Me, Me, Me, Me, Me...

More ramblings of things I am figuring out about myself.
2011 is going to be a doozy, I can already tell....

1. My heart beats for quality time. If you don't like to invest your time in me, it is the equivalent of a slap in the face. My true friends seek to spend time with me, not just tolerate having me around.
2. I get annoyed really, really easy. And even though I am working on not showing it outwardly, I will always have an inner reaction. Kind of like rolling my eyes at you in my head.
3. I'm still waiting on my BIG MOMENT. Not sure what that means yet. I really feel there is something significant that I haven't done yet. But I know its coming.
4. I enjoy being hospitable. Like, really enjoy it. It's important to me for people to enjoy being in my home; comfortable, well-fed, and entertained. I want to have a night where people lose track of time and are at my house until the wee hours of the morning. I'm scared I'm not that interesting yet, though.
5. My need to get in shape has become more about livelihood and vitality and less about my figure.
6. I have quite an ear for music. I appreciate actual instruments and harmony in a song...which is why I'm so picky of what I listen to...
7. I'm tapping into my "go with the flow" mode. I'm planning on taking a lot of chances this year, and bounce back 100% times faster if they don't work out.
8. Two things give me a headache without fail: Stress and Not eating.
9. I don't want anymore close friends right now. I need to cultivate the relationships I have.
10. Last year, I struggled with really wanting to get married. I haven't had a single thought like that so far this year. Now, I am thrilled I'm not getting married anytime soon. Thrilled, I tell you.
11. Three things I love right now: Books, Welch's Concord Cherry Grape Juice, Big singing voices
12. Above all things, God has been my counselor. I've had a pretty lonely road, so I'm glad I had/have him to release my pain to.

What I Did in 2010

My, oh my. What a year it has been for me. List is in no particular order...

1. Moved into my first place ever.
2. Got a new job as a graduate writing tutor.
3. Traveled more than I ever have; from VA to NJ, NY, SC, NC, DC, OH, and NJ again
4. Saw an amazing concert and actually talked to the lead singer. (I love you Phonte)
5. Ate a White Castle burger in the Bronyx.
6. Sat in a recording studio as my bf recorded poetry tracks
7. Performed poetry at a wedding
8. Applied for 40 summer jobs -- got 0. Applied for 30 jobs in VA -- got one of the best jobs on campus.
9. Ended my 2nd year as a Resident Assistant
10. Managed to not flunk out of graduate school
11. Retired straight hair
12. Obtained three side hustles: greeting card writer, professional blog writer, and manuscript editor
13. *** ****** ***
14. Exercised more forgiveness than I thought was possible
15. Dealt with jealousy, fear, and self-preservation (the three enemies of a relationship)
16. Witnessed the death of The Triangle
17. Saw three of my friends entangled in their own triangle
18. Learned a few phrases in Korean
19. Went to Victoria's Secret and saw a specialist. :)
20. Switched cell phone services and bought the Best. Phone. Ever.
21. Had my surprised birthday plans ruined...but plan B involved spending more money at once than I ever had. Had a blast doing it.
22. Gave my blessings to at least 10 friends who got engaged.
23. Had my first Five Guys burger.
24. Got therapy; professionally and semi-professionally
25. Turned 25. Feels great.
26. Put counseling techniques into practice and actually helped someone in the process.
27. Drove from VA to SC all by myself.
28. Went to a nightclub for the first time. Eh.
29. Almost got published.
30. Baked cookies at least once a week.
31. Went to the Holocaust museum. Changed my life.
32. Had a few amazing photo shoots.
33. Got to the 3 year mark with the bf. Many are holding their breath for the moment I get the ring..except me. :)

Fall Break

1. I performed at George Mason University. Shared the stage with people who hated Christians and thinks the Bible is a joke. Left with their respect and understanding of our differing views. Had a blast. 
2. Left the Liberty/Lynchburg bubble. Hallelujah.
3. Laughed more than I ever have in a very long time...
4. Didn't drink, smoke, or go to a club. And still had the time of my life.
5. Was encouraged and blessed.
6. Shopped.
7. Slept.
8. Spent a whole day in DC, where I ate an out-of-this-world lunch at my favorite spot (Busboy's and Poets) and went to the Holocaust Museum. I've never had my heart broken over my own humanity so many times over the course of 2 hours before.
9. Shopped.
10. Took tons of pictures.
11. Played outside of my comfort zone. New comfort zone established.
12. Heard dope new music...including an unnamed college jazz group who had voices that left me breathless.
13. Navigated the DC Metro system without any help. :)
14. Ate my first Five Guys burger. Soooo good, but will be going to the gym frequently for the next few weeks.

