No Longer a Bridesmaid...

I loved to play dress up as a little girl.

I can picture myself placing my tiny feet into my mother’s high heels, draping her long dresses over my small body, and pretending that I was a kind mother or a strong wife. My favorite character to play dress up in was a bride on her wedding day. I clearly recall my mother pulling out her wedding dress from the back of her closet; carefully removing it from its clear, plastic bag and smoothing out the impressed wrinkles. She would gaze retrospectively at the dress; recalling how she felt on that day. I have had many talks with her, as well as many young women, about my anticipation towards wearing this special garment myself one day. No matter my relationship status, I possess a secret desire to don this piece of clothing that represents honor, beauty, and grace.

I’m surrounded by a culture that marries young, and I have yet to make significant strides towards that walk down the aisle. Somewhere around the entrance of my 24th birthday, I began to get slightly depressed about how distant I am from getting married. I talk frequently with 21 and 22 year olds who have recently tied the knot, and they (though enduring their share of problems that come along with getting married young) seem to be so grounded in their Love for one another. A part of me feels like I haven’t earned this privilege yet; the privilege of being committed to. That despite the hardships that are promised with being in Love, I haven’t arrived at the level to where I can wear that beautiful wedding dress and declare that I have someone who wants to Love me unconditionally. I can only be one of the bridesmaids; those who can celebrate and advocate for Love, but cannot relate to the demonstration taking place between the Groom and his Bride.

Participating in the celebration, but unable to take ownership of this Love.

Revelation 19:7-8 (English Standard Version)
7Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;
8it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

I have been so enamored by the timing that I will wear a physical wedding dress, that I have forgotten that I am already clothed. I am adorned in my spirit with grace, beauty, and honor through His salvation and holiness. My spiritual linens are pure and white, and every day my heart is being prepared for the day that He (my Groom) will return for me. Each moment that I commune with Him, I am reminded that before any man decides to declare his lifelong Love to me, I already hold the promise to “Love, honor, and protect” from God. Eternally. He has always loved me. He is my First Love. I am already a Bride….His. There is no “until death, do us part” in my Groom and I’s vows.

I am His now, and for always.

What I Know So Far...

...new things are headed my way. (I.e. Graduate school) So, I wanted to do a bit of reflecting to see what I've learned in this current season I'm in...

1. Forgive, and as quickly as possible.

[I know the size of the hurt can depend on the timing, but I've realized that pain & offense are two different things. Getting your ego bruised and taking a shot to the heart aren't the same. And while healing is needed for pain, an offense needs only to be released.]

2. Practice wisdom with honesty.

[The "honesty" trait is not an excuse to be rude. Hurting someone's feelings should be a risk only when speaking of things that matter (I.e. infedility).]

3. Be real, with yourself first.

[This is harder than it sounds. But it is a prerequisite for being real with others. The more you accept and love yourself, the more likely you are to be transparent and open to others.]

4. Reserve something for yourself.

[This is a struggle for me, because I love to share what I write and give my gifts to bless others. However, it is healthy to have some things (I.e. hobbies) that are for you. Just you.]

5. Practice saying, "I don't know.".

[The more we allow ourselves NOT to know, the better we are, the smaller we feel, and the bigger the size of our dreams and pursuits.]

6. Be Content.

[Why else did those bankers jump off of buildings during the Great Depression of the late 1920's and 30's?]

7. Watch cartoons, regularly.

[Try it...]

8. Read books and write hand-written letters.

[Trust me...]

9. Remember that Love has a definite Source.

[This eliminates worry, desperation, and lonliness in those Valley moments..]

and

10. Get closure where needed & let go of emotional baggage.

The Blur That I Call "College"...

August 2006-May 2007
Freshman/Sophomore Year

Summary:My first year at Liberty University was memorable. I had amazing roommates & got exposed to African culture for the very first time. Got decent grades & goofed off a lot on Facebook. I broke rules and did things that shock me to this day. I performed poetry in public for the first time & earned my stage name. I began and ended a relationship during this school year, and laid the foundation for my current relationship. Ended on the brightest note. All in all, I saw how tough life can be when you are determined to live it only for yourself.
Clubs:I was recruited mid-semester into Student Leadership as a Dormitory Prayer Leader on my hall.
Relationship Status:Dated a guy without being friends first, it ended after 6 months.
GPA:2.53
Favorite class:English 102
Lessons learned:
1.Know your boundaries.
2."When people show you who they are, believe them."
3.Experimentation isn't always fun.
4.Be brave. Speak up.
5.Appearances can lie.
6.Remembering where you come from does not require you to look back.
7.Your fears aren't made of stone...walk through them.
8.Work FIRST, play afterward.
9.Love is never soft or weak, but it is the strongest attribute a person can possess.
10.Forgive.
Pic to sum up the year:



