Friday, February 29, 2008

Something I Tend to Forget...

I was really upset at my mother. Or at her ability to ruin my excitement for things. I didn't want to think anything through for once. I didn't want to plan ahead or iron out any details.

I just wanted to go.

And I felt completely justified in my discontent with my relationship with my parents...

...that is until 2:08 am this morning. A close friend of mine, whom I also consider to be like a little sister, gently shook me awake. She told me, holding back tears, that a girl on our hall (whom we both know very well) had just lost her mother in a tragic car accident just an hour or so before. A bit shocked and disoriented, I followed my friend through my dark dorm room and out into the hallway, where at least a dozen of my other dorm-mates were standing; praying.

For what seemed like hours, we all stood...or sat...out in the hallway, grieving along with her. My RAs were on the phone with her family members, making arrangements and spoke on behalf of my grieving sister, who could do nothing but lay in the floor and cry. It was announced, eventually, that an RA, accompanied by another girl on the hall, would take her home (which was over an hour away). Looking up as she walked out into the hallway, I met her eyes. And that moment changed my whole perspective that I had been previously, if only temporarily, carrying.
I know what it's like to lose someone so abruptly. After the death of my older brother back in 1999, I promised myself that I wouldn't take my family for granted. I wouldn't sacrifice the love of my family to serve my own purpose. Somehow, for a split second, I had forgotten the promise I had made.

I am so blessed. My parents, more specifically my mother, love me very much.

So, I say to you: take no one dear to you for granted. Because you have no idea if they will be here long enough for you to apologize.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Potential to Do What I Am Incapable Of...(Part Three)

Presently, I am extra sensitive to my surroundings. Now, more than ever, I am seeking the purpose and promise behind everything that happens. Why? Because things around me are growing and evolving. So naturally, I look to the sky asking God...

"Okay...what are you up to? What does this all mean?"

Opportunities that my heart has sought after are actually going to happen. It's one thing to want something. To pray for something. To fantasize about being in a certain place...but now that these dreams are now tangible and real...I'm nowhere close to being prepared. So, my initial thoughts are:

"Lord. I need you."

The past 2 months aren't a coincidence, but ordained for some purpose.

1 Corinthians 2:9

But as it is written: “ Eye has not seen, nor ear heard
Nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him."

Emphasis on "things [which God has prepared].

1. Healing

I should be dead. The tumor should have grown cancerous and the surgery unsuccessful. But, God had bigger plans for my life. Through a miracle, the MRI came back clear, and gradually, my body is healing itself. My hormone levels are normal and I will be able to have children one day. At the same time I was waiting on my test results, a little girl that my step-dad's job was raising money for, died from a brain tumor that had plagued her body for many years. Why God chose to take her life and spare mine isn't for me to understand...regardless...I owe Him my life, because He saved it.

2. Love
He is everything God knew I would need in a best friend. I see a reflection of God's heart for my life each time he looks at me: without one ounce of pretense, dishonesty, and condition. I've never been in a relationship where we try to outdo one another in love. Never have I felt such a freedom in God's timing [for my love life especially]. Paul says in Philippians 4:12, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."I have known what it is like to suffer in a relationship. To give so much of yourself and getting nothing back. I thank God for those times. Heartache has been my greatest teacher. Not in technique, necessarily, but in having a teachable spirit.
God knows, I have no idea how to love this man.
But I am open to learn. Everyday. For the rest of my days.

3. Leadership=Servanthood

I received the email yesterday announcing that I've been chosen to serve as an Resident Assistant next school year. After getting many congratulations from my peers throughout the day yesterday, an older woman who is in graduate school asked me was I excited. I said, "Uh. It hasn't even hit me yet!!" She laughed and said "Well, it'll hit you tomorrow at the Contract Signing when you sign your life away!" I laughed along with her, but thinking about it later, I realized that my answer to her statement should have been:
"Well, my life is Christ's anyway. So, it shouldn't be too big of an adjustment."

4. Finances
I'm still a broke college student. But if it weren't for the intervention of God, then I would just be broke [minus the college student part]. My financial situation almost prevented me from being able to start my Junior Year in January. But God, again, stepped in and proved that He has the last word in everything. There is truly nothing too hard for Him. Or expensive.
No way $6,148 could break His bank account.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Psalm 62

This song will not leave my head....

