Beware the Allure of Spring

It was a ripe 85 degrees today.

I live in an area where the weather tends to be a bit unpredictable. Tomorrow may be clammy and peaking in the 50s. You never know. Regardless, it is definitely spring time. My college campus is filled with bright eyes and colors, shorter dresses and Docker cargo shorts. The general sense of well-being is higher, because the climax of spring gives hints to the coming of summer. My peers and I wanting to track star through finals, sell the tattered couch in our apartments that we're soon to be leaving, and prepare for another summer adventure.

Love is definitely in a challenging mode. People are either planning summer weddings or looking to get out of their current situations. For those of us who aren't at least engaged, being single during the heightened time of the year is promising. No one wants to be held down during the summer, right? The last thing you want is for your boyfriend to call you every night the week you are para-sailing down in the Cape with your Ladies Bible Study group. Freedom is a beautiful thing, isn't it? And for every one person that clamored near Thanksgiving to find a Winter boo to exchange hellos under mistletoe by Christmastime, two are fleeing love in the opposite direction, towards the call of summer's heat and sense of adventure.

Can't say that I blame these track stars....Summertime is usually a tough time for relationships.

Maybe I'm paranoid. It has been my experience that I will return to routine in late August with a new betrayal to deal with.

...anyway...I digress...

I encourage adventure. I have a deep, gut feeling that my life is destined to be an adventure. And I wouldn't dare desire to keep this kind of existence from anyone.

But, I want to give a word of caution, whether you are single or taken. Be cautious of the pull of this season. Make sure that your desire for adventure doesn't lead to you hurting someone who stuck with you through hard times. If you think it is a good time for a clean break, then do this sensibly. Know yourself.

Remember that people, although sometimes undependable, are not to be like seasons, because seasons are always changing.

A Man Among Boys (Intro)

I am dating one of the most incredibly raw minds of this world. He sees his sporadic thinking as a flaw, but I believe that in moments where it acquires focus/purpose, he captivates the listener with a rare combination of wisdom, wit, and empathy. With that being said, it scares me when he feels that he cannot capture the respect/attention of other males. There is a part of his existence that has been backed into a corner, and I feel that speaking on his behalf would be overstepping my boundaries as the girlfriend.

His baritone has jarred me. Left me standing at full attention and ready to join him in both task and heart. While it is thrilling to watch his manhood stand out further among lesser Johns, I'm saddened that they secretly jeer at his words. And I'm unsure of the coming-of-age process. How men accept one another and respect the thoughts of another male. What convinces a male that he can stand in a man's shoes; fulfill his role, and gain the recognition of other men?

Sistah-Hood

What do you see when you look at this picture? I mean, besides the fact that this is taken from the gallery of Tyler Perry's movie adaptation of For Colored Girls....

I think of my mother being comforted by her three sisters and their mother while standing next to the grave of my brother. I think of the great bellows of laughter coming from the hair salon that I frequented as a child. I recall the knowing glances and outstretched hands that I have exchanged with another Black woman. Granted, I have the pleasure of knowing many beautiful women...across the entire palette of ethnicity. However, there is a deeper sense of unity that I feel when I, and other Black women embrace one another. Welcome one another. Encourage and affirm one another. Because we are known to bicker and be competitive. Tear down another because her hair is natural. Or relaxed. She's too skinny or flat-chested. Or too big. Lighter or Darker. Rough around the edges or materialistic. Carrying an infant or a Gucci bag in her arms.

It's nice to have kindred arms, though we are only connected through shade, hold you up. And it may not be done intentionally, but it always feels familiar. Sometimes, I have to double-take, because I could swear that the arms of my "sistah" feels like the arms of a "sister".

And One For All...

Love is the most beautiful gift that God affords humanity this side of heaven. It can be tangibly seen, touched, and affect every area of your life…many times without your permission. Rarely, you will have the object of your affection in front of you, and you’re afforded the great privilege of expressing exactly what’s on your heart to them. You are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in sync with another human being and are immediately (if only momentarily) able to understand why God surrounds you with people so unlike but identical to yourself. To be one of two hearts in a consistent exchange of positive regard and unconditional care. And it is beautiful because it feels right and familiar somehow…

But what of those moments where things have gotten so out of control that we look around and wonder how Love became a catalyst for such unrest and pain? What is the answer when men overstep their commitment barriers or when a woman abuses her lover’s trust? What of the victims of gossip, manipulation, and one-sided friendships? The heart that always gives but never receives anything in return…where can love be naturally applied? I am a living, breathing testimony that Jesus is the source for all healing when you’ve suffered heartache at the hands of those you love. He is truly all you need. However, what are we commanded to do with the deep, God-given, inner desire for camaraderie and acceptance? Are we to generalize our dependence on the Father by disconnecting with each other? Or is it that a part of our communion with the Father is directly connected to our bond with each other?

