200.

My 200th post! Feels pretty exciting...
Mainly because I've been able to stick with something consistently. And with all of the changes that have taken place in my life since my first post,  I'd say that this is somewhat of an achievement. Or maybe I'm just a know-it-all (lol)....either way. Here it is: number 200...


Random thoughts:

1. My pride of having a black president is starting to wear off, and I'm getting increasingly worried that President Obama may be completely ignoring civil opinion. I fear many things about the future of America. One of them being that our first minority president is being corrupted, despite all of his good intentions coming into office.
2. Why are all of these music artists coming out with reality shows about their lives? Truthfully, I don't care how you grew up (which doesn't take a whole season to reveal) or your struggle to put together a huge birthday party in Miami. Even though your music may speak some relevance to me, I cannot relate to your current woes about which island in the Caribbean to spend Christmas. I don't care.
3. This summer is confirming to me that hell is not an option.
4. I need more fun in my life; whether I have money at the time or not.
5. I hate it when my beloved is stressed out. More so when I see that he's attempting to handle it all on his own; trying to convince me that nothing's really wrong. He doesn't know that I see him more than he thinks.
6. I need to get married. Now. This limbo between seriously committed couple and engaged couple is getting old. lol And I'm only partially kidding...
7. I love my hair. Thank you Kinky-curly :)
8. I don't care if Drake sold almost 500,000 units in his first week. I still do not like his music. 
9. My perfect concert: Janelle Monae/VV Brown with B.O.B & Lupe Fiasco (I love alternative Hip Hop/Soul. I can get my rock fix with some bomb instrumentally thorough tracks that have dope lyrics).
10. I'm doing 25 HUGE. I'm already planning...

Love & War

After much self-inspection, I am still not sure exactly how I survived the past 16 months. While I am grateful that a Being more sovereign than I saw fit to accompany me every step of the way, acting as a guide/protector, I am still taking inventory of all that my heart has endured. Years ago, I would have submerged myself into a vat of self-pity labeled "Victim-mentality", but with 25 less than 3 months away...I'm finding a different perspective. On what it means to live. Truly live. But foremost, on how to truly love.

One cannot be sure how strong the bond is between two people unless it has been tested. Taken through a variety of turmoil and even betrayal. However, I feel that it isn't just the strength of the love that's stressed, but the power of the Will of each person. At any moment after a betrayal or crisis, only one person is needed to decide not to continue. To be committed to another person is the weightiest vow a human being can give, because he/she knows that love alone just isn't enough.  We gladly give our lives (and rightfully so) to the notion of possessing love. To give ourselves completely to it. We innately desire to be disassembled by its ways; changing us from the inside out. Then, we realize that intense feelings can be duplicated from person to person. The addicting high that comes with connecting with another person can be experienced repeatedly (as you move from person to person)..and we can feed off of the excitement of an individual's mystery for years. The Love is there, but the Will has not yet taken the reigns.

The first time I fell in love, it ended because he slept with another woman. After 2 years of dating, we had just begun to get to know each other. It was my first adult relationship and we both knew early that we wanted it to lead to marriage. We were insanely in love and it drove our lives. I had just gotten over a 5 year crush/fling that left me empty and afraid. I was war-torn. I can remember the first time he held me, because it was the first time I'd ever been held like that by a man. I was intrigued and enamored by him. So, we allowed ourselves to be caught up in the ebb and flow of our love; with nothing else sustaining us. In retrospect, I believe that we could have worked it out. We could have taken this season of war and used it to strengthen a love that was already present. But we did not.

I allowed that relationship to form my original philosophy on relationships: Love is a Choice.

Afterward, I stopped being afraid of enduring war in Love. I realized it was necessary, and a testing agent to how strong the Love is. Currently, I am still in awe of how much stronger my heart is now. Because it had been broken, subtly and repeatedly. Others have broken it intentionally. However, my Love for my Beloved is so much stronger than it was 16 months ago. My choice to love him is as fiery and passionate as a summer fling, but it's girded with the stuff that allows Love to see its golden years.

War.

