Shabazz. Palaces.

Shabazz Palaces - "Belhaven Meridian" [OFFICIAL] from Kahlil Joseph on Vimeo.

This video was shot in ONE take, FYI. Not to mention the track is dope.
[Found on Soulbounce.com.]

In Memory of the Unborn.

Untitled (Haiku)
4-18-07

women silently
giving birth to corpses. Who
will speak for the dead?

Ugly. (Part 2...before Part 1)

I carry a beauty inside that I do not understand.

I have never thought of myself as an especially attractive person, but I do see a beauty when I look into my own reflection. I see beauty in most things, actually. There is beauty in the embrace of two enemies. In the giggle of a carefree child. In the random, purposeful flight pattern of a butterfly. Even in the surprising crescendo of melody during the bridge of a song. It’s as if a surge of emotion comes from a hidden place inside of you, and for a moment, you connect with God’s original design. Sometimes, I’ll want to stay and linger, because it feels like I am literally walking through the Garden with Him. It feels familiar; like I am back in a place where I am welcome. Home.

I tend to hide in the background.

Even though I stand at an even six feet, I am most comfortable preparing others for their individual callings for greatness. I’ve had moments where I’ve witnessed God’s light within my own soul. However, I try my best to shy away from it after a while, because I do not want to get contented with the idea that God wants to dwell permanently within me. I understand that for salvation and righteousness purposes, God wants to set up his dominion. He wishes to have complete Lordship over my heart, and to this, I gladly comply. Still, I am uneasy with the fact that He not only wants to own me, but He wants to live in and through me.

A landlord is not required to live in the same apartment complex as his tenants, but a good landlord will commit to the well-being of those who live there. The landlord who lives among his tenants wishes to be readily available to them. I will never understand why Christ saved my soul, only to set up a gorgeous palace in the center of its ruins, and then rest there.

He is my beauty.
He’s the beauty that I do not understand.
...That I am scared to death to live without...

Out In the Cold.

Love subjects you to the worse kinds of treatment. It is literally a call to submit one's will to that of another. That may mean forgiving an offense quickly. Biting your tongue when misunderstood. Embrace when you're not ready to. Love never looks out for itself...it is constantly, intentionally self-less.

Easier said than done.

Oh, it's quite easy to give your last dime when you don't have any issues standing in the way of you and the person in need. It's pretty effortless to give Love in the middle of June, on a gorgeous beach...as you and your baby stretch out next to one another; picking out clouds and deciphering their shapes.

Sure.

But, to me, Love is the dead of winter. Two embittered people stung by circumstance and hovering together underneath one umbrella...Meanwhile the harsh cold winds blow and the stinging snow comes down unmercifully. There is a chance for survival, because they are in it together. There will be times where the other person will slow his/her pace. Or get weary. And will need encouragement and a strong arm to hold them up. Soon, it may be your own feet that drag from the journey in the cold. Love knows that it will die without exercise or freedom of movement. So, in the cold it moves as much as it possibly can...

But what if there's only one person? A solitary soul...out in the cold.

"...if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?"
--Ecclesiastes 4:11

What happens to a person that has no other to keep him/her warm? To aid him/her along in the journey? Always possessing the Source/Creator of Love, but having no one to exercise Love to? Or having a body to keep warm, but receiving no warmth themselves in return? How does a heart survive without true empathy, selflessness, and kindness?

How long will that soul travel the streets before someone stops to join him/her?

Simple Truth.

I can be irrational and difficult.
Moody and over-analytical.
Guide issues of the heart with the logic in my head.
Sometimes I will use too many seconds doubting and not enough of them noticing the way he looks at me.
But simply....still...he loves me.
And the feeling is completely and utterly...
Mutual.

Love Musings.

1. It isn't until he sees her laugh at another guy's joke, or say hello to him while making direct eye contact, that he considers maybe bachelorhood wasn't as wonderful as he thought. For a second, he thinks that possibly...he had it good for a little while.

2. Single people long to be in a relationship. Married people secretly wish for their single or courtship days. Widowers mourn over lost lovers. It's a harsh reality: love is hard.

3. I am amazed at how discontent we are with one another's humanity in relationships. Truthfully, everyone wants someone that they can rest their hat and coat with. To be faced with their plain face, morning breath, and grumpy moods...and still consider them worth keeping around.

4. Speaking of plain faces: I make it a habit of not wearing make-up regularly when dating a guy. Simply because I want him to make sure he sees what he's getting.

