Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Potential to do What I'm Incapable Of...

How awful it is so see people live below their potential. Potential doesn't suggest accomplishing something that I am capable of. I'm not capable of anything good or decent. History shows us that imperfect people left to their own devices, are only destined to destroy themselves. I'm not walking in capability.

Because: I'm supposed to be dead.

Or pregnant. Or strung out on drugs.

Or broken. Or defeated. Or discouraged.

Or done.

But, not so. Not even close.

I'm scaring myself, these days. God has allowed me to experience more clarity and profundity of thought than I have ever experienced. I've tapped into a supernatural source that carries the comfort of a mother's voice.

Peaceful, yet disruptive.

Bringing calm and terror at once.

Healing wounds but shattering mindsets.

And fear is losing ground in my heart. I feel my wings flex, bend, and slowly spread. Their span is alarming. Soft, assuring wind graze the height of my cheekbones. It's almost time.

I have no idea where I am headed. But, I do know that I've tread upon this earth long enough. Settling for the path of fearful people with no idea that there is more. The worn skin on the soles of my feet are evidence that there is another way. I've traveled to the four corners of this earth by these two limbs.

Now let's see if the sky truly has a limit....

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I Just. Lost. Everything.

Job 1:20

“Job got to his feet, ripped his robe, shaved his head, then fell to the ground and worshipped.”

The act of Surrender is easy concerning the future. We will allow God, in all of His Sovereignty, to handle the “soon to be”. Yet we still look to have complete control over that which is the “here and now”. We silently force the hand of God away from what that same Hand has so mercifully given unto us. As if to say “Don’t worry God, I can handle this. I can take it from here.” But how deceived we are. We have no more strength inside to inhale our next breath, much less govern our lives, without the provision of God. We will thank Him for his blessings, yet won’t lay them at His feet in worship and adoration.

We start to need Him less and less. Gradually. Well-to-do Christians, but spoiled and self-indulgent.

We end up like Job. With the whole world at our beckon call, but with only a subtle amount of faith.

Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that what we possess is secure. That we aren’t in danger of losing everything. God has our best interest at heart, but He is no good luck charm. He commands that we yearn for Him above all else. And there is no better way to understand Job’s dilemma than to endure something similar.

The Death of a Dream, perhaps.

God has given me dreams, ambitions, and talents, but even those, I must commit back to Him in service and worship. Release my firm, selfish grip off of those things; even if God says they are for me. I can even pray for the health or safety of loved ones, but even they should never come closer to my heart than God. Let them go, and desperately grab a hold to Him. Him only. If I am consistently in the presence of He who holds all things in His hands, then I am sure to never lack.

If God wills that I lose all I have. Up to my own life, even, then I will count it all gain for Christ. I used to think that this meant that I couldn’t truly care for anything else. Not so. My love and need for Him overflows into every area of my existence. I am a better daughter. A better student. A better friend. A better girlfriend.

All because God showed me that everything He has allotted to me is fragile. Able to be taken away at any moment. In many ways, all of my dreams have died. Just like Job’s. It hasn’t happened physically, but in my heart: I lost everything.

I wasn’t able to afford school, so I got kicked out.
I ended an important relationship.
My family fell a part at the seams.
My parents and I become financially destitute.
I lost my love for writing.

All of it: gone.

The certainty of some of these things hanged in the balance. The fear of their coming to be weighed heavy on my shoulders. So heavy, that my soul hurt as if I had really lost all that I hold precious.

I mean, I might as well have.

And in losing everything, I gained everything.

Instead of begrudging my Father, I did like Job did:

Job 1:20

“Job got to his feet, ripped his robe, shaved his head, then fell to the ground and worshipped.”

In an ongoing act of worship, I believed in the plan of God for my life. That if my greatest fears ends up being what He has for me: then He is STILL worthy of every ounce of praise that my weak, frail body can give Him. Yea, though He slay me; yet will I trust Him, the scripture says.

Then something miraculous happened. God gave it all back to me.

Not only all that I had lost, but a surplus. And the blessings are still coming.

But this time, instead of focusing my eyes on what God has given me, I bow my head in reverence, kneeling, and place those blessings at His feet.

After all, He’s all I ever really wanted….

Beloved, God holds the universe in His hands. Whatever you need, He's got for you.

But, this year, let's try something different. Let's ask, above all else, for one thing:



Friday, January 11, 2008

D.N.A. (Definition of Natural Affection)

I love you.

...and with each sunrise I anxiously await to see how many sizes more my heart can grow.
...and with each sunset, I kiss the face of God; thanking Him for the pain that led me to you.

The question of if, in fact, you are my forever is irrelevant. If your stumbling, but heart-felt attempts are like the greatest love song, then I cannot begin to imagine what my Dear Heart's melody sounds like.

Together, I feel as though I am taking part in something spectacular. So, naturally...living a whole, separate, and individualistic existence will only shy in comparison to the light that WE bring.


Testimony that beauty lies within an embrace. Intimacy is hidden inside a smile. And ecstasy is found between the tight crevices of intertwined fingers.

[Making a relationship into an idol cheapens the purpose it was given. ]

Representation. Pointing towards a bigger picture. Something that is too transcendent to notice with human eyes.

Decipher the code in

The stretch of the mouth and

The flush of the cheek.

Define the flicker

Light brings to the eye.

Explain why palpitations

Increase with touch.

Accomplish all

Of these things:

And you will




Look. See me. Notice our interaction. In the simplest and calmest of body language, but set out to slowly decipher the love language of God. A part of His Gift to us.

Hold me love. Look closely. Can you see His fingerprints?