The Way

I have been a Christian since I was a little girl. I remember sitting in church, next to my mom and older brother, and hearing the preacher talk about the love of Jesus Christ. I'd heard many stories in Sunday School and at home about Noah and the Ark, Jonah and the Whale, and Adam and Eve. I even knew about Jesus performing miracles and coming to earth as a little baby. I loved those stories. However, it was something about that preacher's words that made me feel a warm sensation in my chest.

"Jesus loves me"

I knew that my parents loved me. I knew that my cousins and other family members loved me. But I felt that they kinda had to since we were born into the same family. It wasn't inconvenient, but it was obvious that it had to be the norm. But why did Jesus love me enough to give his life?

Why me?

Maybe it is simply a really good story. A metaphor for how life on earth is meant to be. Maybe Jesus is simply a nice teacher who was more of an advocate for universalism than faith in One God. Maybe he didn't resurrect on the third day and his bones are tucked away in Osama Bin Laden's hiding place.Maybe it, like all other religions, are a construction of the intricate human psyche. Or maybe Buddha is just as significant as Jesus who is equal to Muhammad. Maybe god is a figment of my broken imagination. Maybe I am god and don't know it.

I don't have certainty. Philosophically, none of us can be certain of anything. But I have faith that Jesus did come to earth, as God and Man, and died for me out of love and compassion for my sins. So that I can be free in this life and the next. I have faith that that day I prayed to Jesus for the first time, he heard me and answered.

At times, my faith is made tangible. Through an unseen comfort in moments where I faced sorrow, heartache, and despair alone. Certain evidences have appeared in my life that have blatantly hinted at a truth I learned as little girl:

"Jesus loves me"

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
—II Timothy 3:14-17

How I Feel.

"With God all things are possible..." --Matthew 19:26

How I Feel. (July Photo Edition)

I only pretended I didn't need anyone.

You, with a Love as gentle as a whisper, found a way into my heart.

Now, I'm not so afraid to let them in anymore.

{1 John 3:16}

No Longer a Bridesmaid...

I loved to play dress up as a little girl.

I can picture myself placing my tiny feet into my mother’s high heels, draping her long dresses over my small body, and pretending that I was a kind mother or a strong wife. My favorite character to play dress up in was a bride on her wedding day. I clearly recall my mother pulling out her wedding dress from the back of her closet; carefully removing it from its clear, plastic bag and smoothing out the impressed wrinkles. She would gaze retrospectively at the dress; recalling how she felt on that day. I have had many talks with her, as well as many young women, about my anticipation towards wearing this special garment myself one day. No matter my relationship status, I possess a secret desire to don this piece of clothing that represents honor, beauty, and grace.

I’m surrounded by a culture that marries young, and I have yet to make significant strides towards that walk down the aisle. Somewhere around the entrance of my 24th birthday, I began to get slightly depressed about how distant I am from getting married. I talk frequently with 21 and 22 year olds who have recently tied the knot, and they (though enduring their share of problems that come along with getting married young) seem to be so grounded in their Love for one another. A part of me feels like I haven’t earned this privilege yet; the privilege of being committed to. That despite the hardships that are promised with being in Love, I haven’t arrived at the level to where I can wear that beautiful wedding dress and declare that I have someone who wants to Love me unconditionally. I can only be one of the bridesmaids; those who can celebrate and advocate for Love, but cannot relate to the demonstration taking place between the Groom and his Bride.

Participating in the celebration, but unable to take ownership of this Love.

Revelation 19:7-8 (English Standard Version)
7Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;
8it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

I have been so enamored by the timing that I will wear a physical wedding dress, that I have forgotten that I am already clothed. I am adorned in my spirit with grace, beauty, and honor through His salvation and holiness. My spiritual linens are pure and white, and every day my heart is being prepared for the day that He (my Groom) will return for me. Each moment that I commune with Him, I am reminded that before any man decides to declare his lifelong Love to me, I already hold the promise to “Love, honor, and protect” from God. Eternally. He has always loved me. He is my First Love. I am already a Bride….His. There is no “until death, do us part” in my Groom and I’s vows.

I am His now, and for always.

A Hope Above All Hope

What an uncertain, faulty world we live in.
It's like the things that we should be able to depend on, prove to be as undependable as the things we EXPECT to disappoint us.

Our jobs aren't secure. Our relationships can fail tomorrow by one lie, too many.
Our homes can be wiped out by hurricanes. The stock market can falter and leave even the wealthiest man destitute.
How can hope abound in a world like this?

