For the past 5 years, I have attempted the impossible:
Gaining closure from a guy that I loved for the majority of my adolescence.
This guy was perfection in my eyes, not to mention the eyes of 1 out of ever 4 females in my high school. I was among the crowd of admirers that attended all of his JV and Varsity basketall games, and changed my regular route to Chemistry, English, and Home Ec. class so that I could conveniently pass by his locker. I wasn't brave like most who wore certain halter tops and batted their eyelashes when he swaggered by...until I was 16 I was a flat-chested tomboy who wore ponytails and T-shirts regularly. However, I did get more face time with him...
...because we attended the same church and our families were close friends.
You would say that I had a certain advantage.
And for about a year or so, I sort of did.
By the summer before my Senior year in high school, my appearance had evolved (as nature called for it). To my peers, I'd somewhat shed off my tomboyish persona, and traded in my basketball shorts and sneakers for a Choir dress and heels. I saw him at every sporting event because I sang the national anthem. I performed at the school talent show my Senior year (India Arie's "I Am Ready for Love" actually....I still don't know how I managed the gall to sing in front of all those people...).
At a church youth service, he found out that I liked him. And that started a series of dramatic events that would entrap my heart for the next couple of years.
We both knew the type of guy he was(is?). He, in his own way, warned me even. Warned me not to get involved. He wooed me and dangled himself in front of me, but dared me to stay away. I didn't stand a chance. The whole "save yourself" speech only placed the last nail in my emotional coffin. And once I made the first bold step towards him, he took my hand and showed me what it really means to be "played".
Those close to him would rise to his defense and cast the blame onto me; telling me that I shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. In a way, they're exactly right. However, I think the only thing I was guilty of, is loving someone who did not deserve, nor was ready, to be loved unconditionally.
Recently, I've tried to make amends of what happened between us years ago.
I reached out.
Why? I have questions that I want answered. I have moved on, undoubtedly, but I promised myself that if I were ever offered the opportunity to talk to him again: I would take it.
It became messy for a few days...and it ended up involving other people who began to misunderstand where I was coming from.
I, however, understand one thing very clearly:
He could care less about how I feel, or what I have to say.
So, instead of continuing to be the pursuer like I did as a teenager, I'm going to take this as my exit cue.
...and instead of quietly closing this door, I'm going to slam it shut...
So that the abrupt noise that follows will serve as a reminder to all who are listening (and even he who isn't) that I am finally gone.
I recently read an online review in the NY Times for TNT's newest television show: HawthoRNe. It began with: "TNT caters to difficult women." The review largely emphasizes the cliche' role of Jada Pinkett Smith's Christina Hawthorne. A stark contrast to Showtime's newest "Nurse Jackie", this show is mainly (according to the NY Times) "weighed down in the pursuit of worthIness".
I have watched this show since it debuted a few weeks ago, and I really enjoy it. It has the potential to be a one-lady show. A shining tribute to its main character, and even its star/executive producer: Jada Pinkett Smith. However, there are so many special things about this show that cannot be ignored.
1. The storyline.
Like most great tv dramas, the plot must be vast but short to explain. It must be gripping enough to make each show good, but not have the shows too connected, so that new viewers that arrive mid-season, or faithful ones that miss an episode, can still enjoy. I love that each episode has a special problem & issue to tackle. I guess I'm just a sucker for a good hospital drama.
2. The integrity of medicine.
This is where most hospital dramas get it wrong. I'm not saying that you must confuse the average person with medicinal/pharmacological jargon the entire episode, but most of the audience will be able to concur if this show isnt committing technical malpractice. It makes a difference.
3. Mostly wholesome & positive messages.
I couldn't get into "Gray's Anatomy". I like my occasional steamy, soap-operalike entertainment as much as the next person. But I can watch MTV's Real World for that. Or One Tree Hill. It seems people don't want positivity on TV as much as we'd like to have it in reality. I believe Art imitates life, and I would NOT want to depend on a medical staff that continuously sneaks off to the supply closet to have a quickie (See "Scrubs"...lol. That show IS hilarious, though.).
