The Way

I have been a Christian since I was a little girl. I remember sitting in church, next to my mom and older brother, and hearing the preacher talk about the love of Jesus Christ. I'd heard many stories in Sunday School and at home about Noah and the Ark, Jonah and the Whale, and Adam and Eve. I even knew about Jesus performing miracles and coming to earth as a little baby. I loved those stories. However, it was something about that preacher's words that made me feel a warm sensation in my chest.

"Jesus loves me"

I knew that my parents loved me. I knew that my cousins and other family members loved me. But I felt that they kinda had to since we were born into the same family. It wasn't inconvenient, but it was obvious that it had to be the norm. But why did Jesus love me enough to give his life?

Why me?

Maybe it is simply a really good story. A metaphor for how life on earth is meant to be. Maybe Jesus is simply a nice teacher who was more of an advocate for universalism than faith in One God. Maybe he didn't resurrect on the third day and his bones are tucked away in Osama Bin Laden's hiding place.Maybe it, like all other religions, are a construction of the intricate human psyche. Or maybe Buddha is just as significant as Jesus who is equal to Muhammad. Maybe god is a figment of my broken imagination. Maybe I am god and don't know it.

I don't have certainty. Philosophically, none of us can be certain of anything. But I have faith that Jesus did come to earth, as God and Man, and died for me out of love and compassion for my sins. So that I can be free in this life and the next. I have faith that that day I prayed to Jesus for the first time, he heard me and answered.

At times, my faith is made tangible. Through an unseen comfort in moments where I faced sorrow, heartache, and despair alone. Certain evidences have appeared in my life that have blatantly hinted at a truth I learned as little girl:

"Jesus loves me"

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
—II Timothy 3:14-17

The Reason For the Season.

Be good to one another.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Unashamed [Quote]

"I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

I have Holy Spirit power.

The dye has been cast, I have stepped over the line.
I am a disciple of His.

I won’t look back,
Let up,
Slow down,
Back away,
or be still.

My past is redeemed.

I am finished with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, and dwarfed goals.

I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.

I now live by faith,
Lean on his presence,
Walk by patience,
Live by prayer,
Labor by power,

My faith is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven.

My road is narrow, my companions are few. My guide reliable, my mission clear.

I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, or delayed.

I will not flinch in face of sacrifice,
Hesitate in the presence of the adversary,
or negotiate at the table of the enemy.

I won’t give up shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up, for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus.

I must go until he comes,
Give till I drop,
Preach until all know, and
Work till he stops me.

And when He comes for His own He will have no problem recognizing me."

-- Worth Dying For

Seasons.

There is a significance that hides within the order of the seasons. Fall was not meant to preceed Spring, nor was Winter supposed to come before Summer. Each transition from one season to the next has scientific and inherent meaning.

The comfort and replenishment of Spring is not meant to last forever, lest the plants be overgrown or the earth be drowned by rain. Likewise, Winter is the necessary length to cease all things, even to the point of death. However, there is the moment when the first budding plant breaks through the melting snow...which is a sign that change is approaching. The seasons are regulated without the influence of man; showing the imminence of our God, who knows and controls all things. Just as we adjust our clothing according to season, we must also submit our lives to the seasons the Lord takes us through. In times of flourishing and in times of famine.

God never promised a continuous summer, but he asks us to stand on His loyalty and long-suffering. Rest your heart with the Sustainer of the Season and not the seasons themselves. Whether you are blinded by the glorious cloudless sky or beaten down by the tumultuous rain, peer beyond and see the Father...who remains Unmoved.

Quote

The wonderful fact about True Things is that your belief in them cannot make them any more true, and your disbelief won't take away from their ability to be True. I seek Jesus in order to be True. That way, affirmation from others becomes appreciated, but optional. --Me

How I Feel. (July Photo Edition)

I only pretended I didn't need anyone.

You, with a Love as gentle as a whisper, found a way into my heart.

Now, I'm not so afraid to let them in anymore.

{1 John 3:16}

Almost (Spoken Word Piece)

The New [Old] Standard.

Guess what? Your way of Love just isn't cutting it.

Be More.

Cop Sho Baraka's newest album, Lions & Liars.

Speak. {Part 1}

For most of my childhood, I thought that my voice was either insignificant or incompetent. I grew up as a soft-spoken soul in the midst of a loud family who needed to shout to get their point across. My peers and I, in grade school, held the belief that the people who talked the loudest/most were heard/reverenced more. I was neither. However, my silence gave me maneuvering abilities. I was able to observe without being noticed, and I witnessed many truths and life lessons. I literally learned through the mistakes of others, and that gave me a bit of wisdom that most teenagers did not have. In a way, it made it easier to stay out of trouble, because I was close enough to see where some paths lead. Superiors and mentors in my life began to take notice. And suddenly, I became an "ideal" teenager; with a clean lifestyle and wisdom, conjointly. Through my silence/docile nature, I had finally been given a voice.


