Interlude: Wants & Needs

wants

• A $100 to blow @ Forever 21
• A dope new hairstyle
• Skinny jeans 
• A new notebook
• One really good photo shoot
• Car (transitioning into a "need")
• More time on stage performing poetry
  

needs

• $ for the pending apartment
• My apartment to no longer be "pending"
• The focus/girth to completely fill the notebooks I have
• My computer to be fixed
• Emotional fortitude
• A summer/fall job
• Clarity with the avenue to expose a hidden talent
  

Grown, Part 3: Hair.

To paraphrase scripture: "A woman's hair is her shining glory."


I remember, as a little girl, the harsh, trying feat of my mother doing my hair. Most of the time, I did not like it. The whole process caused tears and plenty of "ow! ma!" 's coming from my lips. I was affectionately labeled "tender headed", because one comb stroke convulsed my limbs more than a seizure would. Usually, I didn't like the end result either. My bangs were too curly. Or my ponytails were too tight.

But the older members of my family raved about how cute I looked. I pouted as they pinched my cheeks, but something makes more sense to me now than it did back then....

My mother was shaping my glory.

One thing I appreciate about being a Black Woman is that hair-care is a form of intimacy. Mother to child. Sister to sister. Woman to man. Other cultures won't quite understand why this can be a sensitive act between two people. My cousin recently put micro-braids in my hair, and it was a nurturing, bonding experience. She was doing more than "hooking me up". She was tending to my glory.

[I am, in no way, trying to disregard the recent anthem of India.Arie. Women ARE more than their hair. However, there is something significant about the covering of a woman's head that shines brightly to the opposite sex. I've been told that it is one of the first things a man notices about a woman's apperance.]

When I was in middle school, I hated doing my hair. Transitioning through my ball-playing, tomboy phase, I rocked t-shirts and wore my hair back in a ponytail. I never brushed it. I seldom combed it. I washed it to keep it from itching, but I could have cared less what my glory was becoming (or not becoming). It wasn't until I started to get it professionally done (at my mother's prompting) that I noticed a difference. I remember my stylist Keisha (who is still my go-to superwoman when I am back in my home state) spinning my chair around to face the big mirror...and asking me what I thought.

It was one of the first times in my adolescence that I'd felt beautiful without someone telling me so. I remember looking down for a moment in shame because I wasn't aware that I could be pleased with my appearance. But then I quickly looked back up, and smiled at my reflection. Keisha nodded and said something to the effect, "I guess that means you like it."

Sometimes we can be afraid of our own God-given glory. Granted, it is a glory that would be non-existent without Him, but it is ours none the less. Other times, we assume that we should possess a certain type of glory. But true glory is unique to its vessel; though it all comes from a singular Source.

I've spent too much of my life being afraid of me. Stifling the glory that so wishes to shine forth.
It is a battle, but I am searching. Digging for the depths of God's glory, and the glory He has destined to rest on my head. Flowing. Lovely. Gorgeous.

...after all, I am grown now.

For. Haiti.

If it affects one of us, it affects all of us.

How to Help

Soundtrack for a Revolution.

What Did I Do In 2009?

Inspired by N.Steven...

