in his direction & hold it there until I catch his eyes. The way I lower my guard. and my walls...leaving myself defenseless. How I convince my heart that everything will be okay, that the day will come when I can love you completely and it will be okay... And that it's somehow honorable to be foolish when you love someone. The way I remind myself that you aren't running from me....right?

"I love you."

How I Feel....

A Girl Can Dream...

I wished my world was made up of only My Lord, Poetry, Love, and him.
To walk in the garden again with God; know Him without getting in my own way.
Write with clarity and vulnerability, and Love giving no thought to consequence.
To have him at my side and adjoined to his heart always, without fear or pretense.

Love, Chasity, & Prudence. (Intro?)

"What is my love for him founded on?"

I asked myself this question while deep in prayer. Realizing that I'm in a critical place in life, and that I cannot afford to drag around dysfunction disguised as Love. I was ready to let you go.

One look, would give me the answer. So, once the service was over, I looked at you; softly requesting you to pray for me. Your reaction caused a million thoughts, wildly varied but topically centered, to rush through my mind:

"If he never touched me again, the kindness in his eyes would provide ample warmth and affection. If I forget what his lips feel like, my spirit is content with the genuineness tucked underneath each of his words. I would neglect my body forever if it meant that I could [one day] live in his heart."

FE is the Truth. Period.

We've Come So Far, but have So Far To Go.

I have loved the same guy for over 2 1/2 years. He's been my friend for over 3 1/2. It was a short time before I fell in love with him, that he was my Best friend. In the span of 18 months, we aimed and shot emphatically at each others hearts....pacing at the speed of light. Passion and emotion, mixed with a deeply poetic connection and Spiritual accord to boot, and you have a duo that became almost infamous among our circle of friends.

Life did what it's known to do. It proved to be bigger than we could handle with our overeager hands. The title became too much of a weight to carry. And the future, with all of its expectations and hope, took his breath away. Thus, the status became "complicated".

After almost 7 months of being "just friends", there's still a glow growing between us that we can't seem to smother. Close friends of ours watch closely to see if we'll eventually disintegrate like most in the same scenario do. The title has been stripped; resting on a strategically placed mantel...hidden away. But, laughter and camaraderie still exists as strongly as it ever did. Granted, it took some work to get there...but we're still here. Still friends.

I look back at the path we've taken to get to this spot, and it's littered with debris from all that we've endured at one another's side. And then I squint my eyes at the trail extended before he and I. It's straight and narrow, yet wide enough for two pairs of feet. And it seems to stretch for miles.....

How I Feel...

Final Thoughts for Tonight...

Who is this voice telling me not to trust him?
...dear God, I hope he doesn't hurt me...

Court Jester.

I'm very good at making myself look like a fool for him. Since enduring the Great Hurt in high school, I promised myself that I would never conduct heart matters without a heavy amount of dignity. Now, all of my mature intentions have gone completely out of the window. I am utterly devoid of "cool points". And I could care less.

Even though I can feel my inner feminist cringe and flinch whenever I smile insanely at a text from him, look at his picture for the millionth time, or jump at the sound of his ring-tone, the romantic little girl in me comes out of hiding. Each day, I experience the same blended emotion:
gratefulness because of our friendship, and fear of losing his love forever. I live in the moment, emphatically....times 4. Because not only am I purposefully NOT thinking about getting back together, I am so thankful for every second and moment I get to spend with him.

I'm constantly in the mode of making a memory. I take longer looks into his eyes. Wrap my arms around his neck for a second more. I listen intently like a friend would, but at the same time...I am paying special attention to the light in his eyes when he discusses certain topics. I memorize the moments his dimples fade and reappear. The rise and fall of his smile when he's trying to hide a thought. I listen. More than he realizes.

I express purpose in my speech...so that he never misunderstands that I am appreciating every moment. And that is so foolish of me.

Because he doesn't need all of that, does he?
He doesn't need such attention or sincerity...

...rather a warm body at night, that is gone by daybreak.
Or an open, willing heart with no strings attached.
And I am a fool...because I would give it.

My Life According to [Jill Scott]

I adore this woman.
Her outlook on life, love, pain, and triumph speak to me.
I love the way she performs. How she professes to be a poet before a singer.
I appreciate how well she blends sophistication and unkempt passion.
Rage and Melancholy. Beauty and Humanity. God and the rest of us.