My gem of DC....

Me sitting outside the Smithsonian Information Center...

Me outside of a building on 13th street (I think it was...lol). It's Colombian art...
 

Taken before going into the Holocaust Museum...the Department of Agriculture reflecting off of the window...

Dream Girl. (A List)

I am 24 and are still considered an unmarried woman.  I've made plenty of mistakes, but have gained a bit of wisdom in the process. Granted, some of this list is pretty obvious, but you'd be surprised how often we've/I've intentionally did the opposite.

1. Keep your priorities straight. Despite popular opinion, a relationship for an unmarried person should be at about 4th or 5th on the list. With God being 1st, family 2nd, academics 3rd, and work/life goals 4th. A man can tell if he is too high (or too low) on your priority list.
2. Don't reveal too much, too soon. This applies to anything regarding intimate pieces of your Self. I can't tell you how many girls I've known that were heartbroken over a guy they've only known (not dated, known) for 6 months. Enjoy the process. And if you're trying to keep up with other couples, then you're probably going too fast.
3. Value yourself, completely by yourself. Solitude is a beautiful thing, and is valuable even in relationships. If you're waiting for a person to make you feel whole, then you're setting yourself up for consistent disappointment. Plus, the time spent away will rejuvenate you and enrich the time you have with the other person.
4. Learn to let your hair down. First of all, this requires you to be comfortable in your own skin. Many women make the mistake of over-primping themselves when they know they'll see their significant other. If you are serious about this man, show him you AS IS. This applies to the soul, as well. I know that you're a strong, powerful woman, but learn to let that wall down...one brick at a time.
5. Do some revision of that "must have" list. Sometimes our high expectations can be hazardous...in any relationship. Be wise, but gracious of others humanity. A man who feels safe to be himself is sure to give you the love you desire.
6. Learn to cook. (If you're not much of a cook, at least master the basics.)
7. Be competitive, not docile. Meaning, don't just let him win the basketball game. A man, though his ego may be bruised, loves it when his woman makes him step his game up. And engaging in any physical or competitive sport is always a good thing to share in a relationship.
8. Have a sense of humor, and a hearty laugh. Those cute giggles will get annoying because they're not genuine. Stop coaxing his ego by laughing at his wack jokes. Instead, use a healthy amount of sarcasm. He'll be pleasantly surprised at your wit...because it keeps him on his toes. Which men like.
9. Have a hobby or skill that he doesn't. It's good to share talents, but he'll appreciate that you're cultivating some other passion a part from his input. 
10. Have an open mind. You don't know everything...so don't pretend you've got all the answers. This attitude will turn you into the classic "nag" that helps make a loveless marriage.

Best Romance in Cinema (My Comprehensive List)

Many romance movies borderline a pointless pornography theme, and others dupe the consumer with emotional propaganda that, in no way, represents True Love. However, in my lifetime I've come across many films that stand out. With its genuineness, creativity, and heartfelt message on the love that exists between two people. Granted, I appreciate a good "romp" film or chick flick like the next female 20-something, but only those mentioned are what I classify as Romance.

{Idea taken from my friend, Don.}
This list is in no particular order.


1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
This is one of my favorites. The premise of being able to try and literally erase one's ex from your memory, but then attempting to reverse the process, is such a creative concept for a love story. Many of us would like to permanently remove hurtful memories, conversations, and circumstances from the brain. But it gives me a really good feeling when the heart seems to defy the mind and choose to cherish the memory. Jim Carrey is brilliant in this too, and the scenes allow you to vividly travel with him as he fights to get her back.







2. Love and Basketball
I'd say that Brown Sugar is a close runner-up to this movie, but I'll choose this one because of its sentimental value to me when I was a teenager. Classic tale that depicts real circumstances of a young, Black couple that everyone seemed to relate to. This movie struck a cord with me because I was in love with a ball player in high school too (who wasn't, for that matter?). I sort of lived vicariously through Sanaa's Monica because I hoped one day that he'd recognize how amazing I was and we'd both fall madly in love. Eh not exactly my story. Regardless, it was still heart-wrenching to watch the moments after she'd lost that final game and Quincy (played by the gorgeous Omar Epps) said, "Hey...double or nothing." This movie showed me that what is meant to be, truly will be. And this movie has an AMAZING soundtrack, by the way.



3. The Notebook
I'm sorry, this movie still makes me cry like a newborn. It's story is too beautiful to be ignored, and it stays with you long after you've finished watching it. In typical Nicholas Sparks' fashion, where one or both characters die, he still manages to promote the theme of Love that is truly selfless. This principle is a gem in the the midst of movies where women leave their boyfriends for flings had abroad or formed through some great, but short-lived adversity. Many movies show how quickly people are to forfeit commitment for excitement, but this movie emphasizes the opposite. At first viewing, I cried because of the thought, "This is so unfair! How can this happen to two people who love each other and fought so hard to be with one another?" After watching it several times, I realized that their Love was strengthened by her disease, not crippled by it.



