Potential to Do What I Am Incapable Of...(Part Three)

Presently, I am extra sensitive to my surroundings. Now, more than ever, I am seeking the purpose and promise behind everything that happens. Why? Because things around me are growing and evolving. So naturally, I look to the sky asking God...

"Okay...what are you up to? What does this all mean?"

Opportunities that my heart has sought after are actually going to happen. It's one thing to want something. To pray for something. To fantasize about being in a certain place...but now that these dreams are now tangible and real...I'm nowhere close to being prepared. So, my initial thoughts are:

"Lord. I need you."

The past 2 months aren't a coincidence, but ordained for some purpose.

1 Corinthians 2:9

But as it is written: “ Eye has not seen, nor ear heard
Nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him."

Emphasis on "things [which God has prepared].

1. Healing

I should be dead. The tumor should have grown cancerous and the surgery unsuccessful. But, God had bigger plans for my life. Through a miracle, the MRI came back clear, and gradually, my body is healing itself. My hormone levels are normal and I will be able to have children one day. At the same time I was waiting on my test results, a little girl that my step-dad's job was raising money for, died from a brain tumor that had plagued her body for many years. Why God chose to take her life and spare mine isn't for me to understand...regardless...I owe Him my life, because He saved it.

2. Love

He is everything God knew I would need in a best friend. I see a reflection of God's heart for my life each time he looks at me: without one ounce of pretense, dishonesty, and condition. I've never been in a relationship where we try to outdo one another in love. Never have I felt such a freedom in God's timing [for my love life especially]. Paul says in Philippians 4:12, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."I have known what it is like to suffer in a relationship. To give so much of yourself and getting nothing back. I thank God for those times. Heartache has been my greatest teacher. Not in technique, necessarily, but in having a teachable spirit.

God knows, I have no idea how to love this man.
But I am open to learn. Everyday. For the rest of my days.

3. Leadership=Servanthood

I received the email yesterday announcing that I've been chosen to serve as an Resident Assistant next school year. After getting many congratulations from my peers throughout the day yesterday, an older woman who is in graduate school asked me was I excited. I said, "Uh. It hasn't even hit me yet!!" She laughed and said "Well, it'll hit you tomorrow at the Contract Signing when you sign your life away!" I laughed along with her, but thinking about it later, I realized that my answer to her statement should have been:

"Well, my life is Christ's anyway. So, it shouldn't be too big of an adjustment."

4. Finances

I'm still a broke college student. But if it weren't for the intervention of God, then I would just be broke [minus the college student part]. My financial situation almost prevented me from being able to start my Junior Year in January. But God, again, stepped in and proved that He has the last word in everything. There is truly nothing too hard for Him. Or expensive.

No way $6,148 could break His bank account.

Psalm 62

This song will not leave my head....


"I Love You Lord" by Whitney Houston

I love the the Lord, he heard my cry
And pitied every groan, long as I, I live
And troubles rise, I hasten to his throne

[Chorus:]
Oh, I love the Lord
I sure do, surely do love the Lord
He heard, he heard my cry
And pitied every groan, yes he did
Every groan
Long as I live, long as I, I live
And troubles rise, troubles rise
I hasten to to to to to
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne
I'll hasten to his throne hold on hold on
Tears are streaming down my eyes
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

Yes I will, I'll run
I know I can go to his throne
I know I can go, I know I can go
I'll hasten, I'm gonna run
I know I can go, I know I can go
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his throne

See I can run, Lord you know I will
When there is nowhere to go I know I can go to you
I know I can run to you oh
I'll hasten, I'll hasten to his, his throne
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'll hasten, hasten to his throne
Surely gonna be here

There is no one else who is faithful like my Savior. Not even the love of my life can comfort me on a level that He can. I'm reminded of one of my favorite Psalms:


Psalm 62:5-9

5-6 God, the one and only—
I'll wait as long as he says.
Everything I hope for comes from him,
so why not?
He's solid rock under my feet,
breathing room for my soul,
An impregnable castle:
I'm set for life.

7-8 My help and glory are in God
—granite-strength and safe-harbor-God—
So trust him absolutely, people;
lay your lives on the line for him.
God is a safe place to be.

9 Man as such is smoke,
woman as such, a mirage.
Put them together, they're nothing;
two times nothing is nothing.

I can always rely on Him. In the dead of night, when pain and terror is at it's peak, He is there.When I am at my best, He is there, reminding me that it was only by His strength that I am still alive.Without Him, I am nothing.But in His arms, I need nothing else.

Potential to Do What I Am Incapable of... (Interlude)

While walking from my afternoon class, I allowed my mind to wander. Immediately it drifted to the important decision that is being made concerning my future as an Residential Assistant [which is, if you don't know, a person who oversees the physical, social, and academic well-being of the students on a single floor in a dormitory]. After making it through three weeks of interviewing, tests, and various exercises, I have nothing left to do but wait.