I copped this idea from N.Steven . The rules are: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)"

Pick Your Artist:
Jilly from Philly (BKA: Jill Scott)

Are you a male or female?
Fatback Taffy (ha!)

Describe yourself:
Can't Explain

How do you feel:
Talk to Me

Describe where you currently live:
Celibacy Blues

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
The Rain

Your favorite form of transportation:
A Long Walk Home

Your best friend is:
My Love

Your favorite color is:
Golden

What's the weather like:
Love Rain

Favorite time of the day:
8 Minutes to Sunrise

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called:
Slowly Surely

What is life to you:
Not Like Crazy

Your relationships:
I Keep/Still Here

Your fear:
Gettin in the Way

What is the best advice you have to give:
Easy Conversation

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Honey Molasses

Thought for the Day:
Wanna Be Loved

How I would like to die:
God Bless the Child

My soul's present condition:
Let it Be

My Motto:
The Fact Is (I Need You)

How I Feel...

Today.

I'd waited for over 3 months to see him. My very best friend.
I didn't know what I would do the moment my eyes met his. I didn't care, really.
I just wanted him near. Have him smile at me and playfully grab me into his arms.

Six months ago I wouldn't want to settle for just that. I'd want more.
But today...felt different. [Those desires are still alive, mind you. Hidden, but alive.]
It felt different because of how slowly each moment passed. It's like I watched his every move...in slow motion. Noticing things that I'd normally miss:
His posture.
The subtle mix of expectancy and purpose in his eyes.
The reflection and wiser introspection in his speech.

At some point Today, I thought, "My gosh. My best friend has grown. "
And it thrilled me in a way that I really can't explain.
He's always made me curious...but Today, I watched him so very closely.
I will dare to say that I was intrigued.
He is the same person, but sharper and amplified. I began to thank God because it was so evident that the summer has been good to both of us. Naturally, I am expectant. But in a calm way. Knowing that the best method doesn't involve either of our pairs of hands.

Upon my initiation, we slightly reenacted a fond memory of ours.
Our conversation, though brief, reminded me of how much I cherish him.
...and how much I....love him.

Forget relationship titles/status for a moment...being in the arms of a friend is more than I can ask for.

I'll let God take care of the technicalities....

Grad School, Here I Come...

My Heart Benches About 350...

I'm known to be a slow gravitator towards retaliation. Even as a teenager, I can count on my hands the number of times that I actively sought revenge. Not that I've never wanted to hurt someone who hurt me...but I think that I have always feared what it would be like to hold vengance in my heart for too long. Long enough where it would change me...

This has not kept me from getting hurt, mind you. Sometimes I feel that my pain is more severe than others. The blow of disappointment and betrayal sharper because I choose not to deflect it by blaming others or focusing on revenge.

I've been told that I am too sensitive.

And that my heart is too big for my own good.

That I take to heart things that the average person would shrug off easily.

All are correct....

But, in doing much soul searching, I've come to realize that I actually....like...this part of me.

Though it curses me to exist with a wide open heart; increasingly susceptible to hurt...I have been given a Strength that girds my heart with armor. The unpentrable nature shows on the inside rather than permeates the outside...like most hearts seem to be.

I'm not of the weak, naive, or ignorant.

I look at pictures of old loves with new loves and can smile.

Shake the hands of those who used them once to do me harm.

And strive to live peaceably with all men.

Each time I extend an embrace. Take notice, but Forgive a personal grievance.

Consider my own short-comings before estimating another's character.

And plead with a fair-weather friend for restoration.

I feel my heart getting stronger.

Bigger....but stronger.

30. [For Michael]

August 1.

You would be 30 years old today.

And though you are basking in eternal light,

I want to take a moment to celebrate the life

God saw fit to share with me. With all of us.

You are still missed.

Happy Birthday.

Love always,

Your little sister

How I Feel...

"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain."

-CS Lewis

Closed Doors, Slammed Shut.

For the past 5 years, I have attempted the impossible:

Gaining closure from a guy that I loved for the majority of my adolescence.

