FE is the Truth. Period.

We've Come So Far, but have So Far To Go.

I have loved the same guy for over 2 1/2 years. He's been my friend for over 3 1/2. It was a short time before I fell in love with him, that he was my Best friend. In the span of 18 months, we aimed and shot emphatically at each others hearts....pacing at the speed of light. Passion and emotion, mixed with a deeply poetic connection and Spiritual accord to boot, and you have a duo that became almost infamous among our circle of friends.

Life did what it's known to do. It proved to be bigger than we could handle with our overeager hands. The title became too much of a weight to carry. And the future, with all of its expectations and hope, took his breath away. Thus, the status became "complicated".

After almost 7 months of being "just friends", there's still a glow growing between us that we can't seem to smother. Close friends of ours watch closely to see if we'll eventually disintegrate like most in the same scenario do. The title has been stripped; resting on a strategically placed mantel...hidden away. But, laughter and camaraderie still exists as strongly as it ever did. Granted, it took some work to get there...but we're still here. Still friends.

I look back at the path we've taken to get to this spot, and it's littered with debris from all that we've endured at one another's side. And then I squint my eyes at the trail extended before he and I. It's straight and narrow, yet wide enough for two pairs of feet. And it seems to stretch for miles.....

How I Feel...

Final Thoughts for Tonight...

Who is this voice telling me not to trust him?
...dear God, I hope he doesn't hurt me...

Court Jester.

I'm very good at making myself look like a fool for him. Since enduring the Great Hurt in high school, I promised myself that I would never conduct heart matters without a heavy amount of dignity. Now, all of my mature intentions have gone completely out of the window. I am utterly devoid of "cool points". And I could care less.

Even though I can feel my inner feminist cringe and flinch whenever I smile insanely at a text from him, look at his picture for the millionth time, or jump at the sound of his ring-tone, the romantic little girl in me comes out of hiding. Each day, I experience the same blended emotion:
gratefulness because of our friendship, and fear of losing his love forever. I live in the moment, emphatically....times 4. Because not only am I purposefully NOT thinking about getting back together, I am so thankful for every second and moment I get to spend with him.

I'm constantly in the mode of making a memory. I take longer looks into his eyes. Wrap my arms around his neck for a second more. I listen intently like a friend would, but at the same time...I am paying special attention to the light in his eyes when he discusses certain topics. I memorize the moments his dimples fade and reappear. The rise and fall of his smile when he's trying to hide a thought. I listen. More than he realizes.

I express purpose in my speech...so that he never misunderstands that I am appreciating every moment. And that is so foolish of me.

Because he doesn't need all of that, does he?
He doesn't need such attention or sincerity...

...rather a warm body at night, that is gone by daybreak.
Or an open, willing heart with no strings attached.
And I am a fool...because I would give it.

My Life According to [Jill Scott]

I adore this woman.
Her outlook on life, love, pain, and triumph speak to me.
I love the way she performs. How she professes to be a poet before a singer.
I appreciate how well she blends sophistication and unkempt passion.
Rage and Melancholy. Beauty and Humanity. God and the rest of us.

I copped this idea from N.Steven . The rules are: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)"

Pick Your Artist:
Jilly from Philly (BKA: Jill Scott)

Are you a male or female?
Fatback Taffy (ha!)

Describe yourself:
Can't Explain

How do you feel:
Talk to Me

Describe where you currently live:
Celibacy Blues

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
The Rain

Your favorite form of transportation:
A Long Walk Home

Your best friend is:
My Love

Your favorite color is:
Golden

What's the weather like:
Love Rain

Favorite time of the day:
8 Minutes to Sunrise

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called:
Slowly Surely

What is life to you:
Not Like Crazy

Your relationships:
I Keep/Still Here

Your fear:
Gettin in the Way

What is the best advice you have to give:
Easy Conversation

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Honey Molasses

Thought for the Day:
Wanna Be Loved

How I would like to die:
God Bless the Child

My soul's present condition:
Let it Be

My Motto:
The Fact Is (I Need You)

How I Feel...

Today.

I'd waited for over 3 months to see him. My very best friend.
I didn't know what I would do the moment my eyes met his. I didn't care, really.
I just wanted him near. Have him smile at me and playfully grab me into his arms.