Even before the Fall, God declared that it’s “incomplete” that man is alone. Adam had God all to himself…and even still he was incomplete. Not quite finished. Loved and the most precious part of His creation, but still lacking an important element: a companion. Someone like him, but unique enough to exist as a separate person. Why did God take out a part of an incomplete man (his rib) to make him complete? I feel that He wants us to remember that we weren’t always separated.

I’m thinking that forgiveness and trust is not only for the wounded heart, nor for the transgressor, but for the bond broken. For the good of us all, and not just individuals. The moment I become especially distant from the hearts that divinely pump life around me, the more the voice of my own self-interest drowns out the gentle whisper of our Lord. Love can be horrible. Confusing. And the ultimate test of our lives designed to connect us deeper and stronger to each other, and ultimately, to God the Father. I am not proposing that walking away should never be an option, but we should never forget that we are human beings. And we need each other.

She Said Chronicles, Part 2: The Scorned Woman

I can remember the days when men saw me as beautiful and mysterious. They had a respect for my nature and valued my presence. It used to be that man would do anything possible to protect me...But now, men and pain are synonymous. I've become nothing more than a causality. Stuck in a grief-stricken state; held at the mercy of a man's desire. As each hungry, handsome face comes and goes, I am viewed only as something to be obtained, but never cared for. Possessed, but never cherished. In the beginning, I blamed myself...convinced myself that I was attracting these self-occupied neanderthals. But even after getaways with the girls, consistent church attendance, and 2 days a week in therapy...I arrived back at the original conclusion: Men only want; they never give.

Truthfully, I'm just tired. Most times, too tired to maintain my alertness. I manage to rest my guard so that I can allow a sense of peace into my bedroom. I begin to embrace the serenity I feel while I take up both sides of the bed; stretching my limbs across my solitude and breathe in long enough to taste the air. It's bliss, I swear.

And then it happens.

Another curious, handsome carnivore creeps his way past my office doorway. Or the seat next to me on the bus. Or the adjacent study table at the library. Though well-intentioned, he is like all the rest: a souped up suitor with a superman complex...seeking to be the cure to my disdain. In the end, I am worse off because of him. He is attracted to my contentment with being by myself, because he does/will not notice me until he sees that I am blessedly whole and happy without him. Yet he swears that loving him will add value to my life.

He sees me as fresh ground to tread, and secretly desires to tap into my virtue and rob it from me as if I am his fountain of youth. As my history constantly depicted, once I am depleted...he leaves.

And I roam through the same sad cycle of Pain, Recovery, Contentment, Pursuit, and Pain again. Over and over.

I wish they would all just leave me alone.
...Or love me.

She Said Chronicles, Part One: the Insecure Woman.

Since the moment I realized boys weren't so detestable, I've warred with the Other Woman. Each day that I look into my mirror, I hope that my curls fall distinctly in the right places, that my teeth are unrealistically white and toes perfectly polished, and that I can manage to go through the day without completely embarrassing myself. It's hard work, because I feel like I have to keep two steps ahead of her. I have to be uncomplicated, single-minded, and confident. Fun and mysterious. Sexy, but not slutty. I have to ensure that the carrot I dangle in front of him today isn't too close (because once he dines on it, he'll lose interest), but not too far away (because he'll see me as a lost cause). I can't let the other woman slip her way closer towards his heart, or I'll have to start all over. Walking to class, driving to work, or lounging by the beach I am constantly thinking and observing. Both him and her. I'm afforded the great task of sizing him, my potential, up. Not with too much scrutiny, because being picky certainly won't help. But also, I need to keep an eye on her. Funny thing is, she's a worthy opponent. Out of necessity and survival, I study her. But just when I begin to know somewhat her tactics or her movement, she switches something up. Her clothes, status, or motive.

She could be the cute Spanish secretary at my job. Or my cousin's summer fling. His ex-wife who can't let go. Or even his close friend that almost became his girlfriend. She could be my roommate. Or the co-worker that goes out of her way to listen to him. Or the random girl at the party that he had a great conversation with. The shapely White girl that sits behind me in class that eyes him when he comes to pick me up. Or some girl he went to high school with.

