I'm very good at making myself look like a fool for him. Since enduring the Great Hurt in high school, I promised myself that I would never conduct heart matters without a heavy amount of dignity. Now, all of my mature intentions have gone completely out of the window. I am utterly devoid of "cool points". And I could care less.
Even though I can feel my inner feminist cringe and flinch whenever I smile insanely at a text from him, look at his picture for the millionth time, or jump at the sound of his ring-tone, the romantic little girl in me comes out of hiding. Each day, I experience the same blended emotion:
gratefulness because of our friendship, and fear of losing his love forever. I live in the moment, emphatically....times 4. Because not only am I purposefully NOT thinking about getting back together, I am so thankful for every second and moment I get to spend with him.
I'm constantly in the mode of making a memory. I take longer looks into his eyes. Wrap my arms around his neck for a second more. I listen intently like a friend would, but at the same time...I am paying special attention to the light in his eyes when he discusses certain topics. I memorize the moments his dimples fade and reappear. The rise and fall of his smile when he's trying to hide a thought. I listen. More than he realizes.
I express purpose in my speech...so that he never misunderstands that I am appreciating every moment. And that is so foolish of me.
Because he doesn't need all of that, does he?
He doesn't need such attention or sincerity...
...rather a warm body at night, that is gone by daybreak.
Or an open, willing heart with no strings attached.
And I am a fool...because I would give it.