4. Moulin Rouge
Another movie that never fails to leave me surrounded by wads of tissue. Not only is this movie a musical (which I absolutely love), but it's beautifully made. It's theme of "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and to be loved in return" is promoted as a philosophy in life; which is what is left with the viewer...rather than a mere feeling. It carries the same realness & transparency as Pretty Woman (which deserves an honorable mention on this list, if I had the room): True Love is able to help a person desire the best out of life. Nicole Kidman's Satine is a woman of ill-repute. Nonetheless, Ewan McGregor's Christian helps her fight to choose a better life for herself. Love makes you want to be your best; for yourself and for that person.



5. Away We Go
This is one of my recent favorites, because it is a straight-forward portrayal of a young couple and their struggle to find their place in the world; together. The movie is hilarious, but has an element of intelligence with its characters (who are all portrayed by great actors with memorable characters). This movie isn't well known, but the fact that it slipped somewhat under the radar makes it special to me. I could heartily relate to Maya Rudolph's Verona and  fell in love with the charm and kindness of John Krasinski's Burt (which is an awful name, but actually adds to his lovableness). Ultimately, you grow to care about the couple and pray by the end of the movie that they find as much happiness in the world as they've found in each other.




 6. Slumdog Millionaire
First off, Bollywood movies are the best. I was pleased to find out that this movie followed in the Bollywood cinematic tradition, and was not let down while watching it. Beautiful film! It has a rich historic feel that gives as much emphasis on the life of Dev Patel's Jamal, as his struggle to rescue his long lost love. This movie, more than any other movie I can think of, is so much more than a romance.








 
7. Shakespeare in Love
I adore this movie, because I'm a huge fan of Shakespeare. In my opinion, it is the best explanation of Shakespeare's relation to his Romeo & Juliet. I believe all stories are written from some part of the writer's experience, and I'm sure Shakespeare had a muse to inspire Romeo & Juliet. Combine a beautiful storyline, great actors, and a script that would make Shakespeare proud, and you have a solid romance film. My favorite character is actually Judi Dench who brilliantly played Queen Elizabeth.






 
8. Titanic
C'mon. This is one of the greatest love stories of my generation. I've never had my heart broken while watching a film before....until I dared go to the theater (Yep. And that's a long time to sit in a theater chair, too) with family to view this historic tragedy. I'd never even learned all about the Titanic prior to....so not only was I (at 12 years old) faced with the grave fact that so many people senselessly died on that ship, but that there is the realization that a potentially great love was cut short in the process. And these lessons are still with me to this day.






 
9. Beauty and the Beast
Yeah, it's a cartoon. So what? I remember watching this a child, and desiring to have a heart just like Belle: kind and selfless. She was portrayed to me as a heroine that ended up being rewarded for her character. Despite her seemingly disconnected nature with those around her, she still possessed the noblest view of life and love. Quite a pair of shoes to want to walk in; despite the fact that they were first drawn on paper. Magical, be it may, it still resounds an important truth to kids and adults alike: Love is only as powerful as it is unconditional. For that, Disney got it completely right.






10. Forrest Gump
Laugh if you want to, but I've never seen a man love a woman as much as Forrest loved Jenny. Not only is this one of my favorite movies of all time, it's a favorite romance movie of mine. He traveled the world, and found himself in the center of history a number of times. Yet, in the midst of all that travel, he never mentally left his back yard...which is this place where he protected his love for the only woman he'd ever loved. The relationship Tom Hanks' Forrest has with Robin Wright's Jenny is both heartbreaking and hopeful. Love's known to be like that sometimes...

Wishlist (Repost)

I want to be wealthy, but live especially below my means.
With a warm, welcoming house to raise my kids in; one that will grow up with them.
And a room full of books and a large window where my spouse and I can write and read.
I want the biggest room to be the kitchen...

And I want to be able to see the stars at night, and have a back yard in case we decide to get a dog.
I want to grow my own vegetables.

[I can picture helping my little girl plant her first batch of tulips.]

I want laughter, joy, and chaos.
A messy house every now and then.
Mischief on Saturday mornings and intimate whispers late at night.

I want adventures that were not planned or expected.

I want to love on children that aren't my own.
And write for the rest of my life; never retiring from it.
I want to love/be with my best friend for the rest of my days, and have children that will have his kindness and my strength. I want him next to me as we introduce life's adventures to them.
I want to hold & kiss my great-grandchildren.