Six months ago I wouldn't want to settle for just that. I'd want more.
But today...felt different. [Those desires are still alive, mind you. Hidden, but alive.]
It felt different because of how slowly each moment passed. It's like I watched his every move...in slow motion. Noticing things that I'd normally miss:
His posture.
The subtle mix of expectancy and purpose in his eyes.
The reflection and wiser introspection in his speech.

At some point Today, I thought, "My gosh. My best friend has grown. "
And it thrilled me in a way that I really can't explain.
He's always made me curious...but Today, I watched him so very closely.
I will dare to say that I was intrigued.
He is the same person, but sharper and amplified. I began to thank God because it was so evident that the summer has been good to both of us. Naturally, I am expectant. But in a calm way. Knowing that the best method doesn't involve either of our pairs of hands.

Upon my initiation, we slightly reenacted a fond memory of ours.
Our conversation, though brief, reminded me of how much I cherish him.
...and how much I....love him.

Forget relationship titles/status for a moment...being in the arms of a friend is more than I can ask for.

I'll let God take care of the technicalities....

Grad School, Here I Come...

My Heart Benches About 350...

I'm known to be a slow gravitator towards retaliation. Even as a teenager, I can count on my hands the number of times that I actively sought revenge. Not that I've never wanted to hurt someone who hurt me...but I think that I have always feared what it would be like to hold vengance in my heart for too long. Long enough where it would change me...

This has not kept me from getting hurt, mind you. Sometimes I feel that my pain is more severe than others. The blow of disappointment and betrayal sharper because I choose not to deflect it by blaming others or focusing on revenge.

I've been told that I am too sensitive.

And that my heart is too big for my own good.

That I take to heart things that the average person would shrug off easily.

All are correct....

But, in doing much soul searching, I've come to realize that I actually....like...this part of me.

Though it curses me to exist with a wide open heart; increasingly susceptible to hurt...I have been given a Strength that girds my heart with armor. The unpentrable nature shows on the inside rather than permeates the outside...like most hearts seem to be.

I'm not of the weak, naive, or ignorant.

I look at pictures of old loves with new loves and can smile.

Shake the hands of those who used them once to do me harm.

And strive to live peaceably with all men.

Each time I extend an embrace. Take notice, but Forgive a personal grievance.

Consider my own short-comings before estimating another's character.

And plead with a fair-weather friend for restoration.

I feel my heart getting stronger.

Bigger....but stronger.

30. [For Michael]

August 1.

You would be 30 years old today.

And though you are basking in eternal light,

I want to take a moment to celebrate the life

God saw fit to share with me. With all of us.

You are still missed.

Happy Birthday.

Love always,

Your little sister

How I Feel...

"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain."

-CS Lewis

Closed Doors, Slammed Shut.

For the past 5 years, I have attempted the impossible:

Gaining closure from a guy that I loved for the majority of my adolescence.

This guy was perfection in my eyes, not to mention the eyes of 1 out of ever 4 females in my high school. I was among the crowd of admirers that attended all of his JV and Varsity basketall games, and changed my regular route to Chemistry, English, and Home Ec. class so that I could conveniently pass by his locker. I wasn't brave like most who wore certain halter tops and batted their eyelashes when he swaggered by...until I was 16 I was a flat-chested tomboy who wore ponytails and T-shirts regularly. However, I did get more face time with him...

...because we attended the same church and our families were close friends.

You would say that I had a certain advantage.

And for about a year or so, I sort of did.

By the summer before my Senior year in high school, my appearance had evolved (as nature called for it). To my peers, I'd somewhat shed off my tomboyish persona, and traded in my basketball shorts and sneakers for a Choir dress and heels. I saw him at every sporting event because I sang the national anthem. I performed at the school talent show my Senior year (India Arie's "I Am Ready for Love" actually....I still don't know how I managed the gall to sing in front of all those people...).

At a church youth service, he found out that I liked him. And that started a series of dramatic events that would entrap my heart for the next couple of years.

