Sistah-Hood

What do you see when you look at this picture? I mean, besides the fact that this is taken from the gallery of Tyler Perry's movie adaptation of For Colored Girls....

I think of my mother being comforted by her three sisters and their mother while standing next to the grave of my brother. I think of the great bellows of laughter coming from the hair salon that I frequented as a child. I recall the knowing glances and outstretched hands that I have exchanged with another Black woman. Granted, I have the pleasure of knowing many beautiful women...across the entire palette of ethnicity. However, there is a deeper sense of unity that I feel when I, and other Black women embrace one another. Welcome one another. Encourage and affirm one another. Because we are known to bicker and be competitive. Tear down another because her hair is natural. Or relaxed. She's too skinny or flat-chested. Or too big. Lighter or Darker. Rough around the edges or materialistic. Carrying an infant or a Gucci bag in her arms.

It's nice to have kindred arms, though we are only connected through shade, hold you up. And it may not be done intentionally, but it always feels familiar. Sometimes, I have to double-take, because I could swear that the arms of my "sistah" feels like the arms of a "sister".

She Said Chronicles, Part 2: The Scorned Woman

I can remember the days when men saw me as beautiful and mysterious. They had a respect for my nature and valued my presence. It used to be that man would do anything possible to protect me...But now, men and pain are synonymous. I've become nothing more than a causality. Stuck in a grief-stricken state; held at the mercy of a man's desire. As each hungry, handsome face comes and goes, I am viewed only as something to be obtained, but never cared for. Possessed, but never cherished. In the beginning, I blamed myself...convinced myself that I was attracting these self-occupied neanderthals. But even after getaways with the girls, consistent church attendance, and 2 days a week in therapy...I arrived back at the original conclusion: Men only want; they never give.

Truthfully, I'm just tired. Most times, too tired to maintain my alertness. I manage to rest my guard so that I can allow a sense of peace into my bedroom. I begin to embrace the serenity I feel while I take up both sides of the bed; stretching my limbs across my solitude and breathe in long enough to taste the air. It's bliss, I swear.

And then it happens.

Another curious, handsome carnivore creeps his way past my office doorway. Or the seat next to me on the bus. Or the adjacent study table at the library. Though well-intentioned, he is like all the rest: a souped up suitor with a superman complex...seeking to be the cure to my disdain. In the end, I am worse off because of him. He is attracted to my contentment with being by myself, because he does/will not notice me until he sees that I am blessedly whole and happy without him. Yet he swears that loving him will add value to my life.

He sees me as fresh ground to tread, and secretly desires to tap into my virtue and rob it from me as if I am his fountain of youth. As my history constantly depicted, once I am depleted...he leaves.

And I roam through the same sad cycle of Pain, Recovery, Contentment, Pursuit, and Pain again. Over and over.

I wish they would all just leave me alone.
...Or love me.

She Said Chronicles, Part One: the Insecure Woman.

Since the moment I realized boys weren't so detestable, I've warred with the Other Woman. Each day that I look into my mirror, I hope that my curls fall distinctly in the right places, that my teeth are unrealistically white and toes perfectly polished, and that I can manage to go through the day without completely embarrassing myself. It's hard work, because I feel like I have to keep two steps ahead of her. I have to be uncomplicated, single-minded, and confident. Fun and mysterious. Sexy, but not slutty. I have to ensure that the carrot I dangle in front of him today isn't too close (because once he dines on it, he'll lose interest), but not too far away (because he'll see me as a lost cause). I can't let the other woman slip her way closer towards his heart, or I'll have to start all over. Walking to class, driving to work, or lounging by the beach I am constantly thinking and observing. Both him and her. I'm afforded the great task of sizing him, my potential, up. Not with too much scrutiny, because being picky certainly won't help. But also, I need to keep an eye on her. Funny thing is, she's a worthy opponent. Out of necessity and survival, I study her. But just when I begin to know somewhat her tactics or her movement, she switches something up. Her clothes, status, or motive.

