Friday, June 26, 2009

Trial by Fire.

I've had many things test my faith over the past few years:
Financial need.
Family schisms.
However, none of of these has managed to scorch my heart cleaner than my current friendship...with a man that I love.

It has been almost 5 months since we agreed to go on a "break", and I have missed him more during these months than I did when we were separated for other extended periods of time. We were close friends with a unique bond before we started dating, and we wanted to maintain that even after the "break" started. Needless to say, there have been rough moments; with the potential to turn into drama. However, the stability of our friendship outweighs the emotional wear-and-tear.

And things got somewhat complicated, involving a mutual friend (a woman) that he shares complex feelings for.

I, being new to this whole situation, stood still. Wanting to continue to be a dependable friend/partner in the Art...even though it was a daily struggle. I was so uncertain about the future, despite our shared desire to get back together. And even when I completely Let Go of my hope for the future, something comes to my attention that makes me question even the validity of our friendship. I want very much to trust him as much as I did, but this just doesn't involve him and I [anymore], and his unsure heart makes me wonder if this is worth fighting for.

...and I feel something flinch deep inside of me when I ponder on that fear. Because I love him more than I thought I would, and it has grown in these past 5 months. I've tried to picture a happiness without him, but didn't want to. And being "just friends" with him has scorched me; hard and tender places, alike.

The lyrics from Maxwell's "Pretty Wings" comes to mind....

"Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love ya
I hope you feel the same. "

At the end of the day, he's my closest friend. And I love him.
It's all I know.
Nothing else survived in the fire...

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