Hill City Bride :)

So.

I'm getting married in 295 days.
...this may come as a huge surprise to many of my readers, considering I haven't posted in months. Needless to say, lots has happened since my last blog entry. But I'm positive we will have considerable time to go over all of the details.

...for now. I've compiled a variety of websites to help me in this process from betrothed to wife.
Hill City Bride is one of those resources.
Their current giveaway, a book entitled "When Me Becomes We", will help my fiance and I with a huge hurdle:
Decorating the love nest. [muffled giggles]

Wish me luck! :)

Here's the link:
Hill City Bride Giveaway

Beware the Allure of Spring

It was a ripe 85 degrees today.

I live in an area where the weather tends to be a bit unpredictable. Tomorrow may be clammy and peaking in the 50s. You never know. Regardless, it is definitely spring time. My college campus is filled with bright eyes and colors, shorter dresses and Docker cargo shorts. The general sense of well-being is higher, because the climax of spring gives hints to the coming of summer. My peers and I wanting to track star through finals, sell the tattered couch in our apartments that we're soon to be leaving, and prepare for another summer adventure.

Love is definitely in a challenging mode. People are either planning summer weddings or looking to get out of their current situations. For those of us who aren't at least engaged, being single during the heightened time of the year is promising. No one wants to be held down during the summer, right? The last thing you want is for your boyfriend to call you every night the week you are para-sailing down in the Cape with your Ladies Bible Study group. Freedom is a beautiful thing, isn't it? And for every one person that clamored near Thanksgiving to find a Winter boo to exchange hellos under mistletoe by Christmastime, two are fleeing love in the opposite direction, towards the call of summer's heat and sense of adventure.

Can't say that I blame these track stars....Summertime is usually a tough time for relationships.

Maybe I'm paranoid. It has been my experience that I will return to routine in late August with a new betrayal to deal with.

...anyway...I digress...

I encourage adventure. I have a deep, gut feeling that my life is destined to be an adventure. And I wouldn't dare desire to keep this kind of existence from anyone.

But, I want to give a word of caution, whether you are single or taken. Be cautious of the pull of this season. Make sure that your desire for adventure doesn't lead to you hurting someone who stuck with you through hard times. If you think it is a good time for a clean break, then do this sensibly. Know yourself.

Remember that people, although sometimes undependable, are not to be like seasons, because seasons are always changing.

Patience

Hm.

Another friend of mine is engaged. Happily engaged. And I am forced to do that "mind thing" where I remind myself that it's okay that it's not me. Because I love him, and he loves me back. I trust that he, and more importantly, God, has a great, unique, taylor-made plan just for us. I'd rather wait another 10 years, enduring a seemingly endless dating purgatory than to do things too soon.



I'm okay.

See You Later, Darling...

I still get sad when he leaves.
Not all the time, and not in a way that cripples me.
But I do dread that moment when he shifts in his seat, checks the time on his phone, and says,
"I think I'm going to get ready to head home."

I'll admit it.
My heart sinks a tad.

Yes, I know that it won't be long before I see him again.
And I have that first hug/touch/smile to look forward to...

Still.
Seeing him walk/drive away isn't always fun.
I think I'm dealing with the "see you later" becoming a possible "goodbye".
Sure, that's pretty pessimistic/paranoid, but it only takes losing someone once without warning to get you thinking about the moments you're allowed to have with those you love.
There are times where I wish he'd come back for one more hug. One last look into my eyes to subliminally tell him that I thank God for him.

I'm not sure how it became the norm, but every time he drops me off at my house, he will wait until I get my key into the door, for it to open, and for me to turn to look at him sitting in his car...before he waves at me. And I'll wave back.

He does that every time.
And that wave isn't frantic like a "goodbye" (you know, how you see at the end of movies...), but it's a subtle, unconscious "see you later". Which is why that first hug/touch/smile is so electric to me. It's like God gave us a gift in the form of a fulfilled "see you later".