Raheem DeVaughn 

Feat. Jill Scott, Bilal, Anthony Hamilton, Algebra, Chrisette Michele, Shelby Johnson, Ledisi, Citizen Cope, Dwele, Chico DeBarge & Rudy Currence

Do Yourself a Favor...

Tightrope (Wondamix) Janelle Monae feat. Lupe Fiasco & B.O.B.

How I Feel (Photo & Words Version)

Rest.

Take one moment to pause.

Stop to catch your breath.

Because you are about to engage in the rest of your life. 

So stretch your tired muscles

Take the smile inside you out of hiding 

And point yourself in the direction of your destiny. 

No need for certainty,

Only gather Faith.

Look around for just a moment and marvel at your surroundings,

and remember how far you've come already.

Be grateful.

1st Year of Grad School. Done. {Basically...}

How I Feel...

It's that time again....

Be back in two weeks.

My current theme song:

{Remembering} Dr. Dorothy Irene Height

(March 24, 1912 – April 20, 2010)

"Grandmother of the Civil Rights Movement"

Activist. Educator. Woman. Black.

Her Biography

Thank You Dr. Height.

Men to Avoid. (A Comprehensive List)

1. The Fiend
I understand that it is a bit of a challenge for both men and women to exercise self-control when it comes to sex. Especially men. Our culture is sexually saturated and that actually weakens the will to keep sex separated for (truly) committed relationships. If you find yourself with a guy who 1) cannot keep his hands off of you at your prompting, 2) makes sexually explicit jokes/references often enough to make it uncomfortable, or 3) has significantly lower/no standards than you when it comes to sex, then you need to leave him alone. [Special mention: If you find porn on his computer/in his DVD collection: run!] This poor guy is not capable of contributing the real work it takes to maintain a relationship outside of the bedroom. No matter how much he brags on his sexual prowess, know that he is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually impotent. Also, you need a guy who you can be sure will protect your integrity, (whether you have been sexual or not).

2. The Passive-Aggressive
In the post-era of the Woman's progressive movement, the sexes are maneuvering on a more equal plane. However, there are some extremes that have been traded in for others. Despite popular opinion, the majority of women still want a "knight-in-shining armor". A protector. A man who will stick up for them at a moment's notice and not be afraid of standing up for what's right. Also, women (as much as we hate to admit it) need a man who will correct us respectfully. [I'll place the emphasis on correct, since respectfully should be a given.] Beware of the guy who is too soft to stand up to others, much less stand up to you. If he doesn't have the self-respect to divide right from wrong, then he is not adequate enough to stand next to you. He's still got some growing to do.

3. The Spiritually Mundane
This one gets a lot of us into unnecessary trouble. First of all, I would suggest two things: 1)you are spiritually growing yourself, 2)that you date within your religion. I've noticed many women (myself included) set their standards too high in other areas (e.g. salary, no kids, etc.) and will accept the bare minimum when it comes to a man's religious walk. Know where your standard is spiritually and do not accept a man who will not actively encourage you to grow. If he shows no remorse towards his/your acts of immorality and isn't attempting to feed his spirit man regularly, then you need to show him the door. If a man cannot lead himself spiritually, then as a spiritual leader he may run a household into the ground.

4. The Momma's Boy
I've heard from a number of sources that if you want to see how a man will treat you; watch how he treats his mother. That is a proven truth. There is, however, an extreme that exists. It is one thing if he seeks wise counsel from his parents/mother, but it is completely unhealthy if he cannot make major decisions without consulting her. A guy who clings to his mother will eventually cling to you; which will lead to you being the stronger half of the relationship. If he seldom/never takes charge over little decisions, or if he consistently caters to your every whim without expressing his own desires, then you should take a step back and examine his heart. Is this his misguided attempt at wooing you or is he secretly afraid of having a back-bone?