Somewhere around my 21st birthday, I became more and more vocal. Confident in spiritual matters because I'd been groomed to be the leader. The fault-less standard of holiness that others could look up to. The one who not only lived above reproach, but made sure she told everyone else how they should straighten up. I became less afraid of speaking up; and caring less about the consequences. It was liberating, truly. Considering that I was forced to keep silent; be seen and never heard, I took most opportunities to open my heart and mouth and use it as a method to teach and educate others.

My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment. Even so, the tongue is a little member and boasts great things.   --James 3:1,5

 The moment I was given a voice, I also accepted the tendency to be judgmental and haughty. I assumed that I'd been given a gift of oversight to correct others. I was, unknowingly, using a vehicle of condemnation; calling it a gift of teaching. Meanwhile, I myself struggled with correction, and was more condemning to my own heart than anyone else. "This is the way that it has to be, right?" "People won't change unless you give them hard truth and pierce through their emotions!" I think this passage in James says that those who wish to teach must have a clearer sense of grace, empathy, and humility than those they teach. Teachers will be examined more thoroughly, because of the responsibility attached to carry truth to others. If the teachers misuse their role, then people may not receive truth.

Let everyone be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger because the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. -- James 1:19-20

Food Lion+Ingles+Kroger = My Rodeo Drive.

Everytime my mother calls, she'll ask the same question:"You got enough food in your fridge? You getting enough to eat?" Lately, I find myself fussing over my boyfriend more and more when he tells me that he hasn't eaten all day. The first thing I do when I travel back home to my parents' house (after resting my bags in my old room) is look in the refrigerator. And not necessarily because I'm hungry, but it somehow helps me guage how well my parents are doing financially.

I'm starting to notice a trend...

I connect a sense of well-being with the amount of food I have direct access to.

I am not proud to admit this...but the last month and a half of the past fall semester, I stole food from the dining hall on campus. Because of the campus dining plan I chose, I could only visit the dining hall 5 times a week. Plus, I had ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY. Granted, I had shelter, hot water, electricity, and a warm bed. Thankfully, I didn't owe my university any money. But the miniature fridge tucked underneath my bed had a jar of applesauce and a couple bottles of water in it. Life, momentarily, sucked. However, it's strange to me that the moment I received a bit of money, the first thing I thought of to buy was food. I was elated that I could go to the grocery store and get groceries to last me a whole month instead of a pair of cute boots...or skinny jeans from American Eagle. And whenever my fridge was stocked to capacity, with a overloaded bin of snacks sitting next to it, I could care less that the bottoms of my AE ballet flats are starting to wear thin, or that my jeans are outdated. Or that I can fit my entire wardrobe in one suitcase, even.
 
In the smallest amount feasible, I understand what it's like to not know where you're next meal is coming from. But there are people in other countries, children especially, who go days...weeks without food. Americans see economic status based on the types/quality of clothes a person wears, but true poverty is found within a man. Also, there are almost 13000 McDonald's running in America, with 2000 more than open every year. Americans are the most unhealthy, wasteful people as a group. 25% of the food Americans eat is thrown away.

We think that being blessed is what we drive, wear, and possess. Christians, even, think sometimes that what Jesus meant in John 10:10 equates to material possessions. Granted, He never clarifies, but I'm sure it wasn't physical wealth. There are many people in this world, on a daily basis, that go without basic needs.  We should be content (which is not the same as settling) with what we have.

There is no greater satisfaction than a full stomach.



*Dedicated to broke college students.

Learn The Lesson.

"Life is a long lesson in humility." -- James Matthew Barrie

We live in the age of the Hater, where we place emphasis on having victory over odds and others. From birth, we are taught to pursue what we want in life, and that the most important opinion is our own. The toughest heart is girded to hold to the belief that you can only count on yourself. You are all you have. Even religious-minded people hold similar thoughts: "Trust no man, only God." " Only God can judge me."  Circumstances, which are meant to chip away the hardness of our hearts, only add to the boulder on our shoulders. Overall, it's puzzling to me why we end up choosing to grasp tighter to ourselves, instead of letting go. Is it that we think we'll end up losing ourselves at the end of it all? But that's impossible.

We are who we are.