She could be the cute Spanish secretary at my job. Or my cousin's summer fling. His ex-wife who can't let go. Or even his close friend that almost became his girlfriend. She could be my roommate. Or the co-worker that goes out of her way to listen to him. Or the random girl at the party that he had a great conversation with. The shapely White girl that sits behind me in class that eyes him when he comes to pick me up. Or some girl he went to high school with.

She could be anyone, appear at anytime. And the closer I get to him, the more I have to watch out for her. Our comfort could produce his complacency. And that's usually when she'll make her move. It only takes a moment; one swift, intentional move to realign the course of destiny. No matter how hard I try to make him happy...it won't make a difference in whether or not he leaves me for her. Or dates us at the same time. It's his decision, ultimately. And it's all because I am no longer enough. I'm lacking something. There was a bit of small print that I missed when I signed on to fall in love. There are certain stipulations that I did not see...and it makes all the difference, I guess. The difference between finding a man and keeping a man.

No matter how many men I lose to her, there is always the chance to lose love to The Other Woman again. She's like the perfect women with a set of unquenchable hungry eyes and soft lips that I can't seem to compete against. Because men chase her, not me. She is their greener side. Their dream woman. The one that can turn the head of any man, no matter his relationship status. She is the woman that is a valuable commodity in this world of high divorce rates and commitment-phobic lovers. Basically, I'm driven by gaining victory over her.

Honestly...What is it that I truly want?

Peace. Emotional security. And time to learn how to give him what he's secretly searching for.... in her.
My god, why won't he give me time to evolve? Extend his attention span to notice that past my weary face is a pair of shoulders bearing the weight of his world and mine. I get up at least 30 minutes earlier (on average) than he does, just so I can prepare to give to him....and anyone else who'll need something from me that day. So, the last thing I need is him leaving me for a falsified, care-free woman who is bound to turn into someone like me anyway...

Dream Girl. (A List)

I am 24 and are still considered an unmarried woman.  I've made plenty of mistakes, but have gained a bit of wisdom in the process. Granted, some of this list is pretty obvious, but you'd be surprised how often we've/I've intentionally did the opposite.

1. Keep your priorities straight. Despite popular opinion, a relationship for an unmarried person should be at about 4th or 5th on the list. With God being 1st, family 2nd, academics 3rd, and work/life goals 4th. A man can tell if he is too high (or too low) on your priority list.
2. Don't reveal too much, too soon. This applies to anything regarding intimate pieces of your Self. I can't tell you how many girls I've known that were heartbroken over a guy they've only known (not dated, known) for 6 months. Enjoy the process. And if you're trying to keep up with other couples, then you're probably going too fast.
3. Value yourself, completely by yourself. Solitude is a beautiful thing, and is valuable even in relationships. If you're waiting for a person to make you feel whole, then you're setting yourself up for consistent disappointment. Plus, the time spent away will rejuvenate you and enrich the time you have with the other person.
4. Learn to let your hair down. First of all, this requires you to be comfortable in your own skin. Many women make the mistake of over-primping themselves when they know they'll see their significant other. If you are serious about this man, show him you AS IS. This applies to the soul, as well. I know that you're a strong, powerful woman, but learn to let that wall down...one brick at a time.
5. Do some revision of that "must have" list. Sometimes our high expectations can be hazardous...in any relationship. Be wise, but gracious of others humanity. A man who feels safe to be himself is sure to give you the love you desire.
6. Learn to cook. (If you're not much of a cook, at least master the basics.)
7. Be competitive, not docile. Meaning, don't just let him win the basketball game. A man, though his ego may be bruised, loves it when his woman makes him step his game up. And engaging in any physical or competitive sport is always a good thing to share in a relationship.
8. Have a sense of humor, and a hearty laugh. Those cute giggles will get annoying because they're not genuine. Stop coaxing his ego by laughing at his wack jokes. Instead, use a healthy amount of sarcasm. He'll be pleasantly surprised at your wit...because it keeps him on his toes. Which men like.
9. Have a hobby or skill that he doesn't. It's good to share talents, but he'll appreciate that you're cultivating some other passion a part from his input. 
10. Have an open mind. You don't know everything...so don't pretend you've got all the answers. This attitude will turn you into the classic "nag" that helps make a loveless marriage.