5. The Caveman
This guy sees you as his personal porcelain doll. He explicitly thinks that women have a solitary place; which is at the man's side. He has no real regard for a woman as an individual, and is incapable of viewing her past her shapely thighs and alluring nature. To him, women are always nagging and emasculating. This is the guy who complains about women excessively while he's in between relationships. He has an exact philosophy when it comes to women and their behavior, but can't seem to figure out why he's still single. He can be quite charming when engaged in the Chase, but he is actually afraid of being truly vulnerable to the fairer sex. He thinks that as along as he can mentally dominate a female, that he is exerting his manhood. Steer clear of this guy. You do that, then you'll slowly drain him of his mo-jo.

6. The Opportunist
A real man makes things happen, but the extent of this man's hustle is limited to those he associates with. Be cautious when being pursued by him, because he will drain you of your ambition. A woman's hustle is born out of a necessity, and is maintained by a sense of survival. I think, however, the man's hustle is the complete opposite. If, while you're chasing your dreams, he's on the sidelines, then I urge you to give your relationship a second look. Seasons of failure are a given, but a man who has no vision of his own (for his own) is not a man to follow. Don't let him steal your shine...let him go find his own.

7. The Drama King
There is always something popping off with him. You can be relaxing at his house, waiting for him to get off of work. So graciously tidy up his place and start cooking him a meal to enjoy when he gets home. Much to your surprise, he comes in the house, overly upset that you cooked because he was in the mood for pizza. (extreme example, I know) This man loves to pick fights, because he has a sick desire to mentally and emotionally tire you. In moments where he is discontent with his life (temporarily or generally), he intentionally sets up "traps" in your conversations to start arguments. If 1) you are unsure what mood he is going to be in from one day to the next, 2)you notice his reactions never match the situation, or 3)you feel emotionally drained when you're around him, then you should get out of this relationship. These are the types of men who turn out to be abusers (emotional/physical).

So...You Think You're A Lady? (Repost)

My mother is one of the classiest women I have ever known. No matter how many incredible ladies I will meet in THIS lifetime, no one will surpass my mother. I look up to her simple because she always seeks to be better, despite her flaws. Jesus is my Source for Holiness, but my mother is my example for the standard of class and sophistication.

To my mother, I dedicate this note.

Sadly, most young women lack the 3 things that are imperative in a Lady's character:Dignity, Wisdom,Spirituality.

Dignity- bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation; elevation of character.

Wisdom- knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.

Spirituality- predominantly spiritual character as shown in thought, life, etc.

......

As young women, especially young black women, we have been taught to take up for ourselves. Never let anyone talk you down. Don't back down from anyone. The definition of our character comes from the wrong places. Either we are known for our shape, or for our loud mouths. But a true lady not only knows what to say, but she knows how to say it, and in what situation its appropriate to say it.

Also, our presence doesn't demand respect. We will attract what is inside of us. If you attract disrespect, then its because you need to increase your amount of self-respect. Because the Holy Spirit dwells inside of you, you will treat it as a temple. This should effect what you put on your temple, put into your temple, and allow to come out of your temple. Covers just about everything, right?

"I'm just being myself, and I don't care who doesn't like it."

Excuse me, sister? You don't care? It's that type of attitude that bears the fruit of an unteachable, haughty spirit. This is not the character of a lady.A lady can disagree humbly. She does not HAVE to fight so intently against the stereotypes that try to bind us, because her presence subtly changes the atmosphere around her. She doesn't have to yell or be loud, because one look can express volumes, and you will know exactly how she feels. Now, she CAN get loud when the occasion calls for it, but her wisdom discerns when it is necessary.

She does not have to be self-reliant, because in everything she does, she relies on God for. He supplies her every need. There is no reason for her to chase a man, or break her back endlessly in her career, because she keeps her Father as her number one priority. She doesn't keep her ear to a music industry that constantly slanders her, nor does she listen to the words of the streets who attempt to enslave her. She quiets her spirit, turns off the noise, and concentrates on what her Lord has to say about her. This is where she finds her strength.

Young women, please pay attention to these words. You are far more valuable than you are presenting yourself to be. Your Lord, Your God, is King of the Universe, and you are His daughter.....

...honey, that makes you Royalty. You are a Princess.

Be encouraged.

My Jam for the Moment...

This song grabs me. And the video gives me energy.

God bless James Brown...

The New [Old] Standard.

Guess what? Your way of Love just isn't cutting it.

Be More.

Cop Sho Baraka's newest album, Lions & Liars.

Photo Editing Attempt

love24, originally uploaded by iamspokenword.

"24" is concerning the journey of my 24th year on earth.

How I Feel.

"...He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."

-1 John 4:4

I am a mere silhouette. A vessel for greatness.

192 hours.

For the past 8 days, loving him has been like enduring open heart surgery without anesthesia. Metaphorically speaking, of course.  All of my theories and convictions about love are undergoing great scrutiny, and sometimes I can't tell my heart from my head. On a brighter note, they are finally starting to come to an agreement: Love is a gorgeous mess.

For the past 3 years (almost), I've been one of three corners in a technical love triangle of friendlationship. (Yes, friendlationship is friendship + relationship. Hear that, Webster?) Infidelity was avoided, but I still ended up being the victim of betrayal. Ultimately, my desire was to keep this out of the blogworld until time created a healthy amount of distance between the confession and the pain that ensued. However, my words provide me healing. Hopefully, it will give my readers the same benefit.

If you read between the lines of my love and I's story, then you will see annotations of another significant bond in his life. This bond, while purposeful in its valuing of genuine friendship, carried the weight of the "What If". Granted, it was incapable of stunting the progression of passion between my love and I. Nonetheless, the fantasy of potential was fed, subtly...until the moment it was strong enough to take on a life of its own. This significant moment fell parallel with the season we took a breather from The Title, mind you. I think the instant I knew that I loved someone who had questionable feelings for someone else, I realized that it would always be the three of us. The night I held his confession letter, I was escorted back to that night I saw him holding her from the reflection of my darkened computer screen. It felt like deja-vu, almost. Although I didn't understand why my heart felt heavy that night so long ago, the rush of past connecting with the present gave me clarity. And it only took me a second to track through every conversation, each moment I quieted the sickening feeling in my gut, and every instance I forced myself to trust him.

My love and I are well on our way to recovery and reconciliation. However, my interaction with the third corner is in a peculiar place. I know most would say that reaching out to her is unnecessary, but my heart beckoned me to. She is peculiar to me, because I'm told that she places only a feather's weight on what happened. Therefore, my attempts to reconcile seem to come off annoying and juvenile....and she is well within her rights to ignore me and my heart. Although it pains me, I will shake the metaphorical dust off of my feet and try to repair and rebuild. I am allergic to dysfunction, but I will not run from it. I'll choose, instead, to war with it.

My love is actively working to gain my trust back. As with the third corner, she sees no point in responding to my extension of forgiveness. No worries, though. I have her scent; matched with a keen sense of smell.

**Update (March 22, 2010): I've talked to the third corner and from our conversation, I've gained closure about her.

Speak. {Part 1}

For most of my childhood, I thought that my voice was either insignificant or incompetent. I grew up as a soft-spoken soul in the midst of a loud family who needed to shout to get their point across. My peers and I, in grade school, held the belief that the people who talked the loudest/most were heard/reverenced more. I was neither. However, my silence gave me maneuvering abilities. I was able to observe without being noticed, and I witnessed many truths and life lessons. I literally learned through the mistakes of others, and that gave me a bit of wisdom that most teenagers did not have. In a way, it made it easier to stay out of trouble, because I was close enough to see where some paths lead. Superiors and mentors in my life began to take notice. And suddenly, I became an "ideal" teenager; with a clean lifestyle and wisdom, conjointly. Through my silence/docile nature, I had finally been given a voice.


Somewhere around my 21st birthday, I became more and more vocal. Confident in spiritual matters because I'd been groomed to be the leader. The fault-less standard of holiness that others could look up to. The one who not only lived above reproach, but made sure she told everyone else how they should straighten up. I became less afraid of speaking up; and caring less about the consequences. It was liberating, truly. Considering that I was forced to keep silent; be seen and never heard, I took most opportunities to open my heart and mouth and use it as a method to teach and educate others.