When God created us, He didn't just mold our outer shells. He also placed an inner nature deep inside. That, which is "in His image". But, as the story goes, we believed a lie and took on another, false nature. True love is self-sacrificing, but we are taught that love is indicative on how a person makes us feel. We weren't created to deny our feelings, or be led by them. Yet, God knew that a passionate heart, tainted by a sinful nature would equal disaster. Which is why we, as human beings, are in a constant, ever-abounding need of an ego check.

All of us. From Hitler to Mother Theresa.

Our society desires to keep us occupied on the dissension that lies between us, instead of the real battle that's going on. I'm not downplaying hurt, rejection, or any of the other forms of heartache that one can endure in a lifetime. However, we are taught that the remedy is to increase your self-love. That if you'd simply love yourself more, it will help you make sense of all you've been through. But, that is incomplete.

It's amazing the point of reference you have when you take the stance of a servant.

Grown, Part 2: Heart

I spent most of my "girl-hood" stuck in a perpetual state of playing house. Only brave enough to muse over my dreams and desires for love. As a girl, I never considered what I needed to become as those dreams and desires transitioned into reality. I wanted Love, and I thought that I would be in a state of life-long bliss and inner fulfillment once it arrived. That little girl forgot about the sort of heart needed in order to catch, keep, and cultivate Love.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

As a girl in relationships, I gave my heart without question. I prematurely opened myself to the great ideal I worshiped. I caught a hint of potential and attempted to form it with my own tiny hands into what I thought I wanted. I was blind to the fact that what I needed was unlike anything I'd seen on TV or even in my own house. It was a craving for a unique Love that I knew well but was also estranged to. Once I realized that limited, earthly affection was never meant to fulfill that need, I was able to conclude what the heart (with all of its desires) was created for.

Imagine suffering such great disappointment on a consistent basis; serving as a reminder that you will never be loved like you desired. Looking all around for the source of True Love that didn't seem to want to be found. Suddenly, you look inside and notice that you had the Source all along. He was the Comforter that held you close as your heart broke for the thousandth time. He felt every sting of rejection and disapproval you've ever felt. He compassionately dried every tear, and waited patiently while suffering through the greatest Unrequited Love story that has ever taken place.

Christ waited for me to see that He is my Source, and that my heart was His home. I was to guard that dwelling place because giving it to those undeserving would be abandoning my First Love. Trading in gold for a clump of dirt. It isn't until the day that I exchange my heart with another that I can free my heart. And I have to keep preparing myself for that day, because it could be closer than I think.
I mean, I am grown after all....

No Longer a Bridesmaid...

I loved to play dress up as a little girl.

I can picture myself placing my tiny feet into my mother’s high heels, draping her long dresses over my small body, and pretending that I was a kind mother or a strong wife. My favorite character to play dress up in was a bride on her wedding day. I clearly recall my mother pulling out her wedding dress from the back of her closet; carefully removing it from its clear, plastic bag and smoothing out the impressed wrinkles. She would gaze retrospectively at the dress; recalling how she felt on that day. I have had many talks with her, as well as many young women, about my anticipation towards wearing this special garment myself one day. No matter my relationship status, I possess a secret desire to don this piece of clothing that represents honor, beauty, and grace.

I’m surrounded by a culture that marries young, and I have yet to make significant strides towards that walk down the aisle. Somewhere around the entrance of my 24th birthday, I began to get slightly depressed about how distant I am from getting married. I talk frequently with 21 and 22 year olds who have recently tied the knot, and they (though enduring their share of problems that come along with getting married young) seem to be so grounded in their Love for one another. A part of me feels like I haven’t earned this privilege yet; the privilege of being committed to. That despite the hardships that are promised with being in Love, I haven’t arrived at the level to where I can wear that beautiful wedding dress and declare that I have someone who wants to Love me unconditionally. I can only be one of the bridesmaids; those who can celebrate and advocate for Love, but cannot relate to the demonstration taking place between the Groom and his Bride.

Participating in the celebration, but unable to take ownership of this Love.

Revelation 19:7-8 (English Standard Version)
7Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;
8it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

I have been so enamored by the timing that I will wear a physical wedding dress, that I have forgotten that I am already clothed. I am adorned in my spirit with grace, beauty, and honor through His salvation and holiness. My spiritual linens are pure and white, and every day my heart is being prepared for the day that He (my Groom) will return for me. Each moment that I commune with Him, I am reminded that before any man decides to declare his lifelong Love to me, I already hold the promise to “Love, honor, and protect” from God. Eternally. He has always loved me. He is my First Love. I am already a Bride….His. There is no “until death, do us part” in my Groom and I’s vows.

I am His now, and for always.

All.