August 2007-May 2008
Sophomore/Junior Year
Summary:Possibly the hardest/best year of my life to date. Everything that I thought was unbreakable inside of me was broken, and I didn't think it was capable to have so much love surrounding you. I fell in love with my best friend, stood by him during one of the hardest times of his life, and even became best friends with his best friend... I endured the death of a dream, & its resurrection. I grew poetically; writing almost everyday. I took active political/social roles on campus. My love life broke new ground, even through a long period of separation. I had a better year academically, also. In general, this year was quite the adventure.
Clubs: Center for M.E. (Multicultural Enrichment), The E.Q.U.A.L.I.T.Y Factor Movement, 2nd year as Prayer Leader and earned a spot as a Resident Assistant this upcoming year.
Relationship Status: Madly in love.
GPA:2.76
Favorite Class:Psychology 351(Multicultural Counseling & Research)
Lessons:
1.Smile more.
2.Take a chance on yourself.
3.God knows what He's doing...so trust Him.
4.Hold nothing back.
5.Love is as explainable as God.
6.Relax.
7.Know what you believe and why, and be ready to speak when someone calls on you for an answer.
8.Your true friends are there despite inconvenience.
9. Use a thesaurus.
10.Writing is NEVER for the author's benefit.
Pic to sum up the year:


August 2008-May 2009
Senior Year
Stay tuned....
Here's a pic of things to come:

Build.An.Alter.

I went and ate lunch alone today...it was nice.
...and I started thinking.
When people in the Old Testament (of the Bible, I mean) were met with
certain provisions, or something life-changing happened to them, or God
revealed something new, they did one main thing:

They built an alter.

When God changed Jacob's name to Israel, he built a memorial on that very spot.
Serving as a physical memory. A reminder of what took place.

2008 so far has been a literal dramatic crescendo of events. I mean, one thing after the other. One challenge after another. And I've been presented with an expectant future. Lots to look forward to. And plenty to worry about.
...but I won't.
I'll simply grab a hammer & a handful of nails, along with a couple of pieces of wood...
and construct my own humble monument.

...maybe I'll call it "Jireh".

All That I Desire: Words

I remember my mother telling me about the day I came home from my first day of school. She says that I was so proud that day.

"Mommy?" I asked her, "What do you call it when a caterpillar turns into a budd-erfly (butterfly, in adult language....c'mon, I was only 5.)?"

"What, my baby?" she replied.

With my semi-toothless grin, I declared, "Me-ta-mor-fuh-siss!!" (Metamorphosis)

That memory stays with me. I think when I came home from the first day of 1st grade, I had begun my love affair with words. Fascinated with the way each syllable bounced off my tongue and the sounds they made. Each word had a vibe of its own. Each enunciation unique. I used to love Handwriting class, too. I remember taking my huge, thin letter writing practice notebook home and going ahead of what my teacher assigned for homework. When we were learning how to write our "Gs", I was busy mastering my "Ns".

I had the WORST handwriting up until middle school, but that never kept me from my love of words. I wasn't outspoken or loud as a child, but that didn't stop me.

My interest with words increases steadily. I am well acquainted with libraries, bookstores, etc. I think I was the only kid in my whole elementary school that mastered the Dewey Decimal System. Card catalogs were a breeze to me. #1 on my Christmas list for years was Where the Wild Things Are or the newest Youth fiction novel. My mother knew that the best way to punish me for misbehaving was to remove all of my books out of my room. Simply sending me there only provided me refuge.

The floor of Barnes & Nobles is paved with gold; a place where I could honestly [and I sometimes secretly] break out into song.

In middle school I got near perfect scores on the verbal portion of the PSATs. I made straight A's in English. I even read the dictionary for fun!!!

This desire has also become a handicap of mine. I suffer from complexity issues a lot of the time. Every moment of my life requires a caption. Each occurrence a detailed explanation. Nothing can ever just be in my life. I must put it into words; in order to provide it with meaning.

But sometimes the silence that comes in a moment of awe is sufficient.

I am learning to welcome the ambiguity of life. To appreciate mystery and to see the beauty in simplicity.

