As Always....He is the Last Thing I Think of...

It's something about that initial contact.

That moment.
I mean, we exist a part from each others sights consistently.
It could be days before we are next to each other, and that doesn't make me question whether or not I am on his mind...Like he is on mine...
I don't wonder if the love is fading, because I feel that the exact opposite is true.

Still.
It's something about that first hug. The "hello" in his hand grabbing mine.
The second his fingertips graze my cheek.
I anticipate the electricity but am still caught off guard at the point of impact.
Sometimes, I want to go through intentional bouts of long distant agony, so that I experience his touch at maximum strength.

It's love.
I know.
But in that moment, it's as if I've always known...but not quite enough.
I missed a detail. A hidden, minuscule portion of the obvious.
That contact overwhelms my awareness.
And if doubt could ever manage it's way into my heart, it could never be then.
In that moment.
...There's just no room.

All That I Desire: Words

I remember my mother telling me about the day I came home from my first day of school. She says that I was so proud that day.

"Mommy?" I asked her, "What do you call it when a caterpillar turns into a budd-erfly (butterfly, in adult language....c'mon, I was only 5.)?"

"What, my baby?" she replied.

With my semi-toothless grin, I declared, "Me-ta-mor-fuh-siss!!" (Metamorphosis)

That memory stays with me. I think when I came home from the first day of 1st grade, I had begun my love affair with words. Fascinated with the way each syllable bounced off my tongue and the sounds they made. Each word had a vibe of its own. Each enunciation unique. I used to love Handwriting class, too. I remember taking my huge, thin letter writing practice notebook home and going ahead of what my teacher assigned for homework. When we were learning how to write our "Gs", I was busy mastering my "Ns".

I had the WORST handwriting up until middle school, but that never kept me from my love of words. I wasn't outspoken or loud as a child, but that didn't stop me.

My interest with words increases steadily. I am well acquainted with libraries, bookstores, etc. I think I was the only kid in my whole elementary school that mastered the Dewey Decimal System. Card catalogs were a breeze to me. #1 on my Christmas list for years was Where the Wild Things Are or the newest Youth fiction novel. My mother knew that the best way to punish me for misbehaving was to remove all of my books out of my room. Simply sending me there only provided me refuge.

The floor of Barnes & Nobles is paved with gold; a place where I could honestly [and I sometimes secretly] break out into song.

In middle school I got near perfect scores on the verbal portion of the PSATs. I made straight A's in English. I even read the dictionary for fun!!!

This desire has also become a handicap of mine. I suffer from complexity issues a lot of the time. Every moment of my life requires a caption. Each occurrence a detailed explanation. Nothing can ever just be in my life. I must put it into words; in order to provide it with meaning.

But sometimes the silence that comes in a moment of awe is sufficient.

I am learning to welcome the ambiguity of life. To appreciate mystery and to see the beauty in simplicity.

All That I Desire: Truth

Truth (n.) - the actual state of a matter; ideal or fundamental reality apart from and transcending perceived experience.

My mom says that I, as a little girl, used to ask the "Why?" question a lot. I believe this tendency was grafted into the core of my personality, because I feel that "everything happens for a reason". And for as long as I can remember, my first inclination/reaction when faced with a circumstance [good or bad] was to ask "Why?"

If you look at the above definition, it's two-fold.

First: the actual state of the matter.

Does anyone, other than me, notice that our society thrives on deception?

We are either taught to lie or buy into lies.

Advertisement paints elaborate (though at times hilarious) fantasies, promising the consumer a desired end, if only they would buy the product. Music is whoring itself to this Almighty Propaganda, relying on a formula in order to be successful. Meanwhile, the truth about music is confined to a solitary, aged category: Socially-conscious.

The religion of Hollywood consists of public persona; so individuals don't look up to their character, but to the 'characters' that they reenact on screen. Ask any actor why they love acting, and some will say that they love being able to become someone else. There is thrill in deceiving, so to speak. I'm not being overtly-cryptic, but I cannot help but notice a trend.

Identity is dependent on what is the most glamorous at the moment. We teach our children that they can be anything they want to be, which is true to an extent, but we don't combine that theory with positive avenues. These positive outlets (ie: The Arts) are meant to help them DISCOVER who they were created to be, because no one (in my opinion) is born without an innate purpose. Negative activities repress or pervert that purpose. It is my firm belief that evil is the counterfeit of good. It is a distorted image of what is true. Deception is an altered version of the Truth. Locating the lie is the first step to discovering Truth. So, discern the lie.

Second: ideal or fundamental reality apart from and transcending perceived experience.

Your eyes can lie to you. Your senses can lie to you. If our 5 senses were adequate enough to come across truth, then the Creator wouldn't have given us Intellect & Emotions. It's funny that each of these three aspects cannot function separately.

I mean, let's look at that for a minute...

A person who is nothing but a brain, that is, possessing no heart or way to gather information from the environment is incomplete. Sensation is needed to alert the brain. Emotions are needed to reinforce a certain behavior.

A hot stove. A naive child. Child touches the stove. The Senses feel the heat - sending a signal to the brain to remove the hand - afterwards the child expresses Fear/Caution each time he/she gets too close to a hot stove. They all work together.

God is cool, isn't He?

Getting back to the point:
We should always question our surroundings and never should we even begin to accept anything that hasn't been confirmed by all three parts. Now, as a believer I know that there is 4th piece: The Spirit. And the spirit is a profound thing. It can disprove anything that the three previous portions can emphatically prove. It can also CONFIRM what is found, naturally.

So now, as I mature, I allow the Natural and the Super-natural to work together; in order to help me find Truth. This Truth, however, originated in the Super-natural....

...because I refuse to believe that the source of Truth came from a world that decays daily. Someday, whether it be tomorrow or 1000s of years from now, this reality as we know it will be gone. So what will happen to Truth? If our current reality is all there is, then there is no such thing as hope, only probability. No such thing as desire, only animalistic urges. No such thing as love, only temporary attachments.

No such thing as Truth, only relative opinion.