Monday, December 29, 2008

2 Wrongs Don't Make a Mr. Right...

I am only 23 years old.

On top of being very young, I am not amongst the fleet of females who are in a desperate dash towards the alter. There are things I want to do & places I want to go before I become someone's wife. In this microwave-em society, I appreciate the art of taking things slowly...But personally, the underlying issue isn't about continuing to "look for" Mr. Right, because I thought I had solved that mystery.

He, is 21.
And unsure if I am "The One".

There lies the dilemma...because I am not so sure anymore, either.
He is my best friend and there is no one else on this planet that I would rather spend my time with than him. I haven't had this much fun in my life; the present is so bright. But, I can't keep shutting out the future & what this all means...
I think of the stress we've endured lately, and I wonder if it's a sign.

What are we working towards?
A lesson learned at the end of the day? A good story?
He doesn't know...never did.
...and I used to be so sure. From the very first day. I knew.
But, something else is speaking to me...
...and I have decided to listen.

Because I love him...more than I love my own happiness.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Fly.To.Tha.Tee. (Smile)

This goes out to all you fashionistas...I actually wanted to be a designer in middle school. If you ever find yourselves in SC...look me up. Maybe we could look at some of my sketches over a nice pot of earl grey.


But, I do hate fashion conformity. Or apathy. I want to punch a baby (thanks Dane Cook) whenever I pass by a girl who looks like she got dressed in the dark. Call me materialistic. Or shallow. But, I'm one of the rare people who see fashion as an opportunity to make art. Walking art. you didn't know THAT about Spoken.Word, huh? Hey. It's almost 2009.

Thanks to Miss Stefanie for guiding me towards this cool website. Here's a pallet that I created myself...enjoy!

A Day in Paris by iamspokenword

Confessions&Admissions (Smile)

I scooped this from Ms.Londondiva and I thought it was a great idea...snatch it if you want. [Enjoy.]

10 Things you wish you could say to ten different people:
1. Leave me alone...please.
2. You are NOT that cute sis...please save what little you have left of your dignity and sit down sumwhere...
3. Calm down...I am over you.
4. I trust my man, but I don't know you. I'm not the jealous type...but don't give me a reason.
5. I would leave everything and everyone behind for you. So let's do it...RIGHT NOW.
6. I'm sorry, but I honestly don't like you all that much.
7. ________ really hurt my feelings...and I don't trust you like I used to.
8. I don't want to move back home after graduation.
9. For all we don't pay us enough.
10. You make me feel like crap.

9 Things about yourself:
1. I like to bake.
2. I am a fashion fiend with no money...ironic combination.
3. I want to write for the rest of my life.
4. I can sing. Quite well, actually.
5. I'm madly in love with a man that I want to be my husband but scared to death that he isn't.
6. I like computers & gadgety things...
7. I love to sleep.
8. I don't procrastinate, actually...I just hate deadlines or being rushed. So, I guess I'm slow-paced out of spite.
9. Jesus is my everything.

8 Ways to win my heart:
1. Have an deep appreciation/gift for writing.
2. Love God genuinely...lacking the stiff, religious ora.
3. Pay attention.
4. Be random.
5. Despise too many borders/boundaries.
6. No hidden motives.
7. Don't shy away from pictures.
8. Talk with conviction.

7 Things that cross my mind a lot:
1. Nicholas
2. A scripture that I recently read.
3. My plans for the next year.
4. My unborn children.
5. My latest mini-crisis.
6. Music lyrics/melody
7. Current poem topic I'm musing about

6 Things I do before I go to sleep:
1. Shower/bathe.
2. Eat a snack.
3. Wrap/comb/brush my hair
4. Pick out outfit for next day.
5. Talk to Nicholas on the phone/text him.
6. Pray

5 People I couldn’t live without:
(Keeping God as a given because He's the only one that I could NOT live without.)
1. My mom
2. My step-dad
3. My Nicholas...ha..I mean, Nicholas.
4. My Papa
5. (Interchangeable spot) My roommate Jess currently has this spot.

4 Things I am wearing right now:
1. Black spaghetti-strapped shirt
2. Short-shorts.
3. Slippers
4. An embarrassed look.

3 Songs that fit my life perfectly(right now):
1. "Get Up" by Mary Mary
2. "1st & Love" by Brandy
3. "Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood

2 Things I want to do before I die:
1. Publish at least 5 books...with at least 1 of them a best-seller.
2. Be a mother.

1 Confession:
I don't want to go any further. I have met "the One". His presence in my life is one of the few things that I am absolutely content/happy about.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

This Is 2008....and I'm Out!!! ;0)

So. I got this list of questions from a friend who it got it from a I wouldn't dare claim authorship. Here we go...Happy Holidays folks. God bless.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

I got the Keys to the a Resident Assistant for a dormitory floor. Which opened the door to a whole bunch of great fun/randomness. Before that...I was an Office Girl at a Inner-city kids camp (traveling further west than I ever had).

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I remember resolving to be braver. And though its been a fight...I have been. Next year...I'm kicking it up a notch.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yep. Friends @ home.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

::Kicks a pepple:: None, regretably.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A degree and an apartment (possibly).

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

My last night off while at Kamp. It was the night I realized that my man truly has my back. Oh and September 13th...the day my baby took me to celebrate my birthday. That was one of the best dates I've ever had.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surving RA responsibilites, maintaning an A/B grade average with 18 credit hours, having an active social life, and taking care of my man ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not taking enough time for myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I've had many, many headaches. But I havent' been seriously sick all year. Thank God.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My laptop!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My freshman girls living on the hall...they went through a lot and did so well.
And my baby, Nick. He took some major ego shots this year and maintained his kind heart.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Mmm. My school peers throughout the election.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Food. And my laptop.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Traveling so much & having the money to do it. I went to New Jersey, New York, and Missouri.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

"Get Up" by Mary Mary

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- i. happier or sadder? happier...definitely.
- ii. thinner or fatter? thinner.
- iii. richer or poorer? shoot...richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

smiling and letting go.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

being defensive.

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?

over and over again...but with the same person. And deeper.

21. How many one-night stands?


22. What was your favorite TV program?

The Office, Seinfeld, and Family Guy still has the top spots (Thanks

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

The Devil is STILL a stupid liar...

24. What was the best book you read?

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. That book changed my life.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I got into Folk/Pop more this year....Ingrid Michaelson, KT Tunstall, Sara Bareilles, Colbie Caillat.

Two words: Michael Buble.

And the return of my girl, Brandy. That album is underrated to me.

26. What did you want and get?

Love, lessons, and friends.

27. What did you want and not get?

Straight A's.

28. What were your favorite films of this year?

Kung-Fu Panda, Seven Pounds, Dark Knight

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

At midnight my hall stormed into my room (at once) and sprayed me with silly string. They sang to me and gave me a crown that had lights on the front. Then we had cake while I did curfew Later on that day, I went to class, got a surprise in class from my baby, but had a miny breakdown because he couldn't hang out. :0) Happy 23 to me!!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More money in my pocket to do more.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Soft-core Bohemian mixed with a bit of Preppy.

32. What kept you sane?

My Bible, music, my RA partner/roommate, and my baby

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Still in the running...Will Smith.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Faith's place in legislation.

35. Whom did you miss?

My circle of friends from back home and my baby.

36. Who was the best new person(s) you met?

People @ KAA & the entire dorm of 28-2.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

"Anything worth having is worth fighting for."

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned."

You'll never guess who this is from.....

....yep. Carrie Underwood. :0)

Saturday, December 20, 2008

His Size 12's in My Shoes...

I wish men could be women day.

The only way that they can truly understand our compassionate, complicated, sometimes tragic existance is to BE us. Not just experience the prejudiced system built around us, but also the firey battles that occur inside of us. I get that Men have a whole slew of warfare to face as, I am inclined to look at the opposite sex with understanding.

However, I am frustrated at how often I am reminded that they lack understanding. Let me simply state that I seek to be a woman after God's heart. I want to remembered for my heart after Him. My kindness towards others. I want to leave an imprint on the people that knew me. These are the things MOST important to me...

..but I want a man to understand that my physical body is worth more than an occasional nod. I want him to appreciate and honor the temple God placed me in. He could have choosen for me to be any other race, or height, or build...with different eyes and a different mouth.

But He didn't. I look like me.
And I while I feel like beauty is in the eye of the beholder most of the time...I want my man to indulge in the beauty God invested in me. I don't want him to "tolerate" my looks just because he enjoys my mind/heart.

I'm not fishing for a compliment. Self-image has been an issue that I have battled with for most of my life, and I finally feel like I am gaining an advantage. So, those closest to me should not enable me in my weakness. I want to be (as the title of the book states) Captivating.

Men: do not tolerate our existance. Every hair on our head was destined.
Women are the climax of creation. God made sure that everything was in place before he made us. And the best part about that is that God wanted to take us out of the very BEST of His creation: Man. Meaning...we are a part of you. So don't treat us like we are from Venus. We were both created in His image...Cherish me like you would your own body.

Walk a little while in my shoes, and realize that beauty takes precedence over comfort most of the time.

A Stranger in My Parent's House

“I am my mother’s daughter.”

This is the statement that I would most likely use when asked to describe myself. I took joy in always being referred collectively with my family. In being known by my last, and not my first, name. I naturally adopted my family’s principles and their characteristics. Their mannerisms are slowly starting to show on my face. But instead of smiling slightly while connecting the dots…I frown. It isn’t that my family is extraordinarily dysfunctional or that I would openly deny my blood-laced ties to them….but…

…I am not a little girl anymore. Looking into the mirror I see my mother’s high cheeks and nose; my father’s full lips and chin…and the eyes of a pleasant stranger... Who is this woman?

Currently, I am growing fonder of the idea of a life out on my own. Establishing a peace of mind that is significantly unique. Distinct and God-given directly to me. My parents throw themselves at me when I am home from school during vacation, but are rarely interested in the evolving young woman who meets them at the door.

“I know you too well, girl.” My mother says. Our constant arguments should only reveal to her how limited her knowledge of me is…She knows me. She made me. She loves me. But…she does not know me.

Granted, there are ways about me that are central, and will not change drastically. But, everyday that I spend with myself is a day that I learn something new. I have interests and pursuits that have recently been awakened that she doesn’t understand.

My love for jazz & my desire to travel. It was only a few years ago that I only loved R&B and was a homebody. Quite the contrast, right?

My mother has my past. And will, forever and always…

But my present is building and my future is vast and wide-open. Above/around me is a God who alone is omniscient (all-knowing). My parents are responsible for the person that I am today. They were entrusted with the great task of teaching me foundational truths. Truth concerning God. Truth concerning Love. Truth concerning right and wrong. How to treat people. Manners. Keeping your word. Putting others first…and above all…God. Standing up for what is noble and pure. Speaking up AND holding your tongue (having the wisdom to know when each is appropriate).

They have taught me these things. Therefore, I owe them so much. According to God, I owe them my honor. How? Through how I live my life. Will I continue in the things that they have taught me? I intend to…with all my might.

But that is simply the foundation. What is built on top of that is of God’s (my) choosing. And I must have faith in God and courage within myself to build. And this house…will look unlike anything that my family has seen in their lifetimes combined. Or I.

It has to be different….There has to be more….

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The True Meaning of Christmas.

There is a lot of aspects about the holiday season that I despise. And there are parts that I look forward to every year. But, the thing that saddens me the most isn't that we've replaced a Newborn Christ with a fictional Santa Claus, it's that those who know the true significance of the holiday make no room for Him. We say the same thing that the dozens of innkeepers said to His parents that same night: "There's no room in the inn." We stuff the Savior of the world into a stuffy, dirty barn filled with smelly animals. We think the King of the Universe isn't precious enough to have the best. Instead of being born and placed in royal linens and given the treatment of a King, we afford Him only a used feeding trough and a soiled cloth. Doesn't He deserve more. Doesn't he deserve our best? For who He is alone, doesn't he deserve the Palace of our heart...and not the barn?

As you celebrate this holiday season, with all of its glitter and chaos...make sure that Jesus is at the center of it all. This holiday, like all holidays are to commemorate something important...Christmas is about Christ. Let us be thankful that although He came through humble means...He DID COME. For one purpose: to save Mankind. Remember this, and let it permeate our hearts throughout this season and into the new year.

Happy & Blessed Holidays to you and yours...

Enjoy reading one of my favorite Christmas carols...

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Only.Me.For Him.

Periodically I look at a picture of myself (like the one above, for example) and I ask the question: Who is this girl....really?

Question of the decade. Haha.
There were times where it drew blank stares. Grimaces. And sarcastic laughs.
If I were to ask those closest to me...they would give only a resume of my talents.
Others: a long list of likes, dislikes, and moods.
I dare no one would come closer to the truth than my mother...
...but even SHE would miss the essence by a mile.
No one spends more time with me...than how is it that I've spent most of my lifetime stumped by this question?

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. "~Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905

I haven't been living a lie. More so I have been chasing one.
Absorbing the light of others and ignoring the steady flicker placed inside of my own soul.
Believing that if I impacted enough lives and spoke the right words that God would give me the acceptance that He has already offered. And promised.

Somewhere in the shuffle of the crowd I let go of His hand. So I tugged on endless shirttails asking, "Have you seen my Daddy?" Surely these nice people could help me find Him. But, the sounds of their directions/questions drowned out the voice of my Father calling for me. In losing Him, I lost me. But, it is thrilling how crystal clear my [true and redeemed] heart is when it has the light of His Glory shining on it...

1. I sing at the top of my lungs; getting lost in the melody and emotion. Carefree and joyous. A true lover of music.
2. I write from the depths of my soul. In whatever form it happens to flow into. Not for acclaim. And never for approval. Content takes precedence over grammar.
3. I am two opposites joined. Yin and Yang within myself. A more envious form of Bipolar. A healthier version of a Manic-Depressive. I am noisy and I am silence. I am serious and I am humorous. I am introverted and I am bold. I am cautious and I am fearless. Tender and Intense. I am high-top converse's and I am high heels. I am pink ribbons and black nail polish.
4. I believe in Truth. And Beauty. And Love. And I will guard them ferociously.
5. I am the Apple of My Father God's eye. He gave His life for me, and I owe Him my everything. His sacrifice tells me that I am special to Him.
6.. I am still learning. The color on my wings growing more vivacious, the smile on my face increasing in mystery. Look into my eyes and see that I've got a secret.

Now...look at that picture again...