We both knew the type of guy he was(is?). He, in his own way, warned me even. Warned me not to get involved. He wooed me and dangled himself in front of me, but dared me to stay away. I didn't stand a chance. The whole "save yourself" speech only placed the last nail in my emotional coffin. And once I made the first bold step towards him, he took my hand and showed me what it really means to be "played".

Those close to him would rise to his defense and cast the blame onto me; telling me that I shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. In a way, they're exactly right. However, I think the only thing I was guilty of, is loving someone who did not deserve, nor was ready, to be loved unconditionally.

Recently, I've tried to make amends of what happened between us years ago.

I reached out.

Why? I have questions that I want answered. I have moved on, undoubtedly, but I promised myself that if I were ever offered the opportunity to talk to him again: I would take it.

It became messy for a few days...and it ended up involving other people who began to misunderstand where I was coming from.

I, however, understand one thing very clearly:

He could care less about how I feel, or what I have to say.

So, instead of continuing to be the pursuer like I did as a teenager, I'm going to take this as my exit cue.

...and instead of quietly closing this door, I'm going to slam it shut...

So that the abrupt noise that follows will serve as a reminder to all who are listening (and even he who isn't) that I am finally gone.

HawthoRNe.

I recently read an online review in the NY Times for TNT's newest television show: HawthoRNe. It began with: "TNT caters to difficult women." The review largely emphasizes the cliche' role of Jada Pinkett Smith's Christina Hawthorne. A stark contrast to Showtime's newest "Nurse Jackie", this show is mainly (according to the NY Times) "weighed down in the pursuit of worthIness".

I have watched this show since it debuted a few weeks ago, and I really enjoy it. It has the potential to be a one-lady show. A shining tribute to its main character, and even its star/executive producer: Jada Pinkett Smith. However, there are so many special things about this show that cannot be ignored.

1. The storyline.

Like most great tv dramas, the plot must be vast but short to explain. It must be gripping enough to make each show good, but not have the shows too connected, so that new viewers that arrive mid-season, or faithful ones that miss an episode, can still enjoy. I love that each episode has a special problem & issue to tackle. I guess I'm just a sucker for a good hospital drama.

2. The integrity of medicine.

This is where most hospital dramas get it wrong. I'm not saying that you must confuse the average person with medicinal/pharmacological jargon the entire episode, but most of the audience will be able to concur if this show isnt committing technical malpractice. It makes a difference.

3. Mostly wholesome & positive messages.

I couldn't get into "Gray's Anatomy". I like my occasional steamy, soap-operalike entertainment as much as the next person. But I can watch MTV's Real World for that. Or One Tree Hill. It seems people don't want positivity on TV as much as we'd like to have it in reality. I believe Art imitates life, and I would NOT want to depend on a medical staff that continuously sneaks off to the supply closet to have a quickie (See "Scrubs"...lol. That show IS hilarious, though.).

4. Great acting by new faces.

I love the acting in this show. Especially the young, black, homeless woman who's now working in the hospital (tiny spoiler if you're new to the show). Jada's character is only as good as her supporting actors, and the show is perfectly well balanced. Though there are a couple one-dimension characters that are in need of attention, I am confident that the show's writers will see to it.

5. Better portrayal of black women.

Call it overdone or cliche if you want, but this can never be overdone. People said that about The Cosby Show, too. (Some blacks may not like it, because her deceased husband was white. )If you want sorrid, gritty depictions of the usual stereotype, watch Comedy Central.

My Jam For the Moment...

Blank Pages (Random Thought)

It's time for the dysfunction to go.

My wings have been strengthened throughout the length of the journey, but I've got my eyes on higher skies. Ready to close some chapters so that the Lord can tackle these blank pages...

Beat of Life...(Random Thought)

At the end of the day, people don't want good music, or truth to convict their living, they just want an ill beat to dance to; numbing them of their problems. People want a sweet distraction, a gorgeous body to cuddle next to, and a string of euphoric moments disguised as peace of mind.

What I Know So Far...

...new things are headed my way. (I.e. Graduate school) So, I wanted to do a bit of reflecting to see what I've learned in this current season I'm in...

1. Forgive, and as quickly as possible.

[I know the size of the hurt can depend on the timing, but I've realized that pain & offense are two different things. Getting your ego bruised and taking a shot to the heart aren't the same. And while healing is needed for pain, an offense needs only to be released.]