Because none of us knows if we will every see anyone later, right?

And One For All...

Love is the most beautiful gift that God affords humanity this side of heaven. It can be tangibly seen, touched, and affect every area of your life…many times without your permission. Rarely, you will have the object of your affection in front of you, and you’re afforded the great privilege of expressing exactly what’s on your heart to them. You are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in sync with another human being and are immediately (if only momentarily) able to understand why God surrounds you with people so unlike but identical to yourself. To be one of two hearts in a consistent exchange of positive regard and unconditional care. And it is beautiful because it feels right and familiar somehow…

But what of those moments where things have gotten so out of control that we look around and wonder how Love became a catalyst for such unrest and pain? What is the answer when men overstep their commitment barriers or when a woman abuses her lover’s trust? What of the victims of gossip, manipulation, and one-sided friendships? The heart that always gives but never receives anything in return…where can love be naturally applied? I am a living, breathing testimony that Jesus is the source for all healing when you’ve suffered heartache at the hands of those you love. He is truly all you need. However, what are we commanded to do with the deep, God-given, inner desire for camaraderie and acceptance? Are we to generalize our dependence on the Father by disconnecting with each other? Or is it that a part of our communion with the Father is directly connected to our bond with each other?

Even before the Fall, God declared that it’s “incomplete” that man is alone. Adam had God all to himself…and even still he was incomplete. Not quite finished. Loved and the most precious part of His creation, but still lacking an important element: a companion. Someone like him, but unique enough to exist as a separate person. Why did God take out a part of an incomplete man (his rib) to make him complete? I feel that He wants us to remember that we weren’t always separated.

I’m thinking that forgiveness and trust is not only for the wounded heart, nor for the transgressor, but for the bond broken. For the good of us all, and not just individuals. The moment I become especially distant from the hearts that divinely pump life around me, the more the voice of my own self-interest drowns out the gentle whisper of our Lord. Love can be horrible. Confusing. And the ultimate test of our lives designed to connect us deeper and stronger to each other, and ultimately, to God the Father. I am not proposing that walking away should never be an option, but we should never forget that we are human beings. And we need each other.

Running for Dear Life. (Feelings in Figurative Speech)

I am a fugitive. 

Desperately fleeing the snares that pursue me. Nipping at the back 2 inches of my heels, I breathe deep and pound my feet harder. So swift sometimes, I am, that I no longer feel the ground. No matter if it's land or sea, my pace is so rapid that I maneuver my steps on the water's surface. My heartbeat throbs with fear, mixed with a desperation to keep my soul in tact. At times, my foot catches a blade of grass or my knees buckle from sudden pressure...but through my stumbling I fling my body further ahead. No need to look back because I know well what hounds me. And I run because it had me in its clutches before, and I dare not let it seize me again. Dear Lord, not again...

Dream Girl. (A List)

I am 24 and are still considered an unmarried woman.  I've made plenty of mistakes, but have gained a bit of wisdom in the process. Granted, some of this list is pretty obvious, but you'd be surprised how often we've/I've intentionally did the opposite.

