Saturday, June 19, 2010

Love & War

After much self-inspection, I am still not sure exactly how I survived the past 16 months. While I am grateful that a Being more sovereign than I saw fit to accompany me every step of the way, acting as a guide/protector, I am still taking inventory of all that my heart has endured. Years ago, I would have submerged myself into a vat of self-pity labeled "Victim-mentality", but with 25 less than 3 months away...I'm finding a different perspective. On what it means to live. Truly live. But foremost, on how to truly love.

One cannot be sure how strong the bond is between two people unless it has been tested. Taken through a variety of turmoil and even betrayal. However, I feel that it isn't just the strength of the love that's stressed, but the power of the Will of each person. At any moment after a betrayal or crisis, only one person is needed to decide not to continue. To be committed to another person is the weightiest vow a human being can give, because he/she knows that love alone just isn't enough.  We gladly give our lives (and rightfully so) to the notion of possessing love. To give ourselves completely to it. We innately desire to be disassembled by its ways; changing us from the inside out. Then, we realize that intense feelings can be duplicated from person to person. The addicting high that comes with connecting with another person can be experienced repeatedly (as you move from person to person)..and we can feed off of the excitement of an individual's mystery for years. The Love is there, but the Will has not yet taken the reigns.

The first time I fell in love, it ended because he slept with another woman. After 2 years of dating, we had just begun to get to know each other. It was my first adult relationship and we both knew early that we wanted it to lead to marriage. We were insanely in love and it drove our lives. I had just gotten over a 5 year crush/fling that left me empty and afraid. I was war-torn. I can remember the first time he held me, because it was the first time I'd ever been held like that by a man. I was intrigued and enamored by him. So, we allowed ourselves to be caught up in the ebb and flow of our love; with nothing else sustaining us. In retrospect, I believe that we could have worked it out. We could have taken this season of war and used it to strengthen a love that was already present. But we did not.

I allowed that relationship to form my original philosophy on relationships: Love is a Choice.

Afterward, I stopped being afraid of enduring war in Love. I realized it was necessary, and a testing agent to how strong the Love is. Currently, I am still in awe of how much stronger my heart is now. Because it had been broken, subtly and repeatedly. Others have broken it intentionally. However, my Love for my Beloved is so much stronger than it was 16 months ago. My choice to love him is as fiery and passionate as a summer fling, but it's girded with the stuff that allows Love to see its golden years.


  1. Damn. I wish there was someway that I could snap a picture and allow you to see the watery eyes. This, my friend, was strongly felt as it appeared to have come from the heart.

    I too fall under the belief that you never really know how strong love is ... until it has passed. That is a concept foreign to most people yet it makes perfect sense to me.

    So, in that light, which this post speaks to myself, I will add that loving yourself while being of the ability to love another is a mind-blowing feeling, isn't it?

    I cannot believe any man would hurt you intentionally. Impossible to ever fathom.

  2. @ Harry: thanks so much :)

    @ Don: At times I feel like I'm so much older on the inside...It was a bit of a shock to have a roommate who'd never even kissed a boy or gone out on a date and she's turning 23 this year. She hasn't had her heart broken. A part of me envies her, but another part of me would do it all again if it meant I would get to where I am & who I'm with.

    And you're right. I've seen that many problems went back to a lack of healthy self-love. No one wants a martyr. The best gift I can give N.steven is my own happiness.

    smile @ I cannot believe any man would hurt you intentionally....
    It's happened. And I've intentionally hurt others's a sad fact I had to face with N.steven...