She could be anyone, appear at anytime. And the closer I get to him, the more I have to watch out for her. Our comfort could produce his complacency. And that's usually when she'll make her move. It only takes a moment; one swift, intentional move to realign the course of destiny. No matter how hard I try to make him happy...it won't make a difference in whether or not he leaves me for her. Or dates us at the same time. It's his decision, ultimately. And it's all because I am no longer enough. I'm lacking something. There was a bit of small print that I missed when I signed on to fall in love. There are certain stipulations that I did not see...and it makes all the difference, I guess. The difference between finding a man and keeping a man.

No matter how many men I lose to her, there is always the chance to lose love to The Other Woman again. She's like the perfect women with a set of unquenchable hungry eyes and soft lips that I can't seem to compete against. Because men chase her, not me. She is their greener side. Their dream woman. The one that can turn the head of any man, no matter his relationship status. She is the woman that is a valuable commodity in this world of high divorce rates and commitment-phobic lovers. Basically, I'm driven by gaining victory over her.

Honestly...What is it that I truly want?

Peace. Emotional security. And time to learn how to give him what he's secretly searching for.... in her.
My god, why won't he give me time to evolve? Extend his attention span to notice that past my weary face is a pair of shoulders bearing the weight of his world and mine. I get up at least 30 minutes earlier (on average) than he does, just so I can prepare to give to him....and anyone else who'll need something from me that day. So, the last thing I need is him leaving me for a falsified, care-free woman who is bound to turn into someone like me anyway...

Dream Girl. (A List)

I am 24 and are still considered an unmarried woman.  I've made plenty of mistakes, but have gained a bit of wisdom in the process. Granted, some of this list is pretty obvious, but you'd be surprised how often we've/I've intentionally did the opposite.

1. Keep your priorities straight. Despite popular opinion, a relationship for an unmarried person should be at about 4th or 5th on the list. With God being 1st, family 2nd, academics 3rd, and work/life goals 4th. A man can tell if he is too high (or too low) on your priority list.
2. Don't reveal too much, too soon. This applies to anything regarding intimate pieces of your Self. I can't tell you how many girls I've known that were heartbroken over a guy they've only known (not dated, known) for 6 months. Enjoy the process. And if you're trying to keep up with other couples, then you're probably going too fast.
3. Value yourself, completely by yourself. Solitude is a beautiful thing, and is valuable even in relationships. If you're waiting for a person to make you feel whole, then you're setting yourself up for consistent disappointment. Plus, the time spent away will rejuvenate you and enrich the time you have with the other person.
4. Learn to let your hair down. First of all, this requires you to be comfortable in your own skin. Many women make the mistake of over-primping themselves when they know they'll see their significant other. If you are serious about this man, show him you AS IS. This applies to the soul, as well. I know that you're a strong, powerful woman, but learn to let that wall down...one brick at a time.
5. Do some revision of that "must have" list. Sometimes our high expectations can be hazardous...in any relationship. Be wise, but gracious of others humanity. A man who feels safe to be himself is sure to give you the love you desire.
6. Learn to cook. (If you're not much of a cook, at least master the basics.)
7. Be competitive, not docile. Meaning, don't just let him win the basketball game. A man, though his ego may be bruised, loves it when his woman makes him step his game up. And engaging in any physical or competitive sport is always a good thing to share in a relationship.
8. Have a sense of humor, and a hearty laugh. Those cute giggles will get annoying because they're not genuine. Stop coaxing his ego by laughing at his wack jokes. Instead, use a healthy amount of sarcasm. He'll be pleasantly surprised at your wit...because it keeps him on his toes. Which men like.
9. Have a hobby or skill that he doesn't. It's good to share talents, but he'll appreciate that you're cultivating some other passion a part from his input. 
10. Have an open mind. You don't know everything...so don't pretend you've got all the answers. This attitude will turn you into the classic "nag" that helps make a loveless marriage.

Love & War

After much self-inspection, I am still not sure exactly how I survived the past 16 months. While I am grateful that a Being more sovereign than I saw fit to accompany me every step of the way, acting as a guide/protector, I am still taking inventory of all that my heart has endured. Years ago, I would have submerged myself into a vat of self-pity labeled "Victim-mentality", but with 25 less than 3 months away...I'm finding a different perspective. On what it means to live. Truly live. But foremost, on how to truly love.

One cannot be sure how strong the bond is between two people unless it has been tested. Taken through a variety of turmoil and even betrayal. However, I feel that it isn't just the strength of the love that's stressed, but the power of the Will of each person. At any moment after a betrayal or crisis, only one person is needed to decide not to continue. To be committed to another person is the weightiest vow a human being can give, because he/she knows that love alone just isn't enough.  We gladly give our lives (and rightfully so) to the notion of possessing love. To give ourselves completely to it. We innately desire to be disassembled by its ways; changing us from the inside out. Then, we realize that intense feelings can be duplicated from person to person. The addicting high that comes with connecting with another person can be experienced repeatedly (as you move from person to person)..and we can feed off of the excitement of an individual's mystery for years. The Love is there, but the Will has not yet taken the reigns.

The first time I fell in love, it ended because he slept with another woman. After 2 years of dating, we had just begun to get to know each other. It was my first adult relationship and we both knew early that we wanted it to lead to marriage. We were insanely in love and it drove our lives. I had just gotten over a 5 year crush/fling that left me empty and afraid. I was war-torn. I can remember the first time he held me, because it was the first time I'd ever been held like that by a man. I was intrigued and enamored by him. So, we allowed ourselves to be caught up in the ebb and flow of our love; with nothing else sustaining us. In retrospect, I believe that we could have worked it out. We could have taken this season of war and used it to strengthen a love that was already present. But we did not.

I allowed that relationship to form my original philosophy on relationships: Love is a Choice.

Afterward, I stopped being afraid of enduring war in Love. I realized it was necessary, and a testing agent to how strong the Love is. Currently, I am still in awe of how much stronger my heart is now. Because it had been broken, subtly and repeatedly. Others have broken it intentionally. However, my Love for my Beloved is so much stronger than it was 16 months ago. My choice to love him is as fiery and passionate as a summer fling, but it's girded with the stuff that allows Love to see its golden years.

Men to Avoid. (A Comprehensive List)

1. The Fiend
I understand that it is a bit of a challenge for both men and women to exercise self-control when it comes to sex. Especially men. Our culture is sexually saturated and that actually weakens the will to keep sex separated for (truly) committed relationships. If you find yourself with a guy who 1) cannot keep his hands off of you at your prompting, 2) makes sexually explicit jokes/references often enough to make it uncomfortable, or 3) has significantly lower/no standards than you when it comes to sex, then you need to leave him alone. [Special mention: If you find porn on his computer/in his DVD collection: run!] This poor guy is not capable of contributing the real work it takes to maintain a relationship outside of the bedroom. No matter how much he brags on his sexual prowess, know that he is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually impotent. Also, you need a guy who you can be sure will protect your integrity, (whether you have been sexual or not).

2. The Passive-Aggressive
In the post-era of the Woman's progressive movement, the sexes are maneuvering on a more equal plane. However, there are some extremes that have been traded in for others. Despite popular opinion, the majority of women still want a "knight-in-shining armor". A protector. A man who will stick up for them at a moment's notice and not be afraid of standing up for what's right. Also, women (as much as we hate to admit it) need a man who will correct us respectfully. [I'll place the emphasis on correct, since respectfully should be a given.] Beware of the guy who is too soft to stand up to others, much less stand up to you. If he doesn't have the self-respect to divide right from wrong, then he is not adequate enough to stand next to you. He's still got some growing to do.

3. The Spiritually Mundane
This one gets a lot of us into unnecessary trouble. First of all, I would suggest two things: 1)you are spiritually growing yourself, 2)that you date within your religion. I've noticed many women (myself included) set their standards too high in other areas (e.g. salary, no kids, etc.) and will accept the bare minimum when it comes to a man's religious walk. Know where your standard is spiritually and do not accept a man who will not actively encourage you to grow. If he shows no remorse towards his/your acts of immorality and isn't attempting to feed his spirit man regularly, then you need to show him the door. If a man cannot lead himself spiritually, then as a spiritual leader he may run a household into the ground.

4. The Momma's Boy
I've heard from a number of sources that if you want to see how a man will treat you; watch how he treats his mother. That is a proven truth. There is, however, an extreme that exists. It is one thing if he seeks wise counsel from his parents/mother, but it is completely unhealthy if he cannot make major decisions without consulting her. A guy who clings to his mother will eventually cling to you; which will lead to you being the stronger half of the relationship. If he seldom/never takes charge over little decisions, or if he consistently caters to your every whim without expressing his own desires, then you should take a step back and examine his heart. Is this his misguided attempt at wooing you or is he secretly afraid of having a back-bone?

5. The Caveman
This guy sees you as his personal porcelain doll. He explicitly thinks that women have a solitary place; which is at the man's side. He has no real regard for a woman as an individual, and is incapable of viewing her past her shapely thighs and alluring nature. To him, women are always nagging and emasculating. This is the guy who complains about women excessively while he's in between relationships. He has an exact philosophy when it comes to women and their behavior, but can't seem to figure out why he's still single. He can be quite charming when engaged in the Chase, but he is actually afraid of being truly vulnerable to the fairer sex. He thinks that as along as he can mentally dominate a female, that he is exerting his manhood. Steer clear of this guy. You do that, then you'll slowly drain him of his mo-jo.

6. The Opportunist
A real man makes things happen, but the extent of this man's hustle is limited to those he associates with. Be cautious when being pursued by him, because he will drain you of your ambition. A woman's hustle is born out of a necessity, and is maintained by a sense of survival. I think, however, the man's hustle is the complete opposite. If, while you're chasing your dreams, he's on the sidelines, then I urge you to give your relationship a second look. Seasons of failure are a given, but a man who has no vision of his own (for his own) is not a man to follow. Don't let him steal your shine...let him go find his own.

7. The Drama King
There is always something popping off with him. You can be relaxing at his house, waiting for him to get off of work. So graciously tidy up his place and start cooking him a meal to enjoy when he gets home. Much to your surprise, he comes in the house, overly upset that you cooked because he was in the mood for pizza. (extreme example, I know) This man loves to pick fights, because he has a sick desire to mentally and emotionally tire you. In moments where he is discontent with his life (temporarily or generally), he intentionally sets up "traps" in your conversations to start arguments. If 1) you are unsure what mood he is going to be in from one day to the next, 2)you notice his reactions never match the situation, or 3)you feel emotionally drained when you're around him, then you should get out of this relationship. These are the types of men who turn out to be abusers (emotional/physical).

The New [Old] Standard.

Guess what? Your way of Love just isn't cutting it.

Be More.

Cop Sho Baraka's newest album, Lions & Liars.

192 hours.

For the past 8 days, loving him has been like enduring open heart surgery without anesthesia. Metaphorically speaking, of course.  All of my theories and convictions about love are undergoing great scrutiny, and sometimes I can't tell my heart from my head. On a brighter note, they are finally starting to come to an agreement: Love is a gorgeous mess.

For the past 3 years (almost), I've been one of three corners in a technical love triangle of friendlationship. (Yes, friendlationship is friendship + relationship. Hear that, Webster?) Infidelity was avoided, but I still ended up being the victim of betrayal. Ultimately, my desire was to keep this out of the blogworld until time created a healthy amount of distance between the confession and the pain that ensued. However, my words provide me healing. Hopefully, it will give my readers the same benefit.

If you read between the lines of my love and I's story, then you will see annotations of another significant bond in his life. This bond, while purposeful in its valuing of genuine friendship, carried the weight of the "What If". Granted, it was incapable of stunting the progression of passion between my love and I. Nonetheless, the fantasy of potential was fed, subtly...until the moment it was strong enough to take on a life of its own. This significant moment fell parallel with the season we took a breather from The Title, mind you. I think the instant I knew that I loved someone who had questionable feelings for someone else, I realized that it would always be the three of us. The night I held his confession letter, I was escorted back to that night I saw him holding her from the reflection of my darkened computer screen. It felt like deja-vu, almost. Although I didn't understand why my heart felt heavy that night so long ago, the rush of past connecting with the present gave me clarity. And it only took me a second to track through every conversation, each moment I quieted the sickening feeling in my gut, and every instance I forced myself to trust him.

My love and I are well on our way to recovery and reconciliation. However, my interaction with the third corner is in a peculiar place. I know most would say that reaching out to her is unnecessary, but my heart beckoned me to. She is peculiar to me, because I'm told that she places only a feather's weight on what happened. Therefore, my attempts to reconcile seem to come off annoying and juvenile....and she is well within her rights to ignore me and my heart. Although it pains me, I will shake the metaphorical dust off of my feet and try to repair and rebuild. I am allergic to dysfunction, but I will not run from it. I'll choose, instead, to war with it.

My love is actively working to gain my trust back. As with the third corner, she sees no point in responding to my extension of forgiveness. No worries, though. I have her scent; matched with a keen sense of smell.

**Update (March 22, 2010): I've talked to the third corner and from our conversation, I've gained closure about her.

Out In the Cold.

Love subjects you to the worse kinds of treatment. It is literally a call to submit one's will to that of another. That may mean forgiving an offense quickly. Biting your tongue when misunderstood. Embrace when you're not ready to. Love never looks out for itself...it is constantly, intentionally self-less.

Easier said than done.

Oh, it's quite easy to give your last dime when you don't have any issues standing in the way of you and the person in need. It's pretty effortless to give Love in the middle of June, on a gorgeous beach...as you and your baby stretch out next to one another; picking out clouds and deciphering their shapes.

Sure.

But, to me, Love is the dead of winter. Two embittered people stung by circumstance and hovering together underneath one umbrella...Meanwhile the harsh cold winds blow and the stinging snow comes down unmercifully. There is a chance for survival, because they are in it together. There will be times where the other person will slow his/her pace. Or get weary. And will need encouragement and a strong arm to hold them up. Soon, it may be your own feet that drag from the journey in the cold. Love knows that it will die without exercise or freedom of movement. So, in the cold it moves as much as it possibly can...

But what if there's only one person? A solitary soul...out in the cold.

"...if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?"
--Ecclesiastes 4:11

What happens to a person that has no other to keep him/her warm? To aid him/her along in the journey? Always possessing the Source/Creator of Love, but having no one to exercise Love to? Or having a body to keep warm, but receiving no warmth themselves in return? How does a heart survive without true empathy, selflessness, and kindness?

How long will that soul travel the streets before someone stops to join him/her?

No Longer a Bridesmaid...

I loved to play dress up as a little girl.

I can picture myself placing my tiny feet into my mother’s high heels, draping her long dresses over my small body, and pretending that I was a kind mother or a strong wife. My favorite character to play dress up in was a bride on her wedding day. I clearly recall my mother pulling out her wedding dress from the back of her closet; carefully removing it from its clear, plastic bag and smoothing out the impressed wrinkles. She would gaze retrospectively at the dress; recalling how she felt on that day. I have had many talks with her, as well as many young women, about my anticipation towards wearing this special garment myself one day. No matter my relationship status, I possess a secret desire to don this piece of clothing that represents honor, beauty, and grace.

I’m surrounded by a culture that marries young, and I have yet to make significant strides towards that walk down the aisle. Somewhere around the entrance of my 24th birthday, I began to get slightly depressed about how distant I am from getting married. I talk frequently with 21 and 22 year olds who have recently tied the knot, and they (though enduring their share of problems that come along with getting married young) seem to be so grounded in their Love for one another. A part of me feels like I haven’t earned this privilege yet; the privilege of being committed to. That despite the hardships that are promised with being in Love, I haven’t arrived at the level to where I can wear that beautiful wedding dress and declare that I have someone who wants to Love me unconditionally. I can only be one of the bridesmaids; those who can celebrate and advocate for Love, but cannot relate to the demonstration taking place between the Groom and his Bride.

Participating in the celebration, but unable to take ownership of this Love.

Revelation 19:7-8 (English Standard Version)
7Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;
8it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

I have been so enamored by the timing that I will wear a physical wedding dress, that I have forgotten that I am already clothed. I am adorned in my spirit with grace, beauty, and honor through His salvation and holiness. My spiritual linens are pure and white, and every day my heart is being prepared for the day that He (my Groom) will return for me. Each moment that I commune with Him, I am reminded that before any man decides to declare his lifelong Love to me, I already hold the promise to “Love, honor, and protect” from God. Eternally. He has always loved me. He is my First Love. I am already a Bride….His. There is no “until death, do us part” in my Groom and I’s vows.

I am His now, and for always.

Love, Chasity, & Prudence. (Intro?)

"What is my love for him founded on?"

I asked myself this question while deep in prayer. Realizing that I'm in a critical place in life, and that I cannot afford to drag around dysfunction disguised as Love. I was ready to let you go.

One look, would give me the answer. So, once the service was over, I looked at you; softly requesting you to pray for me. Your reaction caused a million thoughts, wildly varied but topically centered, to rush through my mind:

"If he never touched me again, the kindness in his eyes would provide ample warmth and affection. If I forget what his lips feel like, my spirit is content with the genuineness tucked underneath each of his words. I would neglect my body forever if it meant that I could [one day] live in his heart."

We've Come So Far, but have So Far To Go.

I have loved the same guy for over 2 1/2 years. He's been my friend for over 3 1/2. It was a short time before I fell in love with him, that he was my Best friend. In the span of 18 months, we aimed and shot emphatically at each others hearts....pacing at the speed of light. Passion and emotion, mixed with a deeply poetic connection and Spiritual accord to boot, and you have a duo that became almost infamous among our circle of friends.

Life did what it's known to do. It proved to be bigger than we could handle with our overeager hands. The title became too much of a weight to carry. And the future, with all of its expectations and hope, took his breath away. Thus, the status became "complicated".

After almost 7 months of being "just friends", there's still a glow growing between us that we can't seem to smother. Close friends of ours watch closely to see if we'll eventually disintegrate like most in the same scenario do. The title has been stripped; resting on a strategically placed mantel...hidden away. But, laughter and camaraderie still exists as strongly as it ever did. Granted, it took some work to get there...but we're still here. Still friends.

I look back at the path we've taken to get to this spot, and it's littered with debris from all that we've endured at one another's side. And then I squint my eyes at the trail extended before he and I. It's straight and narrow, yet wide enough for two pairs of feet. And it seems to stretch for miles.....

The Damsel Rescued Herself.

I remember vividly what it was like...
...waiting on someone to realize that I am worth more than the treatment I settled for. Anxious for the day to come when he'd look me in eyes and realize that I could do so much better than he. I deserved more.

To be awakened to the fact that Love is more than being an ornament on his arm. More than the cost of dinner, movies, and a new dress. More than the physical spasms and shivers that he felt was crucial to a shared happiness with me.

I slowly felt less and less beautiful, and he didn't seem to notice. I knew because he began to interrupt me more during conversations. I guess he really didn't care what I had to say. I was no longer the mysterious and beautiful young woman who he knew very little about. Now that we'd covered the important issues: religion, family, music, and politics...there was no need to pursue my mind. And now that he could count on me to greet him happily at the door, there was no need for him to linger when he held me.

So I waited.
Stood next to him and dug deeper into his heart.
Always finding something different and something more to love.
...yet he waded in the shallow ends of my soul, content...and possibly, bored.

Soon. The lazy, lukewarm feeling of his touch pushed me away.
And, in the end, his infidelity didn't seem to break my heart, really...

I had freed it some time before.

R. E. S. P. E. C. T

I've read two posts by two extremely wise & witty women today [Honesty and Lionness].

They really got me thinking about men and women relations, and both had a common theme:

Women's Self-Respect.

It's been in short supply lately, and [unmarried] women are going to desperate measures to get and keep a man. This is not, in any shape or form, my way of wagging a finger, but I would like to set a couple of things straight that may help any woman secretly struggling.

I've been there. And it's a trap that I skillfully dodge.

I wrote a piece back in 2007 called "Performance Oriented"...

he swore to me
that he loved me.

i would have gone to the four corners of
the world
...and the four corners of
his bed
if he'd ask it of me.

i would have reformed my style to his liking
suitable to please his palette.
Corporate Sophisticate.
Slick-tongued ghetto chick.
Subservient Housewife.
[or all of the above.]

I carry around my box of hats
from the last man to him...
...and now to the next.

I am. SICK. of packing.

There are many things that are wonderful about having a man in your life. His mere presence provides a strange sense of social security. And we are built to withstand physical and emotional suffering (Praise Jesus...). But an occupational hazard that comes with being a woman is that we don't know how to say "You know what? It's either me or you...Enough is enough."

Including me. Instead I'd say,

"We can work this through."

"Things will get better. I just know it."

"He's just ___________. I just need to ______________ him more/less."

Sound familiar?

Compromise is essential in any successful relationship, but we need to establish BEFORE-HAND what treatment we will and will not be subjected to. We've gotten so used to fighting for gender independance and social liberties, that we've thrown away the basic chivalry that women are owed. And the lack of respect is a huge causualty.

It's funny to me that single women sometimes walk into clubs, malls, and restaurants with an air that demands respect. We play the game very well. However, once we lock down one particular man, suddenly we become 1/2 a person. Where did the other half of you go?

I have met many men who are strikingly similiar to peacocks, because they will always [eventually] show their true colors. Men and women alike live their lives like this; in a constant stage of "first impressions". Sally's Beauty Supply and Covergirl will make millions this year because women are afraid to be who they really are [Note: I am NOT speaking negatively of cosmetics.]. Why?

Because they do not want to scare away a man.

But somewhere between 21 and 22 I made a heart choice. I was going to be myself everywhere I went, and not be afraid of that. No more hoops. Because I am Beautiful. Corny. Clumsy. Wise. Kind. Sexy. Fly. Moody. Sophisticated. Street. Brilliant. BOSS. (smile)

And I can say that without an ounce of arrogance; consciously bowing my heart to God for being my Creator. And He does not make anything slopply.

So, I can't continue to sacrifice for a man who doesn't know the meaning of selflessness. If he is dead set on looking out for himself, then it would be an injustice to him to give him something he isn't ready for.

Lonely In the Crowd

I have come to a decision.

I really need a Best Friend. Almost all of the people that I know in my life are there for a purpose, and a God-given purpose at that, but no one is here to offer me unconditional empathy and understanding. I am there to hold them in a strong embrace and listen to their problems and issues…stay up with them into the wee hours of the morning and pray with them…but no one is taking one second to be there for me. I am the loyal listener. The weeping heart for the pain of men. God’s given me the gift of mercy and affirmation, but my cistern remains dry most of the time.