I took a Psychology of Religion course a couple of semesters ago; where we surveyed each major world religion. It was incredibly informative and I left with not only a knowledge of other faiths, but a confirmed foundation of my own Faith. I know most people are wary of the topic "religion", but I wanted to explain its role in my life.

I grew up in church, basically. Knew the stories of Noah, Abraham, and Jesus before I mastered my times tables. By 17, I could quote scripture, and even taught lessons for youth and prison inmates. At some point in my late adolescence, I finally mentally understood that there was something to religion that surpassed deeds. I felt something tugging at the strings of my heart.

I thought, mind you, that I was doing okay. I'd overcome depression, suicidal thoughts, a broken home, and the death of my brother...all without the depth of spirituality. Right? Why would a young woman, coming into her own and realizing her identity, need to grow closer to the God of her faith? I mean, I was a good, well-mannered teen. I volunteered places, didn't curse, smoke, or drink, and I was a virgin. I'd done all I could to be a good person, so what else is there?

As soon as I graduated high school, things started to happen. In me and around me.

Example:
I watched the church that I grew up in become more and more occultish and spiritually manipulative. Disunity ensued and people begin to stop attending. Families were broken a part. Those who stayed either began to take on the attitude of the leadership (by demonizing or shunning those who left), or became helplessly subjected to the others. My family was the latter. I struggled in my faith, but stayed and served on many ministries at the church. Saw/heard things that rocked me to my core. Witnessed ungodly, unethical, and illegal practices that made me question the sovereignty of the God of my faith. My life became like clay to my church leaders, and decisions that I made were guided by their counsel. Those church splits and that ministry as a whole has deeply wounded many people. Some of which have completely seperated themselves from Christianity. I considered it.

I remember numerous dark nights where I yelled and screamed at God; asking Him where was He when all of this was happening...or when my parents' marriage was crumbling...or while my brother lay on the side of the road dying...

Instead of getting an explanation from God, I recieved understanding. Now usually, an explanation or a reason for an event will give us understanding. But this time, I gained understanding (not right away) without getting a literal answer. But I had to be willing to want the understanding...

I could not be the same teenager who looked at my faith as a classification. Or a check-box on a job application. Because there is more. It is more.
It wasn't enough to give a percentage of my heart to God. Or my mental understanding. He wanted more. But how much exactly?

All.

This has been the test of my entire life. And it continues to be.
Every trial and circumstance has been to make me stronger, better, and wiser...but also to draw my heart closer to His.

I am only 23 years old...so there isn't much that I know for sure about love and life. But there is one thing that I am absolutely sure of: God loves me.

This is my testimonial. Of what it is meant by "Not a religion, but a relationship."

Let it Go.

I've figured out that the worst thing I can do for any circumstance or issue in my life, is to try and fix it myself. Normally, I'll go through a trecherous cycle of:

Step 1: Analyzing it
Step 2: Mapping out possible results
Step 2b: Rehashing on the worse-case-scenario
Step 3: Worrying
Step 4: Asking people not involved to pray for me
Step 5: Acting based on my certainty of the issue's outcome
It usually goes like this. But I usually either overthink it, or mess the whole thing up by the time I get to Step #5. And it's odd because I know that there's a better way.

Especially in relationships. There is a certain level of control that I'd like to maintain if I am going to be in a relationship with a guy. I'll exercise the tendency to keep a close eye on where the relationship is headed...and if need be, steer it myself. I don't let heartache catch me off guard.

But my current love is completely different. I am involved in the most unique "friendlationship" of my whole life. [I use "friendlationship" because we're on a break...if you're a follower of my blog then you're already aware of this.] We are colleagues in an art (Spoken word/poetry) that is becoming like a campus ministry, we graduated with the same major, we have the same passions and pursuits in life, etc. When I realized that I loved him...my mind dashed to the alter. Today, we are close friends concentrating on our individual lives; away from the daily distractions that being in a serious relationship can bring.

Whenever I feel myself becoming too occupied with the state of this friendship...I can feel God reminding me to give it to Him. Step #4 involves me asking for others to pray for me, but I usually don't need prayer -- simply the strength to obey. It's like He has to consistantly pry my firm grip off of this beautifully wrapped box labeled "The Future". (God has taught me patience in these 4 months.)

I've recently had to deal with some issues about me, the guy, and another girl that is closer to him than I'd like. I'd become unsure about how she really feels about him, and that made me uneasy. So, after being backed into an emotional corner early yesterday, I finally said,

"Okay, Lord. I give up. I'm letting it go..."

About 8 hours later: I recieved a text from the boy (he's away working at a summer camp); telling me exactly what I needed to hear. The fear that was I trying to maneuver myself; went away.