I want to touch people's lives by acting out God's love.
Be a walking, breathing message that He is real.
I want to leave the world having gave all I had; leaving my best behind for my children.

I want to grow wiser with age, but keep a youthful heart.
To love my full head of gray hair and worn hands.
I want my inner beauty to grow as my body's slowly dims.

And live my life as one, huge act of gratitude...

200.

My 200th post! Feels pretty exciting...
Mainly because I've been able to stick with something consistently. And with all of the changes that have taken place in my life since my first post,  I'd say that this is somewhat of an achievement. Or maybe I'm just a know-it-all (lol)....either way. Here it is: number 200...


Random thoughts:

1. My pride of having a black president is starting to wear off, and I'm getting increasingly worried that President Obama may be completely ignoring civil opinion. I fear many things about the future of America. One of them being that our first minority president is being corrupted, despite all of his good intentions coming into office.
2. Why are all of these music artists coming out with reality shows about their lives? Truthfully, I don't care how you grew up (which doesn't take a whole season to reveal) or your struggle to put together a huge birthday party in Miami. Even though your music may speak some relevance to me, I cannot relate to your current woes about which island in the Caribbean to spend Christmas. I don't care.
3. This summer is confirming to me that hell is not an option.
4. I need more fun in my life; whether I have money at the time or not.
5. I hate it when my beloved is stressed out. More so when I see that he's attempting to handle it all on his own; trying to convince me that nothing's really wrong. He doesn't know that I see him more than he thinks.
6. I need to get married. Now. This limbo between seriously committed couple and engaged couple is getting old. lol And I'm only partially kidding...
7. I love my hair. Thank you Kinky-curly :)
8. I don't care if Drake sold almost 500,000 units in his first week. I still do not like his music. 
9. My perfect concert: Janelle Monae/VV Brown with B.O.B & Lupe Fiasco (I love alternative Hip Hop/Soul. I can get my rock fix with some bomb instrumentally thorough tracks that have dope lyrics).
10. I'm doing 25 HUGE. I'm already planning...

Men to Avoid. (A Comprehensive List)

1. The Fiend
I understand that it is a bit of a challenge for both men and women to exercise self-control when it comes to sex. Especially men. Our culture is sexually saturated and that actually weakens the will to keep sex separated for (truly) committed relationships. If you find yourself with a guy who 1) cannot keep his hands off of you at your prompting, 2) makes sexually explicit jokes/references often enough to make it uncomfortable, or 3) has significantly lower/no standards than you when it comes to sex, then you need to leave him alone. [Special mention: If you find porn on his computer/in his DVD collection: run!] This poor guy is not capable of contributing the real work it takes to maintain a relationship outside of the bedroom. No matter how much he brags on his sexual prowess, know that he is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually impotent. Also, you need a guy who you can be sure will protect your integrity, (whether you have been sexual or not).

2. The Passive-Aggressive
In the post-era of the Woman's progressive movement, the sexes are maneuvering on a more equal plane. However, there are some extremes that have been traded in for others. Despite popular opinion, the majority of women still want a "knight-in-shining armor". A protector. A man who will stick up for them at a moment's notice and not be afraid of standing up for what's right. Also, women (as much as we hate to admit it) need a man who will correct us respectfully. [I'll place the emphasis on correct, since respectfully should be a given.] Beware of the guy who is too soft to stand up to others, much less stand up to you. If he doesn't have the self-respect to divide right from wrong, then he is not adequate enough to stand next to you. He's still got some growing to do.

3. The Spiritually Mundane
This one gets a lot of us into unnecessary trouble. First of all, I would suggest two things: 1)you are spiritually growing yourself, 2)that you date within your religion. I've noticed many women (myself included) set their standards too high in other areas (e.g. salary, no kids, etc.) and will accept the bare minimum when it comes to a man's religious walk. Know where your standard is spiritually and do not accept a man who will not actively encourage you to grow. If he shows no remorse towards his/your acts of immorality and isn't attempting to feed his spirit man regularly, then you need to show him the door. If a man cannot lead himself spiritually, then as a spiritual leader he may run a household into the ground.

4. The Momma's Boy
I've heard from a number of sources that if you want to see how a man will treat you; watch how he treats his mother. That is a proven truth. There is, however, an extreme that exists. It is one thing if he seeks wise counsel from his parents/mother, but it is completely unhealthy if he cannot make major decisions without consulting her. A guy who clings to his mother will eventually cling to you; which will lead to you being the stronger half of the relationship. If he seldom/never takes charge over little decisions, or if he consistently caters to your every whim without expressing his own desires, then you should take a step back and examine his heart. Is this his misguided attempt at wooing you or is he secretly afraid of having a back-bone?