And I’m not talking about advice. No…I get plenty of that. Everyone has a say-so in my situation on an intellectual and at times, a prophetic level. But mouths grow silent when I am not the one being strong. People are shocked when I am stand-offish and quiet; lacking the right words or the encouraging statement. I see turned backs and upturned noses when I am irrational and cruel.

And I cannot do this anymore. I can’t keep giving with no one willing to listen to me.

I get the patronizing “Are you okay?” but no one really wants to hear the answer. No one will grab me and hold me until each and every tear has left my eyes.

I recently texted a friend of mine to pray for me because of a issue I was going through with my recent dispersed relationship….she told me later that she would rather have not been in the middle… said a quick “Lord, help them” for me…and then went back to sleep.

I don’t have the time or the luxury to be weak in my life. I go to RA meetings and accountabilities in public places with people who ask me questions so that I can open my life up wide…but because there are schedules to keep and logistics to tackle…I keep a lid on what I say. It isn’t that I do not trust these people…I am longing for a Friend to completely trust and lay down my burdens to.

The reality is that I am surrounded by needy, broken people. And that I am myself.

In reading my Word, I noticed that every time Jesus attempted to get alone with the Father…or even with His closest companions…he was interrupted by the cries of the crowd. I understand that God is my life-force. He is my Best Friend. He is the only person that I can truly confide in…

…but who is my Beloved Disciple? Who are my best friends? Where are they? Why am I all alone in this?

Why am I facing the certainty of the Cross in solitude?

But didn’t Jesus? He had the disciples, yes. But they all fled. In His moment of intense need, they all abandoned Him. And there He was….enduring the sins of the world on that rugged tree….alone. And He cried out,

“Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani”

Even in that moment…Our Lord and Savior felt abandoned by God. His Father. He felt that God had turned His holy face away from the pain that His Only Son was enduring.

But He was there. Right there.

Regardless of His Father’s silence…Jesus paid it all.

For me.
For you.
For every lonely heart pushing through this crowded, overpopulated world.

That we would never again have to feel that coldness that Adam & his wife Eve felt as they stood looking through the outside gates of their lost paradise…

2 Wrongs Don't Make a Mr. Right...

I am only 23 years old.

On top of being very young, I am not amongst the fleet of females who are in a desperate dash towards the alter. There are things I want to do & places I want to go before I become someone's wife. In this microwave-em society, I appreciate the art of taking things slowly...But personally, the underlying issue isn't about continuing to "look for" Mr. Right, because I thought I had solved that mystery.

He, is 21.
And unsure if I am "The One".

There lies the dilemma...because I am not so sure anymore, either.
He is my best friend and there is no one else on this planet that I would rather spend my time with than him. I haven't had this much fun in my life; the present is so bright. But, I can't keep shutting out the future & what this all means...
I think of the stress we've endured lately, and I wonder if it's a sign.

What are we working towards?
A lesson learned at the end of the day? A good story?
He doesn't know...never did.
...and I used to be so sure. From the very first day. I knew.
But, something else is speaking to me...
...and I have decided to listen.

Because I love him...more than I love my own happiness.

His Size 12's in My Shoes...

I wish men could be women for...one. day.

The only way that they can truly understand our compassionate, complicated, sometimes tragic existance is to BE us. Not just experience the prejudiced system built around us, but also the firey battles that occur inside of us. I get that Men have a whole slew of warfare to face as well....so, I am inclined to look at the opposite sex with understanding.

However, I am frustrated at how often I am reminded that they lack understanding. Let me simply state that I seek to be a woman after God's heart. I want to remembered for my heart after Him. My kindness towards others. I want to leave an imprint on the people that knew me. These are the things MOST important to me...

..but I want a man to understand that my physical body is worth more than an occasional nod. I want him to appreciate and honor the temple God placed me in. He could have choosen for me to be any other race, or height, or build...with different eyes and a different mouth.

But He didn't. I look like me.
And I while I feel like beauty is in the eye of the beholder most of the time...I want my man to indulge in the beauty God invested in me. I don't want him to "tolerate" my looks just because he enjoys my mind/heart.

I'm not fishing for a compliment. Self-image has been an issue that I have battled with for most of my life, and I finally feel like I am gaining an advantage. So, those closest to me should not enable me in my weakness. I want to be (as the title of the book states) Captivating.

Men: do not tolerate our existance. Every hair on our head was destined.
Women are the climax of creation. God made sure that everything was in place before he made us. And the best part about that is that God wanted to take us out of the very BEST of His creation: Man. Meaning...we are a part of you. So don't treat us like we are from Venus. We were both created in His image...Cherish me like you would your own body.

Walk a little while in my shoes, and realize that beauty takes precedence over comfort most of the time.