My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment. Even so, the tongue is a little member and boasts great things.   --James 3:1,5

 The moment I was given a voice, I also accepted the tendency to be judgmental and haughty. I assumed that I'd been given a gift of oversight to correct others. I was, unknowingly, using a vehicle of condemnation; calling it a gift of teaching. Meanwhile, I myself struggled with correction, and was more condemning to my own heart than anyone else. "This is the way that it has to be, right?" "People won't change unless you give them hard truth and pierce through their emotions!" I think this passage in James says that those who wish to teach must have a clearer sense of grace, empathy, and humility than those they teach. Teachers will be examined more thoroughly, because of the responsibility attached to carry truth to others. If the teachers misuse their role, then people may not receive truth.

Let everyone be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger because the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. -- James 1:19-20

Likes & Dislikes

Likes

• Ihop's International Free Pancake Day
• Naps
• Candid pictures that capture emotion
• Doggy bags from restaurants
• eBay
• Struggling to stop laughing
• Cult films that represent Black culture (e.g. Coming to America, Black Dynamite)
• Learning something new about him
• Feeling the peace of God immediately change my attitude
• A good quote

Dislikes

• Feeling rushed
• People who constantly take but never try to give
• Seeing a sweet kid shyly smile at you and then the frustrated mother snatch him away
• Getting up extra early to finish homework
• Crying from frustration
• Pushy, ungrateful people
• That one person that usually messes up the chill vibe in a room
• Double standards
• Going too long without reading my Bible

For Michael. [Rememberance]

 11 years and still I feel aching. 

Not a sorrowful aching, though. I don't wish for you to leave Paradise to reacquaint yourself to mortal flesh; taking back on its limits and sometimes repugnant tendencies. 

Keep your wings. 

Spread them, fan the Glory of Heaven closer to where we are. Where we wait, in anticipation. The Lord has been faithful to mend the wounds caused by the suddenness of your goodbye. And He will keep our hearts steady. Everyday. Especially today.

I miss you. 

Michael Bradley Jeter

August 1, 1979 - February 22, 1999

Food Lion+Ingles+Kroger = My Rodeo Drive.

Everytime my mother calls, she'll ask the same question:"You got enough food in your fridge? You getting enough to eat?" Lately, I find myself fussing over my boyfriend more and more when he tells me that he hasn't eaten all day. The first thing I do when I travel back home to my parents' house (after resting my bags in my old room) is look in the refrigerator. And not necessarily because I'm hungry, but it somehow helps me guage how well my parents are doing financially.

I'm starting to notice a trend...

I connect a sense of well-being with the amount of food I have direct access to.

I am not proud to admit this...but the last month and a half of the past fall semester, I stole food from the dining hall on campus. Because of the campus dining plan I chose, I could only visit the dining hall 5 times a week. Plus, I had ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY. Granted, I had shelter, hot water, electricity, and a warm bed. Thankfully, I didn't owe my university any money. But the miniature fridge tucked underneath my bed had a jar of applesauce and a couple bottles of water in it. Life, momentarily, sucked. However, it's strange to me that the moment I received a bit of money, the first thing I thought of to buy was food. I was elated that I could go to the grocery store and get groceries to last me a whole month instead of a pair of cute boots...or skinny jeans from American Eagle. And whenever my fridge was stocked to capacity, with a overloaded bin of snacks sitting next to it, I could care less that the bottoms of my AE ballet flats are starting to wear thin, or that my jeans are outdated. Or that I can fit my entire wardrobe in one suitcase, even.
 
In the smallest amount feasible, I understand what it's like to not know where you're next meal is coming from. But there are people in other countries, children especially, who go days...weeks without food. Americans see economic status based on the types/quality of clothes a person wears, but true poverty is found within a man. Also, there are almost 13000 McDonald's running in America, with 2000 more than open every year. Americans are the most unhealthy, wasteful people as a group. 25% of the food Americans eat is thrown away.

We think that being blessed is what we drive, wear, and possess. Christians, even, think sometimes that what Jesus meant in John 10:10 equates to material possessions. Granted, He never clarifies, but I'm sure it wasn't physical wealth. There are many people in this world, on a daily basis, that go without basic needs.  We should be content (which is not the same as settling) with what we have.