5. The Caveman
This guy sees you as his personal porcelain doll. He explicitly thinks that women have a solitary place; which is at the man's side. He has no real regard for a woman as an individual, and is incapable of viewing her past her shapely thighs and alluring nature. To him, women are always nagging and emasculating. This is the guy who complains about women excessively while he's in between relationships. He has an exact philosophy when it comes to women and their behavior, but can't seem to figure out why he's still single. He can be quite charming when engaged in the Chase, but he is actually afraid of being truly vulnerable to the fairer sex. He thinks that as along as he can mentally dominate a female, that he is exerting his manhood. Steer clear of this guy. You do that, then you'll slowly drain him of his mo-jo.

6. The Opportunist
A real man makes things happen, but the extent of this man's hustle is limited to those he associates with. Be cautious when being pursued by him, because he will drain you of your ambition. A woman's hustle is born out of a necessity, and is maintained by a sense of survival. I think, however, the man's hustle is the complete opposite. If, while you're chasing your dreams, he's on the sidelines, then I urge you to give your relationship a second look. Seasons of failure are a given, but a man who has no vision of his own (for his own) is not a man to follow. Don't let him steal your shine...let him go find his own.

7. The Drama King
There is always something popping off with him. You can be relaxing at his house, waiting for him to get off of work. So graciously tidy up his place and start cooking him a meal to enjoy when he gets home. Much to your surprise, he comes in the house, overly upset that you cooked because he was in the mood for pizza. (extreme example, I know) This man loves to pick fights, because he has a sick desire to mentally and emotionally tire you. In moments where he is discontent with his life (temporarily or generally), he intentionally sets up "traps" in your conversations to start arguments. If 1) you are unsure what mood he is going to be in from one day to the next, 2)you notice his reactions never match the situation, or 3)you feel emotionally drained when you're around him, then you should get out of this relationship. These are the types of men who turn out to be abusers (emotional/physical).

Likes & Dislikes

Likes

• Ihop's International Free Pancake Day
• Naps
• Candid pictures that capture emotion
• Doggy bags from restaurants
• eBay
• Struggling to stop laughing
• Cult films that represent Black culture (e.g. Coming to America, Black Dynamite)
• Learning something new about him
• Feeling the peace of God immediately change my attitude
• A good quote

Dislikes

• Feeling rushed
• People who constantly take but never try to give
• Seeing a sweet kid shyly smile at you and then the frustrated mother snatch him away
• Getting up extra early to finish homework
• Crying from frustration
• Pushy, ungrateful people
• That one person that usually messes up the chill vibe in a room
• Double standards
• Going too long without reading my Bible

Wants & Needs

Wants

• skinny jeans & an external hard drive....still
• more money
• an amazing photo shoot with the best friend
• to know who my real friends are
• a vacation

Needs

• skinny jeans
• more discipline with the money I have
• intentionally make mental pictures of quiet moments with the best friend
• treat everyone with respect and dignity, whether they deserve it or not
• more moments to rest my mind

Interlude: Wants & Needs

wants

• A $100 to blow @ Forever 21
• A dope new hairstyle
• Skinny jeans 
• A new notebook
• One really good photo shoot
• Car (transitioning into a "need")
• More time on stage performing poetry
  

needs

• $ for the pending apartment
• My apartment to no longer be "pending"
• The focus/girth to completely fill the notebooks I have
• My computer to be fixed
• Emotional fortitude
• A summer/fall job
• Clarity with the avenue to expose a hidden talent
  

Wants & Needs

Wants

• My computer fixed/External Hard Drive
  
• A real bomb pair of skinny jeans
• Bling :)
• Sharing the stage with Phonte of The Foreign Exchange
• Jill Scott concert tickets
• Attend a guest lecture from Nikki Giovanni/ or Maya Angelou
• Discovery of another indie music gem
  

Needs

• Peace concerning trouble getting pregnant with my future husband
• Grace to do it right this time
• Clarity & Direction for future plans
• To be hidden away in the arms of Christ
• More adventures with my best friend
  

My Life According to [Jill Scott]

I adore this woman.
Her outlook on life, love, pain, and triumph speak to me.
I love the way she performs. How she professes to be a poet before a singer.
I appreciate how well she blends sophistication and unkempt passion.
Rage and Melancholy. Beauty and Humanity. God and the rest of us.

I copped this idea from N.Steven . The rules are: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)"

Pick Your Artist:
Jilly from Philly (BKA: Jill Scott)

Are you a male or female?
Fatback Taffy (ha!)