1. Keep your priorities straight. Despite popular opinion, a relationship for an unmarried person should be at about 4th or 5th on the list. With God being 1st, family 2nd, academics 3rd, and work/life goals 4th. A man can tell if he is too high (or too low) on your priority list.
2. Don't reveal too much, too soon. This applies to anything regarding intimate pieces of your Self. I can't tell you how many girls I've known that were heartbroken over a guy they've only known (not dated, known) for 6 months. Enjoy the process. And if you're trying to keep up with other couples, then you're probably going too fast.
3. Value yourself, completely by yourself. Solitude is a beautiful thing, and is valuable even in relationships. If you're waiting for a person to make you feel whole, then you're setting yourself up for consistent disappointment. Plus, the time spent away will rejuvenate you and enrich the time you have with the other person.
4. Learn to let your hair down. First of all, this requires you to be comfortable in your own skin. Many women make the mistake of over-primping themselves when they know they'll see their significant other. If you are serious about this man, show him you AS IS. This applies to the soul, as well. I know that you're a strong, powerful woman, but learn to let that wall down...one brick at a time.
5. Do some revision of that "must have" list. Sometimes our high expectations can be hazardous...in any relationship. Be wise, but gracious of others humanity. A man who feels safe to be himself is sure to give you the love you desire.
6. Learn to cook. (If you're not much of a cook, at least master the basics.)
7. Be competitive, not docile. Meaning, don't just let him win the basketball game. A man, though his ego may be bruised, loves it when his woman makes him step his game up. And engaging in any physical or competitive sport is always a good thing to share in a relationship.
8. Have a sense of humor, and a hearty laugh. Those cute giggles will get annoying because they're not genuine. Stop coaxing his ego by laughing at his wack jokes. Instead, use a healthy amount of sarcasm. He'll be pleasantly surprised at your wit...because it keeps him on his toes. Which men like.
9. Have a hobby or skill that he doesn't. It's good to share talents, but he'll appreciate that you're cultivating some other passion a part from his input. 
10. Have an open mind. You don't know everything...so don't pretend you've got all the answers. This attitude will turn you into the classic "nag" that helps make a loveless marriage.

Love & War

After much self-inspection, I am still not sure exactly how I survived the past 16 months. While I am grateful that a Being more sovereign than I saw fit to accompany me every step of the way, acting as a guide/protector, I am still taking inventory of all that my heart has endured. Years ago, I would have submerged myself into a vat of self-pity labeled "Victim-mentality", but with 25 less than 3 months away...I'm finding a different perspective. On what it means to live. Truly live. But foremost, on how to truly love.

One cannot be sure how strong the bond is between two people unless it has been tested. Taken through a variety of turmoil and even betrayal. However, I feel that it isn't just the strength of the love that's stressed, but the power of the Will of each person. At any moment after a betrayal or crisis, only one person is needed to decide not to continue. To be committed to another person is the weightiest vow a human being can give, because he/she knows that love alone just isn't enough.  We gladly give our lives (and rightfully so) to the notion of possessing love. To give ourselves completely to it. We innately desire to be disassembled by its ways; changing us from the inside out. Then, we realize that intense feelings can be duplicated from person to person. The addicting high that comes with connecting with another person can be experienced repeatedly (as you move from person to person)..and we can feed off of the excitement of an individual's mystery for years. The Love is there, but the Will has not yet taken the reigns.

The first time I fell in love, it ended because he slept with another woman. After 2 years of dating, we had just begun to get to know each other. It was my first adult relationship and we both knew early that we wanted it to lead to marriage. We were insanely in love and it drove our lives. I had just gotten over a 5 year crush/fling that left me empty and afraid. I was war-torn. I can remember the first time he held me, because it was the first time I'd ever been held like that by a man. I was intrigued and enamored by him. So, we allowed ourselves to be caught up in the ebb and flow of our love; with nothing else sustaining us. In retrospect, I believe that we could have worked it out. We could have taken this season of war and used it to strengthen a love that was already present. But we did not.

I allowed that relationship to form my original philosophy on relationships: Love is a Choice.

Afterward, I stopped being afraid of enduring war in Love. I realized it was necessary, and a testing agent to how strong the Love is. Currently, I am still in awe of how much stronger my heart is now. Because it had been broken, subtly and repeatedly. Others have broken it intentionally. However, my Love for my Beloved is so much stronger than it was 16 months ago. My choice to love him is as fiery and passionate as a summer fling, but it's girded with the stuff that allows Love to see its golden years.

The New [Old] Standard.

Guess what? Your way of Love just isn't cutting it.

Be More.

Cop Sho Baraka's newest album, Lions & Liars.