4. Great acting by new faces.
I love the acting in this show. Especially the young, black, homeless woman who's now working in the hospital (tiny spoiler if you're new to the show). Jada's character is only as good as her supporting actors, and the show is perfectly well balanced. Though there are a couple one-dimension characters that are in need of attention, I am confident that the show's writers will see to it.
5. Better portrayal of black women.
Call it overdone or cliche if you want, but this can never be overdone. People said that about The Cosby Show, too. (Some blacks may not like it, because her deceased husband was white. )If you want sorrid, gritty depictions of the usual stereotype, watch Comedy Central.
At the end of the day, people don't want good music, or truth to convict their living, they just want an ill beat to dance to; numbing them of their problems. People want a sweet distraction, a gorgeous body to cuddle next to, and a string of euphoric moments disguised as peace of mind.
...new things are headed my way. (I.e. Graduate school) So, I wanted to do a bit of reflecting to see what I've learned in this current season I'm in...
1. Forgive, and as quickly as possible.
[I know the size of the hurt can depend on the timing, but I've realized that pain & offense are two different things. Getting your ego bruised and taking a shot to the heart aren't the same. And while healing is needed for pain, an offense needs only to be released.]
2. Practice wisdom with honesty.
[The "honesty" trait is not an excuse to be rude. Hurting someone's feelings should be a risk only when speaking of things that matter (I.e. infedility).]
3. Be real, with yourself first.
[This is harder than it sounds. But it is a prerequisite for being real with others. The more you accept and love yourself, the more likely you are to be transparent and open to others.]
4. Reserve something for yourself.
[This is a struggle for me, because I love to share what I write and give my gifts to bless others. However, it is healthy to have some things (I.e. hobbies) that are for you. Just you.]
5. Practice saying, "I don't know.".
[The more we allow ourselves NOT to know, the better we are, the smaller we feel, and the bigger the size of our dreams and pursuits.]
6. Be Content.
[Why else did those bankers jump off of buildings during the Great Depression of the late 1920's and 30's?]
7. Watch cartoons, regularly.
8. Read books and write hand-written letters.
9. Remember that Love has a definite Source.
[This eliminates worry, desperation, and lonliness in those Valley moments..]
10. Get closure where needed & let go of emotional baggage.
I am quietly building. Storing up an internal investment specifically for his heart. Actively waiting for the moment where he will open up his mouth and say to me, "It's you". Momentairly, I will relapse into a state of fear and doubt. I try and remind myself that friendship is more than enough, and that I should be grateful to have him in my life.
"Relax" I whisper to the aching member inside my chest."He won't recognize your emotions as pain. And it will hurt him to be reminded of his temporary selfishness. It is for the best. Let the pain go...just love him."
I expected love to be fair. For it to go right when I felt that it should. But truthfully, love can equate sacrifice. And in order for it to grow wings and soar, beyond the hatred and indifference that has us enslaved in everyday life, there must be a desire surrendered. A heart must be inconvenienced.
And I have come too far to throw it all away...for the sake of my own self-preservation.
Sometimes I pause and can sense another facet of my grasped womanhood. It's been happening more and more lately. I'm grateful for that.
I am another beautiful member of the natural hair movement. 11 months and counting since my last relaxer. :)
I'm taking a long pause concerning my book. I made the mistake of telling friends it was something I was currently working on...thus, it unknowingly became an expectation that I'm consistantly asked about. That was my mistake.
Summer sleep is joyous.
I have finally banned BET....becoming "one of those people".
I don't care how short Mos Def's tracks are..."The Ecstatic" is still in heavy rotation.
I've spent the past 5 days talking to my best [guy] friend for at least 4 hours/day. It takes me back to the Summer of '07 when I fell in love with him. Be still my heart.
I've never laughed so much with my parents before....the older I get, the closer I get to them.
This summer has allowed me to take a journey back into my past. I've conversed and confronted exes/crushes/temporarys. I'm glad I didn't burn those bridges.
God is leading me by the hand in this stage of my life. Causing me to breathe deeply and make each step purposeful and emphatic. It is so evident that I'm in transition.
I'm settling into my adult body. My metabolism isn't what it used to be, but my curved shape, straight back, skin, and eyes are aligned with that of a woman. I smile into my mirror more these days. Definitely.
I am so ready for graduate school. I hope my professors are ready for me.