This guy was perfection in my eyes, not to mention the eyes of 1 out of ever 4 females in my high school. I was among the crowd of admirers that attended all of his JV and Varsity basketall games, and changed my regular route to Chemistry, English, and Home Ec. class so that I could conveniently pass by his locker. I wasn't brave like most who wore certain halter tops and batted their eyelashes when he swaggered by...until I was 16 I was a flat-chested tomboy who wore ponytails and T-shirts regularly. However, I did get more face time with him...

...because we attended the same church and our families were close friends.

You would say that I had a certain advantage.

And for about a year or so, I sort of did.

By the summer before my Senior year in high school, my appearance had evolved (as nature called for it). To my peers, I'd somewhat shed off my tomboyish persona, and traded in my basketball shorts and sneakers for a Choir dress and heels. I saw him at every sporting event because I sang the national anthem. I performed at the school talent show my Senior year (India Arie's "I Am Ready for Love" actually....I still don't know how I managed the gall to sing in front of all those people...).

At a church youth service, he found out that I liked him. And that started a series of dramatic events that would entrap my heart for the next couple of years.

We both knew the type of guy he was(is?). He, in his own way, warned me even. Warned me not to get involved. He wooed me and dangled himself in front of me, but dared me to stay away. I didn't stand a chance. The whole "save yourself" speech only placed the last nail in my emotional coffin. And once I made the first bold step towards him, he took my hand and showed me what it really means to be "played".

Those close to him would rise to his defense and cast the blame onto me; telling me that I shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. In a way, they're exactly right. However, I think the only thing I was guilty of, is loving someone who did not deserve, nor was ready, to be loved unconditionally.

Recently, I've tried to make amends of what happened between us years ago.

I reached out.

Why? I have questions that I want answered. I have moved on, undoubtedly, but I promised myself that if I were ever offered the opportunity to talk to him again: I would take it.

It became messy for a few days...and it ended up involving other people who began to misunderstand where I was coming from.

I, however, understand one thing very clearly:

He could care less about how I feel, or what I have to say.

So, instead of continuing to be the pursuer like I did as a teenager, I'm going to take this as my exit cue.

...and instead of quietly closing this door, I'm going to slam it shut...

So that the abrupt noise that follows will serve as a reminder to all who are listening (and even he who isn't) that I am finally gone.

HawthoRNe.

I recently read an online review in the NY Times for TNT's newest television show: HawthoRNe. It began with: "TNT caters to difficult women." The review largely emphasizes the cliche' role of Jada Pinkett Smith's Christina Hawthorne. A stark contrast to Showtime's newest "Nurse Jackie", this show is mainly (according to the NY Times) "weighed down in the pursuit of worthIness".

I have watched this show since it debuted a few weeks ago, and I really enjoy it. It has the potential to be a one-lady show. A shining tribute to its main character, and even its star/executive producer: Jada Pinkett Smith. However, there are so many special things about this show that cannot be ignored.

1. The storyline.

Like most great tv dramas, the plot must be vast but short to explain. It must be gripping enough to make each show good, but not have the shows too connected, so that new viewers that arrive mid-season, or faithful ones that miss an episode, can still enjoy. I love that each episode has a special problem & issue to tackle. I guess I'm just a sucker for a good hospital drama.

2. The integrity of medicine.

This is where most hospital dramas get it wrong. I'm not saying that you must confuse the average person with medicinal/pharmacological jargon the entire episode, but most of the audience will be able to concur if this show isnt committing technical malpractice. It makes a difference.

3. Mostly wholesome & positive messages.

I couldn't get into "Gray's Anatomy". I like my occasional steamy, soap-operalike entertainment as much as the next person. But I can watch MTV's Real World for that. Or One Tree Hill. It seems people don't want positivity on TV as much as we'd like to have it in reality. I believe Art imitates life, and I would NOT want to depend on a medical staff that continuously sneaks off to the supply closet to have a quickie (See "Scrubs"...lol. That show IS hilarious, though.).

4. Great acting by new faces.

I love the acting in this show. Especially the young, black, homeless woman who's now working in the hospital (tiny spoiler if you're new to the show). Jada's character is only as good as her supporting actors, and the show is perfectly well balanced. Though there are a couple one-dimension characters that are in need of attention, I am confident that the show's writers will see to it.

5. Better portrayal of black women.

Call it overdone or cliche if you want, but this can never be overdone. People said that about The Cosby Show, too. (Some blacks may not like it, because her deceased husband was white. )If you want sorrid, gritty depictions of the usual stereotype, watch Comedy Central.