And waiting is something that I've been girded for. I'm currently waiting on many things...Instead of examining the possibilities of each outcome, I chose to embrace an attitude. A pursuit. A goal that is not dependent upon a panel of people selecting or rejecting me for this important position. It will not rely on titles. And it is the only card that I have to play.
I decided that I want to affect. Influence. Disturb. Disrupt. Move. Shape. Change.I want to be a catalyst.
No matter what campus designation or leadership entitlement I have. Even if I have none at all. I will NOT allow that to gauge my drive to conjure revolution.

Recalling the bars of Manchild:

"I'd rather be washed up than watered down."

Mhmm. Exactly.
Now this isn't an attempt to psych myself out so that I won't be disappointed......just simply a declaration. From a small-town country girl who loves poetry and Hip-Hop.

Tomorrow's Doomsday. To Be Continued...

Missing Love (Part Three...In Random Alphabetic Thought Form)

[What can I say?...He. is my favorite topic.]

a. The fact that he teaches me lessons daily is nothing short of ironic...

b. I never thought a love between two people could feel this way. And it's surprising how he manages to renew my incredulity. I can't believe all of this is happening to me. And in me. And above me.

c. Just when I think I've become well acquainted with his love, or love in general, I am shown another side of it. There is always more to learn. A deeper level to cultivate. A higher height to reach. And this love shows no signs of stopping.

d. I remember being in past relationships hearing a certain love song that reminded me of my significant other. But now, the melody I hear carries a unique tune. We are creating our own music.

e. I've never been so patient concerning the future before. In times past, I've prayed for God to speed time up, so that I may get to a certain level in a relationship that could match my emotional commitment. Now? I pray God slows time almost to a stand still...so that I can love him at a snail's pace. (smile)

f. Where has all of my trust issues gone?

g. God has an odd sense of humor concerning romance, but He's shown me that the things He has in store for us supersedes anything we can conjure up ourselves. All we have to do is hand Him the pen...

h. I am annoyed sometimes that he takes such pleasure in doing thoughtful things for others. I didn't think a man my age like that even existed.

i. "How blessed am I to have fallen in love with my best friend?"

j. He is brilliant. I love to pick his brain, lean forward, and listen...it frustrates me that he struggles to comprehend math. (smile)

k. He doesn't know this...but the respect and honor he gives his parents convicts me concerning the relationship I have with my own.

l. Another thing he doesn't know: God is going to touch a whole generation through his words, hands, and heart.

m. I hope he never loses his "pudge"...honestly. Imperfections keep us humble, and his humility is what I love most about him.

n. It's cute that he doesn't know how attractive he is. Inside and out. And honestly, they run about even in amount...I mean, he is a sexy guy.

o. If I had to pick one thing about him that I love most, it'd be his Kind Heart. I thank his parents for that.

p. If I had my way, we'd be married by the end of 2010. We'd be broke, probably homeless (pushing our first book on the street corners), but deliriously happy.

r. The moment I KNEW that I loved him: I showed him my brand new Lauryn Hill mixtape, and he reacted the EXACT way that I did when I first saw it. Meanwhile, my current boyfriend stood looking confused.

s. The 1st week of Christmas Break was the best week of my life. He has no idea...

t. I appreciate the stints of time we spend a part.

u. I haven't written this much in my whole entire life. What does that mean?????

v. The question of Summer '07? What do you want, and how do you want it?

w. I admit it, when he called D**n* by my name on the phone, I was thrilled. Truth be told, she's not one of my favorite people. He knows why...

x. My Ultimate Present for Him: to get him onto that Def Poetry Jam stage...

y. I think we should try that LU Scavenger Hunt 1st date again, but this time: He's setting it up. (smile)

z. I still think he's the Emcee.

Missing Love Part 2 (The Letter Version)

Dearest Heart,

I know that I am a difficult person. I can change the atmosphere in a room based on my attitude. I think God has blessed me with the ability to mobilize others. On the other hand, I can also paralyze them. But the last couple of hours have been similar to the "couple of hours" that I face periodically. It's not all the time, mind you...but it happens the moment I grow weary of certain faces. Certain people drain me.

It's not anything personal against them, it's just they aren't...you.

I'm overloaded by mediocre friendships and cordial acquaintances. I can't get back to the normalities with old friends, and those who I'm spiritually close to, don't have the same passions as I. I am so very thankful for all of these people. Never would I take them for granted...

But the more people I meet and hang with, the larger your vacancy becomes.

I miss you, friend.

And it's not that I'm incomplete, or that I have this gapping void in my chest. God is my completion, naturally.

And yet...

I look around, and there is no other source to complement me. No one that understands my moods and mannerisms. Cues into my facial expressions and silences. No one else here truly listens...

They all sit back and wonder why, at times, I'm not my usual talkative, bright-eyed self. And they dare not ask why. They turn concern inward and ignore my existence. Only you reach out without saying a word. Without making me feel guilty for being ME.

A shoulder for the counselor.

...that's just one of the things you are for me.

And not only that...I miss our adventures. Daily, subtle adventures that revealed something new about ourselves.
I'm sick of maintaining.
Sick of uplifting politeness above honesty.
...and I'm through with lackluster.