5. Anyone deciding to chase after love must be prepared to endure a triathlon. Love tends to involve various disciplines and demands eclectic skill. It isn't just running for great distances, but a trek across land and sea.

6. I still wonder what he is thinking when he looks at me....

7. "Love at first sight"....but what about Mothers and unborn babies? Love transcends sight, I think.

How I Feel (Music Version).

Hallelujah.

No Longer a Bridesmaid...

I loved to play dress up as a little girl.

I can picture myself placing my tiny feet into my mother’s high heels, draping her long dresses over my small body, and pretending that I was a kind mother or a strong wife. My favorite character to play dress up in was a bride on her wedding day. I clearly recall my mother pulling out her wedding dress from the back of her closet; carefully removing it from its clear, plastic bag and smoothing out the impressed wrinkles. She would gaze retrospectively at the dress; recalling how she felt on that day. I have had many talks with her, as well as many young women, about my anticipation towards wearing this special garment myself one day. No matter my relationship status, I possess a secret desire to don this piece of clothing that represents honor, beauty, and grace.

I’m surrounded by a culture that marries young, and I have yet to make significant strides towards that walk down the aisle. Somewhere around the entrance of my 24th birthday, I began to get slightly depressed about how distant I am from getting married. I talk frequently with 21 and 22 year olds who have recently tied the knot, and they (though enduring their share of problems that come along with getting married young) seem to be so grounded in their Love for one another. A part of me feels like I haven’t earned this privilege yet; the privilege of being committed to. That despite the hardships that are promised with being in Love, I haven’t arrived at the level to where I can wear that beautiful wedding dress and declare that I have someone who wants to Love me unconditionally. I can only be one of the bridesmaids; those who can celebrate and advocate for Love, but cannot relate to the demonstration taking place between the Groom and his Bride.

Participating in the celebration, but unable to take ownership of this Love.

Revelation 19:7-8 (English Standard Version)
7Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;
8it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

I have been so enamored by the timing that I will wear a physical wedding dress, that I have forgotten that I am already clothed. I am adorned in my spirit with grace, beauty, and honor through His salvation and holiness. My spiritual linens are pure and white, and every day my heart is being prepared for the day that He (my Groom) will return for me. Each moment that I commune with Him, I am reminded that before any man decides to declare his lifelong Love to me, I already hold the promise to “Love, honor, and protect” from God. Eternally. He has always loved me. He is my First Love. I am already a Bride….His. There is no “until death, do us part” in my Groom and I’s vows.

I am His now, and for always.

"How I Got Over". The Roots.

The Roots - How I Got Over (Directed by BBGUN) from bbgun on Vimeo.

Living in the Moment.

It was one of those rare instances where I didn’t feel pressured to contribute something clever to the moment. It was during one of my many required meetings as a Resident Assistant. I sat on my bed across from my roommate & partner. Scattered across our room were the other student leaders; excitedly involved in other many random conversations. We were attempting to get through important announcements; which is usually difficult for my girls because we see every gathering as an opportunity for fellowship. More pleasure than business, you would say.

I was especially tired. Had this been a regular Sunday night, with an overworked weekend behind me and a busy week looming ahead, I would have been short on patience. Like I said, I was tired. Funny thing is, is that it was a regular Sunday night, but my attitude was significantly different.

My thoughtful gaze scanned the room. I took in each smile and burst of laughter. I noticed their emotions and sense of camaraderie they shared with each other. We had an agenda set, and we had pertinent information to go over, but all I could do was smile. Interestingly enough, I glanced upwards and met eyes with my roommate, who looked as though she shared my thoughts. We grinned at each other, and she softly shook her head.

I’m thankful for the moments where God turns my face towards His; where He gently reminds me to enjoy the present moment He’s given me. I am 24 years old, and already I am so easily swept away in using future tense. The second that I stare too long at the distant horizon, I feel life speed up, and there is a bit of joy that I’ve missed.

I’m too blessed to ignore what’s in front of me. The grace above me. The power within me. And the Love surrounding me. It’s only in the times where I am still that I realize that I have so much to be thankful for.

I think I’ll take a second longer to smell these roses. Life is beautiful, and in abundance...

7 Months.19 days.13 hours.

I've reasoned around it, armed my heart with logic and understanding, and convinced myself countless times that our break from each other is healthy. Needed.
But I've sat and surveyed the past 7 months, 19 days, and 13 hours, and I've tried to make sense of a couple things:

• Most things between us stayed the same, relationally.
• Every time I bring up our relationship, you get tense and/or frustrated.
• The night I attempted to discard all ties from you, you became distraught.
  