192 hours.

For the past 8 days, loving him has been like enduring open heart surgery without anesthesia. Metaphorically speaking, of course.  All of my theories and convictions about love are undergoing great scrutiny, and sometimes I can't tell my heart from my head. On a brighter note, they are finally starting to come to an agreement: Love is a gorgeous mess.

For the past 3 years (almost), I've been one of three corners in a technical love triangle of friendlationship. (Yes, friendlationship is friendship + relationship. Hear that, Webster?) Infidelity was avoided, but I still ended up being the victim of betrayal. Ultimately, my desire was to keep this out of the blogworld until time created a healthy amount of distance between the confession and the pain that ensued. However, my words provide me healing. Hopefully, it will give my readers the same benefit.

If you read between the lines of my love and I's story, then you will see annotations of another significant bond in his life. This bond, while purposeful in its valuing of genuine friendship, carried the weight of the "What If". Granted, it was incapable of stunting the progression of passion between my love and I. Nonetheless, the fantasy of potential was fed, subtly...until the moment it was strong enough to take on a life of its own. This significant moment fell parallel with the season we took a breather from The Title, mind you. I think the instant I knew that I loved someone who had questionable feelings for someone else, I realized that it would always be the three of us. The night I held his confession letter, I was escorted back to that night I saw him holding her from the reflection of my darkened computer screen. It felt like deja-vu, almost. Although I didn't understand why my heart felt heavy that night so long ago, the rush of past connecting with the present gave me clarity. And it only took me a second to track through every conversation, each moment I quieted the sickening feeling in my gut, and every instance I forced myself to trust him.

My love and I are well on our way to recovery and reconciliation. However, my interaction with the third corner is in a peculiar place. I know most would say that reaching out to her is unnecessary, but my heart beckoned me to. She is peculiar to me, because I'm told that she places only a feather's weight on what happened. Therefore, my attempts to reconcile seem to come off annoying and juvenile....and she is well within her rights to ignore me and my heart. Although it pains me, I will shake the metaphorical dust off of my feet and try to repair and rebuild. I am allergic to dysfunction, but I will not run from it. I'll choose, instead, to war with it.

My love is actively working to gain my trust back. As with the third corner, she sees no point in responding to my extension of forgiveness. No worries, though. I have her scent; matched with a keen sense of smell.

**Update (March 22, 2010): I've talked to the third corner and from our conversation, I've gained closure about her.

Love's Day. (A Letter)

Dear Everyone,

You are Loved. Always have been, and always will be. 

Celebrate, on this, your day.

Love,

God

Grown, Part 2: Heart

I spent most of my "girl-hood" stuck in a perpetual state of playing house. Only brave enough to muse over my dreams and desires for love. As a girl, I never considered what I needed to become as those dreams and desires transitioned into reality. I wanted Love, and I thought that I would be in a state of life-long bliss and inner fulfillment once it arrived. That little girl forgot about the sort of heart needed in order to catch, keep, and cultivate Love.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

As a girl in relationships, I gave my heart without question. I prematurely opened myself to the great ideal I worshiped. I caught a hint of potential and attempted to form it with my own tiny hands into what I thought I wanted. I was blind to the fact that what I needed was unlike anything I'd seen on TV or even in my own house. It was a craving for a unique Love that I knew well but was also estranged to. Once I realized that limited, earthly affection was never meant to fulfill that need, I was able to conclude what the heart (with all of its desires) was created for.

Imagine suffering such great disappointment on a consistent basis; serving as a reminder that you will never be loved like you desired. Looking all around for the source of True Love that didn't seem to want to be found. Suddenly, you look inside and notice that you had the Source all along. He was the Comforter that held you close as your heart broke for the thousandth time. He felt every sting of rejection and disapproval you've ever felt. He compassionately dried every tear, and waited patiently while suffering through the greatest Unrequited Love story that has ever taken place.