Missing Love (Part Three...In Random Alphabetic Thought Form)

[What can I say?...He. is my favorite topic.]

a. The fact that he teaches me lessons daily is nothing short of ironic...

b. I never thought a love between two people could feel this way. And it's surprising how he manages to renew my incredulity. I can't believe all of this is happening to me. And in me. And above me.

c. Just when I think I've become well acquainted with his love, or love in general, I am shown another side of it. There is always more to learn. A deeper level to cultivate. A higher height to reach. And this love shows no signs of stopping.

d. I remember being in past relationships hearing a certain love song that reminded me of my significant other. But now, the melody I hear carries a unique tune. We are creating our own music.

e. I've never been so patient concerning the future before. In times past, I've prayed for God to speed time up, so that I may get to a certain level in a relationship that could match my emotional commitment. Now? I pray God slows time almost to a stand still...so that I can love him at a snail's pace. (smile)

f. Where has all of my trust issues gone?

g. God has an odd sense of humor concerning romance, but He's shown me that the things He has in store for us supersedes anything we can conjure up ourselves. All we have to do is hand Him the pen...

h. I am annoyed sometimes that he takes such pleasure in doing thoughtful things for others. I didn't think a man my age like that even existed.

i. "How blessed am I to have fallen in love with my best friend?"

j. He is brilliant. I love to pick his brain, lean forward, and listen...it frustrates me that he struggles to comprehend math. (smile)

k. He doesn't know this...but the respect and honor he gives his parents convicts me concerning the relationship I have with my own.

l. Another thing he doesn't know: God is going to touch a whole generation through his words, hands, and heart.

m. I hope he never loses his "pudge"...honestly. Imperfections keep us humble, and his humility is what I love most about him.

n. It's cute that he doesn't know how attractive he is. Inside and out. And honestly, they run about even in amount...I mean, he is a sexy guy.

o. If I had to pick one thing about him that I love most, it'd be his Kind Heart. I thank his parents for that.

p. If I had my way, we'd be married by the end of 2010. We'd be broke, probably homeless (pushing our first book on the street corners), but deliriously happy.

r. The moment I KNEW that I loved him: I showed him my brand new Lauryn Hill mixtape, and he reacted the EXACT way that I did when I first saw it. Meanwhile, my current boyfriend stood looking confused.

s. The 1st week of Christmas Break was the best week of my life. He has no idea...

t. I appreciate the stints of time we spend a part.

u. I haven't written this much in my whole entire life. What does that mean?????

v. The question of Summer '07? What do you want, and how do you want it?

w. I admit it, when he called D**n* by my name on the phone, I was thrilled. Truth be told, she's not one of my favorite people. He knows why...

x. My Ultimate Present for Him: to get him onto that Def Poetry Jam stage...

y. I think we should try that LU Scavenger Hunt 1st date again, but this time: He's setting it up. (smile)

z. I still think he's the Emcee.

What I Know So Far...(Reflection for the Occasion)

So yeah. 22.

It feels really good, and I just thought I'd share (in a slightly humorous tone) the lessons I've learned so far (No big explanation for each, just try any one of them and I bet you'll either get a positive result or you'll feel better about life):

1. Be good to people.

2. Upon first glance, give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

3. Family first.

4. Give more than you expect.

5. Invest into the life of at least one child.

6. Talk to total strangers. (Yeah I know, it is the exact opposite of what we were taught as children...)
7. Be brave.

8. Take part in or cause at least 4 random acts per day.

9. Laugh a lot.

10. Take part in citywide/campuswide/nationwide causes. Go on a mission trip at least once in your life.

11. Leave notes of gratitude to waiters/ tip more than expected.

12. Work harder as a volunteer than you would as a paid employee.

13. Choose being humble above being right.

14. Color in coloring books regularly.

15. Take lots of pictures.

16. Dance badly in public.

17. Strive to learn something new everyday.

18. Love. For God's sakes... LOVE!

19. Eat Chocolate. Yes...because chocolate=endorphans=happiness.

20. Trust in God with everything you have and all that you are, and watch Him take care of the rest.

21. Hey...your parents: they know what they are talking about. LISTEN.

22. In college, take a class or join an organization that has NOTHING to do with your major.

23. Nap.

24. TV really can rot your brain. Read a book.

25. God created you, and He loves you, so it is for the benefit of all mankind that YOU love YOU as well. You are a good thing...God said so.