Yes, I know everything is NOT so serious and zealous...but you know that about me. You embrace that, instead of tolerating my enthusiasm.

I miss you, Jedi.

And I can't remember EXACTLY what it felt like to be held [by you]. It's been months. I've actually learned to live without it. And that thought scares me...because I don't want to. I don't want to learn. But, for the sake of my sanity, I try to "stay warm".

I have to...Lord knows.

I feel a pang of jealousy to know that your pillows are held by you more than I. And I kick myself for not holding you a second longer before you left to get on that plane.

I miss you, lover.

And I'll be fine.

....but we both know that there isn't but so many pens and pieces of paper in this place.

Love always,

Obi.Wan.

Prelude to "We Need A Love Song..." (Our Book)

Imagine for a moment:

A girl, slightly calloused by heartaches. Groomed by one disappointment too many, on the brink of settling for any guy with soft eyes and a decent vocabulary. She'd lost faith in "the love story" and the grandeur that came with it. Those things no longer existed in her mind. God apparently was disinterested with fairy tale endings...and her heart had went out on a limb for the last time...

and

A guy, equally unsympathetic towards "the happy ending", yet still possessed a deep-seeded longing for "more". His love life was permeated by possibilities. Teased in his previous friendships, he contemplated aborting the search completely; seeking to live an hedonistic lifestyle for a while. Unknowingly to him, however, God had a plan that involved four young women, three of which he knew of:

1. the first love
2. the fickle love
and
3. the maybe love

The fourth however, was not on his list. She was not in his plan. Neither was he in hers.

And God kept their eyes blind...

Allowing both the guy and the girl to continue to muse over their hidden desires and mourn over concealed wounds.

...meanwhile turning to a fresh, clean page. And He, the Author, began to scribe the climax of their love story...a love story that, at one time, existed as two...

The Potential to do What I'm Incapable Of...

How awful it is so see people live below their potential. Potential doesn't suggest accomplishing something that I am capable of. I'm not capable of anything good or decent. History shows us that imperfect people left to their own devices, are only destined to destroy themselves. I'm not walking in capability.

Because: I'm supposed to be dead.

Or pregnant. Or strung out on drugs.

Or broken. Or defeated. Or discouraged.

Or done.

But, not so. Not even close.

I'm scaring myself, these days. God has allowed me to experience more clarity and profundity of thought than I have ever experienced. I've tapped into a supernatural source that carries the comfort of a mother's voice.

Peaceful, yet disruptive.

Bringing calm and terror at once.

Healing wounds but shattering mindsets.

And fear is losing ground in my heart. I feel my wings flex, bend, and slowly spread. Their span is alarming. Soft, assuring wind graze the height of my cheekbones. It's almost time.

I have no idea where I am headed. But, I do know that I've tread upon this earth long enough. Settling for the path of fearful people with no idea that there is more. The worn skin on the soles of my feet are evidence that there is another way. I've traveled to the four corners of this earth by these two limbs.

Now let's see if the sky truly has a limit....

I Just. Lost. Everything.

Job 1:20

“Job got to his feet, ripped his robe, shaved his head, then fell to the ground and worshipped.”


The act of Surrender is easy concerning the future. We will allow God, in all of His Sovereignty, to handle the “soon to be”. Yet we still look to have complete control over that which is the “here and now”. We silently force the hand of God away from what that same Hand has so mercifully given unto us. As if to say “Don’t worry God, I can handle this. I can take it from here.” But how deceived we are. We have no more strength inside to inhale our next breath, much less govern our lives, without the provision of God. We will thank Him for his blessings, yet won’t lay them at His feet in worship and adoration.

We start to need Him less and less. Gradually. Well-to-do Christians, but spoiled and self-indulgent.

We end up like Job. With the whole world at our beckon call, but with only a subtle amount of faith.

Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that what we possess is secure. That we aren’t in danger of losing everything. God has our best interest at heart, but He is no good luck charm. He commands that we yearn for Him above all else. And there is no better way to understand Job’s dilemma than to endure something similar.

The Death of a Dream, perhaps.

God has given me dreams, ambitions, and talents, but even those, I must commit back to Him in service and worship. Release my firm, selfish grip off of those things; even if God says they are for me. I can even pray for the health or safety of loved ones, but even they should never come closer to my heart than God. Let them go, and desperately grab a hold to Him. Him only. If I am consistently in the presence of He who holds all things in His hands, then I am sure to never lack.

If God wills that I lose all I have. Up to my own life, even, then I will count it all gain for Christ. I used to think that this meant that I couldn’t truly care for anything else. Not so. My love and need for Him overflows into every area of my existence. I am a better daughter. A better student. A better friend. A better girlfriend.

All because God showed me that everything He has allotted to me is fragile. Able to be taken away at any moment. In many ways, all of my dreams have died. Just like Job’s. It hasn’t happened physically, but in my heart: I lost everything.

I wasn’t able to afford school, so I got kicked out.
I ended an important relationship.
My family fell a part at the seams.
My parents and I become financially destitute.
I lost my love for writing.

All of it: gone.