My Jam For the Moment...

Blank Pages (Random Thought)

It's time for the dysfunction to go.

My wings have been strengthened throughout the length of the journey, but I've got my eyes on higher skies. Ready to close some chapters so that the Lord can tackle these blank pages...

Beat of Life...(Random Thought)

At the end of the day, people don't want good music, or truth to convict their living, they just want an ill beat to dance to; numbing them of their problems. People want a sweet distraction, a gorgeous body to cuddle next to, and a string of euphoric moments disguised as peace of mind.

What I Know So Far...

...new things are headed my way. (I.e. Graduate school) So, I wanted to do a bit of reflecting to see what I've learned in this current season I'm in...

1. Forgive, and as quickly as possible.

[I know the size of the hurt can depend on the timing, but I've realized that pain & offense are two different things. Getting your ego bruised and taking a shot to the heart aren't the same. And while healing is needed for pain, an offense needs only to be released.]

2. Practice wisdom with honesty.

[The "honesty" trait is not an excuse to be rude. Hurting someone's feelings should be a risk only when speaking of things that matter (I.e. infedility).]

3. Be real, with yourself first.

[This is harder than it sounds. But it is a prerequisite for being real with others. The more you accept and love yourself, the more likely you are to be transparent and open to others.]

4. Reserve something for yourself.

[This is a struggle for me, because I love to share what I write and give my gifts to bless others. However, it is healthy to have some things (I.e. hobbies) that are for you. Just you.]

5. Practice saying, "I don't know.".

[The more we allow ourselves NOT to know, the better we are, the smaller we feel, and the bigger the size of our dreams and pursuits.]

6. Be Content.

[Why else did those bankers jump off of buildings during the Great Depression of the late 1920's and 30's?]

7. Watch cartoons, regularly.

[Try it...]

8. Read books and write hand-written letters.

[Trust me...]

9. Remember that Love has a definite Source.

[This eliminates worry, desperation, and lonliness in those Valley moments..]

and

10. Get closure where needed & let go of emotional baggage.

My Jam For the Moment...

I own this CD, so I already know I love the song.

But this video...definitely does complement Musiq's beautiful range and laid-back demeanor.

Not to mention his love interest is stunning, classy, and acts down-to-earth.

Which is so nice to see in a music video.

Even with the incredibly long intro. It is worth it.

How I Feel...

"I have learned not to worry about love, but to honor it's coming with all my heart."

Alice Walker

Building My Castle for Two...

I am quietly building. Storing up an internal investment specifically for his heart. Actively waiting for the moment where he will open up his mouth and say to me, "It's you". Momentairly, I will relapse into a state of fear and doubt. I try and remind myself that friendship is more than enough, and that I should be grateful to have him in my life.

"Relax" I whisper to the aching member inside my chest."He won't recognize your emotions as pain. And it will hurt him to be reminded of his temporary selfishness. It is for the best. Let the pain go...just love him."

I expected love to be fair. For it to go right when I felt that it should. But truthfully, love can equate sacrifice. And in order for it to grow wings and soar, beyond the hatred and indifference that has us enslaved in everyday life, there must be a desire surrendered. A heart must be inconvenienced.

And I have come too far to throw it all away...for the sake of my own self-preservation.

Since When? (July Edition)

Since when does sexy equate to indecent, scantly-clothed bodies?

And since when does a female have to have a clan of female friends parading around her [with the occasional dance break] to have a sick-looking video?

Watch Amerie's new video.

It's simple. Artsy and fresh...with a bit of street.

She has vulnerability without trying to be the victim.

And it isn't over-the-top.

I hope Bey's taking notes...

Summing Up the Holiday...

+

+

How I Feel...

peace, peace, peace...