"I Love You Lord" by Whitney Houston

I love the the Lord, he heard my cry

And pitied every groan, long as I, I live
And troubles rise, I hasten to his throne

Oh, I love the Lord

I sure do, surely do love the Lord
He heard, he heard my cry
And pitied every groan, yes he did
Every groan
Long as I live, long as I, I live
And troubles rise, troubles rise
I hasten to to to to to
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne
I'll hasten to his throne hold on hold on
Tears are streaming down my eyes
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

Yes I will, I'll run
I know I can go to his throne
I know I can go, I know I can go
I'll hasten, I'm gonna run
I know I can go, I know I can go
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

See I can run, Lord you know I will
When there is nowhere to go I know I can go to you
I know I can run to you oh
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his, his throne
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'll hasten, hasten to his throne
Surely gonna be here

There is no one else who is faithful like my Savior. Not even the love of my life can comfort me on a level that He can. I'm reminded of one of my favorite Psalms:

Psalm 62:5-9

5-6 God, the one and only—

I'll wait as long as he says.
Everything I hope for comes from him,
so why not?
He's solid rock under my feet,
breathing room for my soul,
An impregnable castle:
I'm set for life.

7-8 My help and glory are in God
—granite-strength and safe-harbor-God—
So trust him absolutely, people;
lay your lives on the line for him.
God is a safe place to be.

9 Man as such is smoke,
woman as such, a mirage.
Put them together, they're nothing;
two times nothing is nothing.

I can always rely on Him. In the dead of night, when pain and terror is at it's peak, He is there.When I am at my best, He is there, reminding me that it was only by His strength that I am still alive.Without Him, I am nothing.But in His arms, I need nothing else.

Potential to Do What I Am Incapable of... (Interlude)

While walking from my afternoon class, I allowed my mind to wander. Immediately it drifted to the important decision that is being made concerning my future as an Residential Assistant [which is, if you don't know, a person who oversees the physical, social, and academic well-being of the students on a single floor in a dormitory]. After making it through three weeks of interviewing, tests, and various exercises, I have nothing left to do but wait.

And waiting is something that I've been girded for. I'm currently waiting on many things...Instead of examining the possibilities of each outcome, I chose to embrace an attitude. A pursuit. A goal that is not dependent upon a panel of people selecting or rejecting me for this important position. It will not rely on titles. And it is the only card that I have to play.
I decided that I want to affect. Influence. Disturb. Disrupt. Move. Shape. Change.I want to be a catalyst.
No matter what campus designation or leadership entitlement I have. Even if I have none at all. I will NOT allow that to gauge my drive to conjure revolution.

Recalling the bars of Manchild:

"I'd rather be washed up than watered down."

Mhmm. Exactly.
Now this isn't an attempt to psych myself out so that I won't be disappointed......just simply a declaration. From a small-town country girl who loves poetry and Hip-Hop.

Tomorrow's Doomsday. To Be Continued...

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Missing Love (Part Three...In Random Alphabetic Thought Form)

[What can I say?...He. is my favorite topic.]

a. The fact that he teaches me lessons daily is nothing short of ironic...

b. I never thought a love between two people could feel this way. And it's surprising how he manages to renew my incredulity. I can't believe all of this is happening to me. And in me. And above me.

c. Just when I think I've become well acquainted with his love, or love in general, I am shown another side of it. There is always more to learn. A deeper level to cultivate. A higher height to reach. And this love shows no signs of stopping.

d. I remember being in past relationships hearing a certain love song that reminded me of my significant other. But now, the melody I hear carries a unique tune. We are creating our own music.

e. I've never been so patient concerning the future before. In times past, I've prayed for God to speed time up, so that I may get to a certain level in a relationship that could match my emotional commitment. Now? I pray God slows time almost to a stand that I can love him at a snail's pace. (smile)

f. Where has all of my trust issues gone?

g. God has an odd sense of humor concerning romance, but He's shown me that the things He has in store for us supersedes anything we can conjure up ourselves. All we have to do is hand Him the pen...

h. I am annoyed sometimes that he takes such pleasure in doing thoughtful things for others. I didn't think a man my age like that even existed.

i. "How blessed am I to have fallen in love with my best friend?"

j. He is brilliant. I love to pick his brain, lean forward, and frustrates me that he struggles to comprehend math. (smile)

k. He doesn't know this...but the respect and honor he gives his parents convicts me concerning the relationship I have with my own.

l. Another thing he doesn't know: God is going to touch a whole generation through his words, hands, and heart.

m. I hope he never loses his "pudge"...honestly. Imperfections keep us humble, and his humility is what I love most about him.