The certainty of some of these things hanged in the balance. The fear of their coming to be weighed heavy on my shoulders. So heavy, that my soul hurt as if I had really lost all that I hold precious.

I mean, I might as well have.


And in losing everything, I gained everything.

Instead of begrudging my Father, I did like Job did:

Job 1:20

“Job got to his feet, ripped his robe, shaved his head, then fell to the ground and worshipped.”

In an ongoing act of worship, I believed in the plan of God for my life. That if my greatest fears ends up being what He has for me: then He is STILL worthy of every ounce of praise that my weak, frail body can give Him. Yea, though He slay me; yet will I trust Him, the scripture says.

Then something miraculous happened. God gave it all back to me.

Not only all that I had lost, but a surplus. And the blessings are still coming.

But this time, instead of focusing my eyes on what God has given me, I bow my head in reverence, kneeling, and place those blessings at His feet.

After all, He’s all I ever really wanted….


Beloved, God holds the universe in His hands. Whatever you need, He's got for you.

But, this year, let's try something different. Let's ask, above all else, for one thing:

HIM.

period.

D.N.A. (Definition of Natural Affection)

I love you.

...and with each sunrise I anxiously await to see how many sizes more my heart can grow.
...and with each sunset, I kiss the face of God; thanking Him for the pain that led me to you.

The question of if, in fact, you are my forever is irrelevant. If your stumbling, but heart-felt attempts are like the greatest love song, then I cannot begin to imagine what my Dear Heart's melody sounds like.

Together, I feel as though I am taking part in something spectacular. So, naturally...living a whole, separate, and individualistic existence will only shy in comparison to the light that WE bring.

Us.

Testimony that beauty lies within an embrace. Intimacy is hidden inside a smile. And ecstasy is found between the tight crevices of intertwined fingers.

[Making a relationship into an idol cheapens the purpose it was given. ]

Representation. Pointing towards a bigger picture. Something that is too transcendent to notice with human eyes.

Decipher the code in

The stretch of the mouth and

The flush of the cheek.

Define the flicker

Light brings to the eye.

Explain why palpitations

Increase with touch.

Accomplish all

Of these things:

And you will

Clearly

Know

Love.

Look. See me. Notice our interaction. In the simplest and calmest of body language, but set out to slowly decipher the love language of God. A part of His Gift to us.

Hold me love. Look closely. Can you see His fingerprints?

Open Palms on a Blank Poetry Book. (Transition)

2008. Fast approaching.

::Deep breath::

This year has had its share of trials, more than I can count on both hands, actually. But, instead of droning on and on, listing each one, I will choose to list positive things that I have learned from them. My highest philosophy in life is that everything happens for a reason...

1. Always carry a pen/notebook with you. If inspiration ran track, it'd be a heck of a sprinter.

2. Place less and less emphasis on the word "blame". As a matter of fact, completely delete it from your vocabulary. Trust me, this word has never brought closure or healing to any situation.

3. Never take yourself too seriously, but always take what you stand for seriously. Many of us have it backwards.

4. Gossip is dangerous. Funny how everyone will save rebuke for other people and compliments for themselves.

5. Do what is right above what is enjoyable. If at all possible: DO BOTH AT ONCE.

6. You can never love cautiously. Love is never safe. To seek such a love is to rob yourself of the greatest adventure.

7. Religion will do none of us any good. But a Relationship will save you and even those you come in contact with. Jesus didn't die to be named after a religion, but to restore a relationship.

8. Ignore personal opinion. It changes to often, and you will die prematurely trying to please everyone.

9. Stretch yourself past your own expectations. God gave us wings as well as arms and legs.

10. Forgive. It is the most powerful resource we have.

What I Know So Far...(Reflection for the Occasion)

So yeah. 22.

It feels really good, and I just thought I'd share (in a slightly humorous tone) the lessons I've learned so far (No big explanation for each, just try any one of them and I bet you'll either get a positive result or you'll feel better about life):

1. Be good to people.

2. Upon first glance, give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

3. Family first.

4. Give more than you expect.

5. Invest into the life of at least one child.

6. Talk to total strangers. (Yeah I know, it is the exact opposite of what we were taught as children...)
7. Be brave.

8. Take part in or cause at least 4 random acts per day.

9. Laugh a lot.

10. Take part in citywide/campuswide/nationwide causes. Go on a mission trip at least once in your life.

11. Leave notes of gratitude to waiters/ tip more than expected.

12. Work harder as a volunteer than you would as a paid employee.

13. Choose being humble above being right.

14. Color in coloring books regularly.

15. Take lots of pictures.

16. Dance badly in public.

17. Strive to learn something new everyday.

18. Love. For God's sakes... LOVE!

19. Eat Chocolate. Yes...because chocolate=endorphans=happiness.

20. Trust in God with everything you have and all that you are, and watch Him take care of the rest.

21. Hey...your parents: they know what they are talking about. LISTEN.

22. In college, take a class or join an organization that has NOTHING to do with your major.

23. Nap.

24. TV really can rot your brain. Read a book.

25. God created you, and He loves you, so it is for the benefit of all mankind that YOU love YOU as well. You are a good thing...God said so.