• Sometimes I pause and can sense another facet of my grasped womanhood. It's been happening more and more lately. I'm grateful for that.
• I am another beautiful member of the natural hair movement. 11 months and counting since my last relaxer. :)
• I'm taking a long pause concerning my book. I made the mistake of telling friends it was something I was currently working on...thus, it unknowingly became an expectation that I'm consistantly asked about. That was my mistake.
• Summer sleep is joyous.
• I have finally banned BET....becoming "one of those people".
• I don't care how short Mos Def's tracks are..."The Ecstatic" is still in heavy rotation.
• I've spent the past 5 days talking to my best [guy] friend for at least 4 hours/day. It takes me back to the Summer of '07 when I fell in love with him. Be still my heart.
• I've never laughed so much with my parents before....the older I get, the closer I get to them.
• This summer has allowed me to take a journey back into my past. I've conversed and confronted exes/crushes/temporarys. I'm glad I didn't burn those bridges.
• God is leading me by the hand in this stage of my life. Causing me to breathe deeply and make each step purposeful and emphatic. It is so evident that I'm in transition.
• I'm settling into my adult body. My metabolism isn't what it used to be, but my curved shape, straight back, skin, and eyes are aligned with that of a woman. I smile into my mirror more these days. Definitely.
• I am so ready for graduate school. I hope my professors are ready for me.

The Former or the Latter {Thoughts on Love}

Those that take a chance on love, get hurt more often.

And those with hearts similiar to Stonehenge, are able to preserve themselves.

Their paths to Love are quite different...but if that Love is strong enough, in the end both are able to partake of it. Both hearts are precious; equally desiring of Love.

But fear is always present. One is running from it; the other possessed by it. One would imagine that choosing the former is the best route to finding Love.

However...hearts tend to get weary.

And weary hearts that stop; often are finally subdued by the very fear that they were running from. Oddly enough, giving in to fear isn't tumultuous at first. It's sense of self-preservation is numbing in a blessed sort of way. You're able to take inventory of just how exhausting pursuing something, that seemingly didn't want to be caught, made you.

So, you rest.

Until, that is, you are disrupted by your own desires. Coupled with the bright-eyed hope that made you want Love in the beginning.

Then fear contests.

And a dilemma ensues, once again....

...leaving you with a decision to make:

What sort of person am I going to be?

The Former or the Latter?...

I choose the Former.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” --CS Lewis

Trial by Fire.

I've had many things test my faith over the past few years:

Financial need.

Academics.

Family schisms.
However, none of of these has managed to scorch my heart cleaner than my current friendship...with a man that I love.

It has been almost 5 months since we agreed to go on a "break", and I have missed him more during these months than I did when we were separated for other extended periods of time. We were close friends with a unique bond before we started dating, and we wanted to maintain that even after the "break" started. Needless to say, there have been rough moments; with the potential to turn into drama. However, the stability of our friendship outweighs the emotional wear-and-tear.

And things got somewhat complicated, involving a mutual friend (a woman) that he shares complex feelings for.

I, being new to this whole situation, stood still. Wanting to continue to be a dependable friend/partner in the Art...even though it was a daily struggle. I was so uncertain about the future, despite our shared desire to get back together. And even when I completely Let Go of my hope for the future, something comes to my attention that makes me question even the validity of our friendship. I want very much to trust him as much as I did, but this just doesn't involve him and I [anymore], and his unsure heart makes me wonder if this is worth fighting for.

...and I feel something flinch deep inside of me when I ponder on that fear. Because I love him more than I thought I would, and it has grown in these past 5 months. I've tried to picture a happiness without him, but didn't want to. And being "just friends" with him has scorched me; hard and tender places, alike.

The lyrics from Maxwell's "Pretty Wings" comes to mind....

"Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love ya
I hope you feel the same. "

At the end of the day, he's my closest friend. And I love him.

It's all I know.

Nothing else survived in the fire...

Rest In Peace...

to Michael Jackson.

1958-2009

Forever the King of Pop.

And One Thing Will Lead to Another...

God help me...It just dawned on me that the summer is half-way over.

Meaning August is fast approaching.

Which is when he and I will return to Liberty for our first year of graduate school...where we will be in the same classes, roll in the same circles, and see each other quite often.

He may have a car this year, so there will probably be more opportunities to hang out alone.

Meaning that we will have more adventures together.

We'll share more inside jokes and discover newness everyday.

And he will make me laugh until tears and will grow closer to my heart.

We will write more & perform poetry together...and talk about writing our book.

Meaning that we will begin to do the things that we've always pictured ourselves doing...together.

And I will grow up next to him.

Meaning that I will focus my heart on no one but him. The smiles and eyes of others will become eternally dead to me.

My hopes will fly higher. My love for him will mature and grow more stubborn.

And one thing will lead to another...

And it will be harder to let him go, if I ever have to...

Wise Words.

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."

Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke