Wednesday, July 28, 2010

She Said Chronicles, Part One: the Insecure Woman.

Since the moment I realized boys weren't so detestable, I've warred with the Other Woman. Each day that I look into my mirror, I hope that my curls fall distinctly in the right places, that my teeth are unrealistically white and toes perfectly polished, and that I can manage to go through the day without completely embarrassing myself. It's hard work, because I feel like I have to keep two steps ahead of her. I have to be uncomplicated, single-minded, and confident. Fun and mysterious. Sexy, but not slutty. I have to ensure that the carrot I dangle in front of him today isn't too close (because once he dines on it, he'll lose interest), but not too far away (because he'll see me as a lost cause). I can't let the other woman slip her way closer towards his heart, or I'll have to start all over. Walking to class, driving to work, or lounging by the beach I am constantly thinking and observing. Both him and her. I'm afforded the great task of sizing him, my potential, up. Not with too much scrutiny, because being picky certainly won't help. But also, I need to keep an eye on her. Funny thing is, she's a worthy opponent. Out of necessity and survival, I study her. But just when I begin to know somewhat her tactics or her movement, she switches something up. Her clothes, status, or motive.

She could be the cute Spanish secretary at my job. Or my cousin's summer fling. His ex-wife who can't let go. Or even his close friend that almost became his girlfriend. She could be my roommate. Or the co-worker that goes out of her way to listen to him. Or the random girl at the party that he had a great conversation with. The shapely White girl that sits behind me in class that eyes him when he comes to pick me up. Or some girl he went to high school with.

She could be anyone, appear at anytime. And the closer I get to him, the more I have to watch out for her. Our comfort could produce his complacency. And that's usually when she'll make her move. It only takes a moment; one swift, intentional move to realign the course of destiny. No matter how hard I try to make him won't make a difference in whether or not he leaves me for her. Or dates us at the same time. It's his decision, ultimately. And it's all because I am no longer enough. I'm lacking something. There was a bit of small print that I missed when I signed on to fall in love. There are certain stipulations that I did not see...and it makes all the difference, I guess. The difference between finding a man and keeping a man.

No matter how many men I lose to her, there is always the chance to lose love to The Other Woman again. She's like the perfect women with a set of unquenchable hungry eyes and soft lips that I can't seem to compete against. Because men chase her, not me. She is their greener side. Their dream woman. The one that can turn the head of any man, no matter his relationship status. She is the woman that is a valuable commodity in this world of high divorce rates and commitment-phobic lovers. Basically, I'm driven by gaining victory over her.

Honestly...What is it that I truly want?

Peace. Emotional security. And time to learn how to give him what he's secretly searching for.... in her.
My god, why won't he give me time to evolve? Extend his attention span to notice that past my weary face is a pair of shoulders bearing the weight of his world and mine. I get up at least 30 minutes earlier (on average) than he does, just so I can prepare to give to him....and anyone else who'll need something from me that day. So, the last thing I need is him leaving me for a falsified, care-free woman who is bound to turn into someone like me anyway...


  1. Wow! Great post first off, but let me speak 4 the man who isn't so eager to cheat with the other woman. I can tell u that in every relationship their is some form of neglect, whether it's emotional, sex, or just flat out not being there for the other half. We as indivials need to do a better job at monitering ourselves instead of our bf, gf, or spouse.Somewhere in watching him u could have forgotten to be understanding or attentive to what he really needs instead of what you think he wants. U hear it all the time when a woman says I do everything for my man, I cook, a clean I f ck him when he wants to get f ckd why did he cheat on me. But I say did u really do everythng or just what u think he may have wanted. Some Men need space from time to time especially when they are going thru somethng while woman may feel the need to be closer to him. So men need sexual attention when his woman wants to refrain from having sex with him as if it's sometype of punishment, and some men needs a understanding ear that's not always complaining about what he doesn't do. When u find a good man the other women isn't really the threat as u may think...actually u are because u are more than likely to sabotage ur relationship tryna compete with her.

  2. I completely agree. This is the tragedy of this sister's mindset. It's circular reasoning keeps her focus off of accepting herself and being the very best that she can be ...for her! :)

  3. Very nice read. I usually roll my eyes at mainstream chick lamentations but the imagery here is flawless! Thanks for filling 5 minutes of my life with good readin'!

  4. That was a GREAT read.

    I've found myself in very similar situations happening upon the dissolution or inevitable demise of practically each intimate relationship that has existed in my life. The thoughts that plague me are rampant with those of the "other woman." The fact that she could be anywhere at anytime and the possibility that she may be I've learned to quiet those thoughts, understand what's in my control and whats outside of it....all of this takes time and constant reconditioning though.

    If this wasnt the realest post on this matter I've ever read, not sure what it was.

  5. Absolutely incredible read here, B.

    I am actually speechless. There are so many things I would like to ask, say, add comment. But first I need to know if it's true?

    Sorry, but I just have to know.

  6. @ Jasmine: Thank you for reading sis. Let's continue to grow and become the women that we ought to be, if for no one else but for our Creator/ourselves.

    @ Don: hahah. Just let me say this: I write from experience. I have to fight off the return of this mindset often. Any other questions you know how to contact me. :)

  7. Oh, you beautiful and sweetly young woman. I don't mean that condescendingly, but endearingly - because once upon a time - I was the Queen of Insecurity! I learned the secret from years of living with my man.

    Do you know what secret you haven't been let in on??? HE - that would be Your ONE - he just wants you. He is looking for You, through a mountain of hers, and will never be satisfied until he finds You. The guy who leaves for someone else is just not your guy. He has some good things going for him... but YOUR guy couldn't be dragged away. He is someone else's guy, and he's looking for her, as your guy is looking for you.

    And the guy who cheats??? Well, he's nobody's guy yet. He's all about himself, what he wants, what he expects, what he deserves, what he needs.

    Your guy will be about you. He will want to bring to your life what YOU want, what surprises you, thrills you, is more than you think you deserve but just a pittance of what HE thinks you deserve.

    So, never be Someone Else - or you might find yourself stuck with Someone Else's guy - and trust me - you don't want him.

  8. @ Annie: You are a wonderful and well spoken woman. Thank you for gracing my blog with your words and your comments. :)

    I have been this lady before, but thankfully she's gone.