A Promise He Will Always Keep

"We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us...."

--Hebrews 6:18-20 (The Message Translation)

What Is Spoken Word? (My Thoughts)

Technical Definition:Spoken word is a form of literary art or artistic performance in which lyrics, poetry, or stories are spoken rather than sung. Spoken-word is often done with a musical background, but emphasis is kept on the speaker.

One of the most common sorts of spoken word performances is performance poetry, where a poet either reads previously-published poems, or reads poems specifically written to be performed aloud. Another kind that has gained popularity in recent years is political and social commentary, done in such a way that it is, while still prose, somewhat more artistic than a typical speech. Spoken word artists are often poets and musicians. Spoken word gained notoriety in the late 1980s and early 1990s through the emergence of "poetry slams," where spoken word artists would square off in cabaret-style duels.

My Personal Definition: Once upon a time, a heart with too much emotion picked up a pen with less than adequate ink, wrote on paper with not enough space; so he/she stood with just enough courage, and spoke with more than sufficient volume...to one pair of ears or more.

King David was a poet. But Jesus was a spoken word artist.

King Solomon?....a poet I'd say. But Job?...No. THAT dude was a spoken word artist.

Martin Luther King, Jr.? ....Spoken Word Artist.

Malcolm X? Spoken Word Artist.

My mother, or my bold 8 year old nephew?....Yes. They as well.

Even God Himself used words to aid Him in Creation. He spoke everything into existance, save man/woman.

I proclaim that anyone who speaks truth unashamedly is by experience, if not by vocation, a Spoken Word Artist.

Words are so powerful, and the tongue is accredited to being either deadly or helpful. So, you allow these two forces to commence in a collaboration, and damage can be done.

Yes, you can ignore my blogs and my words. You can slide a book underneath a coffee table and allow it to collect dust. But few are successful at blocking out the resonance of the Spoken Word...

...but you can go ahead and try. I dare you.

You Know...This Line Has Been On My Mind...

"...what should I do & what should I say since my heart is making plans for me."

-- honey dew (geno young)

Amen.

I'm in a very peculiar state at the moment. I have engaged myself into a way of loving and living that I have absolutely no control over. No longer am I maneuvering it, but it is maneuvering me. Unfamiliar territory, indeed. In the instance that I attempt at self-mastery or restraint, I become subject to my own insubordination. My heart defies me. With each rising of a new sun, it enlarges inside of my chest; threatening to become the only thing left of me. It winks at the fact that I am interrupted physically as well as spiritually. It's as if it knows something I do not, it ignores my remains of fear from broken love, and scoffs at my worry of a reoccurrence.

The God Complex (And Things Surrounding)

It's funny how quickly people forget where they've come from. We, as a people, and as a humanity, did not create ourselves, but suddenly we live as though we have always been. Not only that, but we sadly live as though we have no eventual end.

We rule over others like we ourselves weren't once slaves.

I see my people with fat pockets, but still demanding a hand out, simply because they feel it is owed to them. Reparations are not the answer. Complaining is not the answer. Many have died for us to have a voice. When it's your time to speak up, what will you say?

We consume our natural resources as if it can be replenished by our own two hands.

The more we rape our women, the more women/men are born infertile.

The more we want total control over our own existence, children are born addicted to heroine, 3 year olds are shot by stray bullets, pastors are touching young boys, schools will see more casualties than war, and more and more faceless teenagers will lose hope.

The more we hate each other, the more carnage and violence will be the norm in our neighborhoods.

We expect violence to bring our homes peace. Not so. And we are so deceived. [NOTE: I support our troops. Period.] We expect the effects of over 400 years of slavery to be forgotten and undone in less than half the time. The sins of the father will visit generations to come...Just like I am dealing with my father's unseen hatred inside of me; my white brothers/sisters must face their father's sins also. We must share the responsibility as Americans.

We sing songs to this land, with its purple mountains majesty, forgetting the blood that was shed that helped make the hills as lush as they are. We boast in our present achievements, in our vast armies, and our glory days of war, never realizing we must pay for our injustice.

Our "divine" attitudes and shifty laws are making re-entrance into our lives.

We've forgotten our God, and cry out that He's forgotten us. We are forgetting Him. We are attempting to erase His presence from our schools, from our monetary values ("In God We Trust"), and even from our churches.

I believe the expression says something about chickens and roosting?

Maybe It's In the Air... (Last Blog Before the Summer That Changed My LIfe)

I really, really, REALLY need to go home.

I feel as though I am wearing out my welcome, and its becoming a struggle to be around people. I am a Psychology major, so people should be my area of expertise. Right now, I am stumped.

My best guy friend (with whom I have complicated feelings for)has gone clueless on me. Or maybe I've been clueless for at least a month.... I thought he was one of the few people on this campus that understood me. At times, it seems the air is clear, but add other people into the mix, and I have no clue what is going on. I wrote him a haiku last night while we were studying, and he looked at it like I'd written in Arabic. I was a little disappointed.