Describe yourself:
Can't Explain

How do you feel:
Talk to Me

Describe where you currently live:
Celibacy Blues

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
The Rain

Your favorite form of transportation:
A Long Walk Home

Your best friend is:
My Love

Your favorite color is:
Golden

What's the weather like:
Love Rain

Favorite time of the day:
8 Minutes to Sunrise

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called:
Slowly Surely

What is life to you:
Not Like Crazy

Your relationships:
I Keep/Still Here

Your fear:
Gettin in the Way

What is the best advice you have to give:
Easy Conversation

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Honey Molasses

Thought for the Day:
Wanna Be Loved

How I would like to die:
God Bless the Child

My soul's present condition:
Let it Be

My Motto:
The Fact Is (I Need You)

What I Know So Far...

...new things are headed my way. (I.e. Graduate school) So, I wanted to do a bit of reflecting to see what I've learned in this current season I'm in...

1. Forgive, and as quickly as possible.

[I know the size of the hurt can depend on the timing, but I've realized that pain & offense are two different things. Getting your ego bruised and taking a shot to the heart aren't the same. And while healing is needed for pain, an offense needs only to be released.]

2. Practice wisdom with honesty.

[The "honesty" trait is not an excuse to be rude. Hurting someone's feelings should be a risk only when speaking of things that matter (I.e. infedility).]

3. Be real, with yourself first.

[This is harder than it sounds. But it is a prerequisite for being real with others. The more you accept and love yourself, the more likely you are to be transparent and open to others.]

4. Reserve something for yourself.

[This is a struggle for me, because I love to share what I write and give my gifts to bless others. However, it is healthy to have some things (I.e. hobbies) that are for you. Just you.]

5. Practice saying, "I don't know.".

[The more we allow ourselves NOT to know, the better we are, the smaller we feel, and the bigger the size of our dreams and pursuits.]

6. Be Content.

[Why else did those bankers jump off of buildings during the Great Depression of the late 1920's and 30's?]

7. Watch cartoons, regularly.

[Try it...]

8. Read books and write hand-written letters.

[Trust me...]

9. Remember that Love has a definite Source.

[This eliminates worry, desperation, and lonliness in those Valley moments..]

and

10. Get closure where needed & let go of emotional baggage.

The #s List (2009 Version)

10 Things you wish you could say to ten different people:
1. "You know what? Man up, already..."
2. "You may be good at a lot of things, but there is one thing that you do extremely well...and that's hurt my feelings."
3. "What did I do to make you feel like you had to delete me out of your life?"
4. "Thank you. I appreciate you and your wife more than you'll ever know."
5. "I know he's your close friend...but remember...I still love him...and he loves me. So, please do not give me a reason to dislike you."
6. "Thank you for always being my best friend...on top of everything else. I love you."
7. "You are growing into a beautiful young woman that I love more and more. I hope you're in my life always."
8. "Thank you for just being there. You're my best friend, no matter how far a part we are."
9. "You have issues. And you need to deal with your anger...because you're hurting her, and it's hurting me."
10. "I love you more than I was prepared for. But I hope that time and space doesn't push me further from you. I hope it doesn't hurt us more than it helps us. I'm not afraid of what we represent. Just be here. Don't leave me."

9 Things about yourself:
1. I like plastic flowers.
2. I enjoy giving things away.
3. Purses are my new secret fetish.
4. I want to paint just one original piece of art.
5. I love connecting with people.
6. I enjoy rummaging through old bookstores.
7. Scrapbooking = <3
8. If I had no choice...I wouldn't mind going without make-up for the rest of my life.
9. I could be a movie critic...and be good at it.

8 Ways to win my heart:
1. Genuinely love children.
2. Possess people-smarts.
3. Know your 90s trivia.
4. Love taking pictures (and being in them).
5. Blog
6. Regularly read others' blogs.
7. Say something politically incorrect with conviction.
8. Give others hope.

7 Things that cross my mind a lot:
1. My parent's health.
2. My relationship/friendship with him.
3. My walk with God.
4. Poetry/writing (what could I write next)
5. Money
6. Grad school
7. The Future

6 Things I do before I go to sleep:
1. Eat a snack.
2. Bathe/change into pjs.
3. Talk to parents.
4. Check email/FB/Myspace/Blogs
5. Text/call him.
6. Listen to music.

5 People I couldn’t live without (Other than God):
1. My mom
2. My step-dad
3. My father
4. My nephew
5. My papa

4 Things I am wearing right now:
1. shorts
2. gray wifebeater
3. underwear
4. silk hair scarf

3 Songs that fit my life perfectly(right now):
1. "Surrender Saved My Life" by The Beautiful Republic
2. "Falling in Love in a Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg
3. "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" by Lauryn Hill

2 Things I want to do before I die:
1. Have a family.
2. Write a best-seller.

1 Confession:
He loves me....but I'm afraid that my best friend and I won't ever get back together. I have no basis for this fear...but that's where it is.