• Endured the WORST case of Senior-itis imaginable
• ...but still graduated from college; getting my Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology
• Went through my first full year since going natural (hair, that is)
• ...and I learned to cut my own bangs (Don't smirk, that's an accomplishment.)
• Completed my first year as a Resident Assistant...working on the second.
• Burned through over $450 on a birthday shopping spree over the course of a weekend
• [Speaking of birthdays] I turned 24
• Had a summer that consisted of writing, sleeping, and talking on the phone. Jealous?
• Cried on a consistant basis...
• ...because I fell deeper in Love with my best friend
• ...whom I was seperated from for 8 agonizing months...
• ...but we got back together; better and stronger than we were before. 
• Survived my first semester of graduate school (and with exceptional grades might I add)
• Messed up...had quite a few "almost's"...but still managed to drag my broken self back towards the Throne of Grace
• Went caroling for the first time
• Gained closure for all three of my previous relationships that ended in heartache...one of which, I took by force)
• Learned that God IS the God of Second Chances (and third, fourth, etc.)
• Dance sporatically with friends sitting in a parking lot
• Banned BET
• Stood in the cold rain for/during a home football game for 7 hours. Yeah...never doing THAT again.
• Had a grip of my family in VA with me at the same time (Yeah. Glorious Chaos...)
• Performed poetry (with the best friend) a few times; including in front of a crowd of about 75 people. 
• Bought almost 20 books...including Just Some Stuff I Wrote Down
• Raised a virtual child online
• Mourned the loss of a Legend
• Saw a couple great theatre plays & went to The Concert that changed my life
• Got lost in DC & NJ
• Was involved in a technical love triangle...and witnessed the woeful formation of another
• Got lost in beautiful, intimate moments
• "Chased" a homeless bum to give him some food
• Fell out of a moving car
• Acquired a serious love jones for Phonte Coleman of Little Brother/The Foreign Exchange
• Witnessed two of my closest girlfriends (one of which who swore she'd be a cat lady) fall in love
• Starred in my first Hawt Sawse video (Sure, you have no idea who I'm talking about...so watch it!)
• Stole food from my campus' cafeteria for 2 1/2 months straight
• Lost and found my necklace in over a foot of snow
• Watched my mom learn to walk again
• Acquired addictions to Bejeweled, Moe's Southern Hot Wings, and chocolate syrup :)

Grown, Part 2: Heart

I spent most of my "girl-hood" stuck in a perpetual state of playing house. Only brave enough to muse over my dreams and desires for love. As a girl, I never considered what I needed to become as those dreams and desires transitioned into reality. I wanted Love, and I thought that I would be in a state of life-long bliss and inner fulfillment once it arrived. That little girl forgot about the sort of heart needed in order to catch, keep, and cultivate Love.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

As a girl in relationships, I gave my heart without question. I prematurely opened myself to the great ideal I worshiped. I caught a hint of potential and attempted to form it with my own tiny hands into what I thought I wanted. I was blind to the fact that what I needed was unlike anything I'd seen on TV or even in my own house. It was a craving for a unique Love that I knew well but was also estranged to. Once I realized that limited, earthly affection was never meant to fulfill that need, I was able to conclude what the heart (with all of its desires) was created for.

Imagine suffering such great disappointment on a consistent basis; serving as a reminder that you will never be loved like you desired. Looking all around for the source of True Love that didn't seem to want to be found. Suddenly, you look inside and notice that you had the Source all along. He was the Comforter that held you close as your heart broke for the thousandth time. He felt every sting of rejection and disapproval you've ever felt. He compassionately dried every tear, and waited patiently while suffering through the greatest Unrequited Love story that has ever taken place.

Christ waited for me to see that He is my Source, and that my heart was His home. I was to guard that dwelling place because giving it to those undeserving would be abandoning my First Love. Trading in gold for a clump of dirt. It isn't until the day that I exchange my heart with another that I can free my heart. And I have to keep preparing myself for that day, because it could be closer than I think.
I mean, I am grown after all....

Grown, Part 1: Head

My imagination can tend to run away from me at times. One iota of evidence, mixed with an already existing tendency towards distrust, can paint a clear picture prematurely. It wasn't until recently that I realized how this way of thinking was sabotaging my life. The wisest woman I know, my mother, used to always tell me, "Believe little of what you hear, and even less of what you see."

Little girls are led away by their pre-existing notions which are usually made concrete by prototypes of the past. It takes a grown woman to recognize that the more life you experience, the less typical life seems to be. I'm beginning to understand that. My defense mechanisms & victim mentality will only aid in keeping me trapped in a self-fulfilling prophecy that I will always stop short of fulfillment. In a constant cycle of disappointment, and with a strong inability to see joy in each breath and sunrise.