{Remembering} Dr. Dorothy Irene Height

(March 24, 1912 – April 20, 2010)

"Grandmother of the Civil Rights Movement"

Activist. Educator. Woman. Black.

Her Biography

Thank You Dr. Height.

So...You Think You're A Lady? (Repost)

My mother is one of the classiest women I have ever known. No matter how many incredible ladies I will meet in THIS lifetime, no one will surpass my mother. I look up to her simple because she always seeks to be better, despite her flaws. Jesus is my Source for Holiness, but my mother is my example for the standard of class and sophistication.

To my mother, I dedicate this note.

Sadly, most young women lack the 3 things that are imperative in a Lady's character:Dignity, Wisdom,Spirituality.

Dignity- bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation; elevation of character.

Wisdom- knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.

Spirituality- predominantly spiritual character as shown in thought, life, etc.

......

As young women, especially young black women, we have been taught to take up for ourselves. Never let anyone talk you down. Don't back down from anyone. The definition of our character comes from the wrong places. Either we are known for our shape, or for our loud mouths. But a true lady not only knows what to say, but she knows how to say it, and in what situation its appropriate to say it.

Also, our presence doesn't demand respect. We will attract what is inside of us. If you attract disrespect, then its because you need to increase your amount of self-respect. Because the Holy Spirit dwells inside of you, you will treat it as a temple. This should effect what you put on your temple, put into your temple, and allow to come out of your temple. Covers just about everything, right?

"I'm just being myself, and I don't care who doesn't like it."

Excuse me, sister? You don't care? It's that type of attitude that bears the fruit of an unteachable, haughty spirit. This is not the character of a lady.A lady can disagree humbly. She does not HAVE to fight so intently against the stereotypes that try to bind us, because her presence subtly changes the atmosphere around her. She doesn't have to yell or be loud, because one look can express volumes, and you will know exactly how she feels. Now, she CAN get loud when the occasion calls for it, but her wisdom discerns when it is necessary.

She does not have to be self-reliant, because in everything she does, she relies on God for. He supplies her every need. There is no reason for her to chase a man, or break her back endlessly in her career, because she keeps her Father as her number one priority. She doesn't keep her ear to a music industry that constantly slanders her, nor does she listen to the words of the streets who attempt to enslave her. She quiets her spirit, turns off the noise, and concentrates on what her Lord has to say about her. This is where she finds her strength.

Young women, please pay attention to these words. You are far more valuable than you are presenting yourself to be. Your Lord, Your God, is King of the Universe, and you are His daughter.....

...honey, that makes you Royalty. You are a Princess.

Be encouraged.

Grown, Part 3: Hair.

To paraphrase scripture: "A woman's hair is her shining glory."


I remember, as a little girl, the harsh, trying feat of my mother doing my hair. Most of the time, I did not like it. The whole process caused tears and plenty of "ow! ma!" 's coming from my lips. I was affectionately labeled "tender headed", because one comb stroke convulsed my limbs more than a seizure would. Usually, I didn't like the end result either. My bangs were too curly. Or my ponytails were too tight.

But the older members of my family raved about how cute I looked. I pouted as they pinched my cheeks, but something makes more sense to me now than it did back then....

My mother was shaping my glory.

One thing I appreciate about being a Black Woman is that hair-care is a form of intimacy. Mother to child. Sister to sister. Woman to man. Other cultures won't quite understand why this can be a sensitive act between two people. My cousin recently put micro-braids in my hair, and it was a nurturing, bonding experience. She was doing more than "hooking me up". She was tending to my glory.

[I am, in no way, trying to disregard the recent anthem of India.Arie. Women ARE more than their hair. However, there is something significant about the covering of a woman's head that shines brightly to the opposite sex. I've been told that it is one of the first things a man notices about a woman's apperance.]