And it happened when I decided to let it go.

The True Meaning of Christmas.

There is a lot of aspects about the holiday season that I despise. And there are parts that I look forward to every year. But, the thing that saddens me the most isn't that we've replaced a Newborn Christ with a fictional Santa Claus, it's that those who know the true significance of the holiday make no room for Him. We say the same thing that the dozens of innkeepers said to His parents that same night: "There's no room in the inn." We stuff the Savior of the world into a stuffy, dirty barn filled with smelly animals. We think the King of the Universe isn't precious enough to have the best. Instead of being born and placed in royal linens and given the treatment of a King, we afford Him only a used feeding trough and a soiled cloth. Doesn't He deserve more. Doesn't he deserve our best? For who He is alone, doesn't he deserve the Palace of our heart...and not the barn?

As you celebrate this holiday season, with all of its glitter and chaos...make sure that Jesus is at the center of it all. This holiday, like all holidays are to commemorate something important...Christmas is about Christ. Let us be thankful that although He came through humble means...He DID COME. For one purpose: to save Mankind. Remember this, and let it permeate our hearts throughout this season and into the new year.

Happy & Blessed Holidays to you and yours...

Enjoy reading one of my favorite Christmas carols...

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Only.Me.For Him.

Periodically I look at a picture of myself (like the one above, for example) and I ask the question: Who is this girl....really?

Question of the decade. Haha.
There were times where it drew blank stares. Grimaces. And sarcastic laughs.
If I were to ask those closest to me...they would give only a resume of my talents.
Others: a long list of likes, dislikes, and moods.
I dare no one would come closer to the truth than my mother...
...but even SHE would miss the essence by a mile.
No one spends more time with me...than me...so how is it that I've spent most of my lifetime stumped by this question?

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. "~Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905

I haven't been living a lie. More so I have been chasing one.
Absorbing the light of others and ignoring the steady flicker placed inside of my own soul.
Believing that if I impacted enough lives and spoke the right words that God would give me the acceptance that He has already offered. And promised.

Somewhere in the shuffle of the crowd I let go of His hand. So I tugged on endless shirttails asking, "Have you seen my Daddy?" Surely these nice people could help me find Him. But, the sounds of their directions/questions drowned out the voice of my Father calling for me. In losing Him, I lost me. But, it is thrilling how crystal clear my [true and redeemed] heart is when it has the light of His Glory shining on it...

1. I sing at the top of my lungs; getting lost in the melody and emotion. Carefree and joyous. A true lover of music.
2. I write from the depths of my soul. In whatever form it happens to flow into. Not for acclaim. And never for approval. Content takes precedence over grammar.
3. I am two opposites joined. Yin and Yang within myself. A more envious form of Bipolar. A healthier version of a Manic-Depressive. I am noisy and I am silence. I am serious and I am humorous. I am introverted and I am bold. I am cautious and I am fearless. Tender and Intense. I am high-top converse's and I am high heels. I am pink ribbons and black nail polish.
4. I believe in Truth. And Beauty. And Love. And I will guard them ferociously.
5. I am the Apple of My Father God's eye. He gave His life for me, and I owe Him my everything. His sacrifice tells me that I am special to Him.
6.. I am still learning. The color on my wings growing more vivacious, the smile on my face increasing in mystery. Look into my eyes and see that I've got a secret.

Now...look at that picture again...

The Church of Oprah???

Comments are always welcome.

True Satisfaction Comes When...

...you learn to be content.

Paul said it best..."I have learned that whatever state I am in...to be content. I have lived in lack and in abundance; known hunger and fullness." (Philippians 4:11-12)

This week God has reminded me how blessed I am. I wish for you, reader, to sit for a moment and reflect on your blessings. If you are reading this, then that means you have breath in your lungs, you have the activity of your eyesight to read this, and you are, in fact at a computer or laptop...making you wealthier than 75% of the rest of the world.

You have somewhere to lay your head tonight, you can stand outside and yell "I love Jesus Christ!!" and not have to worry about an assassin's bullet ending your life. You have a choice of whether to eat at the dining hall tonight or make a run to Taco Bell instead, when 3 out of 4 children in the world have no idea where their next meal will come from.

I know that we are all "broke college students" here...but I think we take this statement too far; overemphasizing our "economic status". So what if you aren't able to get those pair of shoes you saw at the mall, or you have to cut back to one movie a month instead of one every weekend? (God bless the dollar theater.) That makes no difference in light of the suffering most people in the world endure on a regular basis.

So...with all that said. Take a few seconds RIGHT NOW...and thank God.
He deserves it.



All glory and honor and praise to our Father. I love you Lord.