....plus...I had begun (even unknowingly to myself) to build up a sense of false hope of things changing between us. I wasn't expecting a dating relationship per se, but a distinct difference than what we were used to. It hit me sitting in that computer lab somewhere between 3 and 4 am, that things will NEVER change. I badly want to be in his life, but I realized that I must keep him at a distance.

I don't want to yearn for him the way he yearns for her. And she is "just a friend". Why make my misery worse?

But its not just his part in it that makes me uneasy, I'm not helping the situation either. A fear inside of me has reared its ugly head. I am afraid of not being close to him. But I won't allow myself to get close if it means my feelings for him will grow. I don't like the feeling I feel when "we three" are in the same room. I am not the jealous type and I can very clearly see why he adores her. She is a constant source of conversation between us, and I am never naturally bias in my advice.

I can tell a difference. In him, I mean. He playfully hugs me, yet he holds her. He writes poetry describing her, and I am merely an encouragement in the Art; a colleague.

What's this familiar pain I feel in my chest?

Homesickness doesn't paralyze me like this..........

I Blame You...

B.E.T. it's your fault....

Once, you were a voice for the people, now you are an immoral preacher, the bringer of false doctrine. A head with two minds. At any moment you proclaim truth and religion, shining the Saints, beaming with worship to the Creator, but then your screen dims and you feed the lusts of men and women alike; exalting sin. You are more concerned with the glorification of ignorance, instead of the promotion of unity and wisdom.

Hip Hop, I blame you...

You used to be such a powerful tool; molding and shaping young individuals into a strong, intelligent, and political force, but now all you're good for is the defilement of the eye and ear gates. Slapping on dirty substance and calling it "thug life". You deceive our children into thinking that becoming a martyr for this lifestyle is honorable. You have lied to us, Hip Hop.

Crack cocaine, I hate you...

You make my sisters deny their spirits for a hit of you. We sell our babies and our bodies for your temporal sense of sustenance. You make us give birth to addicts, meanwhile chasing their fathers away. I despise your power, and I seek to disarm you.

Marijuana...you are filth...

You bring unclean wealth into the hands of our young men, teaching them, not the principles of business and the substance of a hard day's work, but the industry of taking addiction to the masses. You deceive many by claiming you're not addictive, yet you slyly maintain your presence in and outside of our neighborhoods. I wish you would just go away, and let my people go.

Alcohol, I'm speaking to you too. Lust, you have got to go.....Pride, your presence makes me sick.

What has happened to us? What happened to the people who stood for what's right? Now, we lay down...

We lay down for fame. For sex. For drugs. For pleasure.

What happened to the time where we valued one another? Took care of one another? What happened to the time where we treated our women like queens? Our men like leaders with honor and respect?

We have traded one form of slavery to another. God says you are FREE....

So. You Think You're A Lady? (A Definition)

My mother is one of the classiest women I have ever known. No matter how many incredible ladies I will meet in THIS lifetime, no one will surpass my mother. Jesus is my example of Holy living, but my mother is my example for the standard of class and sophistication.

To my mother, I dedicate this note.


Sadly, most young women lack the 3 things that are imperitive in a Lady's character: Dignity, Wisdom, Spirituality.

Dignity- bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation; elevation of character.

Wisdom- knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.

Spirituality- predominantly spiritual character as shown in thought, life, etc.

......

As young women, especially young black women, we have been taught to take up for ourselves. Never let anyone talk you down. Don't back down from anyone. The definition of our character comes from the wrong places. Either we are known for our shape, or for our loud mouths. But a true lady not only knows what to say, but she knows how to say it, and in what situation its appropriate to say it.

Also, our presence doesn't demand respect. We will attract what is inside of us. If you attract disrespect, then its because you need to increase your amount of self-respect. Because the Holy Spirit dwells inside of you, you will treat it as a temple. This should effect what you put on your temple, put into your temple, and allow to come out of your temple. Covers just about everything, right?

"I'm just being myself, and I don't care who doesn't like it."

Excuse me, sister? You don't care? It's that type of attitude that bears the fruit of an unteachable, haughty spirit. This is not the character of a lady.A lady can disagree humbly. She does not HAVE to fight so intently against the stereotypes that try to bind us, because her presence subtly changes the atmosphere around her. She doesn't have to yell or be loud, because one look can express volumes, and you will know exactly how she feels. Now, she CAN get loud when the occasion calls for it, but her wisdom discerns when it is necessary.

She does not have to be self-reliant, because in everything she does, she relies on God for. He supplies her every need. There is no reason for her to chase a man, or break her back endlessly in her career, because she keeps her Father as her number one priority. She doesn't keep her ear to a music industry that constantly slanders her, nor does she listen to the words of the streets who attempt to enslave her. She quiets her spirit, turns off the noise, and concentrates on what her Lord has to say about her. This is where she finds her strength.

Young women, please pay attention to these words. You are far more valuable than you are presenting yourself to be. Your Lord, Your God, is King of the Universe, and you are His daughter.....