Yet, I have a hope. An expectant hope. A hope that seems so untrustworthy, but has stood the test of time.
Many call me insane. Many say it is merely a crutch.
But I know that without this Great Hope, I would have nothing to focus on; past what this world appears to be. The sorrow would have completely overshadowed my soul. Taking me to a place so dark and hopeless, that no amount of familial love or material numbing technique could bring me to contentment.

It took forever to believe in Him. Every time the night was darker than the previous time, I looked to Him, questioning if He would come through for me like He did the time before. And He did. He was there, even when I thought He'd been long gone.

Hebrews 13:5 . . . God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Lonely In the Crowd

I have come to a decision.

I really need a Best Friend. Almost all of the people that I know in my life are there for a purpose, and a God-given purpose at that, but no one is here to offer me unconditional empathy and understanding. I am there to hold them in a strong embrace and listen to their problems and issues…stay up with them into the wee hours of the morning and pray with them…but no one is taking one second to be there for me. I am the loyal listener. The weeping heart for the pain of men. God’s given me the gift of mercy and affirmation, but my cistern remains dry most of the time.

And I’m not talking about advice. No…I get plenty of that. Everyone has a say-so in my situation on an intellectual and at times, a prophetic level. But mouths grow silent when I am not the one being strong. People are shocked when I am stand-offish and quiet; lacking the right words or the encouraging statement. I see turned backs and upturned noses when I am irrational and cruel.

And I cannot do this anymore. I can’t keep giving with no one willing to listen to me.

I get the patronizing “Are you okay?” but no one really wants to hear the answer. No one will grab me and hold me until each and every tear has left my eyes.

I recently texted a friend of mine to pray for me because of a issue I was going through with my recent dispersed relationship….she told me later that she would rather have not been in the middle… said a quick “Lord, help them” for me…and then went back to sleep.

I don’t have the time or the luxury to be weak in my life. I go to RA meetings and accountabilities in public places with people who ask me questions so that I can open my life up wide…but because there are schedules to keep and logistics to tackle…I keep a lid on what I say. It isn’t that I do not trust these people…I am longing for a Friend to completely trust and lay down my burdens to.

The reality is that I am surrounded by needy, broken people. And that I am myself.

In reading my Word, I noticed that every time Jesus attempted to get alone with the Father…or even with His closest companions…he was interrupted by the cries of the crowd. I understand that God is my life-force. He is my Best Friend. He is the only person that I can truly confide in…

…but who is my Beloved Disciple? Who are my best friends? Where are they? Why am I all alone in this?

Why am I facing the certainty of the Cross in solitude?

But didn’t Jesus? He had the disciples, yes. But they all fled. In His moment of intense need, they all abandoned Him. And there He was….enduring the sins of the world on that rugged tree….alone. And He cried out,

“Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani”

Even in that moment…Our Lord and Savior felt abandoned by God. His Father. He felt that God had turned His holy face away from the pain that His Only Son was enduring.

But He was there. Right there.

Regardless of His Father’s silence…Jesus paid it all.

For me.
For you.
For every lonely heart pushing through this crowded, overpopulated world.

That we would never again have to feel that coldness that Adam & his wife Eve felt as they stood looking through the outside gates of their lost paradise…

Gossip. (Prolouge)

How, I despise it so.

It is the acid that erodes any tight unit. It is the tactic of any wise enemy.

Proverbs 16:28 - A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

Life.Abundantly.

I am on a quest.

At the beginning of the fall semester, I came across the words, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."

For those of you who are unaware...this is John 10:10.
So, my quest is to figure out just what Jesus meant by "life, and have it more abundantly". I mean personally. For me. I am well accustomed to the first part of the verse, but at some point, I got tired of playing the martyr.

There are many things that have been taken from me. While I managed to hold on to a single strand of sanity throughout it all, I accepted the notion that I could end up living out the rest of my existence....empty-handed. And I thought that is what the Will of God was for me. What He was pleased with. I thought that is what He took notice of. What caught His attention. I used to picture myself as a small girl wearing a pretty yellow dress...with big brown eyes pleading for someone to tell me how pretty I looked. I took this mentality into my relationships...and even as I interacted with God, I figured that I must do something to win His approval. My poison? Suffering.

That's what "bearing your cross" is all about, right?
Wrong.


