Grad School, Here I Come...

And One Thing Will Lead to Another...

God help me...It just dawned on me that the summer is half-way over.

Meaning August is fast approaching.

Which is when he and I will return to Liberty for our first year of graduate school...where we will be in the same classes, roll in the same circles, and see each other quite often.

He may have a car this year, so there will probably be more opportunities to hang out alone.

Meaning that we will have more adventures together.

We'll share more inside jokes and discover newness everyday.

And he will make me laugh until tears and will grow closer to my heart.

We will write more & perform poetry together...and talk about writing our book.

Meaning that we will begin to do the things that we've always pictured ourselves doing...together.

And I will grow up next to him.

Meaning that I will focus my heart on no one but him. The smiles and eyes of others will become eternally dead to me.

My hopes will fly higher. My love for him will mature and grow more stubborn.

And one thing will lead to another...

And it will be harder to let him go, if I ever have to...

Be.Still. (Part One--Love)

He and I.

We are both seniors in college.
Steps away from cap -n- gowns, and a summer's length from graduate school.
So.
we are both (individually) doing this...dance.
Like a running back does as he is yards away from the endzone.
We take stance on tiptoes, avoiding and desperately dodging the things that
doesn't want he or I to achieve the goal.
(i.e. "Senioritis")
In the midst of all this...we go nowhere.
Friends...and nothing more.
Not regrettably, I mean. I do not say this with the slightest hint of remorse.
Because of one tremendous fact: we are still.

I've thought so many times about running away (metaphorically) with him.
Snatching the potential with swift hands and taking off directly for the future.
Towards the center of my heart wherein lies the desire to be with him.

Yet,
there are blessed moments where I am sitting near him...and no words are spoken.
It could be because one or both of us are tackling academics. Or cleaning.
Contentedly writing/ or nodding along to Mos Def or Little Brother.
Then.
I feel the world halt.
The chaos of life, the bright colors of the finish line's ribbon, and the encouragement of the crowd
All in an instant configure themselves,
And get in line according to priority.

And it suddenly makes sense.
Stillness gently reminds me:

God has me exactly where I need to be.

Get.A.Way. [Find.A.Way.]

I got the sudden urge to run away today.

Faced with one too many tragic stories of homicide & destitution. Emotional slavery & utter hopelessness. Tired of watching the news. Sick of irresponsible hands carrying the wealth of the world. Weary of things "just being the way they are".

It's not that my problems and issues are so overwhelming that I'd rather flee than fight...it's just that today my mind entertained the notion of a life somewhere other than here. And I wondered what it would feel like...

I would breathe.
Embrace the ability to pause & appreciate the clean air go in. and out of my body.
Thanking God for this invisible gift that we exhaust so frivolously.
Literally thanking Him for life.
Giving no thought to a day when the last tree will die.
How would this feel?

I would love.
Openly and fiercely. Without one ounce of apprehension or regard to the word "consequence".
Deplete myself into my love's frame like I was girded to since Creation.
...No one knows of the condom, rape, or AIDS here.
Sex is as holy and as free as God.
So I thank Him & caress the healthy, pink cheek of my newborn son.
How would this feel?

I would smile.
Open-mouth grin at my neighbor. And she would beam with a warmth so genuine it widens my smile.
But kindness is so natural here...we have no need for many words.
I notice the sun's rays as it reflects off of her skin. I marvel. The color of warm milk it is.
I see the beauty in her own hue & she embraces it in mine.
We two free from all unspoken bias & our history of segregation.
...because there is so much that we share: I embody her.
How would this feel?

To run my hands into the earth...
...and not argue over its age or war over its contents.
To worship the Creator with my life...
...without Man's disclosure to serve him first.
To hear Love clearly...
...because the voice of Hate is too faint to make out...

Build.An.Alter.

I went and ate lunch alone today...it was nice.
...and I started thinking.
When people in the Old Testament (of the Bible, I mean) were met with
certain provisions, or something life-changing happened to them, or God
revealed something new, they did one main thing:

They built an alter.

When God changed Jacob's name to Israel, he built a memorial on that very spot.
Serving as a physical memory. A reminder of what took place.

2008 so far has been a literal dramatic crescendo of events. I mean, one thing after the other. One challenge after another. And I've been presented with an expectant future. Lots to look forward to. And plenty to worry about.
...but I won't.
I'll simply grab a hammer & a handful of nails, along with a couple of pieces of wood...
and construct my own humble monument.

...maybe I'll call it "Jireh".

Potential to Do What I Am Incapable Of...(Part Three)

Presently, I am extra sensitive to my surroundings. Now, more than ever, I am seeking the purpose and promise behind everything that happens. Why? Because things around me are growing and evolving. So naturally, I look to the sky asking God...

"Okay...what are you up to? What does this all mean?"

Opportunities that my heart has sought after are actually going to happen. It's one thing to want something. To pray for something. To fantasize about being in a certain place...but now that these dreams are now tangible and real...I'm nowhere close to being prepared. So, my initial thoughts are:

"Lord. I need you."

The past 2 months aren't a coincidence, but ordained for some purpose.

1 Corinthians 2:9

But as it is written: “ Eye has not seen, nor ear heard
Nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him."

Emphasis on "things [which God has prepared].

1. Healing

I should be dead. The tumor should have grown cancerous and the surgery unsuccessful. But, God had bigger plans for my life. Through a miracle, the MRI came back clear, and gradually, my body is healing itself. My hormone levels are normal and I will be able to have children one day. At the same time I was waiting on my test results, a little girl that my step-dad's job was raising money for, died from a brain tumor that had plagued her body for many years. Why God chose to take her life and spare mine isn't for me to understand...regardless...I owe Him my life, because He saved it.

2. Love

He is everything God knew I would need in a best friend. I see a reflection of God's heart for my life each time he looks at me: without one ounce of pretense, dishonesty, and condition. I've never been in a relationship where we try to outdo one another in love. Never have I felt such a freedom in God's timing [for my love life especially]. Paul says in Philippians 4:12, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."I have known what it is like to suffer in a relationship. To give so much of yourself and getting nothing back. I thank God for those times. Heartache has been my greatest teacher. Not in technique, necessarily, but in having a teachable spirit.

God knows, I have no idea how to love this man.
But I am open to learn. Everyday. For the rest of my days.

3. Leadership=Servanthood

I received the email yesterday announcing that I've been chosen to serve as an Resident Assistant next school year. After getting many congratulations from my peers throughout the day yesterday, an older woman who is in graduate school asked me was I excited. I said, "Uh. It hasn't even hit me yet!!" She laughed and said "Well, it'll hit you tomorrow at the Contract Signing when you sign your life away!" I laughed along with her, but thinking about it later, I realized that my answer to her statement should have been:

"Well, my life is Christ's anyway. So, it shouldn't be too big of an adjustment."

4. Finances

I'm still a broke college student. But if it weren't for the intervention of God, then I would just be broke [minus the college student part]. My financial situation almost prevented me from being able to start my Junior Year in January. But God, again, stepped in and proved that He has the last word in everything. There is truly nothing too hard for Him. Or expensive.

No way $6,148 could break His bank account.