• My love for you has grown since the day we decided to take a break.
• Why exactly you continually need a break.
• You're aware that you're hurting me, and yet you still do it.
  

In the event that we do get back together, what happens then?
We can change our FB status back to "In a relationship"....but, what else? We won't hang out more often than we do now....my heart will still thump ferociously when you appear...my mind will still go to the moon when you hug me or touch me.

What am I doing?
What should I do?

Just....just say it, already...

I don't think he knows that I'm speaking the same phrase to him.
Repeatedly. The last time more emphatically than the one before.
Every. thing. that I do....repeats that phrase to him: The way I smile extra wide when he's around...to let him know that I am happier in the moment. How quickly I give. And give. And give. And receive when he manages to give. The way I glance in his direction & hold it there until I catch his eyes. The way I lower my guard. and my walls...leaving myself defenseless. How I convince my heart that everything will be okay, that the day will come when I can love you completely and it will be okay... And that it's somehow honorable to be foolish when you love someone. The way I remind myself that you aren't running from me....right?

"I love you."

How I Feel....

A Girl Can Dream...

I wished my world was made up of only My Lord, Poetry, Love, and him.
To walk in the garden again with God; know Him without getting in my own way.
Write with clarity and vulnerability, and Love giving no thought to consequence.
To have him at my side and adjoined to his heart always, without fear or pretense.

Love, Chasity, & Prudence. (Intro?)

"What is my love for him founded on?"

I asked myself this question while deep in prayer. Realizing that I'm in a critical place in life, and that I cannot afford to drag around dysfunction disguised as Love. I was ready to let you go.

One look, would give me the answer. So, once the service was over, I looked at you; softly requesting you to pray for me. Your reaction caused a million thoughts, wildly varied but topically centered, to rush through my mind:

"If he never touched me again, the kindness in his eyes would provide ample warmth and affection. If I forget what his lips feel like, my spirit is content with the genuineness tucked underneath each of his words. I would neglect my body forever if it meant that I could [one day] live in his heart."

FE is the Truth. Period.

We've Come So Far, but have So Far To Go.

I have loved the same guy for over 2 1/2 years. He's been my friend for over 3 1/2. It was a short time before I fell in love with him, that he was my Best friend. In the span of 18 months, we aimed and shot emphatically at each others hearts....pacing at the speed of light. Passion and emotion, mixed with a deeply poetic connection and Spiritual accord to boot, and you have a duo that became almost infamous among our circle of friends.

Life did what it's known to do. It proved to be bigger than we could handle with our overeager hands. The title became too much of a weight to carry. And the future, with all of its expectations and hope, took his breath away. Thus, the status became "complicated".

After almost 7 months of being "just friends", there's still a glow growing between us that we can't seem to smother. Close friends of ours watch closely to see if we'll eventually disintegrate like most in the same scenario do. The title has been stripped; resting on a strategically placed mantel...hidden away. But, laughter and camaraderie still exists as strongly as it ever did. Granted, it took some work to get there...but we're still here. Still friends.

I look back at the path we've taken to get to this spot, and it's littered with debris from all that we've endured at one another's side. And then I squint my eyes at the trail extended before he and I. It's straight and narrow, yet wide enough for two pairs of feet. And it seems to stretch for miles.....

How I Feel...

Final Thoughts for Tonight...

Who is this voice telling me not to trust him?
...dear God, I hope he doesn't hurt me...

Court Jester.

I'm very good at making myself look like a fool for him. Since enduring the Great Hurt in high school, I promised myself that I would never conduct heart matters without a heavy amount of dignity. Now, all of my mature intentions have gone completely out of the window. I am utterly devoid of "cool points". And I could care less.

Even though I can feel my inner feminist cringe and flinch whenever I smile insanely at a text from him, look at his picture for the millionth time, or jump at the sound of his ring-tone, the romantic little girl in me comes out of hiding. Each day, I experience the same blended emotion:
gratefulness because of our friendship, and fear of losing his love forever. I live in the moment, emphatically....times 4. Because not only am I purposefully NOT thinking about getting back together, I am so thankful for every second and moment I get to spend with him.