I've inquired of God these past few weeks about what does it really mean to have an abundant life. Does that include a fat bank account? Good health? A vast array of friends? A lucrative 401K plan?

Is it different for each person? How do we recognize it when we're living it? And how do we obtain it?

Well. This is what I've gotten so far:

"Living Life Inside-Out".

Change is accomplished and KEPT when it happens inside out. When we seek to change our surroundings or our environment, we should pray that the change begins inside of us. One of two things will happen:

1. We will literally change our environment for the better. And have grateful hearts.

or

2. We will see our environment change...but only because our perception of it has changed. We see it differently....and gain a grateful heart in the process.


It's an ancient concept, yet still remains true: your attitude is the only thing you can control. I am amazed at how the world around me morphs when I decide to change my attitude. I almost wished I'd thought of it first....


There is this song by Coldplay that astounds me...because it accurately states how I feel.


To my surprise, and my delight
I saw sunrise, I saw sunlight
I am nothing in the dark
And the clouds burst to show daylight

Ooh and the sun will shine
Yeah on this heart of mine
Ooh and I realize
Who cannot live without
Ooh come apart without
It

On a hill top, on a sky-rise
Like a first born child
On a full day, and a full flight
Defeat darkness, breaking daylight

Ooh and the sun will shine
Yeah on this heart of mine
Ooh and I realize
Who cannot live without
Ooh come apart without
Daylight

Psalm 62

This song will not leave my head....


"I Love You Lord" by Whitney Houston

I love the the Lord, he heard my cry
And pitied every groan, long as I, I live
And troubles rise, I hasten to his throne

[Chorus:]
Oh, I love the Lord
I sure do, surely do love the Lord
He heard, he heard my cry
And pitied every groan, yes he did
Every groan
Long as I live, long as I, I live
And troubles rise, troubles rise
I hasten to to to to to
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne
I'll hasten to his throne hold on hold on
Tears are streaming down my eyes
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

Yes I will, I'll run
I know I can go to his throne
I know I can go, I know I can go
I'll hasten, I'm gonna run
I know I can go, I know I can go
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

See I can run, Lord you know I will
When there is nowhere to go I know I can go to you
I know I can run to you oh
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his, his throne
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'll hasten, hasten to his throne
Surely gonna be here

There is no one else who is faithful like my Savior. Not even the love of my life can comfort me on a level that He can. I'm reminded of one of my favorite Psalms:


Psalm 62:5-9

5-6 God, the one and only—
I'll wait as long as he says.
Everything I hope for comes from him,
so why not?
He's solid rock under my feet,
breathing room for my soul,
An impregnable castle:
I'm set for life.

7-8 My help and glory are in God
—granite-strength and safe-harbor-God—
So trust him absolutely, people;
lay your lives on the line for him.
God is a safe place to be.

9 Man as such is smoke,
woman as such, a mirage.
Put them together, they're nothing;
two times nothing is nothing.

I can always rely on Him. In the dead of night, when pain and terror is at it's peak, He is there.When I am at my best, He is there, reminding me that it was only by His strength that I am still alive.Without Him, I am nothing.But in His arms, I need nothing else.

A Promise He Will Always Keep

"We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us...."

--Hebrews 6:18-20 (The Message Translation)

Getting Back Up...(Read and Be Encouraged)

Psalm 37: 24 says:

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand.

Proverbs 24:16 says:

For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again, but the wicked shall fall by calamity.

God's mercy is not a license to sin, but a daily need in my life. I should no longer make vows to myself, nor to other people, what acts I am not capable of, because God has shown me that without His Holy Spirit, I am capable of no good. This fact is not a chain on my neck, but it liberates me from my shackles that most call "living a Christian life". Until I allow God to live holy through me, it will seem like a burden or a chore. But this self-righteousness that I have seen inside of me grieves the heart of God. I am basically saying to him that I am capable of choosing good over evil without His help or guidance.

But, I have fallen on my face, and my actions surprised even me. God allowed me to roam away from his guidance for a moment (still protecting me) to show me that without Him, I AM NOTHING.

I say that to all of you who profess to be believers. We are nothing without the grace and mercy of God, given to us through the blood of Jesus Christ.

But...

With Him...We are everything. We are powerful. No evil hinderance or temptation can touch us or make us flinch an eyelid. We have authority over every scheme, trap, and terror.

Thank you Lord for this lesson. I love you.

Saints of God, read and be encouraged. I love you as well.

Your sister in Christ,

Spoken.Word.