Likes & Dislikes (Edition for May)

Dislikes:
Rehashing an old argument
Accidentally chipping off fresh nail polish
Scratches on touch phones
Laugh tracks on sitcoms
Indecisiveness
Folk overly involved in politics and not nearly involved in people
The amount of gossip blogs on the net

Likes:
A throwback song coming on when my iTunes is on shuffle play
Q-tips
a random text from a friend
peach cobbler
the endless amount of pictures I own
getting an heirloom from an older family member
my favorite graphic tee
clarity
recalling a scripture that applies to a current situation
blogging ;)

Random photo of how I feel right now:

Likes & Dislikes (April Version)

Dislikes:
homework with 30 days of school left
cheap flat irons
cold wind
people who lack integrity looking to help you
stinky feet
people who stare
getting to know a severely socially awkward person


Likes:
intimate conversations
texting
photography at the park
making a wise decision
hearing about an answered prayer
laughing until tears
discovering a new music genre

Confessions&Admissions (Smile)

I scooped this from Ms.Londondiva and I thought it was a great idea...snatch it if you want. [Enjoy.]

10 Things you wish you could say to ten different people:
1. Leave me alone...please.
2. You are NOT that cute sis...please save what little you have left of your dignity and sit down sumwhere...
3. Calm down...I am over you.
4. I trust my man, but I don't know you. I'm not the jealous type...but don't give me a reason.
5. I would leave everything and everyone behind for you. So let's do it...RIGHT NOW.
6. I'm sorry, but I honestly don't like you all that much.
7. ________ really hurt my feelings...and I don't trust you like I used to.
8. I don't want to move back home after graduation.
9. For all we do...you don't pay us enough.
10. You make me feel like crap.

9 Things about yourself:
1. I like to bake.
2. I am a fashion fiend with no money...ironic combination.
3. I want to write for the rest of my life.
4. I can sing. Quite well, actually.
5. I'm madly in love with a man that I want to be my husband but scared to death that he isn't.
6. I like computers & gadgety things...
7. I love to sleep.
8. I don't procrastinate, actually...I just hate deadlines or being rushed. So, I guess I'm slow-paced out of spite.
9. Jesus is my everything.

8 Ways to win my heart:
1. Have an deep appreciation/gift for writing.
2. Love God genuinely...lacking the stiff, religious ora.
3. Pay attention.
4. Be random.
5. Despise too many borders/boundaries.
6. No hidden motives.
7. Don't shy away from pictures.
8. Talk with conviction.

7 Things that cross my mind a lot:
1. Nicholas
2. A scripture that I recently read.
3. My plans for the next year.
4. My unborn children.
5. My latest mini-crisis.
6. Music lyrics/melody
7. Current poem topic I'm musing about

6 Things I do before I go to sleep:
1. Shower/bathe.
2. Eat a snack.
3. Wrap/comb/brush my hair
4. Pick out outfit for next day.
5. Talk to Nicholas on the phone/text him.
6. Pray

5 People I couldn’t live without:
(Keeping God as a given because He's the only one that I could NOT live without.)
1. My mom
2. My step-dad
3. My Nicholas...ha..I mean, Nicholas.
4. My Papa
5. (Interchangeable spot) My roommate Jess currently has this spot.

4 Things I am wearing right now:
1. Black spaghetti-strapped shirt
2. Short-shorts.
3. Slippers
4. An embarrassed look.

3 Songs that fit my life perfectly(right now):
1. "Get Up" by Mary Mary
2. "1st & Love" by Brandy
3. "Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood

2 Things I want to do before I die:
1. Publish at least 5 books...with at least 1 of them a best-seller.
2. Be a mother.

1 Confession:
I don't want to go any further. I have met "the One". His presence in my life is one of the few things that I am absolutely content/happy about.

This Is 2008....and I'm Out!!! ;0)

So. I got this list of questions from a friend who it got it from a friend...so I wouldn't dare claim authorship. Here we go...Happy Holidays folks. God bless.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

I got the Keys to the Campus..as a Resident Assistant for a dormitory floor. Which opened the door to a whole bunch of great fun/randomness. Before that...I was an Office Girl at a Inner-city kids camp (traveling further west than I ever had).

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I remember resolving to be braver. And though its been a fight...I have been. Next year...I'm kicking it up a notch.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yep. Friends @ home.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

::Kicks a pepple:: None, regretably.