There is no greater satisfaction than a full stomach.



*Dedicated to broke college students.

Wants & Needs

Wants

• skinny jeans & an external hard drive....still
• more money
• an amazing photo shoot with the best friend
• to know who my real friends are
• a vacation

Needs

• skinny jeans
• more discipline with the money I have
• intentionally make mental pictures of quiet moments with the best friend
• treat everyone with respect and dignity, whether they deserve it or not
• more moments to rest my mind

How I Feel.

In the immortal words of Shug Avery:

"Ooo, Miss Celie...I feels like sanging!"

Learn The Lesson.

"Life is a long lesson in humility." -- James Matthew Barrie

We live in the age of the Hater, where we place emphasis on having victory over odds and others. From birth, we are taught to pursue what we want in life, and that the most important opinion is our own. The toughest heart is girded to hold to the belief that you can only count on yourself. You are all you have. Even religious-minded people hold similar thoughts: "Trust no man, only God." " Only God can judge me."  Circumstances, which are meant to chip away the hardness of our hearts, only add to the boulder on our shoulders. Overall, it's puzzling to me why we end up choosing to grasp tighter to ourselves, instead of letting go. Is it that we think we'll end up losing ourselves at the end of it all? But that's impossible.

We are who we are.

When God created us, He didn't just mold our outer shells. He also placed an inner nature deep inside. That, which is "in His image". But, as the story goes, we believed a lie and took on another, false nature. True love is self-sacrificing, but we are taught that love is indicative on how a person makes us feel. We weren't created to deny our feelings, or be led by them. Yet, God knew that a passionate heart, tainted by a sinful nature would equal disaster. Which is why we, as human beings, are in a constant, ever-abounding need of an ego check.

All of us. From Hitler to Mother Theresa.

Our society desires to keep us occupied on the dissension that lies between us, instead of the real battle that's going on. I'm not downplaying hurt, rejection, or any of the other forms of heartache that one can endure in a lifetime. However, we are taught that the remedy is to increase your self-love. That if you'd simply love yourself more, it will help you make sense of all you've been through. But, that is incomplete.

It's amazing the point of reference you have when you take the stance of a servant.

Love's Day. (A Letter)

Dear Everyone,

You are Loved. Always have been, and always will be. 

Celebrate, on this, your day.

Love,

God

Friends, Acquaintances, and Other Folk.

I've had an especially fierce burden on my shoulders for my friends recently. Most of them are involved in a wide array of circumstances, and I've actually been able to slow down enough to watch their turmoil unfold before me in a slow-motion fashion. I remember having significant moments like that in high school, and I'm sure it means the same as it does now:

God is intentionally pointing something out to me. To learn from and to pray for. In these moments, God tends to teach me about the ways of people. Certain people, at times, but usually its a general lesson about humanity. I'm broken by the sabotage we allow to go on in our relationships with others. It's natural to have dysfunction...because we're humans. But it's almost as if we have this itch for utter destruction to happen ever so often. People have become indispensable, and we don't value others enough to look past our own needs.

You see it everyday, divorces happen. Childhood friends fall out of sync. Family members hold life-long grudges that affect generations. And we'll choose, instead, to hold onto this immaterial pain that makes our hearts more feeble and colder. Or worse, we'll fill our lives with numerous shallow, unproductive acquaintances...and think that it will fill the place that God reserved for those that will add to our existence. Vulnerably speaking, I wish not to surround myself with drones of people who aren't looking out for my benefit. Those who won't help me stay true to my standards, convictions, ...myself.

Life is too short to try and go at this thing all alone. And I'd rather have two or three in my corner than a crowd of people spectating in the stands.

Figure out who your real friends are. And treat them that way.

Interlude: Re-Introducing.

Brittney S.

Age 24

In pursuit of a more intimate walk with my Lord.

Explicitly Black.

Graciously Woman.

I write. everything.

Presently being equipped to go back & save our children.

Heart of gold that beats outside of my chest.
Lives for the stage but deaf to applause.
Secretly building "my castle made for two"...


Hello.