The inner corridors of my head are where this battle rages daily. But, I have become more victorious lately. There are far too many dreams and desires close enough within my grasp to continue to nurse wounds that have already scabbed over. After all, I am grown now.

Grown. [Intro]

24 years. 3 months. And 10 days.

......

Wants & Needs

Wants

• My computer fixed/External Hard Drive
  
• A real bomb pair of skinny jeans
• Bling :)
• Sharing the stage with Phonte of The Foreign Exchange
• Jill Scott concert tickets
• Attend a guest lecture from Nikki Giovanni/ or Maya Angelou
• Discovery of another indie music gem
  

Needs

• Peace concerning trouble getting pregnant with my future husband
• Grace to do it right this time
• Clarity & Direction for future plans
• To be hidden away in the arms of Christ
• More adventures with my best friend
  

How I Feel.

...Life is chaos. Be back soon...

Maxwell's cover of MJ's "Lady in My Life"

Thanks to Ms. Jonesin Eb for this one...

Thanksgiving.

+

+


Special thanks to Maxine the Nissan Maxima, the George family, and the "great" state of NJ for a wonderful 8 days.

Smile. Thanksgiving Break is Here :)

Bad quality video. Still funny tho. :)

How I Feel (Lyrics Version)

I've come through many hard trials
Through temptations on every hand
Though Satan's tried to stop me
And to place my feet on sinking sand
Through the pain and all of my sorrows
Through the tears and all of my fears
The Lord was there to keep me
For He's kept me in the midst of it all

Not because I've been so faithful
Not Because I've always obeyed
Noo, It's not because I trust him
To be with me all of the way
But it's because He loves me so dearly
He was there to answer my call
He was there always to protect me
For He's kept me in the midst of it all

--From "In the Midst of it All" Yolanda Adams

As Always....He is the Last Thing I Think of...

It's something about that initial contact.

That moment.
I mean, we exist a part from each others sights consistently.
It could be days before we are next to each other, and that doesn't make me question whether or not I am on his mind...Like he is on mine...
I don't wonder if the love is fading, because I feel that the exact opposite is true.

Still.
It's something about that first hug. The "hello" in his hand grabbing mine.
The second his fingertips graze my cheek.
I anticipate the electricity but am still caught off guard at the point of impact.
Sometimes, I want to go through intentional bouts of long distant agony, so that I experience his touch at maximum strength.

It's love.
I know.
But in that moment, it's as if I've always known...but not quite enough.
I missed a detail. A hidden, minuscule portion of the obvious.
That contact overwhelms my awareness.
And if doubt could ever manage it's way into my heart, it could never be then.
In that moment.
...There's just no room.

Honest Scrap Award.

I have had the supreme pleasure of coming across some of the greatest minds in the blog-o-sphere. And I believe that when you receive some form of recognition, you should share the spotlight with those who have contributed to your gift. And since I've so graciously received the Honest Scrap Award, I want to pass it along to those whose blogs consistently inspire and move me.

The honest scrap award rules:
1. Present the award to seven bloggers whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design or who have encouraged you.
2. Tell those seven people that you have given them the Honest Scrap Award.
3. Share ten honest things about yourself.

I Nominate (Click to go to the blog) :

• I Wrote This For You
• Love Becomes Her
• Minus the Bars
• she's so flyy
• Black Woman Lost & Found
• .The Socialight Times.
• [R]Evolution...