When I was in middle school, I hated doing my hair. Transitioning through my ball-playing, tomboy phase, I rocked t-shirts and wore my hair back in a ponytail. I never brushed it. I seldom combed it. I washed it to keep it from itching, but I could have cared less what my glory was becoming (or not becoming). It wasn't until I started to get it professionally done (at my mother's prompting) that I noticed a difference. I remember my stylist Keisha (who is still my go-to superwoman when I am back in my home state) spinning my chair around to face the big mirror...and asking me what I thought.

It was one of the first times in my adolescence that I'd felt beautiful without someone telling me so. I remember looking down for a moment in shame because I wasn't aware that I could be pleased with my appearance. But then I quickly looked back up, and smiled at my reflection. Keisha nodded and said something to the effect, "I guess that means you like it."

Sometimes we can be afraid of our own God-given glory. Granted, it is a glory that would be non-existent without Him, but it is ours none the less. Other times, we assume that we should possess a certain type of glory. But true glory is unique to its vessel; though it all comes from a singular Source.

I've spent too much of my life being afraid of me. Stifling the glory that so wishes to shine forth.
It is a battle, but I am searching. Digging for the depths of God's glory, and the glory He has destined to rest on my head. Flowing. Lovely. Gorgeous.

...after all, I am grown now.

Since When? (July Edition)

Since when does sexy equate to indecent, scantly-clothed bodies?

And since when does a female have to have a clan of female friends parading around her [with the occasional dance break] to have a sick-looking video?

Watch Amerie's new video.

It's simple. Artsy and fresh...with a bit of street.

She has vulnerability without trying to be the victim.

And it isn't over-the-top.

I hope Bey's taking notes...

R. E. S. P. E. C. T

I've read two posts by two extremely wise & witty women today [Honesty and Lionness].

They really got me thinking about men and women relations, and both had a common theme:

Women's Self-Respect.

It's been in short supply lately, and [unmarried] women are going to desperate measures to get and keep a man. This is not, in any shape or form, my way of wagging a finger, but I would like to set a couple of things straight that may help any woman secretly struggling.

I've been there. And it's a trap that I skillfully dodge.

I wrote a piece back in 2007 called "Performance Oriented"...

he swore to me
that he loved me.

i would have gone to the four corners of
the world
...and the four corners of
his bed
if he'd ask it of me.

i would have reformed my style to his liking
suitable to please his palette.
Corporate Sophisticate.
Slick-tongued ghetto chick.
Subservient Housewife.
[or all of the above.]

I carry around my box of hats
from the last man to him...
...and now to the next.

I am. SICK. of packing.

There are many things that are wonderful about having a man in your life. His mere presence provides a strange sense of social security. And we are built to withstand physical and emotional suffering (Praise Jesus...). But an occupational hazard that comes with being a woman is that we don't know how to say "You know what? It's either me or you...Enough is enough."

Including me. Instead I'd say,

"We can work this through."

"Things will get better. I just know it."

"He's just ___________. I just need to ______________ him more/less."

Sound familiar?

Compromise is essential in any successful relationship, but we need to establish BEFORE-HAND what treatment we will and will not be subjected to. We've gotten so used to fighting for gender independance and social liberties, that we've thrown away the basic chivalry that women are owed. And the lack of respect is a huge causualty.

It's funny to me that single women sometimes walk into clubs, malls, and restaurants with an air that demands respect. We play the game very well. However, once we lock down one particular man, suddenly we become 1/2 a person. Where did the other half of you go?

I have met many men who are strikingly similiar to peacocks, because they will always [eventually] show their true colors. Men and women alike live their lives like this; in a constant stage of "first impressions". Sally's Beauty Supply and Covergirl will make millions this year because women are afraid to be who they really are [Note: I am NOT speaking negatively of cosmetics.]. Why?

Because they do not want to scare away a man.

But somewhere between 21 and 22 I made a heart choice. I was going to be myself everywhere I went, and not be afraid of that. No more hoops. Because I am Beautiful. Corny. Clumsy. Wise. Kind. Sexy. Fly. Moody. Sophisticated. Street. Brilliant. BOSS. (smile)

And I can say that without an ounce of arrogance; consciously bowing my heart to God for being my Creator. And He does not make anything slopply.