...honey, that makes you Royalty. You are a Princess.

Be encouraged.

The Company You Keep

The older I get, the more I realize that everything is connected somehow. This could be good or bad, therefore bringing negative or positive results in your life.

All things God will work out for your good, like people quote all the time, but few quote the whole verse...which is "..for those who love God and are called according to His Purpose." This involves a simple thing: choice.

In His Sovereignty, He gives us the ability to choose details of our lives. "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial." Which is which, is up to you.

I've taken inventory over the people in my life...the people I call "friends", and that I spend precious, non-refundable time with. Like the signature scene in a Spike Lee movie, everything slows down and I am somehow floating, my world passing me by. When you stop and take a look around you, everything seems to be put into perspective. There is a handful of people with whom I look at and think, "It is not benefiting me to spend so much of my time with you."

Now, I am not a selfish person, and I realize that God will bring people into my life that need me for a season, more than I necessarily need them, but there are some people who stay past their season. And because of that, they are floating around me with absolutely no purpose. Not only are they wasting their own time, but mine as well. Granted, they do not see it this way, and they, to no avail, battle for my time.

Should I tell these people to get lost?

Definitely not.

I can only pray that God will show them to an exit.

I suggest you all do the same...Let's get on with it. Time wasted is time lost.

Getting Back Up...(Read and Be Encouraged)

Psalm 37: 24 says:

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand.

Proverbs 24:16 says:

For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again, but the wicked shall fall by calamity.

God's mercy is not a license to sin, but a daily need in my life. I should no longer make vows to myself, nor to other people, what acts I am not capable of, because God has shown me that without His Holy Spirit, I am capable of no good. This fact is not a chain on my neck, but it liberates me from my shackles that most call "living a Christian life". Until I allow God to live holy through me, it will seem like a burden or a chore. But this self-righteousness that I have seen inside of me grieves the heart of God. I am basically saying to him that I am capable of choosing good over evil without His help or guidance.

But, I have fallen on my face, and my actions surprised even me. God allowed me to roam away from his guidance for a moment (still protecting me) to show me that without Him, I AM NOTHING.

I say that to all of you who profess to be believers. We are nothing without the grace and mercy of God, given to us through the blood of Jesus Christ.

But...

With Him...We are everything. We are powerful. No evil hinderance or temptation can touch us or make us flinch an eyelid. We have authority over every scheme, trap, and terror.

Thank you Lord for this lesson. I love you.

Saints of God, read and be encouraged. I love you as well.

Your sister in Christ,

Spoken.Word.

Ressurection Sunday

Today. Jesus overcame Death.Sin.

Everything that Wars over your Soul and
Everything that seeks to destroy your Potential.

He defeated it.

Not just by Dying.

But by doing what ordinary martyrs can't....

He rose.

So, Beloved....

Reflect and Remember.

Sincerely,

spokenword

Good Friday

Today, Jesus Christ became the ultimate sacrifice, the slain Lamb, for the sins of all mankind.

Can you see Him? There on the cross? He did it for You. Know, in this moment, you know a Love like no other. Because of our sins, we deserved that cross, but he took our place.

The Great Exchange took place today.

God bless,

spokenword


ps: to be continued...................... (oh no...its not over)

Money Over B*tch*s (READ)...Hip Hop Slang Part One

Even if Nas, Talib, and KRS-One dropped 4 albums a year, people still wouldn't learn the lessons in their bars. We will still continue to indulge in the self-destructive behavior that is keeping us from accomplishing on a community level. Few make it out, but most keep the mentality of poverty in order to maintain street credibility.

Hip hop, sadly, is slowly moving from the streets, courtrooms, and classrooms, and into the club. This is the reason why people get weary of conscious hip hop...we sound like broken records because no one seems to be listening. What are we listening to? you ask...Let's take the slang that young adults and teenagers seem to have adopted as their religion:

"Money over b*tch*s".

I'm not going to take a purely feminist role on this one, so I'll simply say this: the only way to advance in life is through knowledge, because when you die, the only people that will care about how much money you had, plan to inherit some of it. Most black people were forced to overlook education simply because it wasn't an option, and it was only to meet basic needs.This message teaches us, not ambition, but greed and self-absorption.

Then there is the ongoing battle of the word "b*tch" in the hip hop culture. It's referred to a weak man at times, but mostly used towards women. Look at this equation:
Woman is to B*tch = African American is to Nigger

It is amazing how similar they are (if they could fit the description of you). Both are oppressive forms of slang used, 99% of the time, to demean and slander, and NOT to make a proper judgment. I don't feel that using nigger (or nigga) is appropriate in any situation, and I feel that b*tch is either. Simply because a young man might adopt the same mindset that white people growing up adopted, that most, if not ALL women (black people) are b*tch*s (niggers).

Malcolm X said "I taught brothers not only to deal unintelligently with the devil or the White woman, but I also taught many brothers to spit acid at the sisters. They were kept in their places — you probably didn't notice this in action, but it is a fact. I taught these brothers to spit acid at the sisters. I taught the brothers that the sisters were standing in their way . I did these things brother. I must undo them."