10 Honest Things 'bout Me:
1. I love being Southern. Wouldn't trade it for any other geographic affiliation in our nation.
2. I'm supressing baby/family fever. My COUN 502 course is NOT helping me win this battle.... (I've spent the last 2 months raising a Virtual Child as part of this course's project. Um. Yeah.)
3. I hate politics. It's a shame that people who don't hold my same morals can teach those who do a thing or two about civility and tolerance.
4. I am surrounded by opportunities to force friendships. And I can't do it anymore. I'm sick of pretending that I have connections with people that I just don't. And that makes me sad....
5. I spend many moments of the day reminding myself that I am okay just the way that I am. I take up too much of my time actively trying to evolve/grow, but it's when I completely let go, that I forget what I lack; unconsciously trusting that it's God that adds to my heart daily.
6. I love writing. (Duh....but. Really. I do.)
7. I don't know why Jesus loved me enough to die for me. Or why He still loves me. Or why He promises to love me always. But whatever the answer is...it is, by far, the hope of my life.
8. The more I'm extremely picky about what music I listen to/buy/download, the more gems I find. (I.e. The Foreign Exchange)
9. I'm starting to loathe the whole gift part of Christmas. I don't want a thing this year.
10. I love my momma. There's no one else I look up to more.

Shabazz. Palaces.

Shabazz Palaces - "Belhaven Meridian" [OFFICIAL] from Kahlil Joseph on Vimeo.

This video was shot in ONE take, FYI. Not to mention the track is dope.
[Found on Soulbounce.com.]

In Memory of the Unborn.

Untitled (Haiku)
4-18-07

women silently
giving birth to corpses. Who
will speak for the dead?

Ugly. (Part 2...before Part 1)

I carry a beauty inside that I do not understand.

I have never thought of myself as an especially attractive person, but I do see a beauty when I look into my own reflection. I see beauty in most things, actually. There is beauty in the embrace of two enemies. In the giggle of a carefree child. In the random, purposeful flight pattern of a butterfly. Even in the surprising crescendo of melody during the bridge of a song. It’s as if a surge of emotion comes from a hidden place inside of you, and for a moment, you connect with God’s original design. Sometimes, I’ll want to stay and linger, because it feels like I am literally walking through the Garden with Him. It feels familiar; like I am back in a place where I am welcome. Home.

I tend to hide in the background.

Even though I stand at an even six feet, I am most comfortable preparing others for their individual callings for greatness. I’ve had moments where I’ve witnessed God’s light within my own soul. However, I try my best to shy away from it after a while, because I do not want to get contented with the idea that God wants to dwell permanently within me. I understand that for salvation and righteousness purposes, God wants to set up his dominion. He wishes to have complete Lordship over my heart, and to this, I gladly comply. Still, I am uneasy with the fact that He not only wants to own me, but He wants to live in and through me.

A landlord is not required to live in the same apartment complex as his tenants, but a good landlord will commit to the well-being of those who live there. The landlord who lives among his tenants wishes to be readily available to them. I will never understand why Christ saved my soul, only to set up a gorgeous palace in the center of its ruins, and then rest there.

He is my beauty.
He’s the beauty that I do not understand.
...That I am scared to death to live without...

Out In the Cold.

Love subjects you to the worse kinds of treatment. It is literally a call to submit one's will to that of another. That may mean forgiving an offense quickly. Biting your tongue when misunderstood. Embrace when you're not ready to. Love never looks out for itself...it is constantly, intentionally self-less.

Easier said than done.

Oh, it's quite easy to give your last dime when you don't have any issues standing in the way of you and the person in need. It's pretty effortless to give Love in the middle of June, on a gorgeous beach...as you and your baby stretch out next to one another; picking out clouds and deciphering their shapes.

Sure.

But, to me, Love is the dead of winter. Two embittered people stung by circumstance and hovering together underneath one umbrella...Meanwhile the harsh cold winds blow and the stinging snow comes down unmercifully. There is a chance for survival, because they are in it together. There will be times where the other person will slow his/her pace. Or get weary. And will need encouragement and a strong arm to hold them up. Soon, it may be your own feet that drag from the journey in the cold. Love knows that it will die without exercise or freedom of movement. So, in the cold it moves as much as it possibly can...

But what if there's only one person? A solitary soul...out in the cold.