So, I can't continue to sacrifice for a man who doesn't know the meaning of selflessness. If he is dead set on looking out for himself, then it would be an injustice to him to give him something he isn't ready for.

His Size 12's in My Shoes...

I wish men could be women for...one. day.

The only way that they can truly understand our compassionate, complicated, sometimes tragic existance is to BE us. Not just experience the prejudiced system built around us, but also the firey battles that occur inside of us. I get that Men have a whole slew of warfare to face as well....so, I am inclined to look at the opposite sex with understanding.

However, I am frustrated at how often I am reminded that they lack understanding. Let me simply state that I seek to be a woman after God's heart. I want to remembered for my heart after Him. My kindness towards others. I want to leave an imprint on the people that knew me. These are the things MOST important to me...

..but I want a man to understand that my physical body is worth more than an occasional nod. I want him to appreciate and honor the temple God placed me in. He could have choosen for me to be any other race, or height, or build...with different eyes and a different mouth.

But He didn't. I look like me.
And I while I feel like beauty is in the eye of the beholder most of the time...I want my man to indulge in the beauty God invested in me. I don't want him to "tolerate" my looks just because he enjoys my mind/heart.

I'm not fishing for a compliment. Self-image has been an issue that I have battled with for most of my life, and I finally feel like I am gaining an advantage. So, those closest to me should not enable me in my weakness. I want to be (as the title of the book states) Captivating.

Men: do not tolerate our existance. Every hair on our head was destined.
Women are the climax of creation. God made sure that everything was in place before he made us. And the best part about that is that God wanted to take us out of the very BEST of His creation: Man. Meaning...we are a part of you. So don't treat us like we are from Venus. We were both created in His image...Cherish me like you would your own body.

Walk a little while in my shoes, and realize that beauty takes precedence over comfort most of the time.

So. You Think You're A Lady? (A Definition)

My mother is one of the classiest women I have ever known. No matter how many incredible ladies I will meet in THIS lifetime, no one will surpass my mother. Jesus is my example of Holy living, but my mother is my example for the standard of class and sophistication.

To my mother, I dedicate this note.


Sadly, most young women lack the 3 things that are imperitive in a Lady's character: Dignity, Wisdom, Spirituality.

Dignity- bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation; elevation of character.

Wisdom- knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.

Spirituality- predominantly spiritual character as shown in thought, life, etc.

......

As young women, especially young black women, we have been taught to take up for ourselves. Never let anyone talk you down. Don't back down from anyone. The definition of our character comes from the wrong places. Either we are known for our shape, or for our loud mouths. But a true lady not only knows what to say, but she knows how to say it, and in what situation its appropriate to say it.

Also, our presence doesn't demand respect. We will attract what is inside of us. If you attract disrespect, then its because you need to increase your amount of self-respect. Because the Holy Spirit dwells inside of you, you will treat it as a temple. This should effect what you put on your temple, put into your temple, and allow to come out of your temple. Covers just about everything, right?

"I'm just being myself, and I don't care who doesn't like it."

Excuse me, sister? You don't care? It's that type of attitude that bears the fruit of an unteachable, haughty spirit. This is not the character of a lady.A lady can disagree humbly. She does not HAVE to fight so intently against the stereotypes that try to bind us, because her presence subtly changes the atmosphere around her. She doesn't have to yell or be loud, because one look can express volumes, and you will know exactly how she feels. Now, she CAN get loud when the occasion calls for it, but her wisdom discerns when it is necessary.

She does not have to be self-reliant, because in everything she does, she relies on God for. He supplies her every need. There is no reason for her to chase a man, or break her back endlessly in her career, because she keeps her Father as her number one priority. She doesn't keep her ear to a music industry that constantly slanders her, nor does she listen to the words of the streets who attempt to enslave her. She quiets her spirit, turns off the noise, and concentrates on what her Lord has to say about her. This is where she finds her strength.

Young women, please pay attention to these words. You are far more valuable than you are presenting yourself to be. Your Lord, Your God, is King of the Universe, and you are His daughter.....

...honey, that makes you Royalty. You are a Princess.

Be encouraged.