6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A degree and an apartment (possibly).

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

My last night off while at Kamp. It was the night I realized that my man truly has my back. Oh and September 13th...the day my baby took me to celebrate my birthday. That was one of the best dates I've ever had.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surving RA responsibilites, maintaning an A/B grade average with 18 credit hours, having an active social life, and taking care of my man ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not taking enough time for myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I've had many, many headaches. But I havent' been seriously sick all year. Thank God.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My laptop!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My freshman girls living on the hall...they went through a lot and did so well.
And my baby, Nick. He took some major ego shots this year and maintained his kind heart.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Mmm. My school peers throughout the election.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Food. And my laptop.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Traveling so much & having the money to do it. I went to New Jersey, New York, and Missouri.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

"Get Up" by Mary Mary

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- i. happier or sadder? happier...definitely.
- ii. thinner or fatter? thinner.
- iii. richer or poorer? shoot...richer.


18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

smiling and letting go.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

being defensive.

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?

over and over again...but with the same person. And deeper.

21. How many one-night stands?

0.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

The Office, Seinfeld, and Family Guy still has the top spots (Thanks Hulu.com)


23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

The Devil is STILL a stupid liar...

24. What was the best book you read?

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. That book changed my life.


25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I got into Folk/Pop more this year....Ingrid Michaelson, KT Tunstall, Sara Bareilles, Colbie Caillat.

Two words: Michael Buble.

And the return of my girl, Brandy. That album is underrated to me.


26. What did you want and get?

Love, lessons, and friends.

27. What did you want and not get?

Straight A's.

28. What were your favorite films of this year?

Kung-Fu Panda, Seven Pounds, Dark Knight

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

At midnight my hall stormed into my room (at once) and sprayed me with silly string. They sang to me and gave me a crown that had lights on the front. Then we had cake while I did curfew checks...lol. Later on that day, I went to class, got a surprise in class from my baby, but had a miny breakdown because he couldn't hang out. :0) Happy 23 to me!!


30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More money in my pocket to do more.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Soft-core Bohemian mixed with a bit of Preppy.

32. What kept you sane?

My Bible, music, my RA partner/roommate, and my baby


33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Still in the running...Will Smith.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Faith's place in legislation.


35. Whom did you miss?

My circle of friends from back home and my baby.


36. Who was the best new person(s) you met?

People @ KAA & the entire dorm of 28-2.


37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

"Anything worth having is worth fighting for."


38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:


"And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned."

You'll never guess who this is from.....


....yep. Carrie Underwood. :0)

Only.Me.For Him.

Periodically I look at a picture of myself (like the one above, for example) and I ask the question: Who is this girl....really?

Question of the decade. Haha.
There were times where it drew blank stares. Grimaces. And sarcastic laughs.
If I were to ask those closest to me...they would give only a resume of my talents.
Others: a long list of likes, dislikes, and moods.
I dare no one would come closer to the truth than my mother...
...but even SHE would miss the essence by a mile.
No one spends more time with me...than me...so how is it that I've spent most of my lifetime stumped by this question?

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. "~Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905

I haven't been living a lie. More so I have been chasing one.
Absorbing the light of others and ignoring the steady flicker placed inside of my own soul.
Believing that if I impacted enough lives and spoke the right words that God would give me the acceptance that He has already offered. And promised.

Somewhere in the shuffle of the crowd I let go of His hand. So I tugged on endless shirttails asking, "Have you seen my Daddy?" Surely these nice people could help me find Him. But, the sounds of their directions/questions drowned out the voice of my Father calling for me. In losing Him, I lost me. But, it is thrilling how crystal clear my [true and redeemed] heart is when it has the light of His Glory shining on it...

1. I sing at the top of my lungs; getting lost in the melody and emotion. Carefree and joyous. A true lover of music.
2. I write from the depths of my soul. In whatever form it happens to flow into. Not for acclaim. And never for approval. Content takes precedence over grammar.
3. I am two opposites joined. Yin and Yang within myself. A more envious form of Bipolar. A healthier version of a Manic-Depressive. I am noisy and I am silence. I am serious and I am humorous. I am introverted and I am bold. I am cautious and I am fearless. Tender and Intense. I am high-top converse's and I am high heels. I am pink ribbons and black nail polish.
4. I believe in Truth. And Beauty. And Love. And I will guard them ferociously.
5. I am the Apple of My Father God's eye. He gave His life for me, and I owe Him my everything. His sacrifice tells me that I am special to Him.
6.. I am still learning. The color on my wings growing more vivacious, the smile on my face increasing in mystery. Look into my eyes and see that I've got a secret.

Now...look at that picture again...