I'm constantly in the mode of making a memory. I take longer looks into his eyes. Wrap my arms around his neck for a second more. I listen intently like a friend would, but at the same time...I am paying special attention to the light in his eyes when he discusses certain topics. I memorize the moments his dimples fade and reappear. The rise and fall of his smile when he's trying to hide a thought. I listen. More than he realizes.

I express purpose in my speech...so that he never misunderstands that I am appreciating every moment. And that is so foolish of me.

Because he doesn't need all of that, does he?
He doesn't need such attention or sincerity...

...rather a warm body at night, that is gone by daybreak.
Or an open, willing heart with no strings attached.
And I am a fool...because I would give it.

My Life According to [Jill Scott]

I adore this woman.
Her outlook on life, love, pain, and triumph speak to me.
I love the way she performs. How she professes to be a poet before a singer.
I appreciate how well she blends sophistication and unkempt passion.
Rage and Melancholy. Beauty and Humanity. God and the rest of us.

I copped this idea from N.Steven . The rules are: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)"

Pick Your Artist:
Jilly from Philly (BKA: Jill Scott)

Are you a male or female?
Fatback Taffy (ha!)

Describe yourself:
Can't Explain

How do you feel:
Talk to Me

Describe where you currently live:
Celibacy Blues

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
The Rain

Your favorite form of transportation:
A Long Walk Home

Your best friend is:
My Love

Your favorite color is:
Golden

What's the weather like:
Love Rain

Favorite time of the day:
8 Minutes to Sunrise

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called:
Slowly Surely

What is life to you:
Not Like Crazy

Your relationships:
I Keep/Still Here

Your fear:
Gettin in the Way

What is the best advice you have to give:
Easy Conversation

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Honey Molasses

Thought for the Day:
Wanna Be Loved

How I would like to die:
God Bless the Child

My soul's present condition:
Let it Be

My Motto:
The Fact Is (I Need You)

How I Feel...

Today.

I'd waited for over 3 months to see him. My very best friend.
I didn't know what I would do the moment my eyes met his. I didn't care, really.
I just wanted him near. Have him smile at me and playfully grab me into his arms.

Six months ago I wouldn't want to settle for just that. I'd want more.
But today...felt different. [Those desires are still alive, mind you. Hidden, but alive.]
It felt different because of how slowly each moment passed. It's like I watched his every move...in slow motion. Noticing things that I'd normally miss:
His posture.
The subtle mix of expectancy and purpose in his eyes.
The reflection and wiser introspection in his speech.

At some point Today, I thought, "My gosh. My best friend has grown. "
And it thrilled me in a way that I really can't explain.
He's always made me curious...but Today, I watched him so very closely.
I will dare to say that I was intrigued.
He is the same person, but sharper and amplified. I began to thank God because it was so evident that the summer has been good to both of us. Naturally, I am expectant. But in a calm way. Knowing that the best method doesn't involve either of our pairs of hands.

Upon my initiation, we slightly reenacted a fond memory of ours.
Our conversation, though brief, reminded me of how much I cherish him.
...and how much I....love him.

Forget relationship titles/status for a moment...being in the arms of a friend is more than I can ask for.

I'll let God take care of the technicalities....

Grad School, Here I Come...

My Heart Benches About 350...

I'm known to be a slow gravitator towards retaliation. Even as a teenager, I can count on my hands the number of times that I actively sought revenge. Not that I've never wanted to hurt someone who hurt me...but I think that I have always feared what it would be like to hold vengance in my heart for too long. Long enough where it would change me...

This has not kept me from getting hurt, mind you. Sometimes I feel that my pain is more severe than others. The blow of disappointment and betrayal sharper because I choose not to deflect it by blaming others or focusing on revenge.

I've been told that I am too sensitive.

And that my heart is too big for my own good.

That I take to heart things that the average person would shrug off easily.

All are correct....

But, in doing much soul searching, I've come to realize that I actually....like...this part of me.

Though it curses me to exist with a wide open heart; increasingly susceptible to hurt...I have been given a Strength that girds my heart with armor. The unpentrable nature shows on the inside rather than permeates the outside...like most hearts seem to be.

I'm not of the weak, naive, or ignorant.

I look at pictures of old loves with new loves and can smile.

Shake the hands of those who used them once to do me harm.

And strive to live peaceably with all men.

Each time I extend an embrace. Take notice, but Forgive a personal grievance.

Consider my own short-comings before estimating another's character.

And plead with a fair-weather friend for restoration.

I feel my heart getting stronger.

Bigger....but stronger.