2. Practice wisdom with honesty.

[The "honesty" trait is not an excuse to be rude. Hurting someone's feelings should be a risk only when speaking of things that matter (I.e. infedility).]

3. Be real, with yourself first.

[This is harder than it sounds. But it is a prerequisite for being real with others. The more you accept and love yourself, the more likely you are to be transparent and open to others.]

4. Reserve something for yourself.

[This is a struggle for me, because I love to share what I write and give my gifts to bless others. However, it is healthy to have some things (I.e. hobbies) that are for you. Just you.]

5. Practice saying, "I don't know.".

[The more we allow ourselves NOT to know, the better we are, the smaller we feel, and the bigger the size of our dreams and pursuits.]

6. Be Content.

[Why else did those bankers jump off of buildings during the Great Depression of the late 1920's and 30's?]

7. Watch cartoons, regularly.

[Try it...]

8. Read books and write hand-written letters.

[Trust me...]

9. Remember that Love has a definite Source.

[This eliminates worry, desperation, and lonliness in those Valley moments..]

and

10. Get closure where needed & let go of emotional baggage.

My Jam For the Moment...

I own this CD, so I already know I love the song.

But this video...definitely does complement Musiq's beautiful range and laid-back demeanor.

Not to mention his love interest is stunning, classy, and acts down-to-earth.

Which is so nice to see in a music video.

Even with the incredibly long intro. It is worth it.

How I Feel...

"I have learned not to worry about love, but to honor it's coming with all my heart."

Alice Walker

Building My Castle for Two...

I am quietly building. Storing up an internal investment specifically for his heart. Actively waiting for the moment where he will open up his mouth and say to me, "It's you". Momentairly, I will relapse into a state of fear and doubt. I try and remind myself that friendship is more than enough, and that I should be grateful to have him in my life.

"Relax" I whisper to the aching member inside my chest."He won't recognize your emotions as pain. And it will hurt him to be reminded of his temporary selfishness. It is for the best. Let the pain go...just love him."

I expected love to be fair. For it to go right when I felt that it should. But truthfully, love can equate sacrifice. And in order for it to grow wings and soar, beyond the hatred and indifference that has us enslaved in everyday life, there must be a desire surrendered. A heart must be inconvenienced.

And I have come too far to throw it all away...for the sake of my own self-preservation.

Since When? (July Edition)

Since when does sexy equate to indecent, scantly-clothed bodies?

And since when does a female have to have a clan of female friends parading around her [with the occasional dance break] to have a sick-looking video?

Watch Amerie's new video.

It's simple. Artsy and fresh...with a bit of street.

She has vulnerability without trying to be the victim.

And it isn't over-the-top.

I hope Bey's taking notes...

Summing Up the Holiday...

+

+

How I Feel...

peace, peace, peace...

• Sometimes I pause and can sense another facet of my grasped womanhood. It's been happening more and more lately. I'm grateful for that.
• I am another beautiful member of the natural hair movement. 11 months and counting since my last relaxer. :)
• I'm taking a long pause concerning my book. I made the mistake of telling friends it was something I was currently working on...thus, it unknowingly became an expectation that I'm consistantly asked about. That was my mistake.
• Summer sleep is joyous.
• I have finally banned BET....becoming "one of those people".
• I don't care how short Mos Def's tracks are..."The Ecstatic" is still in heavy rotation.
• I've spent the past 5 days talking to my best [guy] friend for at least 4 hours/day. It takes me back to the Summer of '07 when I fell in love with him. Be still my heart.
• I've never laughed so much with my parents before....the older I get, the closer I get to them.
• This summer has allowed me to take a journey back into my past. I've conversed and confronted exes/crushes/temporarys. I'm glad I didn't burn those bridges.
• God is leading me by the hand in this stage of my life. Causing me to breathe deeply and make each step purposeful and emphatic. It is so evident that I'm in transition.
• I'm settling into my adult body. My metabolism isn't what it used to be, but my curved shape, straight back, skin, and eyes are aligned with that of a woman. I smile into my mirror more these days. Definitely.
• I am so ready for graduate school. I hope my professors are ready for me.