Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Love is Hard.


I've been a single woman for almost 38 days...and I've written my thoughts in this little notebook everyday. Each time I think of him, I write it in the notebook. My plan is to give it to him in the event that we get back together.
It is quite possible that I will write in this notebook forever...

I can honestly say that I have faced some pretty dark moments...with only the presence of my Heavenly Father as a comfort. I have had quite a few victorious moments; where we caught rare glimpses of each other, and were reminded of what it is that we actually share. I have darted back and forth from hating you to needing you, and God has sustained my heart. He is keeping me, daily. Moment by moment.

Second by second.

There are times when I begin to think that I am being treated unfairly. That I am being taken advantage of. I think, at times, that this (or he) is not worth going through all of this pain. Being a woman, I am not built with the innate ability to ignore or distract myself from my emotions. And though I have managed to make them my servants, and not becoming enslaved by them, I still cannot ignore their presence. So, each time I want to react or give up...when I want to throw it all away...I fall to my knees and submit them to the only Person who can give me the strength to go on.

I have wanted to hurt him. Erase him completely from my memory. Make him experience what it is like to be dead to me. And tears well up in my eyes when I think on these things, because I do not wish to live life without him. I very well could...but the thought gives me such a sickening feeling.

I love this man. Truly. Even though he swears that he knows not who he is yet...I love him. The him that I know he truly is...inside. I love the him that he is becoming. I love the him that he cannot even recognize. And I see that the circumstances and issues woven in and through his heart are more entangled than he would like. So, I pray and I beg God to cradle him while he endures this road to self-discovery...hoping that when he reaches his destination; I am still who he wants in his life.

I stand in the spot that has been a constant since before we started dating: the loyal friend. Not like most, who weave into and out of his life during moments of convenience or need. Even though he is completely reflective and has retreated deeply inside of himself (making an appearance when necessary). Even when I am confused about where his mind dwells....because he doesn't talk to me as much these days. Regardless, I stand.

Scared to death to move; shushing the cries of my heart.
Blinking back tears as I take it, blow by blow.
I won't leave him now.

Love Is Hard - James Morrison

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