But excuse me.....all hail the King of Crunk.

What It's Like To Date ME..(G'Head & Read)

For those of you who were wondering, take these into consideration.

And for those of you who know already, reflect and laugh.

..in no particular order...

1. Your actions are so loud that I cannot hear what you say. It doesn't matter how much you tell me you care, or how awesome a person I am, I pay the most attention to your actions.

..O. And I pay VERY close attention. To basically everything. Especially little things. Now, that can either be in your favor, or set you back a little. That means I appreciate small doses of affection. (ie: a note slipped in my purse, unexpected act of service, asking my opinion on something personal)

2. I do not trust easily...and might slip into a relapse every now and then if I feel threatened. This is a battle I fight daily since childhood, so you will have to either be patient or I will be extremely annoying. I am not the jealous type, but I have a sixth sense for detecting dishonesty. So, I am really light-hearted until you give me a reason not to be. If you still connect with your recent exes on a regular basis....I have a problem with that. If you have more female friends than male friends...I have a problem with that. If you used to be a dog or even a habitual flirt...DEAL WITH THAT before you want to get serious with me. I have no problem aborting a relationship if I don't trust you with my emotions and time. I promise you will never have any opportunities to second guess my faithfulness.

3. I am very sensual. Mind you, I did NOT say sexual. Personal/spiritual choices I make daily causes me to emphasize other forms of connection. Physical closeness is the most basic, elementary form of intimacy; thereby it being the most trivial and OVERemphasized. I demand intimacy. I require it. You need to give me something to distinct and seperate you from my male friends. If you are my man, you must love deep. Because I love deep.

4. I am very intelligent. (ha) I did NOT say smart. I don't require high SAT scores and GPAs. Realize that intelligence and simply being "smart" are two different things. I need 'mind sex'. Conversation is crucial. I love to talk, discuss, debate, and even argue. If you can't keep up...then we have a problem.

5. My tall stature (6 feet) does not reflect my personality at all. I am not dominating, or loud, or bold, or demanding. I have been called a gentle giant. I am a leader in some circles, but in the relationship I need a strong man. I respect the roles men are needed to play and I will support you, if I feel you believe in yourself, as a man. I am very capable of picking out the restaurant, but its nice to hear YOUR choice sometimes.

6. I am a great listener, not just a great talker. I love it when my man confides in me. It shows trust. That's a good way to build trust, I think. A man will love a woman that he can trust with his heart.

7. I need respect. No...I deserve it. If you clown a part of my lifestyle or my personality, then I feel disrespected. (If I know you're joking ...that's one thing.) And I will retaliate. Trust me, I am not a happy person when I feel threatened or disrespected. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right?

8. I like being right. Don't argue with me unless you have a good arguement. I hate having conversations with people who cannot convey their point clearly. Cavemen need not apply.

9. I am sensitive. I will cry in front of you.

10. I am a handful. I may get too emotional, moody, and analytical. You need to be able to handle me. I can be manipulative, so be discerning.

11. Most importantly I think out of this list. I am a born again, Bible branded, Unashamed believer of Jesus Christ. If you aren't accepting of this...don't bother attempting to get to know me, because this is the best part of me. If you cultivate this area, as I am cultivating yours, then all is well.

...this isn't all. But all you can handle at the moment. Gotta leave a little mystery...

The Origin of My Screename...(My Introduction)

"I.Am.Spoken.Word."

#1. "I"

I believe the biggest crisis in today's society is that of Self-Identity. Most people would say that spending too much time thinking of yourself will never benefit anyone else...but I must say that until you find out who you are, you are of no help to anyone else. The first thing God did upon creation of Man, was provide him with an identity; a purpose for being created. Until one finds purpose, you are dead.

#2. "Am"

This is a very powerful word to me. Our culture is driven by stereotypes. They attempt to define me by my color, my bodytype, my academic progress, etc, etc. I was born into classifications...but somewhere along the line I decided to silence the mouths of my oppressors. When I say "I Am"...walls break.

#3. "Spoken"

There is life and death in the tongue. Dreams begin in the heart, but there is something powerful about becoming brave enough to voice them. There is no turning back once you've passed this step. You cannot take back what you say...you may ask forgiveness, but the act has been comitted. When God created the universe (with the exception of man), he "spoke" it into existance. So, God has given me that same power...to take life and to speak life into a situation; making it so, or making it cease. (Not physically, but spiritually) BE CAREFUL WHAT U LET COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

#4. "Word"

This is twofold....First, I believe in the unfalliable word of God. The Bible, is more than a dead, ancient piece of theological literature that holds more historic value than it does relevance to modern times. It tells me everything I need to know about anything worth knowing.

Secondly, I think that words are vessels for truth. We are unlike the animals in many ways...one particular way is that we use words, instead of mere consistant sounds. Why is that? Coincidence? Because words bring power. As well as rage, hatred, love, encouragement, and affirmation.

God has given me a stewardship over words....

Identification.Definition.Creation.Power.

I.Am.Spoken.Word.