Christ waited for me to see that He is my Source, and that my heart was His home. I was to guard that dwelling place because giving it to those undeserving would be abandoning my First Love. Trading in gold for a clump of dirt. It isn't until the day that I exchange my heart with another that I can free my heart. And I have to keep preparing myself for that day, because it could be closer than I think.
I mean, I am grown after all....

Maxwell's cover of MJ's "Lady in My Life"

Thanks to Ms. Jonesin Eb for this one...

As Always....He is the Last Thing I Think of...

It's something about that initial contact.

That moment.
I mean, we exist a part from each others sights consistently.
It could be days before we are next to each other, and that doesn't make me question whether or not I am on his mind...Like he is on mine...
I don't wonder if the love is fading, because I feel that the exact opposite is true.

Still.
It's something about that first hug. The "hello" in his hand grabbing mine.
The second his fingertips graze my cheek.
I anticipate the electricity but am still caught off guard at the point of impact.
Sometimes, I want to go through intentional bouts of long distant agony, so that I experience his touch at maximum strength.

It's love.
I know.
But in that moment, it's as if I've always known...but not quite enough.
I missed a detail. A hidden, minuscule portion of the obvious.
That contact overwhelms my awareness.
And if doubt could ever manage it's way into my heart, it could never be then.
In that moment.
...There's just no room.

Out In the Cold.

Love subjects you to the worse kinds of treatment. It is literally a call to submit one's will to that of another. That may mean forgiving an offense quickly. Biting your tongue when misunderstood. Embrace when you're not ready to. Love never looks out for itself...it is constantly, intentionally self-less.

Easier said than done.

Oh, it's quite easy to give your last dime when you don't have any issues standing in the way of you and the person in need. It's pretty effortless to give Love in the middle of June, on a gorgeous beach...as you and your baby stretch out next to one another; picking out clouds and deciphering their shapes.

Sure.

But, to me, Love is the dead of winter. Two embittered people stung by circumstance and hovering together underneath one umbrella...Meanwhile the harsh cold winds blow and the stinging snow comes down unmercifully. There is a chance for survival, because they are in it together. There will be times where the other person will slow his/her pace. Or get weary. And will need encouragement and a strong arm to hold them up. Soon, it may be your own feet that drag from the journey in the cold. Love knows that it will die without exercise or freedom of movement. So, in the cold it moves as much as it possibly can...

But what if there's only one person? A solitary soul...out in the cold.

"...if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?"
--Ecclesiastes 4:11

What happens to a person that has no other to keep him/her warm? To aid him/her along in the journey? Always possessing the Source/Creator of Love, but having no one to exercise Love to? Or having a body to keep warm, but receiving no warmth themselves in return? How does a heart survive without true empathy, selflessness, and kindness?

How long will that soul travel the streets before someone stops to join him/her?

Simple Truth.

I can be irrational and difficult.
Moody and over-analytical.
Guide issues of the heart with the logic in my head.
Sometimes I will use too many seconds doubting and not enough of them noticing the way he looks at me.
But simply....still...he loves me.
And the feeling is completely and utterly...
Mutual.

Love Musings.

1. It isn't until he sees her laugh at another guy's joke, or say hello to him while making direct eye contact, that he considers maybe bachelorhood wasn't as wonderful as he thought. For a second, he thinks that possibly...he had it good for a little while.

2. Single people long to be in a relationship. Married people secretly wish for their single or courtship days. Widowers mourn over lost lovers. It's a harsh reality: love is hard.

3. I am amazed at how discontent we are with one another's humanity in relationships. Truthfully, everyone wants someone that they can rest their hat and coat with. To be faced with their plain face, morning breath, and grumpy moods...and still consider them worth keeping around.

4. Speaking of plain faces: I make it a habit of not wearing make-up regularly when dating a guy. Simply because I want him to make sure he sees what he's getting.

