Potential to Do What I Am Incapable Of...(Part Three)

Presently, I am extra sensitive to my surroundings. Now, more than ever, I am seeking the purpose and promise behind everything that happens. Why? Because things around me are growing and evolving. So naturally, I look to the sky asking God...

"Okay...what are you up to? What does this all mean?"

Opportunities that my heart has sought after are actually going to happen. It's one thing to want something. To pray for something. To fantasize about being in a certain place...but now that these dreams are now tangible and real...I'm nowhere close to being prepared. So, my initial thoughts are:

"Lord. I need you."

The past 2 months aren't a coincidence, but ordained for some purpose.

1 Corinthians 2:9

But as it is written: “ Eye has not seen, nor ear heard
Nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him."

Emphasis on "things [which God has prepared].

1. Healing

I should be dead. The tumor should have grown cancerous and the surgery unsuccessful. But, God had bigger plans for my life. Through a miracle, the MRI came back clear, and gradually, my body is healing itself. My hormone levels are normal and I will be able to have children one day. At the same time I was waiting on my test results, a little girl that my step-dad's job was raising money for, died from a brain tumor that had plagued her body for many years. Why God chose to take her life and spare mine isn't for me to understand...regardless...I owe Him my life, because He saved it.

2. Love

He is everything God knew I would need in a best friend. I see a reflection of God's heart for my life each time he looks at me: without one ounce of pretense, dishonesty, and condition. I've never been in a relationship where we try to outdo one another in love. Never have I felt such a freedom in God's timing [for my love life especially]. Paul says in Philippians 4:12, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."I have known what it is like to suffer in a relationship. To give so much of yourself and getting nothing back. I thank God for those times. Heartache has been my greatest teacher. Not in technique, necessarily, but in having a teachable spirit.

God knows, I have no idea how to love this man.
But I am open to learn. Everyday. For the rest of my days.

3. Leadership=Servanthood

I received the email yesterday announcing that I've been chosen to serve as an Resident Assistant next school year. After getting many congratulations from my peers throughout the day yesterday, an older woman who is in graduate school asked me was I excited. I said, "Uh. It hasn't even hit me yet!!" She laughed and said "Well, it'll hit you tomorrow at the Contract Signing when you sign your life away!" I laughed along with her, but thinking about it later, I realized that my answer to her statement should have been:

"Well, my life is Christ's anyway. So, it shouldn't be too big of an adjustment."

4. Finances

I'm still a broke college student. But if it weren't for the intervention of God, then I would just be broke [minus the college student part]. My financial situation almost prevented me from being able to start my Junior Year in January. But God, again, stepped in and proved that He has the last word in everything. There is truly nothing too hard for Him. Or expensive.

No way $6,148 could break His bank account.

Potential to Do What I Am Incapable of... (Interlude)

While walking from my afternoon class, I allowed my mind to wander. Immediately it drifted to the important decision that is being made concerning my future as an Residential Assistant [which is, if you don't know, a person who oversees the physical, social, and academic well-being of the students on a single floor in a dormitory]. After making it through three weeks of interviewing, tests, and various exercises, I have nothing left to do but wait.

And waiting is something that I've been girded for. I'm currently waiting on many things...Instead of examining the possibilities of each outcome, I chose to embrace an attitude. A pursuit. A goal that is not dependent upon a panel of people selecting or rejecting me for this important position. It will not rely on titles. And it is the only card that I have to play.
I decided that I want to affect. Influence. Disturb. Disrupt. Move. Shape. Change.I want to be a catalyst.
No matter what campus designation or leadership entitlement I have. Even if I have none at all. I will NOT allow that to gauge my drive to conjure revolution.

Recalling the bars of Manchild:

"I'd rather be washed up than watered down."

Mhmm. Exactly.
Now this isn't an attempt to psych myself out so that I won't be disappointed......just simply a declaration. From a small-town country girl who loves poetry and Hip-Hop.

Tomorrow's Doomsday. To Be Continued...

The Potential to do What I'm Incapable Of...

How awful it is so see people live below their potential. Potential doesn't suggest accomplishing something that I am capable of. I'm not capable of anything good or decent. History shows us that imperfect people left to their own devices, are only destined to destroy themselves. I'm not walking in capability.

Because: I'm supposed to be dead.

Or pregnant. Or strung out on drugs.

Or broken. Or defeated. Or discouraged.

Or done.

But, not so. Not even close.

I'm scaring myself, these days. God has allowed me to experience more clarity and profundity of thought than I have ever experienced. I've tapped into a supernatural source that carries the comfort of a mother's voice.

Peaceful, yet disruptive.

Bringing calm and terror at once.

Healing wounds but shattering mindsets.

And fear is losing ground in my heart. I feel my wings flex, bend, and slowly spread. Their span is alarming. Soft, assuring wind graze the height of my cheekbones. It's almost time.

I have no idea where I am headed. But, I do know that I've tread upon this earth long enough. Settling for the path of fearful people with no idea that there is more. The worn skin on the soles of my feet are evidence that there is another way. I've traveled to the four corners of this earth by these two limbs.

Now let's see if the sky truly has a limit....