Closed Doors, Slammed Shut.

For the past 5 years, I have attempted the impossible:

Gaining closure from a guy that I loved for the majority of my adolescence.

This guy was perfection in my eyes, not to mention the eyes of 1 out of ever 4 females in my high school. I was among the crowd of admirers that attended all of his JV and Varsity basketall games, and changed my regular route to Chemistry, English, and Home Ec. class so that I could conveniently pass by his locker. I wasn't brave like most who wore certain halter tops and batted their eyelashes when he swaggered by...until I was 16 I was a flat-chested tomboy who wore ponytails and T-shirts regularly. However, I did get more face time with him...

...because we attended the same church and our families were close friends.

You would say that I had a certain advantage.

And for about a year or so, I sort of did.

By the summer before my Senior year in high school, my appearance had evolved (as nature called for it). To my peers, I'd somewhat shed off my tomboyish persona, and traded in my basketball shorts and sneakers for a Choir dress and heels. I saw him at every sporting event because I sang the national anthem. I performed at the school talent show my Senior year (India Arie's "I Am Ready for Love" actually....I still don't know how I managed the gall to sing in front of all those people...).

At a church youth service, he found out that I liked him. And that started a series of dramatic events that would entrap my heart for the next couple of years.

We both knew the type of guy he was(is?). He, in his own way, warned me even. Warned me not to get involved. He wooed me and dangled himself in front of me, but dared me to stay away. I didn't stand a chance. The whole "save yourself" speech only placed the last nail in my emotional coffin. And once I made the first bold step towards him, he took my hand and showed me what it really means to be "played".

Those close to him would rise to his defense and cast the blame onto me; telling me that I shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. In a way, they're exactly right. However, I think the only thing I was guilty of, is loving someone who did not deserve, nor was ready, to be loved unconditionally.

Recently, I've tried to make amends of what happened between us years ago.

I reached out.

Why? I have questions that I want answered. I have moved on, undoubtedly, but I promised myself that if I were ever offered the opportunity to talk to him again: I would take it.

It became messy for a few days...and it ended up involving other people who began to misunderstand where I was coming from.

I, however, understand one thing very clearly:

He could care less about how I feel, or what I have to say.

So, instead of continuing to be the pursuer like I did as a teenager, I'm going to take this as my exit cue.

...and instead of quietly closing this door, I'm going to slam it shut...

So that the abrupt noise that follows will serve as a reminder to all who are listening (and even he who isn't) that I am finally gone.