"...if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?"
--Ecclesiastes 4:11

What happens to a person that has no other to keep him/her warm? To aid him/her along in the journey? Always possessing the Source/Creator of Love, but having no one to exercise Love to? Or having a body to keep warm, but receiving no warmth themselves in return? How does a heart survive without true empathy, selflessness, and kindness?

How long will that soul travel the streets before someone stops to join him/her?

Simple Truth.

I can be irrational and difficult.
Moody and over-analytical.
Guide issues of the heart with the logic in my head.
Sometimes I will use too many seconds doubting and not enough of them noticing the way he looks at me.
But simply....still...he loves me.
And the feeling is completely and utterly...
Mutual.

Love Musings.

1. It isn't until he sees her laugh at another guy's joke, or say hello to him while making direct eye contact, that he considers maybe bachelorhood wasn't as wonderful as he thought. For a second, he thinks that possibly...he had it good for a little while.

2. Single people long to be in a relationship. Married people secretly wish for their single or courtship days. Widowers mourn over lost lovers. It's a harsh reality: love is hard.

3. I am amazed at how discontent we are with one another's humanity in relationships. Truthfully, everyone wants someone that they can rest their hat and coat with. To be faced with their plain face, morning breath, and grumpy moods...and still consider them worth keeping around.

4. Speaking of plain faces: I make it a habit of not wearing make-up regularly when dating a guy. Simply because I want him to make sure he sees what he's getting.

5. Anyone deciding to chase after love must be prepared to endure a triathlon. Love tends to involve various disciplines and demands eclectic skill. It isn't just running for great distances, but a trek across land and sea.

6. I still wonder what he is thinking when he looks at me....

7. "Love at first sight"....but what about Mothers and unborn babies? Love transcends sight, I think.

How I Feel (Music Version).

Hallelujah.

No Longer a Bridesmaid...

I loved to play dress up as a little girl.

I can picture myself placing my tiny feet into my mother’s high heels, draping her long dresses over my small body, and pretending that I was a kind mother or a strong wife. My favorite character to play dress up in was a bride on her wedding day. I clearly recall my mother pulling out her wedding dress from the back of her closet; carefully removing it from its clear, plastic bag and smoothing out the impressed wrinkles. She would gaze retrospectively at the dress; recalling how she felt on that day. I have had many talks with her, as well as many young women, about my anticipation towards wearing this special garment myself one day. No matter my relationship status, I possess a secret desire to don this piece of clothing that represents honor, beauty, and grace.

I’m surrounded by a culture that marries young, and I have yet to make significant strides towards that walk down the aisle. Somewhere around the entrance of my 24th birthday, I began to get slightly depressed about how distant I am from getting married. I talk frequently with 21 and 22 year olds who have recently tied the knot, and they (though enduring their share of problems that come along with getting married young) seem to be so grounded in their Love for one another. A part of me feels like I haven’t earned this privilege yet; the privilege of being committed to. That despite the hardships that are promised with being in Love, I haven’t arrived at the level to where I can wear that beautiful wedding dress and declare that I have someone who wants to Love me unconditionally. I can only be one of the bridesmaids; those who can celebrate and advocate for Love, but cannot relate to the demonstration taking place between the Groom and his Bride.

Participating in the celebration, but unable to take ownership of this Love.

Revelation 19:7-8 (English Standard Version)
7Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready;
8it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

I have been so enamored by the timing that I will wear a physical wedding dress, that I have forgotten that I am already clothed. I am adorned in my spirit with grace, beauty, and honor through His salvation and holiness. My spiritual linens are pure and white, and every day my heart is being prepared for the day that He (my Groom) will return for me. Each moment that I commune with Him, I am reminded that before any man decides to declare his lifelong Love to me, I already hold the promise to “Love, honor, and protect” from God. Eternally. He has always loved me. He is my First Love. I am already a Bride….His. There is no “until death, do us part” in my Groom and I’s vows.

I am His now, and for always.

"How I Got Over". The Roots.

The Roots - How I Got Over (Directed by BBGUN) from bbgun on Vimeo.