Friday, August 28, 2009

We've Come So Far, but have So Far To Go.

I have loved the same guy for over 2 1/2 years. He's been my friend for over 3 1/2. It was a short time before I fell in love with him, that he was my Best friend. In the span of 18 months, we aimed and shot emphatically at each others hearts....pacing at the speed of light. Passion and emotion, mixed with a deeply poetic connection and Spiritual accord to boot, and you have a duo that became almost infamous among our circle of friends.

Life did what it's known to do. It proved to be bigger than we could handle with our overeager hands. The title became too much of a weight to carry. And the future, with all of its expectations and hope, took his breath away. Thus, the status became "complicated".

After almost 7 months of being "just friends", there's still a glow growing between us that we can't seem to smother. Close friends of ours watch closely to see if we'll eventually disintegrate like most in the same scenario do. The title has been stripped; resting on a strategically placed mantel...hidden away. But, laughter and camaraderie still exists as strongly as it ever did. Granted, it took some work to get there...but we're still here. Still friends.

I look back at the path we've taken to get to this spot, and it's littered with debris from all that we've endured at one another's side. And then I squint my eyes at the trail extended before he and I. It's straight and narrow, yet wide enough for two pairs of feet. And it seems to stretch for miles.....

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Final Thoughts for Tonight...

Who is this voice telling me not to trust him?
...dear God, I hope he doesn't hurt me...

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Court Jester.

I'm very good at making myself look like a fool for him. Since enduring the Great Hurt in high school, I promised myself that I would never conduct heart matters without a heavy amount of dignity. Now, all of my mature intentions have gone completely out of the window. I am utterly devoid of "cool points". And I could care less.

Even though I can feel my inner feminist cringe and flinch whenever I smile insanely at a text from him, look at his picture for the millionth time, or jump at the sound of his ring-tone, the romantic little girl in me comes out of hiding. Each day, I experience the same blended emotion:
gratefulness because of our friendship, and fear of losing his love forever. I live in the moment, emphatically....times 4. Because not only am I purposefully NOT thinking about getting back together, I am so thankful for every second and moment I get to spend with him.

I'm constantly in the mode of making a memory. I take longer looks into his eyes. Wrap my arms around his neck for a second more. I listen intently like a friend would, but at the same time...I am paying special attention to the light in his eyes when he discusses certain topics. I memorize the moments his dimples fade and reappear. The rise and fall of his smile when he's trying to hide a thought. I listen. More than he realizes.

I express purpose in my that he never misunderstands that I am appreciating every moment. And that is so foolish of me.

Because he doesn't need all of that, does he?
He doesn't need such attention or sincerity...

...rather a warm body at night, that is gone by daybreak.
Or an open, willing heart with no strings attached.
And I am a fool...because I would give it.

Friday, August 21, 2009

My Life According to [Jill Scott]

I adore this woman.
Her outlook on life, love, pain, and triumph speak to me.
I love the way she performs. How she professes to be a poet before a singer.
I appreciate how well she blends sophistication and unkempt passion.
Rage and Melancholy. Beauty and Humanity. God and the rest of us.

I copped this idea from N.Steven . The rules are: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)"

Pick Your Artist:
Jilly from Philly (BKA: Jill Scott)

Are you a male or female?
Fatback Taffy (ha!)

Describe yourself:
Can't Explain

How do you feel:
Talk to Me

Describe where you currently live:
Celibacy Blues

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
The Rain

Your favorite form of transportation:
A Long Walk Home

Your best friend is:
My Love

Your favorite color is:

What's the weather like:
Love Rain

Favorite time of the day:
8 Minutes to Sunrise

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called:
Slowly Surely

What is life to you:
Not Like Crazy

Your relationships:
I Keep/Still Here

Your fear:
Gettin in the Way

What is the best advice you have to give:
Easy Conversation

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Honey Molasses

Thought for the Day:
Wanna Be Loved

How I would like to die:
God Bless the Child

My soul's present condition:
Let it Be

My Motto:
The Fact Is (I Need You)

Saturday, August 15, 2009


I'd waited for over 3 months to see him. My very best friend.
I didn't know what I would do the moment my eyes met his. I didn't care, really.
I just wanted him near. Have him smile at me and playfully grab me into his arms.

Six months ago I wouldn't want to settle for just that. I'd want more.
But today...felt different. [Those desires are still alive, mind you. Hidden, but alive.]
It felt different because of how slowly each moment passed. It's like I watched his every slow motion. Noticing things that I'd normally miss:
His posture.
The subtle mix of expectancy and purpose in his eyes.
The reflection and wiser introspection in his speech.

At some point Today, I thought, "My gosh. My best friend has grown. "
And it thrilled me in a way that I really can't explain.
He's always made me curious...but Today, I watched him so very closely.
I will dare to say that I was intrigued.
He is the same person, but sharper and amplified. I began to thank God because it was so evident that the summer has been good to both of us. Naturally, I am expectant. But in a calm way. Knowing that the best method doesn't involve either of our pairs of hands.

Upon my initiation, we slightly reenacted a fond memory of ours.
Our conversation, though brief, reminded me of how much I cherish him.
...and how much him.

Forget relationship titles/status for a moment...being in the arms of a friend is more than I can ask for.
I'll let God take care of the technicalities....

Thursday, August 6, 2009

My Heart Benches About 350...

I'm known to be a slow gravitator towards retaliation. Even as a teenager, I can count on my hands the number of times that I actively sought revenge. Not that I've never wanted to hurt someone who hurt me...but I think that I have always feared what it would be like to hold vengance in my heart for too long. Long enough where it would change me...

This has not kept me from getting hurt, mind you. Sometimes I feel that my pain is more severe than others. The blow of disappointment and betrayal sharper because I choose not to deflect it by blaming others or focusing on revenge.

I've been told that I am too sensitive.
And that my heart is too big for my own good.
That I take to heart things that the average person would shrug off easily.
All are correct....
But, in doing much soul searching, I've come to realize that I part of me.
Though it curses me to exist with a wide open heart; increasingly susceptible to hurt...I have been given a Strength that girds my heart with armor. The unpentrable nature shows on the inside rather than permeates the most hearts seem to be.

I'm not of the weak, naive, or ignorant.
I look at pictures of old loves with new loves and can smile.
Shake the hands of those who used them once to do me harm.
And strive to live peaceably with all men.

Each time I extend an embrace. Take notice, but Forgive a personal grievance.
Consider my own short-comings before estimating another's character.
And plead with a fair-weather friend for restoration.
I feel my heart getting stronger.
Bigger....but stronger.