n. It's cute that he doesn't know how attractive he is. Inside and out. And honestly, they run about even in amount...I mean, he is a sexy guy.

o. If I had to pick one thing about him that I love most, it'd be his Kind Heart. I thank his parents for that.

p. If I had my way, we'd be married by the end of 2010. We'd be broke, probably homeless (pushing our first book on the street corners), but deliriously happy.

r. The moment I KNEW that I loved him: I showed him my brand new Lauryn Hill mixtape, and he reacted the EXACT way that I did when I first saw it. Meanwhile, my current boyfriend stood looking confused.

s. The 1st week of Christmas Break was the best week of my life. He has no idea...

t. I appreciate the stints of time we spend a part.

u. I haven't written this much in my whole entire life. What does that mean?????

v. The question of Summer '07? What do you want, and how do you want it?

w. I admit it, when he called D**n* by my name on the phone, I was thrilled. Truth be told, she's not one of my favorite people. He knows why...

x. My Ultimate Present for Him: to get him onto that Def Poetry Jam stage...

y. I think we should try that LU Scavenger Hunt 1st date again, but this time: He's setting it up. (smile)

z. I still think he's the Emcee.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Missing Love Part 2 (The Letter Version)

Dearest Heart,

I know that I am a difficult person. I can change the atmosphere in a room based on my attitude. I think God has blessed me with the ability to mobilize others. On the other hand, I can also paralyze them. But the last couple of hours have been similar to the "couple of hours" that I face periodically. It's not all the time, mind you...but it happens the moment I grow weary of certain faces. Certain people drain me.

It's not anything personal against them, it's just they aren'

I'm overloaded by mediocre friendships and cordial acquaintances. I can't get back to the normalities with old friends, and those who I'm spiritually close to, don't have the same passions as I. I am so very thankful for all of these people. Never would I take them for granted...

But the more people I meet and hang with, the larger your vacancy becomes.

I miss you, friend.

And it's not that I'm incomplete, or that I have this gapping void in my chest. God is my completion, naturally.

And yet...

I look around, and there is no other source to complement me. No one that understands my moods and mannerisms. Cues into my facial expressions and silences. No one else here truly listens...

They all sit back and wonder why, at times, I'm not my usual talkative, bright-eyed self. And they dare not ask why. They turn concern inward and ignore my existence. Only you reach out without saying a word. Without making me feel guilty for being ME.

A shoulder for the counselor.

...that's just one of the things you are for me.

And not only that...I miss our adventures. Daily, subtle adventures that revealed something new about ourselves.
I'm sick of maintaining.
Sick of uplifting politeness above honesty.
...and I'm through with lackluster.

Yes, I know everything is NOT so serious and zealous...but you know that about me. You embrace that, instead of tolerating my enthusiasm.

I miss you, Jedi.

And I can't remember EXACTLY what it felt like to be held [by you]. It's been months. I've actually learned to live without it. And that thought scares me...because I don't want to. I don't want to learn. But, for the sake of my sanity, I try to "stay warm".

I have to...Lord knows.

I feel a pang of jealousy to know that your pillows are held by you more than I. And I kick myself for not holding you a second longer before you left to get on that plane.

I miss you, lover.

And I'll be fine.

....but we both know that there isn't but so many pens and pieces of paper in this place.

Love always,


Prelude to "We Need A Love Song..." (Our Book)

Imagine for a moment:

A girl, slightly calloused by heartaches. Groomed by one disappointment too many, on the brink of settling for any guy with soft eyes and a decent vocabulary. She'd lost faith in "the love story" and the grandeur that came with it. Those things no longer existed in her mind. God apparently was disinterested with fairy tale endings...and her heart had went out on a limb for the last time...


A guy, equally unsympathetic towards "the happy ending", yet still possessed a deep-seeded longing for "more". His love life was permeated by possibilities. Teased in his previous friendships, he contemplated aborting the search completely; seeking to live an hedonistic lifestyle for a while. Unknowingly to him, however, God had a plan that involved four young women, three of which he knew of:

1. the first love
2. the fickle love
3. the maybe love

The fourth however, was not on his list. She was not in his plan. Neither was he in hers.

And God kept their eyes blind...

Allowing both the guy and the girl to continue to muse over their hidden desires and mourn over concealed wounds.

...meanwhile turning to a fresh, clean page. And He, the Author, began to scribe the climax of their love story...a love story that, at one time, existed as two...