At some point last night...I snapped.
I don't want to do it anymore.
Even after a recent 2 1/2 day break from classes...I, for the first time this semester,
want to give up. I am just plain tired.
Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.
Tired of staring eyes. Tired of haughty, hard-headed, disrespectful Freshman.
Tired of a million things on my daily to-do list.
Tired of seeing my roommate go to bed after 2 am because she has no choice.
[I am tired for her.]
Tired of always having to be all things to all men.
Advocate.
Counselor.
Friend.
Disciplinarian.
Coach.
Shepherd.
Student.
Girlfriend.
Daughter.
Adult.
Woman.
Black.
Tired of always being expected to rise above it all.
Being the bigger person.
Turning the other cheek.
Tired of seeing my love struggle...
...watching him hang on to a small strand of hope.
Sometimes I don't know how he manages to hang on.
[Today, he threw down his pencil in disgust and said, "I give up."
I'm tired of acting like that doesn't hurt me in some strange way.]
Tired of seeing young, educated black students
act like they are untouchable.
As if they aren't one second away from poverty, or illegitimacy.
I am tired of shallow Faith and being forced into unfulfilling worship.
Sick of being patient for revival.
I'm tired of loud cliques and lonely faces.
Tired of gossip and slander.
Tired of fake smiles and those who act like they respect you.
I am tired of praying for strength...I just simply want to Be.
I wish to just spend my days in gratitude...but these weak hands and feeble knees distract me.
::Sigh::
I give up.
Completely, this time.
God? Do you hear me??!!
...I give up.
Now please...do it through me.
Psalm 127:1
Unless the Lord builds the house,
they labor in vain who build it;
Unless the Lord guards the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
The tiredness never stops. If it's not school it will be work. If it's not work it will one day be your husband and children. It's always something, unfortunately it's a part of life.
ReplyDeleteYou are always going to be tired and weary, but rest assured you always go through these difficult times when all you want to do is throw in thr towel because shortly after you will realise there is a purpose to doing it all.
It's taken me a while, but I always try and look at what is pissing me off and turn it 360 degrees and see it from a different angle.
Like I'm bored at work and have been for months. I work in banking/finance, but I have to remind myself everyday I'm grateful for my job and there are thousands who have been laid off that would kill to have it. The same with school for you. Someone somewhere with big dreams about going to the USA and getting an education.
You have opportunities, don't throw them away because you are tired. It's OK to want a break from it all from time to time, theoretically take a nap and try and relax as much as you can. Hopefully things will get better for you soon.
I hope it all works out.
I feel u girl. Life gets tiring and often you find yourself merely surviving. The great thing about life is, you can guarantee that it has both ups and downs. I personally believe they balance each other out and u can't have one without the other so look forward to the days when you won't be so tired!
ReplyDeleteI'm actually surprised to hear you say these things. I don't picture you as being someone who tires easily. I imagine your load is heavy at times, but you appear to be the master tactician and endless thinker, one who rides the ropes of conquered intangibles.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure very soon you will become rejuvenated.
If not, then I guess the terrorist have defeated you as well.
Only trying to cheer you up with the last line. Hold your head.
u gotta be the bigger person but u are not weak, never give in keep faith in your palms at all time jones
ReplyDeleteI just happened to bump into your blog and it, to put it in simple terms, really caught my eye...everyone goes through those feelings of dejection and tiredness and sadness...where you even start underestimating your self worth and value and at the worst of times, even your faith in God. But what londondiva said is quite true...it's life.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing you can do is to keep up the faith and not to look back but to always move forward. The problem won't be there always. Instead just use it as a platform to better yourself and learn from the experience no matter how hard it is. And always pray.
I know this is coming to you a bit late and hopefully your troubles are long gone by now. Keep your head up and your back straight.
Stay blessed
Zuriel
This was right on time
ReplyDeleteEverything that I have been feeling... it was all right here