Building My Castle for Two...

I am quietly building. Storing up an internal investment specifically for his heart. Actively waiting for the moment where he will open up his mouth and say to me, "It's you". Momentairly, I will relapse into a state of fear and doubt. I try and remind myself that friendship is more than enough, and that I should be grateful to have him in my life.

"Relax" I whisper to the aching member inside my chest."He won't recognize your emotions as pain. And it will hurt him to be reminded of his temporary selfishness. It is for the best. Let the pain go...just love him."

I expected love to be fair. For it to go right when I felt that it should. But truthfully, love can equate sacrifice. And in order for it to grow wings and soar, beyond the hatred and indifference that has us enslaved in everyday life, there must be a desire surrendered. A heart must be inconvenienced.

And I have come too far to throw it all away...for the sake of my own self-preservation.

The Former or the Latter {Thoughts on Love}

Those that take a chance on love, get hurt more often.

And those with hearts similiar to Stonehenge, are able to preserve themselves.

Their paths to Love are quite different...but if that Love is strong enough, in the end both are able to partake of it. Both hearts are precious; equally desiring of Love.

But fear is always present. One is running from it; the other possessed by it. One would imagine that choosing the former is the best route to finding Love.

However...hearts tend to get weary.

And weary hearts that stop; often are finally subdued by the very fear that they were running from. Oddly enough, giving in to fear isn't tumultuous at first. It's sense of self-preservation is numbing in a blessed sort of way. You're able to take inventory of just how exhausting pursuing something, that seemingly didn't want to be caught, made you.

So, you rest.

Until, that is, you are disrupted by your own desires. Coupled with the bright-eyed hope that made you want Love in the beginning.

Then fear contests.

And a dilemma ensues, once again....

...leaving you with a decision to make:

What sort of person am I going to be?

The Former or the Latter?...

I choose the Former.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” --CS Lewis

And One Thing Will Lead to Another...

God help me...It just dawned on me that the summer is half-way over.

Meaning August is fast approaching.

Which is when he and I will return to Liberty for our first year of graduate school...where we will be in the same classes, roll in the same circles, and see each other quite often.

He may have a car this year, so there will probably be more opportunities to hang out alone.

Meaning that we will have more adventures together.

We'll share more inside jokes and discover newness everyday.

And he will make me laugh until tears and will grow closer to my heart.

We will write more & perform poetry together...and talk about writing our book.

Meaning that we will begin to do the things that we've always pictured ourselves doing...together.

And I will grow up next to him.

Meaning that I will focus my heart on no one but him. The smiles and eyes of others will become eternally dead to me.

My hopes will fly higher. My love for him will mature and grow more stubborn.

And one thing will lead to another...

And it will be harder to let him go, if I ever have to...

Maybe It's In the Air... (Last Blog Before the Summer That Changed My LIfe)

I really, really, REALLY need to go home.

I feel as though I am wearing out my welcome, and its becoming a struggle to be around people. I am a Psychology major, so people should be my area of expertise. Right now, I am stumped.

My best guy friend (with whom I have complicated feelings for)has gone clueless on me. Or maybe I've been clueless for at least a month.... I thought he was one of the few people on this campus that understood me. At times, it seems the air is clear, but add other people into the mix, and I have no clue what is going on. I wrote him a haiku last night while we were studying, and he looked at it like I'd written in Arabic. I was a little disappointed.

....plus...I had begun (even unknowingly to myself) to build up a sense of false hope of things changing between us. I wasn't expecting a dating relationship per se, but a distinct difference than what we were used to. It hit me sitting in that computer lab somewhere between 3 and 4 am, that things will NEVER change. I badly want to be in his life, but I realized that I must keep him at a distance.

I don't want to yearn for him the way he yearns for her. And she is "just a friend". Why make my misery worse?

But its not just his part in it that makes me uneasy, I'm not helping the situation either. A fear inside of me has reared its ugly head. I am afraid of not being close to him. But I won't allow myself to get close if it means my feelings for him will grow. I don't like the feeling I feel when "we three" are in the same room. I am not the jealous type and I can very clearly see why he adores her. She is a constant source of conversation between us, and I am never naturally bias in my advice.

I can tell a difference. In him, I mean. He playfully hugs me, yet he holds her. He writes poetry describing her, and I am merely an encouragement in the Art; a colleague.

What's this familiar pain I feel in my chest?

Homesickness doesn't paralyze me like this..........