5. Anyone deciding to chase after love must be prepared to endure a triathlon. Love tends to involve various disciplines and demands eclectic skill. It isn't just running for great distances, but a trek across land and sea.

6. I still wonder what he is thinking when he looks at me....

7. "Love at first sight"....but what about Mothers and unborn babies? Love transcends sight, I think.

No Longer a Bridesmaid...

I loved to play dress up as a little girl.

I can picture myself placing my tiny feet into my mother’s high heels, draping her long dresses over my small body, and pretending that I was a kind mother or a strong wife. My favorite character to play dress up in was a bride on her wedding day. I clearly recall my mother pulling out her wedding dress from the back of her closet; carefully removing it from its clear, plastic bag and smoothing out the impressed wrinkles. She would gaze retrospectively at the dress; recalling how she felt on that day. I have had many talks with her, as well as many young women, about my anticipation towards wearing this special garment myself one day. No matter my relationship status, I possess a secret desire to don this piece of clothing that represents honor, beauty, and grace.

I’m surrounded by a culture that marries young, and I have yet to make significant strides towards that walk down the aisle. Somewhere around the entrance of my 24th birthday, I began to get slightly depressed about how distant I am from getting married. I talk frequently with 21 and 22 year olds who have recently tied the knot, and they (though enduring their share of problems that come along with getting married young) seem to be so grounded in their Love for one another. A part of me feels like I haven’t earned this privilege yet; the privilege of being committed to. That despite the hardships that are promised with being in Love, I haven’t arrived at the level to where I can wear that beautiful wedding dress and declare that I have someone who wants to Love me unconditionally. I can only be one of the bridesmaids; those who can celebrate and advocate for Love, but cannot relate to the demonstration taking place between the Groom and his Bride.

Participating in the celebration, but unable to take ownership of this Love.

Revelation 19:7-8 (English Standard Version)
7Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;
8it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

I have been so enamored by the timing that I will wear a physical wedding dress, that I have forgotten that I am already clothed. I am adorned in my spirit with grace, beauty, and honor through His salvation and holiness. My spiritual linens are pure and white, and every day my heart is being prepared for the day that He (my Groom) will return for me. Each moment that I commune with Him, I am reminded that before any man decides to declare his lifelong Love to me, I already hold the promise to “Love, honor, and protect” from God. Eternally. He has always loved me. He is my First Love. I am already a Bride….His. There is no “until death, do us part” in my Groom and I’s vows.

I am His now, and for always.

7 Months.19 days.13 hours.

I've reasoned around it, armed my heart with logic and understanding, and convinced myself countless times that our break from each other is healthy. Needed.
But I've sat and surveyed the past 7 months, 19 days, and 13 hours, and I've tried to make sense of a couple things:

• Most things between us stayed the same, relationally.
• Every time I bring up our relationship, you get tense and/or frustrated.
• The night I attempted to discard all ties from you, you became distraught.
  
• My love for you has grown since the day we decided to take a break.
• Why exactly you continually need a break.
• You're aware that you're hurting me, and yet you still do it.
  

In the event that we do get back together, what happens then?
We can change our FB status back to "In a relationship"....but, what else? We won't hang out more often than we do now....my heart will still thump ferociously when you appear...my mind will still go to the moon when you hug me or touch me.

What am I doing?
What should I do?

Just....just say it, already...

I don't think he knows that I'm speaking the same phrase to him.
Repeatedly. The last time more emphatically than the one before.
Every. thing. that I do....repeats that phrase to him: The way I smile extra wide when he's around...to let him know that I am happier in the moment. How quickly I give. And give. And give. And receive when he manages to give. The way I glance in his direction & hold it there until I catch his eyes. The way I lower my guard. and my walls...leaving myself defenseless. How I convince my heart that everything will be okay, that the day will come when I can love you completely and it will be okay... And that it's somehow honorable to be foolish when you love someone. The way I remind myself that you aren't running from me....right?

"I love you."